In-Laws rarely visit grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pp again- since my parents and ILs don't visit, call, or Skype much (emails almost every day- like my toddlers understand that!), I plan on doing the Exact Same Thing to them when they are old and infirm.

Right now they have enough energy to run marathons, go on kayak races, and hike every day. But travelling to see my kids is too much. Bullshit!

So I am sweet, pleasant, and kind, but I'm not going to do one thing for them when they are old. And since my kids don't know them much, I'm sure they won't either.

Enjoy being old and alone Boomers!!

There are 2 sides to every story. I raised 3 kids. My daughter only wants to see us when there is something in it for her, like babysitting. We have gotten older and constantly being used as a babysitter is too much for us. I think the issue is, how did we raise such a self centered daughter?

[Anonymous]

O,P, obviously, you do not make them feel welcome and expect free childcare and maid service. Why the hell would they want to come?

[Anonymous]

I've gone through majority of my life with certain expectations of my parents simply because of what some other parents do for their kids... like giving me xmas presents or showing up to my college graduation or inviting me to a family vacation. it brought nothing But anger and resentment for years. I tried my best to invite them to go to various restaurants, to go hiking, giving them gifts that I thought they would like. Then I decided one day that my efforts were a waste of my time and to just let go of expectations. My mom helped me out with my first newborn by coming over for a few hours a day. Then it was Mother's Day and I didn't do anything for her. She was pretty much livid with me for a few years. When I had my second child, I had to have csection and later hospitalized for infection. when I came out, I took care of my two kids under 2 by myself during the day because she never came. She lived 20 minutes away and didnt work. She didn't want to do anything for me because she didnt get anything in return last time. I just have to remember they have their lives and like anybody else they choose to live them as they please. Just because they are "family" doesn't mean they are reliable or are supposed to be a certain way. Everybody's different family or not. They live 20 minutes away but I don't expect them to call or come and they very seldomly do. I now concentrate on my own family and as much work as my little ones are, they've brought nothing but pure joy and unconditional love to my life. All the anger I had towards my parents melted away once I dropped all my expectations and concentrated on my own family.

[Anonymous]

I think you're right PP. But it is a difficult journey, especially when you're in the thick of it. It's hard to let go of one's parents, especially when you spent so much of your young life idolizing them.

But you're right - you just have to let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp again- since my parents and ILs don't visit, call, or Skype much (emails almost every day- like my toddlers understand that!), I plan on doing the Exact Same Thing to them when they are old and infirm.

Right now they have enough energy to run marathons, go on kayak races, and hike every day. But travelling to see my kids is too much. Bullshit!

So I am sweet, pleasant, and kind, but I'm not going to do one thing for them when they are old. And since my kids don't know them much, I'm sure they won't either.

Enjoy being old and alone Boomers!!

Be careful, children tend to treat their parents the way they have seen their parents treat their grandparents. You reap what you sow.

This is so true, but how do you break the cycle? If you have parents you do NOT want to expose your kids to, what do you do in this position?

I am not going to let my drug-abusing, narcissistic parents around my kids, but I would hate it if my kids cut me out of their lives. Granted, I don't plan on stealing my kid's identity, doing tons of drugs, and generally acting insane either. I just want to break the cycle!

[Anonymous]

After years of disappointment I've gotten to acceptance.

Bottom line: it's not you and it's not your kids.

It's them. They, for whatever reason, aren't those grandparents.

Your kids will never know until long after they've passed away. So stop letting them disappoint you and focus on the grandparents that matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After years of disappointment I've gotten to acceptance.

Bottom line: it's not you and it's not your kids.

It's them. They, for whatever reason, aren't those grandparents.

Your kids will never know until long after they've passed away. So stop letting them disappoint you and focus on the grandparents that matter.

Assuming you have them.

[Anonymous]

Think on the bright side - when your kids are grown up and in laws are on their death bed, your kids won't fell the need to spend money and vacation time to go to their funeral

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Before we moved, my in-laws lived 45 min away and saw DS once a month. My parents live 30 min away and saw DS weekly. My parents skype with DS daily and in-laws every other week. It is clear that DS recognizes and responds to my parents better (he's 1.5). It will be interesting what happens when we move back in a few months.

Like another PP said, some people just don't want to be THOSE grandparents. I was a little annoyed at first but have gotten over it.

I don't understand why you are annoyed at DH though. That seems like a total overreaction and really unhealthy.

I don't understand why you were annoyed - Your parents saw you kid 2x/ month and your inlaws 1x/month plus skype time.... Isn't that plenty?


Anyway, growing up I lived very far from my grandma who I ADORED! Much of my adoration was my parents work - how they talked about her and built her image to me. I would see her only twice/year - I would visit during summer for maybe 3 weeks and she would come to visit us once a year for 15 days.

As I got older, sometimes I would go during winter for 2 weeks.

Besides that, we lived in the middle of nowhere where no one had phones in their homes and there was a post in the city with one phone. We would call her maybe once a month and she would call us maybe once a month or less.

She also would never forget X-mas, Easter, birthday, and sometimes just send a big candy bar with a sweet note or something.

And despite all that, I loved her soooooo much! She was one of my best friends once I grew older and I miss her dearly

[Anonymous]

My in-laws hardly ever come over. We have to go visit them.
I don't know why, I do think it's selfish.

[Anonymous]

As one of the many DCUM posters who deal with crazy ILs, I say "relax." Count your blessings. If you start to get involved, invariably the left-over tensions from the past will boil over to make your family miserable.

Familiarity breeds contempt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
There are 2 sides to every story. I raised 3 kids. My daughter only wants to see us when there is something in it for her, like babysitting. We have gotten older and constantly being used as a babysitter is too much for us. I think the issue is, how did we raise such a self centered daughter?

I have the same problem. My MIL only wants to see DD for self-entertainment, but doesn't want to make any effort. So we have to bring DD to her house every time because she won't come to visit us. She also likes to show DD off to her acquaintances, but she doesn't want to do any work. Because, you know, children are not cute toys you just drag around dressed up in cutsie outfits - they actually require quite a bit of work. MIL doesn't want to work, she just wants entertainment. So she has very little involvement in her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Boomers are super selfish.

I agree. Boomers are super selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
There are 2 sides to every story. I raised 3 kids. My daughter only wants to see us when there is something in it for her, like babysitting. We have gotten older and constantly being used as a babysitter is too much for us. I think the issue is, how did we raise such a self centered daughter?

I have the same problem. My MIL only wants to see DD for self-entertainment, but doesn't want to make any effort. So we have to bring DD to her house every time because she won't come to visit us. She also likes to show DD off to her acquaintances, but she doesn't want to do any work. Because, you know, children are not cute toys you just drag around dressed up in cutsie outfits - they actually require quite a bit of work. MIL doesn't want to work, she just wants entertainment. So she has very little involvement in her life.

Thank you for this post. This exactly encapsulates the situation with my parents. They love my son, but only if he's beautifully dressed up and they can show him off to their friends. At a recent family event, they kept telling people how they were the most devoted grandparents etc. I didn't realize this, and another wedding guest congratulated me on having such involved parents. I had a drink or two in me and didn't realize the situation and blurted out, "what? my dad has never visited and my mom visited once. I don't think my son even knows who my parents are, which is why he cries whenever they approach him." When I realized what I had done, I didn't even feel guilty. I am tired of covering up their selfish behavior. They are great at framing photos I took of my son and pretending they took them during their last visit. And yes, they have plenty of cash and time to come visit, and no they would rather spend that money going on vacations on their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Boomers are super selfish.

I agree. Boomers are super selfish.

I also agree! Boomers are the most selfish generation.