Disappointed in your parents as grandparents?

[Anonymous]

How do you handle/reconcile your feelings if you are really disappointed in your parents as grandparents? In our case, my parents and DH's parents are each divorced, so we have 4 sets of grandparents. Each set is disappointing and uninvolved! Is it a baby boomer thing? I don't know but it upsets a lot. For example, one set basically never visits or even calls the kids. Another calls occasionally and visits a couple of times of years but just doesn't connect beyond that. One of my parents have depression issues (I think), so I give them a pass for lack of involvement, but it still disappoints. The final set is very involved with a sibling and his kids - think visiting for weeks at a time, going to all the kids big events and birthdays, etc. and knowing/caring about all sort of things in their lives.

I supposed because we're coming off a holiday season where my parents didn't visit us at all - but visited each of my siblings - there is a lot of hurt. My parents don't even know enough about my kids to pick out a X-mas gift for them, so they sent cash inside a card. I hated that - it felt like they were checking a box, like, "ok, sent those kids a gift" but there was nothing festive or personal about it. After finalizing plans with the siblings, my dad would say "oh, we should come and see the kids sometime" but wouldn't commit to even a vague time frame. And, well, here we are at the end of Jan. and the holidays are long over and no visit and no mention of actually doing it.

[Anonymous]

I'm going through this right now. Since we've adding a second kid and expecting a third, one set of grandparents has really backed off. We were all pretty good friends before kids so I've really had to accept and adjust to our new relationship.

I haven't brought it up because in this case it would just make it more awkward and ultimately, even if I'm sad about the change, I want them to do what they most want to do...even if it doesn't involve us.

[Anonymous]

Do you make them feel welcome or do you put them on a guilt yrop? If they are close with siblings then it could be you.

[Anonymous]

My parents were much more involved with my older siblings' kids, but those cousins are 15-20 years older than my kids. My parents are not only much older now, but we don't live nearby. They love my kids, and I don't hold it against them. My husband's parents are similar- they live half a country away, close to their other grandchildren, so they are much more involved in their lives than in my kids'.

I was talking to a drunk woman at a party recently and she complained bitterly about this same situation. Her parents were much more involved in the lives of the older grandchildren than in her children's. She gives her parents hell about it and they have backed off even further.

For me, as long as my children don't know the difference I'm not going to strain relationships over it.

[Anonymous]

I sort of feel this way but I accept it as my parents growing old and weird. For example, I would like them to visit us, since they have tons of free time in retirement and its stressful for us to travel with kids. But we have to go see them. I think it has to do with them being in control of their surroundings. Now that my kids are older, they interact more. But I think they find the noise/chaos of kids hard to take.

I just accept what they do and cut them major slack for the rest.

[Anonymous]

How far do your parents live from your sibling? And how far are they from you?

[Anonymous]

I was surprised how important your family is when you have children of your own. But, my family is not the helping type. Both my mom & MIL are retired and live in the area, but they rarely go out of their way to help out. My mil has never changed my DC's diapers, ever. She interacts more now that DC has "grown out of the baby stage". But she rarely spends more than 2 hours at a time. They both want the postcard version of xmas. For this xmas, my mom gave Thomas the Train for a non-toddler. It was similar to the one she gave couple of years ago. She gave me the store receipt saying that she didn't know what to buy.

I have come to terms with this while back. Just accept and control what you can. I really would have appreciated the help during the infant/toddler stage. Now that DC is little older and it's getting easier, I am looking forward to getting back to normal. I don't plan to play a big part in mil and my mom's retirement. They are on their own.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Good points all around. i suppose it is just surprising to me. I can't imagine not wanting to be involved in the lives of my grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

My mom is doing a surprisingly good job as a grandparent. As a mom, she was/isn't the best. But, she is putting lots of effort in to her 4 grand kids. She is moving to be closer to me and visits my brother on the west coast several times a year. My mom made a baby blankets for all four grand kids, a quilt for DD (at my request) and bathrobes for my kids. My stepfather never had kids (and didn't marry my mom until my DD was 3 weeks old) but has done a great job as a grand father.

My ILs on the other hand, are a total disappointment; DH agrees. Sure they send gifts, but we rarely get phone calls on birthdays or holidays. When we visit them, they are willing to meet for dinner 1-2 times and that is it (over a weeks time). My kids are almost 5 and 3 and they have never come to visit us.

[Anonymous]

Both my parents and my DHs parents are the same way. I think it is because both of us have fairly high maintenance siblings. Our parents are old and tired, they think we can handle things ourselves, and so they concentrate on their other kid's kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both my parents and my DHs parents are the same way. I think it is because both of us have fairly high maintenance siblings. Our parents are old and tired, they think we can handle things ourselves, and so they concentrate on their other kid's kids.

THIS. So true!

[Anonymous]

I think it's a baby boomer thing. All of the grandparents are a huge disappointment. Too busy wild hogging.

[Anonymous]

My dad has (undiagnosed?) narcissistic personality disorder. If there is something with the grandkids he can make about HIM, he will engage. Otherwise, he is completely uninvolved or worse pissed when a kid event interfers with our attending something for him. Sorry, my kids come first, NOT YOU.

I have learned to just ignore him as much as possible. He was very emotionally abusive as a child and I'm frankly glad his interactions with my kids are so limited.

[Anonymous]

My dad bowed out of my life when my daughter was nine months old - wrote me a letter and aside from one ems

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad bowed out of my life when my daughter was nine months old - wrote me a letter and aside from one ems

One email, I haven't heard from him since. My daughter will be five this year and I have a son he's never met. That is disappointing. The rest of the grandparents are great - involved but not overly involved, so everyone is happy and no one feels left out/smothered.