Do I tell my brother a family secret about him that everyone but him knows??

[Anonymous]

DNA test first. Don't rely on gossip.

[Anonymous]

Your brother sounds very unstable. Let this issue rest. Why you with the news? Why now?

[Anonymous]

My family has been burned TOO MANY times by people speculating and gossiping and playing telephone with information that is not reliable, or is exaggerated.

If I were you I'd tell your brother that you heard it and it's a possibility, but acknowledge that in a family so screwed up, it's also likely this is bad or tainted info.

Since dad is unlikely to be a willing participating in a paternity test, is it possible for the two of you to be tested to see if you are "full" siblings? If so, propose this if he is interested. It will indicate a "we're in this together" vibe.

I would not share this as a "this is the truth!" story but rather, "I heard this, it's disturbing, do you want to pursue the truth? If so, I'm here with you all the way."

[Anonymous]

He probably suspects as much if he's smart at all--I guessed that he had a different father after the first two sentences of your post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think in fact it may give him closure to know this

+1

Tell him yourself, with his wife present, no kids. He can confront grandma on his own

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think in fact it may give him closure to know this

+1

Tell him yourself, with his wife present, no kids. He can confront grandma on his own

OP are you ready to face any consequences of this or is this just an idea you have from reading a magazine?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I knew a man in this situation. Everyone in the family knew he had been adopted, but him. When the mother died, before her death, she asked the sister (her biological daughter) to shred the adoption papers. She did, and then she kept the secret even longer.

His world has been rocked to the core, and he is in therapy. He has a great wife and kids who support him, though.

Do not underestimate the profound effect this will have on your brother. BUT, it is his moral right to know the truth. It is a horrible violation of trust that his family has colluded in lying to him for this long.

Hugs to you and to him. This is tough stuff.

He deserves to know who is biological father is, if he chooses to search. Perhaps that information can give him some peace. I would hope your grandmother, before she passes, will provide that information to him. She surely knows who the dad was.

Agree with this. My uncle was adopted and everyone -- including his ex-wife knew about it, except him. My grandmother had sworn that she would never tell him and no-one wanted to cross her. Well, for two decades after she died, still no-one told him. He was in his late 50s when he found out because one of his children developed a congenital disease of which there was no history in our family. He was devastated and shocked. (We had all assumed that he "knew" but didn't want to admit it -- apparently it had never occurred to him). However, he was also angry that no-one had told him. I'd known since I was a kid, and didn't think it my place to tell him. In retrospect I wish I had pressed someone in the family to do so. He was particularly angry because he really wanted to find his birth parents and by the time he found out no-one was alive who could give him more information and the birth parents were also likely deceased. So far he has not been able to find them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I knew a man in this situation. Everyone in the family knew he had been adopted, but him. When the mother died, before her death, she asked the sister (her biological daughter) to shred the adoption papers. She did, and then she kept the secret even longer.

His world has been rocked to the core, and he is in therapy. He has a great wife and kids who support him, though.

Do not underestimate the profound effect this will have on your brother. BUT, it is his moral right to know the truth. It is a horrible violation of trust that his family has colluded in lying to him for this long.

Hugs to you and to him. This is tough stuff.

He deserves to know who is biological father is, if he chooses to search. Perhaps that information can give him some peace. I would hope your grandmother, before she passes, will provide that information to him. She surely knows who the dad was.

Tell him.

My dad was not the biological son of his "father." His "father" (my "grandfather") was an abusive prick to him all of his life. He was also cold, distant and sometimes abusive to my dad's kids, especially my youngest brother. My dad spent a lifetime trying to make his dad happy and it never worked.

When I finally found out that my dad's "father" wasn't his biological dad and wasn't my grandfather, it was as if a great weight had lifted. I was free of wondering why that evil old coot abused my dad and was mean to me and to my brothers. We weren't his. We didn't belong to him.

The way I found out was pretty dramatic, BTW. My "grandfather" died after my dad. He had the truth put in the will as explanation for why my brothers and I were disinherited. I was shocked, but am happy enough to trade the money for the truth. Some part of that truth is that if I am not genetically related to my grandfather, I don't have the risk of bipolar disorder that I previously thought I did. Yay!

[Anonymous]

If tell him that grandma said X and toy don't know if it's Terrye but thought he should know so he can decide what to do with the info.

[Anonymous]

I don't believe it.

First, it came from your Dad's family. They take your Dad's side.

Second, if it were true why would your Dad assume custody?

Third, all kids fight with their parents. You dad sounds especially unforgiving, but there isn't anything that unusual.

I wouldn't tell because what would it change? How could it be resolved? I'd just throw it out of my mind as a ridiculous rumor.

[Anonymous]

Unless you know and can find his real father, you should keep this to yourself.

[Anonymous]

You can do a DNA test between you and your brother to determine if you have the same parents. You do not need to involve your "father" in this.

[Anonymous]

Does your grandmother know who the real father is?

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you have to tell him. It sounds like you are the only family member he is still close to (aside from his wife and children), so it's important that you maintain the integrity of that relationship, for his sake especially. Don't be one more person who lied to him, let him down, etc. He'll need to know that at one person in your family is honest and reliable.

You've gotten lots of suggestions for the best way to inform him. Pick one, and tell him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My family has been burned TOO MANY times by people speculating and gossiping and playing telephone with information that is not reliable, or is exaggerated.

If I were you I'd tell your brother that you heard it and it's a possibility, but acknowledge that in a family so screwed up, it's also likely this is bad or tainted info.

Since dad is unlikely to be a willing participating in a paternity test, is it possible for the two of you to be tested to see if you are "full" siblings? If so, propose this if he is interested. It will indicate a "we're in this together" vibe.

I would not share this as a "this is the truth!" story but rather, "I heard this, it's disturbing, do you want to pursue the truth? If so, I'm here with you all the way."

I like this. Good luck, OP. It sounds like you and your brother had a tough childhood and I think it's right that you want to stop keeping secrets.