You know you did it in college... would you let your child be absent to complete an assignment?

[Anonymous]

As an AP teacher in a local private school, the teachers almost always "know" when a student is "sicking out" of a paper or test. I always ask the student what is going on, why did he start the project so late, etc. We work on time management for the next project.

I will say this though. Every teacher I know loses respect for the parent who allows this. We know it done out of love, but it teaching TERRIBLE lessons (grades over honesty, his work is more valuable than others, lying is okay if it is a means to an end, etc.) It sets a dangerous precedent and you start to see some kids who will abuse this. They also start to see deadlines as negotiable. It DOES NOT MATTER THAT YOUR KID IS HG. A deadline is a deadline and you are doing a huge disservice by not allowing him to learn about rules and NATURAL consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Last night, my dd (a private school junior) begged me to lie for her so that she could miss first period to finish a paper. She was assigned the paper two weeks ago. During her begging session, she tried to manipulate me by saying, I get that you're not going to help me." A part of me feels horrible that I didn't "help" her, but probably would feel a 100 xs worse if I enabled her this one time and then two months later she needs me to lie again.

Good for you!

[Anonymous]

I had a college professor who asked for an obituary in case of death (our names had to be in the write up) or a doctor's note in case of illness. And yes, if grandma was sick, her doctor had to give you a note.

I totally appreciated the fact that she had no sympathy and was all business. I learned the most from her.

[Anonymous]

People get tired of hearing excuses. My husband is a retail manager gets the same ones over and over from the same employees. They have more car troubles on Sundays than you could believe.

[Anonymous]

OP, first of all, Kudos to your child for burning the midnight oil, getting it done, and getting in to school before the bell rang.

I totally get how some folks fo some reason feel the need to build the tension and pressure by procrastinating. I do. I'm also one of these folks, so is my son, and I know that it causes some serious gray hair.

But, the way to deal wtih this trait is to cut your kid LESS slack, IMO. Let him learn the hard way, and let the consequences be REAL. I speak from experience, both my own as a child and an adult, and now as a parent.

[Anonymous]

OP here. First of all, I am flabbergasted by the number of people who think this is morally outrageous. Good Lord, are you going to tell me next you never played hookey? And yes, I give my son some small latitude to ask for (and get) a mental health day when he wants a break from school. He isn't struggling with his grades. If he were, it would be a different answer.

Clearly, this post touched a raw nerve with so many people. I'm not sure why, but it wasn't my "master plan" to "set up" a post for my own ego stroking. Give me a break. I was feeling sorry for my son last night, it was late, I thought I'd take a pulse check on what other parents thought about this scenario. I had no idea I'd draw back a nub!

All I'm saying is, I haven't had an adverse affect from procrastinating and occasionally calling in sick to get something done (work for night school, miss night class to get work done, etc). So I can't exactly look back over my academic or professional career and say, gee... I didn't get as far ahead as I wanted to. Maybe that just makes some people mad. The same way those same people probably get mad that other people have other advantages too (money, looks, whatever..) Get over it.

[Anonymous]

PP here. I never said I never played hooky.

I'm saying I get how the dynamic works, and it's worth trying to prune it a bit.

[Anonymous]

Clearly, this post touched a raw nerve with so many people. I'm not sure why, but it wasn't my "master plan" to "set up" a post for my own ego stroking. Give me a break. I was feeling sorry for my son last night, it was late, I thought I'd take a pulse check on what other parents thought about this scenario.

Well, you took your "pulse check" and other parents think you are sending a message to your son that lying and cheating is okay. Why did you ask the question if you can't handle the feedback? I don't think this thread has gotten particularly nasty, but there are just lots of people who think what you are doing is morally dodgy.

All I'm saying is, I haven't had an adverse affect from procrastinating and occasionally calling in sick to get something done (work for night school, miss night class to get work done, etc). So I can't exactly look back over my academic or professional career and say, gee... I didn't get as far ahead as I wanted to. Maybe that just makes some people mad. The same way those same people probably get mad that other people have other advantages too (money, looks, whatever..) Get over it.

I'm not sure how you can accuse earlier posters of jealousy of your situationwhen you've just divulged this information for the first time! Why don't you get over yourself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. First of all, I am flabbergasted by the number of people who think this is morally outrageous. Good Lord, are you going to tell me next you never played hookey? And yes, I give my son some small latitude to ask for (and get) a mental health day when he wants a break from school. He isn't struggling with his grades. If he were, it would be a different answer.

Clearly, this post touched a raw nerve with so many people. I'm not sure why, but it wasn't my "master plan" to "set up" a post for my own ego stroking. Give me a break. I was feeling sorry for my son last night, it was late, I thought I'd take a pulse check on what other parents thought about this scenario. I had no idea I'd draw back a nub!

All I'm saying is, I haven't had an adverse affect from procrastinating and occasionally calling in sick to get something done (work for night school, miss night class to get work done, etc). So I can't exactly look back over my academic or professional career and say, gee... I didn't get as far ahead as I wanted to. Maybe that just makes some people mad. The same way those same people probably get mad that other people have other advantages too (money, looks, whatever..) Get over it.

Hey, if you didn't want to know what people thought, you shouldn't have asked.

[Anonymous]

meant to add: so he doesn't HAVE to do it in college.

[Anonymous]

I think that some people are suggesting that there is a difference between kids' figuring out techniques to get through both the educational and social aspects of school (whether that's staying up late, or cutting class to finish an assignment, or playing hooky to hang out with friends) and with parents' getting involved with those decisions.

[Anonymous]

This is what I'm hearing loud and clear from the OP: It is ok to lie and cheat, as long as you don't get caught. It is ok that she lied and cheated in the past, because she is still rich and successful.

To me, that makes her a rich and successful lier and cheater, and that does not make her an ok person.

[Anonymous]

What does "draw back a nub" mean?

[Anonymous]

There's a big difference between skipping a run-of-the-mill class and lying to get away with missing a deadline. The first is fairly harmless and usually doesn't even require an excuse (true or not), especially in college. (I, for one, always missed exactly the number of allotted days in classes with an attendance policy!) The second is, quite simply and obviously, dishonest.

Then there's another aspect altogether to parents becoming complicit in this dishonesty. As many PPs noted, it would be one thing to allow your child some leeway had there been true extenuating circumstances. It is another thing entirely to lie on their behalf simply to masquerade poor planning or laziness. (And OP, I know your son came through, and good for him -- I'm just talking about the hypothetical you raised in your OP.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:the hypothetical you raised in your OP.

Yes, that is what I think this is. A hypothetical. OP's special way of drawing back a nub and then telling us to get over it.