He is too old right?

[Anonymous]

I say go for it...but then I'm 38 and dating a 50 year old. Late DH died suddenly in his 30s. There are no guarantees in life.

[Anonymous]

Too old for what? Is he too old to have dinner with...spend time with...have sex with? Apparently his equipment still works if he's got a toddler. Yeah you can bullshit around for a few more years seeking that special someone who meets all the meaningless prerequisites (he's gotta be this tall and have this type of haircut and be this astrological sign...) or you can enjoy an interpersonal relationship with someone that you have an attraction for and and may have a connection with now. Up to you to decide.

[Anonymous]

OP, trust your gut. If it turns out that this man is wonderful and you and he really have a great time together, then (just to leap to wildly premature thinking) maybe you could have 20 years of good health, great times, shared parenting, a cohesive family life, etc... Maybe you would end up caring for him, maybe you would have decades as a widow, but maybe that would be worth it for a couple of decades of family building and happiness.

Or maybe you will get terribly ill unexpectedly, or he will live into his 80's before he has any significant health concerns, or one of you will get hit by a bus, etc...

Sure the age matters - and that is a pretty major difference. But other things matter also and having similarly aged kids is a pretty major thing to share. There are no guarantees in life.

What if you don't pursue this because of age concerns and 15 years from now you run into him at high school graduation. You're still single, maybe really lonely, he's still vibrant and healthy, etc... Would you regret never having explored it at all?

I think I would want more information before I decided someone absolutely was not for me, so I'd go to dinner, or lunch, or whatever feels comfortable.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Too old for what? Is he too old to have dinner with...spend time with...have sex with? Apparently his equipment still works if he's got a toddler. Yeah you can bullshit around for a few more years seeking that special someone who meets all the meaningless prerequisites (he's gotta be this tall and have this type of haircut and be this astrological sign...) or you can enjoy an interpersonal relationship with someone that you have an attraction for and and may have a connection with now. Up to you to decide.

Actually, age is not a meaningless prerequisite. I think there are very real issues dating someone two decades older than you (meaningful issues). Height and haircut don't have potential meaningful issues.

But there is definitely the possibility of a power dynamic issue when a woman dates a man 20 years older. It never seems like it when you start out, because he is courting you. But it shows its head eventually, especially with certain types of men (and those tend to be the older men who are attracted to younger women).

I used to think age didn't matter. But then I dated a man 20 years older. It started out fine, but I realized soon enough that it did matter. First, he would make subtle comments implying he knew better. It just got worse from there. I got tired of feeling like my life experience was discounted and meant nothing because he had 20 years more life experience than I. And it never occurred to him that growing up in a different environment/time, I might have a unique perspective to offer.

He was also divorced. His ex-wife was his age. And I realized that he had moved on to younger women because deep down he was controlling.

I would rather be alone than date a much older man. I don't think 5 years or maybe even 10 years makes as much of a difference. But 20 years does. Sure, there are relationships with a 20 year age difference that work out, but I think those are outliers and not the norm.

[Anonymous]

OP, what does your gut say? Women tend to outlive their husbands. And you do want kids?

[Anonymous]

my aunt and uncle were very in love, 25 yrs apart bt them- alll told her she would be alone for so long. SHe died of ovarian cancer at 52 and he died yrs later at 85. Dont base love and time on maybe, go for whzt feels right

[Anonymous]

I have a lot to say about this question but I will try not to write a book. DH is 21 years older and I *really* struggled with the age difference before we got married. While we were dating I watched as a coworker's wife died from cancer and several other friends had tragic things happen to them for reasons that had nothing to do with age. I was madly in love with this man but I was making decisions based on what could or might happen one day far in the future. I decided to live for now. Foolish? Maybe. But I am happy. DH is happy. We are very much in love (and have an amazing love life). I have a good friend who is my age who is dealing with breast cancer. DH is healthy and strong and takes good care of himself. I am concerned about what might happen in 20 years, but I don't regret my decision. I'll check back with you in 15 years but for now I vote that you go on the date.