Estranged in-laws sent gifts for the kids...

[Anonymous]

OP just saw your post. Your child had a great idea-give to Goodwill. You have raised your kids well.

[Anonymous]

OP, you've done the right thing to cut of these toxic people, and agree with PP that you've done a great job raising your kids if they had the idea to give the toys to Goodwill.
Merry Christmas!

[Anonymous]

I'm totally with you, OP! Glad you donated them. Stay strong!

[Anonymous]

I was one of the pp's who had originally said keep them, and send a gift- but I right about lost it when I read the part about your daughter saying they told her she has a bad mommy!! That is downright dirty!!! Burn those gifts! They might have bad juju.

Actually- your daughter is wise, and I think it is great that she thinks you should donate the toys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As much as FIL might be cray cray, I don't think they sent your kids gifts to be rude or spiteful. Accept graciously, and get your kids to write the think you note. (If they can- if not end one on behalf of the kids).

+1. Even crazy grandparents are people.

[Anonymous]

Let the kids keep the gifts and have them write the thank you notes.

[Anonymous]

I'd keep the gifts, not write a thank you note, and not initiate any contact with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As much as FIL might be cray cray, I don't think they sent your kids gifts to be rude or spiteful. Accept graciously, and get your kids to write the think you note. (If they can- if not end one on behalf of the kids).

+1. Even crazy grandparents are people.

Nope, this is horrible advice, given by someone who has no idea what they are talking about. Unless you have experienced toxic, narcissistic human beings making your life a living hell, you cannot give advice. Once you break contact with them you have to keep away. Even sending a thank you note makes them think it is ok to mess with you. You don't have to put up with being treated like garbage. You do not have to be gracious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let the kids keep the gifts and have them write the thank you notes.

I know people are very hung up on writing thank you notes here. If this is so important to you, have the kids write them. Then put them in a envelope and tuck them away. Someday...when the inlaws go on meds, mellow out or just change into decent human beings (not) then you can give them the notes. At least your kids will have practice writing them.

[Anonymous]

Let your kids decide if they want a relationship with their grandparents, don't make the decision for them, as that makes you no better than you claim your ILs are. My mother never said a bad word about my father. As I got older, I figured it out for myself. Kids are smart.

[Anonymous]

Great choice OP. Glad you donated them. Smart daughter! Win-win. No need to have reminders of toxic people, but no need to waste gifts either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As much as FIL might be cray cray, I don't think they sent your kids gifts to be rude or spiteful. Accept graciously, and get your kids to write the think you note. (If they can- if not end one on behalf of the kids).

+1. Regardless of how they are bad or crazy, wouldn't your kids be better off with grandparents? The little kiddies don't know the grandparents' bad sides.

Depends? Are we taking molesters or card sharks?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the feedback.

Backstory about the estrangement: The in-laws have been actively trying to separate husband and I from the beginning. MIL is a control freak, and nobody will ever be good enough for her boy. Sadly, I am not the first woman to have to endure her special brand of nutty. Husband and I eloped, which gave MIL fits. There has been lots of trash-talking me to other family members, which led to multiple short-term estrangements over the past several years. Despite having told the in-laws repeatedly to go away, etc., they have always reopened communication with a phone call or email to husband. Things are usually okay for a few months, then they start the same crap again. Lots of toxic talk about how I'm crazy/dangerous/abusive, none of which is even remotely true. If it were, and if they truly believed I was a threat to my own spouse and/or children, I hope they'd call CPS or the police. Of course, they've never done that because they know it's nonsense. It's just attempts at character assassination to help MIL feel better about the way she tries to control my spouse. I disagree that he's her property; that just sounds creepy to me.

I see a counselor regularly for help with my less-than-admirable traits (normal human stuff; nothing particularly interesting), and for help with the stress of coping with crazy in-laws. I have tried to be supportive of my spouse and have encouraged him to maintain contact with his family, at least in a limited way, because they're his family, shitty though they may be. That's why this has dragged on for years. However, when the in-laws took to trash talking me to my own child during a visit over the summer, husband and I drew the line. They're aware that they've been completely cut off and they're aware of why. We had to block their numbers from our phones, block their emails, etc. due to the onslaught of "your wife is evil" nonsense we were both receiving (they were notified that this was about to happen, and then again when it actually happened). In-laws are recently divorced, estranged from husband's 2 siblings, and a heap of hot mess. Fascinatingly, they're both mental health professionals!

While I would love to "be the bigger person" (again) and "turn the other cheek" (again), I know where that has led us. Husband and I are on the same page: we're done with this nonsense. I don't feel like sending unwelcome gifts to my kids is appropriate under these circumstances, and it comes off as very pushy, manipulative and a violation of the boundaries husband and I clearly created for our family. It's like a creepy ex sending presents. Eww.

As for having grandparents for our children, we have "chosen family" and I volunteer with seniors, so we've no shortage of doting elders sharing stories of the past. Sad that the biological grandparents are a bit crap, but they're adults and can decide for themselves whether or not they want to behave like same.

I just need to decide what to do with these damn presents!

Ok...but what does THIS have to do with presents for children from their grandparents? You have not said that the IL's mistreated the children. Essentially, you have decided that you and DH will not have a relationship with them, and because of your issues with them, your kids will not either. If that is the case, send them back. However, when the kids get older and ask, you should honestly tell them that is was YOUR decision that they not have a relationship with their grandparents. The IL's may be assholes, but ultimately the decision to cut them off is yours - not theirs.

Trashy talking mom to DD is damaging. OP is right. OP, since they are mental health professionals maybe you are an ex prime r. What you describe is bizarre .

[Anonymous]

I don't know what things led up to the estrangement or what methods or attempts have been made towards conflict resolution, but this has been my experience as an estranged mother....my estranged son makes no attempt to talk to me in person, I only receive belligerent txt telling me his side of things and refuses to talk face to face. I find texts and emails the worst form of communication,as it omits hearing tone of voice and seeing body language, so the reader typically assigns their own emotion to the written words and in cases where there is strained relationships, the assigned emotions are usually less than favorable. Long story short, there are always two sides to every story and each side needs to examine their own behaviors, for there are usually deep hurts and offenses felt on both sides leading up to volcanic eruptions and estrangements, It's rarely one-sided! Children come out of the womb with no instruction manuals attached and parents do the best they know how at the time, with their own set of hang ups from the way they were raised, and the difficulties they face in adulthood add to the mess. There are no perfect parents. In 2015, there are so many resources out there for help and if we are willing to avail ourselves of the help, good might come of it. Relationships are not a one way street and of course both parties must be willing to listen and allowed to be heard. I had a toxic mother and we still face conflicts in our relationship, but she was a far greater grandma to my kids than she was a mother to me. Blood is thicker than water and family should not be kicked to the curb unless there is criminal behavior involved, in my opinion, for substitute grandparents will never display the loyalty to your child that relatives do, instead they will be in their lives today and gone tomorrow and the child will suffer loss upon loss of short term attachments. Moreover they will learn the same disregard for their parents that is being modeled to them, and one day the people doing the estranging may find themselves on the other side of the fence scratching their heads wondering how this happened for they never considered the effects of karma. It's all about communication, attempts at conflict resolution, understanding and forgiveness. Give it a try. If that fails, then the estrangement is justifiable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know what things led up to the estrangement or what methods or attempts have been made towards conflict resolution, but this has been my experience as an estranged mother....my estranged son makes no attempt to talk to me in person, I only receive belligerent txt telling me his side of things and refuses to talk face to face. I find texts and emails the worst form of communication,as it omits hearing tone of voice and seeing body language, so the reader typically assigns their own emotion to the written words and in cases where there is strained relationships, the assigned emotions are usually less than favorable. Long story short, there are always two sides to every story and each side needs to examine their own behaviors, for there are usually deep hurts and offenses felt on both sides leading up to volcanic eruptions and estrangements, It's rarely one-sided! Children come out of the womb with no instruction manuals attached and parents do the best they know how at the time, with their own set of hang ups from the way they were raised, and the difficulties they face in adulthood add to the mess. There are no perfect parents. In 2015, there are so many resources out there for help and if we are willing to avail ourselves of the help, good might come of it. Relationships are not a one way street and of course both parties must be willing to listen and allowed to be heard. I had a toxic mother and we still face conflicts in our relationship, but she was a far greater grandma to my kids than she was a mother to me. Blood is thicker than water and family should not be kicked to the curb unless there is criminal behavior involved, in my opinion, for substitute grandparents will never display the loyalty to your child that relatives do, instead they will be in their lives today and gone tomorrow and the child will suffer loss upon loss of short term attachments. Moreover they will learn the same disregard for their parents that is being modeled to them, and one day the people doing the estranging may find themselves on the other side of the fence scratching their heads wondering how this happened for they never considered the effects of karma. It's all about communication, attempts at conflict resolution, understanding and forgiveness. Give it a try. If that fails, then the estrangement is justifiable.

No. That line right there explains a bit why your son may have excluded you from his life. Families form in all different kinds of ways and blood doesn't trump all.