Do I tell my brother a family secret about him that everyone but him knows??
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
| OP can you fall back on you "didn't know?" A lie but I wouldn't want to stir up pain. |
Anonymous
|
OP, you mention that your brother has issues right now including being worried about his job. That alone would make me wait to bring this up. While telling him sounds like the right thing to do, it also could send him into an emotional spin that could jeopardize his job, and losing a job can create huge emotional stresses itself -- you see that it could lead into a spiral that would be extremely damaging. How you time this is important; I'd wait until after the holidays and then do it as other suggest--in person for sure, and not on a one-day "flying visit." Are you truly prepared to have his back on this? To be there not just by phone but in person if needed? To do a DNA test with him to confirm it or not? Do you know enough about his emotional and mental issues of the past and present to know if he is likelier to say, "Oh, thank goodness, that explains so much, I'm relieved" or "I'm going to go confront that $%@!!! and ask why he treated me like dirt when I was the victim" etc.? I'm wagering you can't predict his reactions so you should tread carefully here indeed. I liked the idea someone else offered about involving a counselor, possibly. Just for yourself, to work through whether and how to tell him, if you don't want to involve one along with him.
Are you close to his wife? Close enough to tell her that you need to have an in-person talk with bro about some family news and it may be upsetting? I am of two minds even writing that -- if you and she were very close I could see asking her for advice on timing, and asking her how seriously his job is in jeopardy, but she might want to know the secret and might tell him and it's really your role, especially considering that it might not be true (remember, grandma is on dad's side -- a biased party here). If you tell him, plan it with care, even script it out in your own mind and practice it. Be sure to be very supportive and immediately offer steps to take -- "Do you want to see a counselor together while I'm here in town? Let's let's do a DNA test. I have the details for a lab here if you want me to call them tomorrow, etc." Having some concrete actions to take can make him feel slightly more power over a situation where he truly will feel helpless. |
Anonymous
|
Go take him to see this movie?
http://www.npr.org/2013/11/03/242403608/open-secret-when-everyone-knows-who-your-real-mom-is-except-you |
Anonymous
| Not sure what is to be gained by telling. |
Anonymous
+1 so did I. |
Anonymous
This, this, I bet, is why he Cant.Let.It.Go. That's it. Somewhere he suspects; especially due to the differential treatment. But I liked the first PPs response--give Grandma 30 days. If she doesn't tell, then move to Phase 2. I'm not sure about Phase 2, though, what it is. I think (but can be persuaded otherwise) that because everyone else knows, your brother needs to know. Your brother will be so grateful to you that you did not do what the others did and was upfront with him. Now, I have a little caveat here--you can't blame a cousin for not saying anything; it's sort of way out of the nuclear family. And you can't blame someone for not telling your brother when he was young and your dad was involved--again, not their business. But Grandma IS the default closest person with the truth, now that mom's dead and dad's estranged, so it IS her place at this time. You are not the closest person because you are hearing it through Grandma. But if Grandma doesn't do it, it does fall to you. Who's mom is she--your dad's or your mom's? Asking b/c of DNA test. If she's your dad's, then if the story is true, there will be no overlapping DNA between her and your brother. Of course, if she's your dad's, the story is more suspect--maybe your dad was ranting to her one day. But if she's your mom's, the DNA with HER won't work, but the story is more likely true, as she was only 19 or 20 when pregnant and Grandma would likely have been involved in all this. |
Anonymous
| I would tell him because he should have someone in his life who does not lie to him. |
Anonymous
Exactly. Thank you, PP. |
Anonymous
| Seems interesting but way too long to read. Anyone have the Cliffs Notes version? |
Anonymous
| Can you |
Anonymous
| Can you do a DNA test on you and your brother without him knowing? If it comes back not related, tell hi |
Anonymous
Not sure what is gained by pulling up an old thread. |
Anonymous
| I think he has a right to know about the speculation. Do you think it would dredge up more hurt tan he already has? I tend to agree wit the others that with therapy, it could actually help him understand things differently. Neither of your parents behaved well toward you and you both need to make peace with that for your own lives. I would tell him and reiterate that you love him and can move forward as siblings regardless. |
Anonymous
|
He has a right to know. Can you try to find out more information first? Tell the Grandma that you want to look into it further (finding the real dad) and find out everything she knows and other people in the family know.
Also, your Dad has got to know. He should be approached, too. But hopefully by your Grandma, not you. Even for basic medical knowledge about yourself, it's worth knowing who your biological parents are. I have a rare hereditary disease. I can't imagine not knowing my family's medical history. Good luck. |
Anonymous
I know! What's up with that? OP, did you ever get any resolution? |