Reply to Do I tell my brother a family secret about him that everyone but him knows??

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[quote=Anonymous]OP, you mention that your brother has issues right now including being worried about his job. That alone would make me wait to bring this up. While telling him sounds like the right thing to do, it also could send him into an emotional spin that could jeopardize his job, and losing a job can create huge emotional stresses itself -- you see that it could lead into a spiral that would be extremely damaging. How you time this is important; I'd wait until after the holidays and then do it as other suggest--in person for sure, and not on a one-day "flying visit." Are you truly prepared to have his back on this? To be there not just by phone but in person if needed? To do a DNA test with him to confirm it or not? Do you know enough about his emotional and mental issues of the past and present to know if he is likelier to say, "Oh, thank goodness, that explains so much, I'm relieved" or "I'm going to go confront that $%@!!! and ask why he treated me like dirt when I was the victim" etc.? I'm wagering you can't predict his reactions so you should tread carefully here indeed. I liked the idea someone else offered about involving a counselor, possibly. Just for yourself, to work through whether and how to tell him, if you don't want to involve one along with him.

Are you close to his wife? Close enough to tell her that you need to have an in-person talk with bro about some family news and it may be upsetting? I am of two minds even writing that -- if you and she were very close I could see asking her for advice on timing, and asking her how seriously his job is in jeopardy, but she might want to know the secret and might tell him and it's really your role, especially considering that it might not be true (remember, grandma is on dad's side -- a biased party here).

If you tell him, plan it with care, even script it out in your own mind and practice it. Be sure to be very supportive and immediately offer steps to take -- "Do you want to see a counselor together while I'm here in town? Let's let's do a DNA test. I have the details for a lab here if you want me to call them tomorrow, etc." Having some concrete actions to take can make him feel slightly more power over a situation where he truly will feel  helpless. [/quote]

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