Would this bother you re: husband and holiday shopping

[Anonymous]

Let me start by saying that my DH is an awesome guy. Great dad (we have a toddler and infant, so no small feat), does more than his fair share around the house, etc. But EVERY holiday he waits until the very last second to buy gifts for me, and it bothers me. I buy the vast majority of gifts for both of our families, our kids, etc - and think about the stuff weeks if not months in advance so it has time to get where it needs to go, etc. I really do like giving gifts and get a kick out of knowing I got something someone will love.

So today, as usual, he says that he has to go to the mall to buy stuff for me. He says he has 'something in mind, and hopefully they'll have it.' So - if they don't - what? It's Dec 23 - he'll just wander around hoping he finds something decent? I just don't get why he can't think about this a few weeks in advance and try to put thought into getting something I'd really like. He's done it basically every year, for every birthday and Christmas, since we've been together (over 10 years) and it just bugs me. It's like he can't be bothered to put some thought into it, when I spend a lot of time trying to get nice things for him and his family (not necessarily monetarily nice - just things I know will be special for them). I even did it this year at a few weeks postpartum (not trying to emphasize my own awesomeness, but more trying to explain why I really don't think spending a thoughtful half hour shopping online is a big deal).

I know how lucky I am to have a great guy, and this is obviously a relatively minor issue - it just frustrates me every year, and then the next year it's the same song and dance again (him running to the mall at the last minute, as if he didn't know when Christmas was going to be). Can anyone relate?

[Anonymous]

Dear OP,

Men don't give a shit.

Sincerely,

DH

[Anonymous]

Less work for you: the new rule is that he gets gifts for his side of the family, you get gifts for your side of the family. If he's not happy he can also send the Christmas cards for his side of the family (bet he doesn't do that either, huh?).

Less work for him and better for you: TELL him what you want for Christmas or your birthday. (This is what I do, but then I hate surprises and always have something particular in mind that I want.)

[Anonymous]

My husband can be like this with things -- wait to the last minute for "home"/"personal" issues -- but big planner for work things. My DH is also a great guy.
I say this as someone who is learning (slooowwwly) to do this myself: LET.IT.GO.
Really, it's a non-issue. He does things differently than you do. Men and women often(generalization here) see things differently and THINK differently. It has nothing to do with how much he cares for you, it's just the way he PLANS, not the way he FEELS. Maybe next year you can give him a list ahead of time. Seriously, it's not worth getting worked up about. Trust me, I know!!

[Anonymous]

Men never change. I have been married 20 years. It is the same sh*t every Christmas at my house. I got annoyed the first 12 years. I now know that is how he rolls. It is one day out of the year. It is the other 364 days that count.

Merry Christmas!

[Anonymous]

14:17 here again. I forgot to add that this year I told him he was responsible for buying gifts for his adult daughter and his grandkids, plus his mom and stepdad. You know what -- he took care of most of it online on saturday. Not MY timeframe, but it was not on MY to-do list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dear OP,

Men don't give a shit.

Sincerely,

DH

+1

My husband does not buy any gifts. If I want a gift I have to email him what I want (either general like jewelry or very specific). He has gotten so used to me taking care of everyone, including his family he just does not think about it. This year I went on strike and no Christmas cards. He asked and I told him that the majority are for his family and I just don't care, so if he wants them done, he can do them. Sure enough, no holiday cards to date. Just send him a wishlist and move on.

[Anonymous]

Seriously, OP, are you me? I just wrote basically this same exact thing in an email to my sister not even 30 minutes ago, except I used some less-polite language and am actually kind of hurt by the whole thing. Every year he comes back with stuff that is nowhere near my style, or just plain junk so he has something, anything, to give me. I even started sending him direct links to things I really like or want, right after Thanksgiving, but of course he left it so long that he can't order online and doesn't know where to go locally.

I know Christmas isn't about gifts, but it's the lack of thought and the fact that he still doesn't have any idea about what I like--also after more than a decade together--that upsets me. Like you, I also have put in a lot of thought about the gifts he's getting, and I'm always in charge of getting the gifts for his parents and brothers' kids. I know I sound a little like a spoiled brat, but is is really frustrating and a little hurtful to have it happen year after year after year. I too have tried to explain and he feels bad, in the moment, but it doesn't change...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Less work for you: the new rule is that he gets gifts for his side of the family, you get gifts for your side of the family. If he's not happy he can also send the Christmas cards for his side of the family (bet he doesn't do that either, huh?).

Less work for him and better for you: TELL him what you want for Christmas or your birthday. (This is what I do, but then I hate surprises and always have something particular in mind that I want.)

This is a shitty new rule and enforces the your family vs. my family crap.

I do the Christmas shopping for nearly everyone. DH does get stuff for the kids and me. I don't care when or how, but it's nice to have something to open. Let go of the when and how.

Conversely, DH does a lot of stuff for my side of the family. Example - my mom needed a car. He found one, bought it, tuned it up and drove it to her house. We all have our strengths.

[Anonymous]

This could be my DH as well. My solution? Send him an email with a selection of easily ordered-from-online options and have him pick.

And get over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Less work for you: the new rule is that he gets gifts for his side of the family, you get gifts for your side of the family. If he's not happy he can also send the Christmas cards for his side of the family (bet he doesn't do that either, huh?).

Less work for him and better for you: TELL him what you want for Christmas or your birthday. (This is what I do, but then I hate surprises and always have something particular in mind that I want.)

This is a shitty new rule and enforces the your family vs. my family crap.

I do the Christmas shopping for nearly everyone. DH does get stuff for the kids and me. I don't care when or how, but it's nice to have something to open. Let go of the when and how.

Conversely, DH does a lot of stuff for my side of the family. Example - my mom needed a car. He found one, bought it, tuned it up and drove it to her house. We all have our strengths.

Not a good rule because it will only reflect poorly on DW.

[Anonymous]

No one is perfect, this is just his flaw and it is minor. Better to have a great husband and dad to your kids than someone who is only good at picking out presents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me start by saying that my DH is an awesome guy. Great dad (we have a toddler and infant, so no small feat), does more than his fair share around the house, etc. But EVERY holiday he waits until the very last second to buy gifts for me, and it bothers me. I buy the vast majority of gifts for both of our families, our kids, etc - and think about the stuff weeks if not months in advance so it has time to get where it needs to go, etc. I really do like giving gifts and get a kick out of knowing I got something someone will love.

So today, as usual, he says that he has to go to the mall to buy stuff for me. He says he has 'something in mind, and hopefully they'll have it.' So - if they don't - what? It's Dec 23 - he'll just wander around hoping he finds something decent? I just don't get why he can't think about this a few weeks in advance and try to put thought into getting something I'd really like. He's done it basically every year, for every birthday and Christmas, since we've been together (over 10 years) and it just bugs me. It's like he can't be bothered to put some thought into it, when I spend a lot of time trying to get nice things for him and his family (not necessarily monetarily nice - just things I know will be special for them). I even did it this year at a few weeks postpartum (not trying to emphasize my own awesomeness, but more trying to explain why I really don't think spending a thoughtful half hour shopping online is a big deal).

I know how lucky I am to have a great guy, and this is obviously a relatively minor issue - it just frustrates me every year, and then the next year it's the same song and dance again (him running to the mall at the last minute, as if he didn't know when Christmas was going to be). Can anyone relate?

You're not complaining about the gifts you get, you're complaining about the time in which he picks them out?

Good grief. Some people really just have to have something to bitch about, don't they?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seriously, OP, are you me? I just wrote basically this same exact thing in an email to my sister not even 30 minutes ago, except I used some less-polite language and am actually kind of hurt by the whole thing. Every year he comes back with stuff that is nowhere near my style, or just plain junk so he has something, anything, to give me. I even started sending him direct links to things I really like or want, right after Thanksgiving, but of course he left it so long that he can't order online and doesn't know where to go locally.

I know Christmas isn't about gifts, but it's the lack of thought and the fact that he still doesn't have any idea about what I like--also after more than a decade together--that upsets me. Like you, I also have put in a lot of thought about the gifts he's getting, and I'm always in charge of getting the gifts for his parents and brothers' kids. I know I sound a little like a spoiled brat, but is is really frustrating and a little hurtful to have it happen year after year after year. I too have tried to explain and he feels bad, in the moment, but it doesn't change...

This is exactly, EXACTLY it! But said much better thanks! - OP

[Anonymous]

My father only shopped for my mother on Christmas Eve. He always bought something nice.