Estranged in-laws sent gifts for the kids...

[Anonymous]

do I keep them? Return them? Donate them? Send a thank you? Ignore them?

We've been on bad terms with my in-laws for many years because they have no idea how to respect boundaries (see above). We recently moved, but I guess FIL got our address from a non-estranged family member. Which, whatever. But sending gifts to my kids when you're not even in a position to call them? That feels really invasive and rude, in the same way that a lot of FIL's behavior has been disrespectful of the boundaries Husband and I have set (clearly, in writing, repeatedly).

I was raised to send a thank you card when I receive a gift, and I feel a bit obligated, but part of me wants to ignore the jerk as this seems really manipulative.

Advice?

[Anonymous]

I'd return them marked refused.

[Anonymous]

We're going through this now also. We always mark letters and gifts return to sender. I don't think it's okay to keep our children from them but accept their gifts.

[Anonymous]

As much as FIL might be cray cray, I don't think they sent your kids gifts to be rude or spiteful. Accept graciously, and get your kids to write the think you note. (If they can- if not end one on behalf of the kids).

[Anonymous]

Send them back. Take a red sharpie and mark them return to sender, unknown recipient and hand them back to usps or whoever he used to send them. If they came directly from amazon or toysrus just return them and buy what you want.

[Anonymous]

your kids will wonder about them as they grow up. give them the gifts. I had estranged grand parents for similar issues. my mother never hid gifts from them.
no matter what the inlaws did where you can't have contact why not accpet the gifts and tell them thanks. just simple. maybe they are reaching out.

believe me I know about manipulators and games, but you have to rise above it to not damage your kids. as they grow they will see all the other gparents at games and parties, other kids talking about gifts etc.

there will come a day when maybe they are still alive and want to visit them, then you will have no control of it if they are 18. they will be more curious if they don't have any contact.

[Anonymous]

Hmm...that is a hard one.

My husbands mom is a control freak.

She once brought gifts for the kids and put them under our tree. She than got mad at god knows what and took them back.

I never again had any respect for her. She is an witch.

I would donate them.

[Anonymous]

What does your husband want to do? They are his parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As much as FIL might be cray cray, I don't think they sent your kids gifts to be rude or spiteful. Accept graciously, and get your kids to write the think you note. (If they can- if not end one on behalf of the kids).

+1. Regardless of how they are bad or crazy, wouldn't your kids be better off with grandparents? The little kiddies don't know the grandparents' bad sides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:your kids will wonder about them as they grow up. give them the gifts. I had estranged grand parents for similar issues. my mother never hid gifts from them.
no matter what the inlaws did where you can't have contact why not accpet the gifts and tell them thanks. just simple. maybe they are reaching out.

believe me I know about manipulators and games, but you have to rise above it to not damage your kids. as they grow they will see all the other gparents at games and parties, other kids talking about gifts etc.

there will come a day when maybe they are still alive and want to visit them, then you will have no control of it if they are 18. they will be more curious if they don't have any contact.

I disagree. Don't accept gifts from them. When the kids are old enough explain the situation.

[Anonymous]

Way too little info for a response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:do I keep them? Return them? Donate them? Send a thank you? Ignore them?

We've been on bad terms with my in-laws for many years because they have no idea how to respect boundaries (see above). We recently moved, but I guess FIL got our address from a non-estranged family member. Which, whatever. But sending gifts to my kids when you're not even in a position to call them? That feels really invasive and rude, in the same way that a lot of FIL's behavior has been disrespectful of the boundaries Husband and I have set (clearly, in writing, repeatedly).

I was raised to send a thank you card when I receive a gift, and I feel a bit obligated, but part of me wants to ignore the jerk as this seems really manipulative.

Advice?

OP--What are you referring to when you write "see above?"

[Anonymous]

Hmm. Difficult. I would send a thank you note and keep the gifts, but then I'm a softie. I can totally understand why you would decide not to, though. Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Way too little info for a response.

I agree. OP and her husband could be uptight yuppie control freaks for all we know. Without knowing why these in-laws are so egregious sorry, can't help you. Try a counselor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:do I keep them? Return them? Donate them? Send a thank you? Ignore them?

We've been on bad terms with my in-laws for many years because they have no idea how to respect boundaries (see above). We recently moved, but I guess FIL got our address from a non-estranged family member. Which, whatever. But sending gifts to my kids when you're not even in a position to call them? That feels really invasive and rude, in the same way that a lot of FIL's behavior has been disrespectful of the boundaries Husband and I have set (clearly, in writing, repeatedly).

I was raised to send a thank you card when I receive a gift, and I feel a bit obligated, but part of me wants to ignore the jerk as this seems really manipulative.

Advice?

OP--What are you referring to when you write "see above?"

that the inlaws sent gifts to the kids despite being estranged.