Would this bother you re: husband and holiday shopping

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get this. Totally. It's not about being selfish and wanting gifts; it's a love language thing. The people that I love, I LOVE to shop for. Finding something perfect for that person means a ton. One of the best gifts I have ever recieved was when a friend bought a 5 lb bag of gummy bears and picked out all the pink ones, since that's the only color I like. I was so touched that she took the time to try to fulfill a silly whimsical preference of mine. With my DH, I gave fair warning. I told him up front that I am a present person and that it is a big deal for me to feel loved. I tell him every thanksgiving that I am starting to shop for his gift and remind him that it doesn't have to be big or expensive, just somethig that shows he thought about me enough to choose something that I would actually want or need. Last year, my gift was that he took my old watch to get the battery replaced--a chore I had been forgetting for months. It was perfect and only cost him $10. It is literally the thought that counts.

I'm a DW and this sounds like too much pressure. Just like PP noted, my DH and I don't buy each other gifts for Christmas. He, too, shows me he loves me and thinks about me when he warms my car and scrapes the ice off it. He tries fixing more vegetables for dinner because he knows I'm trying to do better - yet he know how much I appreciate the Ben & Jerry's ice cream he buys when I'm feeling moody. If he sees something he thinks I need or would enjoy, we don't wait for Christmas or a birthday or an anniversary.

[Anonymous]

http://shine.yahoo.com/photos/miserable-men-of-instagram-shows-dark-side-of-holiday-shopping-slideshow/men-shopping-9-photo-1387826328008.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me start by saying that my DH is an awesome guy. Great dad (we have a toddler and infant, so no small feat), does more than his fair share around the house, etc. But EVERY holiday he waits until the very last second to buy gifts for me, and it bothers me. I buy the vast majority of gifts for both of our families, our kids, etc - and think about the stuff weeks if not months in advance so it has time to get where it needs to go, etc. I really do like giving gifts and get a kick out of knowing I got something someone will love.

So today, as usual, he says that he has to go to the mall to buy stuff for me. He says he has 'something in mind, and hopefully they'll have it.' So - if they don't - what? It's Dec 23 - he'll just wander around hoping he finds something decent? I just don't get why he can't think about this a few weeks in advance and try to put thought into getting something I'd really like. He's done it basically every year, for every birthday and Christmas, since we've been together (over 10 years) and it just bugs me. It's like he can't be bothered to put some thought into it, when I spend a lot of time trying to get nice things for him and his family (not necessarily monetarily nice - just things I know will be special for them). I even did it this year at a few weeks postpartum (not trying to emphasize my own awesomeness, but more trying to explain why I really don't think spending a thoughtful half hour shopping online is a big deal).

I know how lucky I am to have a great guy, and this is obviously a relatively minor issue - it just frustrates me every year, and then the next year it's the same song and dance again (him running to the mall at the last minute, as if he didn't know when Christmas was going to be). Can anyone relate?

That's exactly correct. Get over it and count your blessings.

[Anonymous]

Usually DH and I get each other nothing, but this year I knew of a bunch of things DH wanted but hadn't gotten for himself, so I bought them. Then I gave him fair warning- I got you stuff! It's stuff I know you'll like! You should probably get me something! Then he asked me what I wanted but I honestly couldn't think of anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seriously, OP, are you me? I just wrote basically this same exact thing in an email to my sister not even 30 minutes ago, except I used some less-polite language and am actually kind of hurt by the whole thing. Every year he comes back with stuff that is nowhere near my style, or just plain junk so he has something, anything, to give me. I even started sending him direct links to things I really like or want, right after Thanksgiving, but of course he left it so long that he can't order online and doesn't know where to go locally.

I know Christmas isn't about gifts, but it's the lack of thought and the fact that he still doesn't have any idea about what I like--also after more than a decade together--that upsets me. Like you, I also have put in a lot of thought about the gifts he's getting, and I'm always in charge of getting the gifts for his parents and brothers' kids. I know I sound a little like a spoiled brat, but is is really frustrating and a little hurtful to have it happen year after year after year. I too have tried to explain and he feels bad, in the moment, but it doesn't change...

I stuffed stockings today for our kids, DH, and for myself, because yesterday DH told me, "I don't have anything for your stocking, ok?" I knew that was coming. And is it really a question, do I have a choice about whether it is ok?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dear OP,

Men don't give a shit.

Sincerely,

DH

That's not necessarily true, although, I'm sure majority don't. In m family, DH wants to send out cards, wraps all gifts, loves Christmas shopping and I'd rather skip all the gifts all together. I think it's how you grow up. If you parents made a big deal out of the holidays, you will too and vice versa.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH here.

Seriously, we don't give a shit. We hate Christmas. We hate the whole exercise of shopping for gifts. We hate that it's a litmus test for our affection for you. We hate spending the money. We think the whole thing is silly.

We really don't want anything, either. Honestly, half the time we invent stuff to put on our "list" so you'll shut up and leave us alone.

My DH loves Christmas. He buys thoughtful gifts and is a part of the family purchases. Not all men think like this.

+1 In addition, this really speaks to a disconnect between you and your fine. Feeling like this is totally fine, but then why would the other family members bother if you really feel this way. The whole family should agree to celebrate or not. It's very disrespectful in my opinion.

Signed.
Someone who hates doing holiday gift giving, but does it for DH who loves it and is very thoughtful about his gifts

[Anonymous]

so OP, you have a great, loving husband, a great father to your little ones, and one who does even more of his fair share in your household. you will also get a Christmas gift from him on Christmas day. but you are upset because the gift was purchased on December 23, instead of, let's say, August 1. so now the bar is not at getting an awesome gift on December 25, but how many weeks or months before Christmas the gift was purchased. Are you 5 years old?

[Anonymous]

Ah yes, I feel for you OP. I have a different problem with my DH, but it is no less frustrating. And he is a good guy, great husband so I have to keep reminding myself that this issue is really "small potatoes" in the grand scheme of things.

My 1st issue is: He buys everything he needs/wants himself! Always right before holidays too! Never waits, never lets me surprise him. Seriously, I am left waiting until the last minute because he will buy whatever he wants, and if I have bought it ahead of time, I have to return it and scramble around the mall for a replacement, OR just scramble anyway because he has left me with no options of gifts to buy him. It is so frustrating, because I KNOW what he wants, so it is not a question of not knowing what to buy him, but he never can wait to let anyone buy what he can buy himself!

Issue #2 He also buys things that are not my taste because he thinks that I "should" like them. Like one time, he got me an Iphone. I am not a technically savvy girl. I was happy with my flip phone and I do not text, nor do I check the internet on my phone. I had told him numerous times that I loved my phone just as it was, even though he said it was old, even though he said I should get a new one. So...I was expecting that he would get me one because he thinks I "should" have one. I mean, it's nice, and I appreciate any gift, but still...I wish, just once, he got it right...then I would feel like he really knew me and what I wanted!

[Anonymous]

Op we do not give gifts for anything though we do sometime arrange experiences for each other. It's a huge burden lifted. Xmas is not about stuff and live does not equal gifts. once I realized that DH would give his life for mine, it really didn't matter that I did not get jewelry on VDay or stuff at Xmas. As a bonus our kids are not entitled and no one confuses the currency of things with love. Once you get past these expectations there is great freedom...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get this. Totally. It's not about being selfish and wanting gifts; it's a love language thing. The people that I love, I LOVE to shop for. Finding something perfect for that person means a ton. One of the best gifts I have ever recieved was when a friend bought a 5 lb bag of gummy bears and picked out all the pink ones, since that's the only color I like. I was so touched that she took the time to try to fulfill a silly whimsical preference of mine. With my DH, I gave fair warning. I told him up front that I am a present person and that it is a big deal for me to feel loved. I tell him every thanksgiving that I am starting to shop for his gift and remind him that it doesn't have to be big or expensive, just somethig that shows he thought about me enough to choose something that I would actually want or need. Last year, my gift was that he took my old watch to get the battery replaced--a chore I had been forgetting for months. It was perfect and only cost him $10. It is literally the thought that counts.

I'm a DW and this sounds like too much pressure. Just like PP noted, my DH and I don't buy each other gifts for Christmas. He, too, shows me he loves me and thinks about me when he warms my car and scrapes the ice off it. He tries fixing more vegetables for dinner because he knows I'm trying to do better - yet he know how much I appreciate the Ben & Jerry's ice cream he buys when I'm feeling moody. If he sees something he thinks I need or would enjoy, we don't wait for Christmas or a birthday or an anniversary.

Great. Those are the things that make you feel loved and special. And you looked for a spouse who provides those things. But caring about holidays isn't stupid or selfish or high maintenance. It is something I need to feel loved and known in my relationship. I don't want, need or expect my husband to do the things on your list. Does that mean you are putting too much pressure on your husband? No. It means that I am not compatible with your spouse. Which is fine.