How to find fellow introverts

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find your post off putting. You assume your more extroverted friends are not capable of these deeper conversations? Have you invited one of your friends for coffee and conversation?

You don't have to be an introvert to enjoy good conversation.

You may think that, but you'd be surprised. I know exactly what OP means. I've invited "extroverts" to one on one lunches and had them say things like, "great, Tuesday does work for me! I'll call so and so and so and so, too, and see if they can join us, since it's been so long since we've all gotten together!"

But you can have thoughtful, interesting conversation with 4 people -- not just chit-chat. Besides, you want to make friends -- this is an opportunity to do just that!

I'm sympathetic to your position, but you do have to be willing to bend a little. That's what friendship is about. I'd also urge you to try to understand that adult friendships can't be as all-consuming as friendships among kids or teens or even young adults who have skads of time to spend in one-on-one conversation. I, too, treasure my friendships with childhood and college friends, and make time to maintain them because I value them so highly. The reality is, though, that even those old friendships have evolved; while we occasionally have one-on-one time, more often we gather as a small group or with our spouses and/or kids simply because we don't have as much time to devote to socializing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find your post off putting. You assume your more extroverted friends are not capable of these deeper conversations? Have you invited one of your friends for coffee and conversation?

You don't have to be an introvert to enjoy good conversation.

You may think that, but you'd be surprised. I know exactly what OP means. I've invited "extroverts" to one on one lunches and had them say things like, "great, Tuesday does work for me! I'll call so and so and so and so, too, and see if they can join us, since it's been so long since we've all gotten together!"

But you can have thoughtful, interesting conversation with 4 people -- not just chit-chat. Besides, you want to make friends -- this is an opportunity to do just that!

I'm sympathetic to your position, but you do have to be willing to bend a little. That's what friendship is about. I'd also urge you to try to understand that adult friendships can't be as all-consuming as friendships among kids or teens or even young adults who have skads of time to spend in one-on-one conversation. I, too, treasure my friendships with childhood and college friends, and make time to maintain them because I value them so highly. The reality is, though, that even those old friendships have evolved; while we occasionally have one-on-one time, more often we gather as a small group or with our spouses and/or kids simply because we don't have as much time to devote to socializing.

This is a very good point; thanks for this reminder. I think part of my problem is that I married late (38) and sometimes miss the more carefree single days when girlfriends had more time to spend with each other.

[Anonymous]

As an introvert, I've had luck with joining an activity- or class-based thing. It gives you something to talk about with new people, which is always easier than random small talk, and a chance to suss out who shares interests and might be up for a closer friendship.

I'm in the process of looking for a book club that's a good fit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find your post off putting. You assume your more extroverted friends are not capable of these deeper conversations? Have you invited one of your friends for coffee and conversation?

You don't have to be an introvert to enjoy good conversation.

You may think that, but you'd be surprised. I know exactly what OP means. I've invited "extroverts" to one on one lunches and had them say things like, "great, Tuesday does work for me! I'll call so and so and so and so, too, and see if they can join us, since it's been so long since we've all gotten together!"

But you can have thoughtful, interesting conversation with 4 people -- not just chit-chat. Besides, you want to make friends -- this is an opportunity to do just that!

I'm sympathetic to your position, but you do have to be willing to bend a little. That's what friendship is about. I'd also urge you to try to understand that adult friendships can't be as all-consuming as friendships among kids or teens or even young adults who have skads of time to spend in one-on-one conversation. I, too, treasure my friendships with childhood and college friends, and make time to maintain them because I value them so highly. The reality is, though, that even those old friendships have evolved; while we occasionally have one-on-one time, more often we gather as a small group or with our spouses and/or kids simply because we don't have as much time to devote to socializing.

This is a very good point; thanks for this reminder. I think part of my problem is that I married late (38) and sometimes miss the more carefree single days when girlfriends had more time to spend with each other.

I hope you find friendship in the new year!

[Anonymous]

We moved here almost 8 years ago and I've made one friend that I've kept in that time. Others have either moved away or faded away with life changes. I'm not sure it's really an introvert/extrovert thing so much as this particular area. Especially because people move on so frequently, I find it exhausting to put in all the effort only to have my new friends leave with an election cycle.

Maye a Craigslist type ad for female friends? "33 year old married female with a 3 year old. Likes: drinking wine, visiting vineyards, watching bad tv and cheesy movies, reading, and knitting. Seeks similar female friends to get pedicures, share appetizers and drinks, and spend an afternoon chatting and watching bad movies from our teenage years. A plus if you are in the Alexandria area."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, some of the latest responses are applicable for shy folks and not introverts. As one of the PPs responded, shy and introvert are two different things. I am not shy. My management job requires me to be talking the entire day, many times to complete strangers. I do small talk with strangers/neighbors on the street and school. And I can haul myself to a party, put a smile on my face and go on talking to random people for hours. I have done this multiple times before on various meetup groups/work parties/block parties etc.

The only problem is that it is not my idea of quality time, I do not enjoy it greatly and if given a choice I would not attend the random party voluntarily. I think it is more trouble/nuisance than it is worth.

The only reason I said I am looking for an introvert is because they will most likely have the time/energy/willingness for more private, quiet and low key activities, but I do agree it also depends to a large extent on how well you click and the mutual interests shared.

Highly extroverted people require a lot of energy to interact with, which can be tough for introverts. They draw energy from other people; we get it from within ourselves. If our work requires extroversion we need even more time to recharge outside of work, and we have less energy to put into what can be, for us, exhausting and fairly meaningless social encounteers.

OP, have you read Susan Cain's book, Quiet?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We moved here almost 8 years ago and I've made one friend that I've kept in that time. Others have either moved away or faded away with life changes. I'm not sure it's really an introvert/extrovert thing so much as this particular area. Especially because people move on so frequently, I find it exhausting to put in all the effort only to have my new friends leave with an election cycle.

Maye a Craigslist type ad for female friends? "33 year old married female with a 3 year old. Likes: drinking wine, visiting vineyards, watching bad tv and cheesy movies, reading, and knitting. Seeks similar female friends to get pedicures, share appetizers and drinks, and spend an afternoon chatting and watching bad movies from our teenage years. A plus if you are in the Alexandria area."

OP here, thanks, this is the first time I have heard this, has anyone tried CL ads for platonic friendships?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, some of the latest responses are applicable for shy folks and not introverts. As one of the PPs responded, shy and introvert are two different things. I am not shy. My management job requires me to be talking the entire day, many times to complete strangers. I do small talk with strangers/neighbors on the street and school. And I can haul myself to a party, put a smile on my face and go on talking to random people for hours. I have done this multiple times before on various meetup groups/work parties/block parties etc.

The only problem is that it is not my idea of quality time, I do not enjoy it greatly and if given a choice I would not attend the random party voluntarily. I think it is more trouble/nuisance than it is worth.

The only reason I said I am looking for an introvert is because they will most likely have the time/energy/willingness for more private, quiet and low key activities, but I do agree it also depends to a large extent on how well you click and the mutual interests shared.

Highly extroverted people require a lot of energy to interact with, which can be tough for introverts. They draw energy from other people; we get it from within ourselves. If our work requires extroversion we need even more time to recharge outside of work, and we have less energy to put into what can be, for us, exhausting and fairly meaningless social encounteers.

OP, have you read Susan Cain's book, Quiet?

Not yet, planning to, but I am reading the introvert advantage, and alongwith the book and posts here on DCUM, I finally realize I am not weird as I thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We moved here almost 8 years ago and I've made one friend that I've kept in that time. Others have either moved away or faded away with life changes. I'm not sure it's really an introvert/extrovert thing so much as this particular area. Especially because people move on so frequently, I find it exhausting to put in all the effort only to have my new friends leave with an election cycle.

Maye a Craigslist type ad for female friends? "33 year old married female with a 3 year old. Likes: drinking wine, visiting vineyards, watching bad tv and cheesy movies, reading, and knitting. Seeks similar female friends to get pedicures, share appetizers and drinks, and spend an afternoon chatting and watching bad movies from our teenage years. A plus if you are in the Alexandria area."

OP here, thanks, this is the first time I have heard this, has anyone tried CL ads for platonic friendships?

Fellow introvert here. I started a book club on craigslist about 5 years ago, and we ALL remain friends to this day. I knew one of the women already, but the rest were craigslist strangers. They are some of the most awesome, kind, smart, down to earth women I know. And most of them are way more hip than I am. It definitely exceeded my expectations.

One thing that, IMO, made it successful is that I kept it specific to the neighborhood I lived in. I thought the ease of getting together would make it more likely to be successful, and I do think it helped. Also, I would limit it to 5-6 women.