Husband is a terrible gift recipient

[Anonymous]

I second the recommendations for you to seek individual therapy to talk with someone who can really help you sort this out for yourself.

As far as Christmas, I would buy the something cheap and boring so at least the criticism won't be so off-target.

[Anonymous]

If you stay, you are teaching your daughter to find and marry a man JUST LIKE HER FATHER. I'm sure you would be the first to say that would be awful for her.

[Anonymous]

What should you get him for Xmas this year? DIVORCE PAPERS!!

Seriously, your husband sounds like an abusive ass. The fact that he is a poor gift recipient sounds like the least of his problems.

I don't want to be mean here, but do you really want your daughter growing up learning that this is the way she should be treated by her future boyfriends and husband? Scary stuff.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, who is this therapist? WEhat was his exact response to this "excuse" from your husband? I have been to a marriage therapist with my husband, and while she was big on fairness, and that each of us contributing to the problem, I can not imagine any reputable therapist letting one spouse get away with placing all responsibility for his own behavior on the other person. The very definition of an adult is "one who takes responsibility for his/her own actions." You may need a different therapist.

Why are you even with this man? You clearly do not need him financially, he is certainly a verbally abusive husband and father (the way he treats you is abuse as well), he sounds miserable. Why are you with him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you even with this man? You clearly do not need him financially, he is certainly a verbally abusive husband and father (the way he treats you is abuse as well), he sounds miserable. Why are you with him?

Because you start out thinking you are marrying the person you dated. Perhaps you never lived with him or perhaps you dated long distance for a good chunk of the time. Perhaps you wanted to believe in love. Perhaps your parents made clear you were expected to get married, and you took the first guy who came along who seemed decent without really reality-checking that. Then bad things happen. The first many times, it hurts deeply. But, you still think it is some bizarro exception and not how the person actually is. By the time you figure it out you may have had kids. The strain having kids puts on a relationship (especially if one person is looking out only for himself) may even escalate the problem. But, then everybody says, "You've got to stay together for the kids." Perhaps you even have friends you talk to about this, and they say, "Yep, you are coming up to the line where you should get out but you are not over it yet." Perhaps some days seem like things might be better. Perhaps some days things are, but the fear that they really aren't is never far from your mind.

It takes a long time to realize you never ever expect it to get better no matter what you do. And then you think about looking into your beautiful daughter's eyes and telling her daddy, who she thinks is wonderful, btw, because she is still in the "it's an exception" stage, is not going to live here anymore. And that stops you cold in your tracks, too. It's a line you have to cross. Everybody else in the world can see it, but until you are really and truly ready to cross it, you can't.

OP here again, btw.

[Anonymous]

My heart goes out to you, OP! Remember, as they say in 12-step programs, take it one day at a time as you move to a better life. You'll get there!
Please take care!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you even with this man? You clearly do not need him financially, he is certainly a verbally abusive husband and father (the way he treats you is abuse as well), he sounds miserable. Why are you with him?

Because you start out thinking you are marrying the person you dated. Perhaps you never lived with him or perhaps you dated long distance for a good chunk of the time. Perhaps you wanted to believe in love. Perhaps your parents made clear you were expected to get married, and you took the first guy who came along who seemed decent without really reality-checking that. Then bad things happen. The first many times, it hurts deeply. But, you still think it is some bizarro exception and not how the person actually is. By the time you figure it out you may have had kids. The strain having kids puts on a relationship (especially if one person is looking out only for himself) may even escalate the problem. But, then everybody says, "You've got to stay together for the kids." Perhaps you even have friends you talk to about this, and they say, "Yep, you are coming up to the line where you should get out but you are not over it yet." Perhaps some days seem like things might be better. Perhaps some days things are, but the fear that they really aren't is never far from your mind.

It takes a long time to realize you never ever expect it to get better no matter what you do. And then you think about looking into your beautiful daughter's eyes and telling her daddy, who she thinks is wonderful, btw, because she is still in the "it's an exception" stage, is not going to live here anymore. And that stops you cold in your tracks, too. It's a line you have to cross. Everybody else in the world can see it, but until you are really and truly ready to cross it, you can't.

OP here again, btw.

I feel so very sad for you. I will tell you that I left such a relationship (two kids) almost a year ago. I have my self-esteem, self-respect and dignity back now. I'm HAPPY, I'm surrounded by people who love and support me. And certainly not around the man who called me names and blamed almost all negative behavior on me. There's obviously more involved, but I'm not going to share that now. I encourage you to seriously seek a new therapist - and go to an individual one. This is NOT NORMAL. He is ABUSIVE. Read up on verbal and emotional abuse. Now.

[Anonymous]

You teach people how to treat you. Your husband is treating you this way because he assumes it's ok. I would not give him a cent or take him to chucky cheese because he is behaving like a little kid. It will only get worse. Leave now.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think it's hard for people who haven't been there to understand. There are many reasons people get into abusive relationships. And many reasons they stay. The important thing is to think about what you can do now.

I posted before that I was with a similar guy, and looking back I cannot believe I was ever with him. But it was difficult to leave. I had low self-esteem, hadn't had many boyfriends before, hadn't dated anyone in a long time when I met him. I was raised to believe that being with a man was extremely important, and it was always an issue that I didn't date. My mom couldn't understand why "boys didn't like me." I was happy that he even paid attention to me. He used all that to manipulate me, and I made excuses for him all the time. I started believing the things he said. I didn't think anyone else would ever want to be with me. I thought he would change. What made me realize I needed to leave was when we were having an issue about something, and I said something about maybe we should just end it, and he said we can't end it because he wouldn't be able to support himself. I wanted to hear we can't end it because he loved me. And thankfully he did not say what I wanted to hear because I might not have left. That one statement from him brought it all home to me. I started thinking about the rest of my life, and did I really want to spend it with this guy who was more worried about the money leaving than losing ME.

Please do not judge OP for being in the relationship because it doens't help. In fact, I think it makes it worse to hear things like "why did you ever..." It just makes you feel stupid, and lowers the self-esteem even more. That was my experience, anyway. What was more helpful for me to hear, was when friends would tell me I seemed unhappy and ask if I wanted to talk. Knowing that someone cared helped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you even with this man? You clearly do not need him financially, he is certainly a verbally abusive husband and father (the way he treats you is abuse as well), he sounds miserable. Why are you with him?

Because you start out thinking you are marrying the person you dated. Perhaps you never lived with him or perhaps you dated long distance for a good chunk of the time. Perhaps you wanted to believe in love. Perhaps your parents made clear you were expected to get married, and you took the first guy who came along who seemed decent without really reality-checking that. Then bad things happen. The first many times, it hurts deeply. But, you still think it is some bizarro exception and not how the person actually is. By the time you figure it out you may have had kids. The strain having kids puts on a relationship (especially if one person is looking out only for himself) may even escalate the problem. But, then everybody says, "You've got to stay together for the kids." Perhaps you even have friends you talk to about this, and they say, "Yep, you are coming up to the line where you should get out but you are not over it yet." Perhaps some days seem like things might be better. Perhaps some days things are, but the fear that they really aren't is never far from your mind.

It takes a long time to realize you never ever expect it to get better no matter what you do. And then you think about looking into your beautiful daughter's eyes and telling her daddy, who she thinks is wonderful, btw, because she is still in the "it's an exception" stage, is not going to live here anymore. And that stops you cold in your tracks, too. It's a line you have to cross. Everybody else in the world can see it, but until you are really and truly ready to cross it, you can't.

OP here again, btw.

I'm so sorry, honey! My heart aches for you and your daughter. You both deserve much better, and I so hope you are able to find it in the new year!!

[Anonymous]

It seems to me that somewhere in your head you know you need to leave. But the thought of it is overwhelming or extremely daunting so it's easier to keep the status quo.

That is so scary to me, an anonymous stranger who only knows you by this thread. I fear for your daughter growing up with an emotionally/verbally abusive father.

This is so clearly urgent to me that I wish I could nudge you. It reminds me of the story about the frog in boiling water. A frog would never jump into a pot of boiling water. But if the water started cold and gradually started rising in heat, the frog would just sit in that water until it's too late and the water's boiling and then he's dead. Don't wait until something extreme happens. This needs to be dealt with now.

[Anonymous]

Amen, 16:16. Thanks for a thoughful post.

For the OP- YOU have to know it's time. We are rarely happy with decisions that we are pressured into.

For right now, I would agree that you not spend thousands of dollars on a gift that won't make him happy. Sure, get him something thoughtful and sweet-- you have to live with yourself, after all, and a "screw you" type gift would probably make you feel guilty. But if you have spare cash, sock it away for a rainy day, whatever form the rain may take.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you even with this man? You clearly do not need him financially, he is certainly a verbally abusive husband and father (the way he treats you is abuse as well), he sounds miserable. Why are you with him?

Because you start out thinking you are marrying the person you dated. Perhaps you never lived with him or perhaps you dated long distance for a good chunk of the time. Perhaps you wanted to believe in love. Perhaps your parents made clear you were expected to get married, and you took the first guy who came along who seemed decent without really reality-checking that. Then bad things happen. The first many times, it hurts deeply. But, you still think it is some bizarro exception and not how the person actually is. By the time you figure it out you may have had kids. The strain having kids puts on a relationship (especially if one person is looking out only for himself) may even escalate the problem. But, then everybody says, "You've got to stay together for the kids." Perhaps you even have friends you talk to about this, and they say, "Yep, you are coming up to the line where you should get out but you are not over it yet." Perhaps some days seem like things might be better. Perhaps some days things are, but the fear that they really aren't is never far from your mind.

It takes a long time to realize you never ever expect it to get better no matter what you do. And then you think about looking into your beautiful daughter's eyes and telling her daddy, who she thinks is wonderful, btw, because she is still in the "it's an exception" stage, is not going to live here anymore. And that stops you cold in your tracks, too. It's a line you have to cross. Everybody else in the world can see it, but until you are really and truly ready to cross it, you can't.

OP here again, btw.

I am so sorry. I wrote the above. I did not mean for it to sound as harsh as it did. Your reply made me tear up. You just sound like such a kind and caring person and you do not deserve to be treated so badly. Neither does your daughter. It hit a huge nerve for me. My father is like your husband. Its so shocking now that I only see him 1-2 per year. As a child I knew he was really mean and had an out of control temper, but it was all I knew. I always preferred to be with friends and that really pissed him off. Thank God he travelled for business all the time. His treatment affected my brother terribly and I mean really, really bad things resulted.... I managed to be less susceptible, but, of course, not totally. It affected me in a more subtle way. For instance, I become very combative when I feel attacked or criticized (in any way) by people in my personal life. Its taken me years to realize. My parents are still married and when my mom visits us its really obvious that she lives in an environment of constant criticism and meanness. None of us have ever been able to understand WHY she stays with him. Maybe because she hasn't worked since they had kids (although she has an Ivy League degree), has no money of her "own" (after almost 50 yerars of married at least 50% is hers) and depends totally on him for everything financial. Its an old and well-used noose around many a woman's neck from past generations. She is an amazing person but, now that he is retired, and home all the time, I have seen the joy and fun in her soul slowly be chipped away by his constant presence. Its awful. Please do not let that happen to you. Don't let your daughter not see and know a good and healthy relationship. It could ruin her life. I am sending you strength and courage and love (even though I do not know you).

[Anonymous]

I am all in favor of staying together for the kids. But there needs to be an exception when the husband is a serious asshole and the children would be better off growing up without him in the house. It sounds to me like you might be at the stage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you even with this man? You clearly do not need him financially, he is certainly a verbally abusive husband and father (the way he treats you is abuse as well), he sounds miserable. Why are you with him?

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry. I wrote the above. I did not mean for it to sound as harsh as it did.

That was very thoughtful, what you wrote in your second post. I'm the 16:16 poster and I wanted to qualify what I said about not judging and not saying things like "why are you even with him." Saying something like that is the natural reaction. because it does seem pretty crazy that people stay in relationships that are abusive. I just know the times I heard that, I got very defensive. Those are the times I stuck up for him. Because that question makes you feel like an idiot, even though that wasn't the intention. So you come up with some reasons and convince yourself you're not an idiot - you think of some good reasons you are with him.

So, my meaning was not that it's wrong to wonder "why are you with him." My feeling is that even though it's an honest reaction, asking the person that question ends up producing the opposite of the desired result. It can also be the way it is said. One of my friends asked me that question (gently) after we'd had a long conversation in which I talked about my unhappiness, and that was okay. While one of my family members asked the same question in a very frustrated voice, and I gave them my standard answer about how great he was.

PS, to the person with the frog story. I've heard that about frogs, and it's a great analogy. Emotional abuse can happen so gradually, you don't even notice you're losing your soul.