Husband is a terrible gift recipient

[Anonymous]

PP, thanks so much for sharing your experience. It will help me react the right way if/when my friends go through this. I learned a lot from your post.

[Anonymous]

OP, I haven't posted on this thread before. I second all the people telling you, this is nuts.

You should read all the other posts about divorce, cheating husbands, what are you looking forward to about getting out....

I KNOW it is hard. I have been where you are. But this guy is an Ahole and the sooner you get out and get your kids out, the better.

Insulting you in front of coworkers? Screaming at your kids? Calling her a bitch? No, no, no. You HAVE to get out.

The only thing worse than a divorce for kids is living in a bad marriage/with an abusive parent. Get a new counselor, your OWN counselor, and do a reality check. If you are in DC I know a good one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Then bad things happen. The first many times, it hurts deeply. But, you still think it is some bizarro exception and not how the person actually is. By the time you figure it out you may have had kids. The strain having kids puts on a relationship (especially if one person is looking out only for himself) may even escalate the problem. But, then everybody says, "You've got to stay together for the kids." Perhaps you even have friends you talk to about this, and they say, "Yep, you are coming up to the line where you should get out but you are not over it yet." Perhaps some days seem like things might be better. Perhaps some days things are, but the fear that they really aren't is never far from your mind.

It takes a long time to realize you never ever expect it to get better no matter what you do. And then you think about looking into your beautiful daughter's eyes and telling her daddy, who she thinks is wonderful, btw, because she is still in the "it's an exception" stage, is not going to live here anymore. And that stops you cold in your tracks, too. It's a line you have to cross. Everybody else in the world can see it, but until you are really and truly ready to cross it, you can't.

Yes, I understand all that. I have lived the part I quoted. My life is a disaster. The biggest mistake I made? STAYING over ten years. While things have gotten worse, and worse, and worse. And another baby came along. And my older daughter grew up with this. And she internalized ideals and fantasies about what marriage is, and what family is, and about divorce. Fantasies that are now going to be shattered. I should have left long, long ago.

The water started boiling long ago and I am still sitting here. But I've begun building my ladder OUT.


Just like any other serious problem in your life - if a person has weight problems, alcohol problems, addiction, whatever - it is true you have to finally get to a very painful place that finally motivates you to change. You have to realize that the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.

I hope you read the book, "Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay". It may help you gain some perspective.

Besides your worry for your children's pain, what is holding you back from leaving? Do you still love him? Are you afraid of trying to make it on your own? Is it financial? Is it the work of selling your house, packing up, moving, etc.? Make of list of what is actually stopping you, and how to address each problem.

[Anonymous]

Also, watch this:

http://archives.cbc.ca/society/family/clips/4657/

[Anonymous]

bump

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the responses. We are in counseling, but we have a counselor who believes everything is equal - I check my blackberry, so he gets to insult me in front of my co-workers, you know? I don't get the kids out from underfoot in the morning as quickly as he wants, so he gets to scream at our 18 month old that she's a bitch. It's so much fun...

I have always loved Christmas, and I have always loved giving really nice gifts. Ever since I have earned my own money I have done it, when I had a good idea for someone (not every year; I'm not that creative!), for my parents, siblings, my secretary, you name it. I just have to remember I am not married to a normal person, so I should save my good ideas for someone else. This is hard to remember!

Maybe I need an appreciative lover - LOL!

Ok, OP. The title of your post should have been "Husband is abusive to me and our baby." How he receives gifts is the very, very least of the problem here, and the problem here is very serious and must be dealt with immediately. Your therapist is a quack. Protect your child. I don't understand how you kind of casually throw in stuff about this man abusing your little girl, and then continue to casually complain about...Christmas presents. Good God.

[Anonymous]

OP, I commend you for doing marital counseling, but I 100% totally agree that YOU NEED TO SEEK INDIVIDUAL THERAPY.

There is something wrong when you (a person who sounds like a generous, giving person), is SAVING for THREE YEARS to buy your husband a gift worth $10,000. That is really f-ed up to begin with.

Add to this that your husband appears to be a complete ass, and routinely does inappropriate, selfish things -- and you are LETTING him.

I know it may seem like staying married is your "best" option... or even your "only" option... or perhaps the thought of divorce frightens you-- but this is why you need to go seek therapy. You clearly have some serious self-esteem issues if you're letting your husband treat you and your kids like this. Go get help. Once the root of the problem (your self esteem) is dealt with,... your many options will become much clearer and more attainable.

[Anonymous]

This is what I would get him for Christmas.

1 boot

1 hotel key

1 balloon (uninflated)

When he starts to complain, tell him to save his breath, as he needs it to fill up the ballon. Oh, and only pay for two weeks in the hotel, after that he has to be in his own places, paying rent.