Disappointed in your parents as grandparents?

[Anonymous]

The grandparents have done their job as parents before with you and DH, so why would they want to do it again. They should be able to just enjoy their life, doing what they want, whenever they want. Don't expect them to be parents to your children with your high expectation, especially if your children are far younger then your siblings. It's tiring/noisy for them.

Sometimes grandparents doesn't like the way the in- laws treat the grandkids and their kids (DH/DW). To harsh or too much. Remember the DH/DW are their kids, of course they are the apple of their eyes. Mistreatment by the IL(spouses) doesn't sit well with them.

The best way is whenever you with them, spend time with them doing things that they want, so they feel included and not as babysitters only.

Treat them nicely with respect, in front of your kids, and your kids will enjoys it, and treat you better in the future.

[Anonymous]

Expecting free child care, maid service, cooking, etc.,is a real turn off for most people and far too many of you expect your and in laws to provide
There services to you not to mention your control issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey, I'm up for grabs -all of you folks who have absent parents to grandparent your kids. We are totally game. Our kids are not having kids. So- here we are! You need grandparents and we need grandkids.....ad we would be the best grandparents ever.

It's a DEAL.

+1. Luck of the draw, I guess. DH and I would be awesome (late boomer) grandparents but it just is not in the cards for our two kids.

[Anonymous]

I really do think that divorce and remarriage are contributing to the less involved grandparents. Obviously there are exceptions- but now instead of a couple having together their 2 children, and corresponding 4 grandchildren (or whatever the numbers) you have a man, and his new wife- both of whom have children from previous marriages, so now instead of having 2 houses to visit, they have 4, and 1/2 the couple doesn't have investment in 1/2 the kids, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Good points all around. i suppose it is just surprising to me. I can't imagine not wanting to be involved in the lives of my grandchildren.

Wait till you raised all your children, paid all your debts and their educations and see if you want to rest and enjoy or jump into raising more children when you're 70. They paid their dues.

[Anonymous]

My parents enjoy their grandkids immensely. I don't really expect them to clean up, or cook or care for them (though they JUMP at the chance to have them for a night - with the subsequent 2 day recovery period). I just like seeing them hangout.

MIL on the other hand has almost no skills with children. She's 15 years older than my parents and spends her time criticizing and reprimanding her grandkids. The oldest is 6! Her attitude explains a lot about her relationship with her own kids, though.

[Anonymous]

I have really struggled as an adult to accept the relationships I do have and not pine for the relationships I don't. I have had to let go of the idea of the perfect relationship I envisioned with my MIL and I have had to accept that while the one I do have is not what I wanted, it is still a good one and should be appreciated. I do the same thing for MIL as a grandmother. I wish she was a certain way but she isn't. I have to let go of that vision and appreciate what she does offer.

It isn't an easy task. But you basically can't compare them to the perfect vision you have. They will never measure up to that.

[Anonymous]

Yep. My mom never calls - refuses to pay for long distance - and has 1000 excuses why she can't travel. The only time she sees my kids is if I take time off work and bring them to her.

My dad has a disabled adult son at home and so he is unable to travel also. He refuses to get email. His wife does call me often, she's a good friend of mine.

One grandfather, all they know of him is the occassional thanksgiving when he decided to visit his sons in the DC area.

Thank god for our one local grandma who always tries to see the kids at least once a week.

It makes me sad.

[Anonymous]

I had really amazing grandparents. They didn't babysit us. They didn't lavish us with presents. But they were always there. At everything. Sports games. Plays. School events. Birthday parties. Etc. We had sleepovers at their house. We had afterschool snacks with them. We sat with them every Sunday at church.

Proximity plays a huge roll. But my parents manage to see my kids at least once a month. We talk at least every other day, even if its just my Mom listening to the kids screaming at each other in the car. My mom knows their teachers names, their friends names, their activities, their likes and dislikes of the moment, etc. And they invite the older grandkids for Camp Mimi and Poppop every summer. One week with all kinds of fun activities.

IL's are a bit farther away, but they make no effort. If they manage to come, they often show up later than planned. (Sorry, we slept in, decided to take a long lunch, and then made 3 wrong turns so we are 8 hours late). They never seem to try to visit us. It is always on us to ask to come see them or invite them over. They don't know the kids- never talk on the phone to them- never send little cards. They are busy and have a lot going on, but its just obvious they are fine with a casual relationships. They buy token gifts at birthdays and holidays- but its not about the presents.

Its just different. Both grandparents love my kids, undoubtedly. And both probably would say they wish they saw us more. One set is just going out of their way to really establish a solid relationship despite the distance. And, knowing that it is possible, I am often sad and wonder why the other ones would not try to do the same.

[Anonymous]

My mom tells my kids since all of their other grandparents are dead, they have to put up with her.

Ha ha! Get it?

Neither do I.

[Anonymous]

I'll trade you mine for yours, OP. My parents have been nosy, judgmental, controlling, and completely disrespectful of boundaries since the day I told them I was pregnant. I'd give my left lung for people who backed the hell off and let me parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you handle/reconcile your feelings if you are really disappointed in your parents as grandparents? In our case, my parents and DH's parents are each divorced, so we have 4 sets of grandparents. Each set is disappointing and uninvolved! Is it a baby boomer thing? I don't know but it upsets a lot. For example, one set basically never visits or even calls the kids. Another calls occasionally and visits a couple of times of years but just doesn't connect beyond that. One of my parents have depression issues (I think), so I give them a pass for lack of involvement, but it still disappoints. The final set is very involved with a sibling and his kids - think visiting for weeks at a time, going to all the kids big events and birthdays, etc. and knowing/caring about all sort of things in their lives.

I supposed because we're coming off a holiday season where my parents didn't visit us at all - but visited each of my siblings - there is a lot of hurt. My parents don't even know enough about my kids to pick out a X-mas gift for them, so they sent cash inside a card. I hated that - it felt like they were checking a box, like, "ok, sent those kids a gift" but there was nothing festive or personal about it. After finalizing plans with the siblings, my dad would say "oh, we should come and see the kids sometime" but wouldn't commit to even a vague time frame. And, well, here we are at the end of Jan. and the holidays are long over and no visit and no mention of actually doing it.

My children only have one grandparent left. Honestly, it is like they have none, because that grandparent makes very little or no effort toward them, and plays favorites. So, it is kind of disgusting in that regard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had really amazing grandparents. They didn't babysit us. They didn't lavish us with presents. But they were always there. At everything. Sports games. Plays. School events. Birthday parties. Etc. We had sleepovers at their house. We had afterschool snacks with them. We sat with them every Sunday at church.

Proximity plays a huge roll. But my parents manage to see my kids at least once a month. We talk at least every other day, even if its just my Mom listening to the kids screaming at each other in the car. My mom knows their teachers names, their friends names, their activities, their likes and dislikes of the moment, etc. And they invite the older grandkids for Camp Mimi and Poppop every summer. One week with all kinds of fun activities.

IL's are a bit farther away, but they make no effort. If they manage to come, they often show up later than planned. (Sorry, we slept in, decided to take a long lunch, and then made 3 wrong turns so we are 8 hours late). They never seem to try to visit us. It is always on us to ask to come see them or invite them over. They don't know the kids- never talk on the phone to them- never send little cards. They are busy and have a lot going on, but its just obvious they are fine with a casual relationships. They buy token gifts at birthdays and holidays- but its not about the presents.

Its just different. Both grandparents love my kids, undoubtedly. And both probably would say they wish they saw us more. One set is just going out of their way to really establish a solid relationship despite the distance. And, knowing that it is possible, I am often sad and wonder why the other ones would not try to do the same.

This post made me happy, thank you. My parents are the first set. DH's are the second set. Selfish grandparents suck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP one thing to consider - and I'm not saying this is you, just pointing out a potential problem - is that some parents are so.freaking.controlling. about their kids that it's no fun to be around them. Can't feed them one drop of sugar, can't let them see ten minutes of TV, GOD FORBID they miss one minute of sleep time. Part of the fun of being a grandparent or aunt/uncle is the ability to spoil, and goof, and giggle, and forge an independent (mostly, of course not totally) relationship with the kid/s. Too many parents forget this, and make the relative feel as if everything they do is wrong, forbidden, and frowned upon, which will drive otherwise caring and interested relatives away. At some point, it can become too much work.

Again, not saying that's you, it may not be at all. Just offering the angle. Good luck to you.

Completely on point. This generation of patents are controlling, self-absorbed and suite frankly unpleasant to be around.

I was going to post this same thing. Go back and see how many posts there are here along the lines of, "My mother gives Hubert a lollipop every time she sees him HOW DO I PUT A STOP TO THIS?!" So many of you are so.effing.controlling. about every last thing to do with your kids that it sucks the joy out of being with them for the rest of us. Everything is a no-no, everything is a minefield. It's hard to relax with your grandkids when potentially everything you do is going to be wrong, or you're going to be scolded for things you didn't even realize were a big deal. And it makes me laugh when people post things like, "my parents house is full of sharp objects! They have a big dog! SOOOOO frustrating!" Um, it's your parents's house, they're allowed to have what they want there. Your parents are around just to serve you and entertain your kids.

[Anonymous]

My parents are terrible grandparents, but they also sucked as parents so no big surprises there. DH's parents are good grandparents when we are with them, but they live on the other side of the country so we don't see them much. And we seem to be "out of sight, out of mind" with them because they have his siblings and their children who live close to them. We are basically on our own island. I try to involve our friends in my kids' lives as much as possible.