Estranged in-laws sent gifts for the kids...

[Anonymous]

Try to make amends?

[Anonymous]

Try to be the better person in this situation. Accept the gift and tell your kids to write a thank you card, as they would do for any acquaintance that would give them a gift. Refusing the gift and sending it back just breeds more hostility for everyone involved. They may be trying to build a bridge, but you should always be aware of what you will tolerate and what your boundaries are for your family.

[Anonymous]

It's very hard to know what you mean by respecting boundaries. So I don't know how to respond. I mean, are they truly terrible people who get drunk and try to convince your kids to convert to their religion, or is MIL the type who lets herself in to clean and criticize your cooking. If the former, rock on. If the later, I don't even know what to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:do I keep them? Return them? Donate them? Send a thank you? Ignore them?

We've been on bad terms with my in-laws for many years because they have no idea how to respect boundaries (see above). We recently moved, but I guess FIL got our address from a non-estranged family member. Which, whatever. But sending gifts to my kids when you're not even in a position to call them? That feels really invasive and rude, in the same way that a lot of FIL's behavior has been disrespectful of the boundaries Husband and I have set (clearly, in writing, repeatedly).

I was raised to send a thank you card when I receive a gift, and I feel a bit obligated, but part of me wants to ignore the jerk as this seems really manipulative.

Advice?

OP--What are you referring to when you write "see above?"

that the inlaws sent gifts to the kids despite being estranged.

New poster -- but what does that mean?

Sending them gifts could be a loving gesture -- Mommy and Daddy and I are having a fight about the beach house, but I know you wanted the Barbies so here they are. Or it could be the malicious sinister divisive boundary-fucking prerogative that OP thinks it is. We just don't know. We don't know what the estrangement is, how long and lasting it is, what the grandparents did, what the parents did. All we have are the projections of the responders.

[Anonymous]

The fact that the in-laws sent gifts to the kids despite being estranged from the parents is not, in itself, evidence that they don't respect boundaries. It could be a gesture of goodwill, a way of saying that they still love their grandchildren and want to be a part of their lives despite any differences they have with the parents. It might just be a way of saying that they miss their grandchildren. It could be an attempt to reopen the lines of communication and try to reconcile.

I don't know why the OP cut them off--that's a really extreme choice that I personally think should be saved for truly toxic behavior--abuse, endangerment, etc. If the in-laws are truly bad for the grandchildren, then I would return the gifts. But some people get really het up about "boundaries" and every disagreement or personality clash is seen as "not respecting boundaries," so I can't take it for granted that the OP is in the right here.

[Anonymous]

I agree. The reason for the estrangement is the missing key to this situation. If you hate your inlaws, that's reason for limited contact, but I don't see how accepting the presents hurts anyone. If there is something really serious between you (not just something unpleasant, but so bad you will never permit the grandparents to see their grandchilren), then you should send them back.

I don't know what "not respecting boundaries" is code for.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read the entire thread that you think you should let the kids have the gifts
If they're old enough, let them send thank you notes

[Anonymous]

What lead to the estrangement?

I think it's toxic and drama-inducing to send gifts back. Be the adult, rise above the past. My answer might change based on the circumstances.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't matter the reason for your estrangement - if it's to the degree that you moved without providing them an address and they don't have your phone number, you should take a red sharpie and mark them 'return to sender"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't matter the reason for your estrangement - if it's to the degree that you moved without providing them an address and they don't have your phone number, you should take a red sharpie and mark them 'return to sender"

I think this is more or less how World War I got started.

[Anonymous]

We were in a similar situation. Packages came with no return address and the post office would not take them back. The gifts were from my parents and it upset me to see the boxes sitting at our house. I loaded them in the car and planned to take them to a Toy drive. When I got to work and opened my trunck I was chatting with the valet for the parking garage. He commented on how many packages (must be for lots of kids). I knew from other conversations that he had kids and also worked two jobs. Without really thinging about it I asked if he could give the gifts to his kids. I told him the ages and sex of the kids they were labeled for and he excitedly started naming his children and nephews that matched up. I gave him everything.

Then I sent a thank you note to my parents letting them know that the children we gave them two were very thankful and that my children understood why we did not keep them.

[Anonymous]

Give then to your children and send a thank you.

My belief and I know others wont agree is that your parents own you, literally. Of course it's not your parents it's your husbands but his parents are in charge of him for life. Just my belief you don't live for yourself you live for your parents. They are the ones who decided he should be alive they created him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't matter the reason for your estrangement - if it's to the degree that you moved without providing them an address and they don't have your phone number, you should take a red sharpie and mark them 'return to sender"

I think this is more or less how World War I got started.

Huh? Nationalism and Imperialism have nothing to do with this.

If OP and her DH do not want a relationship with his parents, why in the world would they accept presents from them? That sends a completely different signal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:do I keep them? Return them? Donate them? Send a thank you? Ignore them?

We've been on bad terms with my in-laws for many years because they have no idea how to respect boundaries (see above). We recently moved, but I guess FIL got our address from a non-estranged family member. Which, whatever. But sending gifts to my kids when you're not even in a position to call them? That feels really invasive and rude, in the same way that a lot of FIL's behavior has been disrespectful of the boundaries Husband and I have set (clearly, in writing, repeatedly).

I was raised to send a thank you card when I receive a gift, and I feel a bit obligated, but part of me wants to ignore the jerk as this seems really manipulative.

Advice?

Give them to Toys for Tots and don't respond. They are baiting you into responding.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the feedback.

Backstory about the estrangement: The in-laws have been actively trying to separate husband and I from the beginning. MIL is a control freak, and nobody will ever be good enough for her boy. Sadly, I am not the first woman to have to endure her special brand of nutty. Husband and I eloped, which gave MIL fits. There has been lots of trash-talking me to other family members, which led to multiple short-term estrangements over the past several years. Despite having told the in-laws repeatedly to go away, etc., they have always reopened communication with a phone call or email to husband. Things are usually okay for a few months, then they start the same crap again. Lots of toxic talk about how I'm crazy/dangerous/abusive, none of which is even remotely true. If it were, and if they truly believed I was a threat to my own spouse and/or children, I hope they'd call CPS or the police. Of course, they've never done that because they know it's nonsense. It's just attempts at character assassination to help MIL feel better about the way she tries to control my spouse. I disagree that he's her property; that just sounds creepy to me.

I see a counselor regularly for help with my less-than-admirable traits (normal human stuff; nothing particularly interesting), and for help with the stress of coping with crazy in-laws. I have tried to be supportive of my spouse and have encouraged him to maintain contact with his family, at least in a limited way, because they're his family, shitty though they may be. That's why this has dragged on for years. However, when the in-laws took to trash talking me to my own child during a visit over the summer, husband and I drew the line. They're aware that they've been completely cut off and they're aware of why. We had to block their numbers from our phones, block their emails, etc. due to the onslaught of "your wife is evil" nonsense we were both receiving (they were notified that this was about to happen, and then again when it actually happened). In-laws are recently divorced, estranged from husband's 2 siblings, and a heap of hot mess. Fascinatingly, they're both mental health professionals!

While I would love to "be the bigger person" (again) and "turn the other cheek" (again), I know where that has led us. Husband and I are on the same page: we're done with this nonsense. I don't feel like sending unwelcome gifts to my kids is appropriate under these circumstances, and it comes off as very pushy, manipulative and a violation of the boundaries husband and I clearly created for our family. It's like a creepy ex sending presents. Eww.

As for having grandparents for our children, we have "chosen family" and I volunteer with seniors, so we've no shortage of doting elders sharing stories of the past. Sad that the biological grandparents are a bit crap, but they're adults and can decide for themselves whether or not they want to behave like same.

I just need to decide what to do with these damn presents!