Food and family houseguests

[Anonymous]

Because we're living in the 1950s and not hurting others feelings is of utmost importance. Or is it the sampling bias? Are the people who are more likely to post drawn from a population of people who are less likely to use their adult words and deal work issues directly? I think this is more likely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had to nip this in the bud in our house. My ILs complained bitterly the first time...I was always the one having to prep everything for the visits, get all the special food, etc. I just stopped. I keep our regular stuff on hand, give them the keys, and they can now get whatever they want.

Agree. OP - If you continue to be a doormat to your ILs, it will get much, much worse when you have kids.

[Anonymous]

For a different occasion, if someone's staying at your house not just to visit but to help out (like a week of free childcare or something), please remember to stock your fridge and pantry! Not necessarily specialty foods, but basics - mixed fruit, cereal, peanut butter, some simple frozen entrees.

I routinely provided free childcare for my brother and sister-in-law, and it was mind-blowing how inconsiderate they were. I don't mind helping, but if I'm not being paid, you're not bringing me back anything, and you don't stock up on a few essentials, then you're kind of assholes.

[Anonymous]

Reading this thread makes me so very, very, very thankful for my big, crazy southern family. I'm also really glad I married someone with a similar cultural, family, and religious background. Marriage is hard enough without adding all this shit to it.

First - House guests for several weeks? I would go insane! My parents and my in-laws come visit twice a year for about 3-4 days max! No way would they expect me to entertain them for weeks at a time. My sisters and brothers plus their kids might come once a year but we usually meet somewhere neutral. We see everyone when we go home a couple of times a year.

Second - Guests eat whatever I cook. I do try to cook things that I know they like. Both my parents and my in- laws are really easy to please. And they always take us out to eat at least once.

On the flip side, when we go visit them it would never in a million years occur to me to ask them to purchase specific foods for us. My kids never got special meals either. They have learned to eat whatever is served to them with a gracious thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reading this thread makes me so very, very, very thankful for my big, crazy southern family. I'm also really glad I married someone with a similar cultural, family, and religious background. Marriage is hard enough without adding all this shit to it.

First - House guests for several weeks? I would go insane! My parents and my in-laws come visit twice a year for about 3-4 days max! No way would they expect me to entertain them for weeks at a time. My sisters and brothers plus their kids might come once a year but we usually meet somewhere neutral. We see everyone when we go home a couple of times a year.

Second - Guests eat whatever I cook. I do try to cook things that I know they like. Both my parents and my in- laws are really easy to please. And they always take us out to eat at least once.

On the flip side, when we go visit them it would never in a million years occur to me to ask them to purchase specific foods for us. My kids never got special meals either. They have learned to eat whatever is served to them with a gracious thank you.

How is your family being southern germane to the topic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading this thread makes me so very, very, very thankful for my big, crazy southern family. I'm also really glad I married someone with a similar cultural, family, and religious background. Marriage is hard enough without adding all this shit to it.

First - House guests for several weeks? I would go insane! My parents and my in-laws come visit twice a year for about 3-4 days max! No way would they expect me to entertain them for weeks at a time. My sisters and brothers plus their kids might come once a year but we usually meet somewhere neutral. We see everyone when we go home a couple of times a year.

Second - Guests eat whatever I cook. I do try to cook things that I know they like. Both my parents and my in- laws are really easy to please. And they always take us out to eat at least once.

On the flip side, when we go visit them it would never in a million years occur to me to ask them to purchase specific foods for us. My kids never got special meals either. They have learned to eat whatever is served to them with a gracious thank you.

How is your family being southern germane to the topic?

Not pp, but i I think culture is relevant here.

I'm a southern wasp and agree that visits are kept to three four days, you eat what served and pretend you like it even if you dont, and often offer to cook or go to the grocery store and you certainly don't expect people to purchase special foods for you. It's considered fine to go to the grocery store and go get your own food if you want.

My sister in law is Jewish and jokes about how her family operates totally differently. Her parents call in advance of their visits and insist on getting a list of their favorite foods and stock the kitchen with it. She thinks its odd that my parents don't bend over backwards stocking their kitchen with their food requests. But the flip side is, she is expected to stock her kitchen with specific food requests when her parents visit.

I've also observed from friends with family in India that looong visits are very normal and the guests are very high maintenance (wrt food, rides, activities, etc).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading this thread makes me so very, very, very thankful for my big, crazy southern family. I'm also really glad I married someone with a similar cultural, family, and religious background. Marriage is hard enough without adding all this shit to it.

First - House guests for several weeks? I would go insane! My parents and my in-laws come visit twice a year for about 3-4 days max! No way would they expect me to entertain them for weeks at a time. My sisters and brothers plus their kids might come once a year but we usually meet somewhere neutral. We see everyone when we go home a couple of times a year.

Second - Guests eat whatever I cook. I do try to cook things that I know they like. Both my parents and my in- laws are really easy to please. And they always take us out to eat at least once.

On the flip side, when we go visit them it would never in a million years occur to me to ask them to purchase specific foods for us. My kids never got special meals either. They have learned to eat whatever is served to them with a gracious thank you.

How is your family being southern germane to the topic?

How is culture not germane to this topic?

[Anonymous]

I think this is a horrible thing to say or even think about your or your spouse's parents. They brought you up, fed for for 18+ years, paid for all your activities when you were young, and you complain about buying them tea, bread, berries, or cheese that they like and having to go sightseeing with them?

When my mom who lives in Russia visits us for 2-6 weeks, we make sure we have everything that she likes and more. We treat her to spa and fun activities. And my parents do the same when we visit, and never accept money from us.

Why? Because we are family! I only have one set of parents (plus my inlaws), and for everything they did for me whe I was young, for all the love and care and sacrifices I want to pay them back.

I would understand if you were writing about an out-of-town friend or extended family, but to say this about your own parents.. This is just beyond me.

[Anonymous]

I stock the house with staples that my family will eat. I try to be considerate of known allergies and food dislikes when I do the shopping, but I won't go out of my way to purchase some odd food that my family will not eat. I used to do this and then family would show up and say that they no longer eat X cereal or Y yogurt and I'd be left with wasting food that we won't eat. So, I stock up on good food that meets their general dietary guidelines. I set aside time the first day they are in town to take houseguests to the supermarket or specialty store if they would like to purchase any specialty items that they will consume. Or they can eat the staples that I already bought.

My mother even knows the rule and we usually stop at the good Asian store between the airport and my house on the way home and she picks up whatever she'd like to cook for her and my father while they are visiting. She'll ask what I have, but she knows what she wants. And she pays. My MIL will usually wait until the 2nd or 3rd day for the shopping trip because she'll come home, look around what I have purchased to decide whether she likes it enough or wants something else. And she is not adverse to just borrowing the car and going to the grocery store on her own.

My hospitality will provide them with staples that they can eat, but not with a specialty meal plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i can't fathom not stocking the fridge with things that people who are visiting like. are there other reasons you dont want them coming? seems like more than a food issue. do they stay in the house because the way they see it - they are visiting you? not dc.

In my case, I'm not the OP, but my ILs have an ever-changing list of needs and wants for their visits. From the mundane to the patently absurd. I couldn't keep up. My H wasn't dealing with it since I run the house errands, they would then arrive and pout and be obnoxious about the fact that I had bought the Kashi cereal they asked for on their last visit to have waiting for them, but they don't eat that anymore, now they want XYZ cereal. They are petulant about it. They complain about what I cook because they want something else, even though I put my weekly menu up on the fridge and never hear that they don't want it until we sit down to eat. So I'm just done. I have all sorts of normal foods, bread, lunch meat, cheese, cereal, drinks, fruit, vegetables, etc., stocked and if they want some super special flax seed pie they are on their own.

Also, if they break one more thing at my house while they visit, I may scream. So far in their visits they have broken 2 coffee makers, including a Keurig, a digital thermometer, ruined a set of towels, pulled a wall mounted tv off the wall, jammed a dvd player, cracked a tile, and broke a window. I think that's it, but I may be forgetting something.

Sorry - how on earth are they breaking a keurig coffee maker or pulled a TV off the wall???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Also, if they break one more thing at my house while they visit, I may scream. So far in their visits they have broken 2 coffee makers, including a Keurig, a digital thermometer, ruined a set of towels, pulled a wall mounted tv off the wall, jammed a dvd player, cracked a tile, and broke a window. I think that's it, but I may be forgetting something.

Sorry - how on earth are they breaking a keurig coffee maker or pulled a TV off the wall???

I'm still not sure how they broke the Keurig. But the tv...instead of hanging their clothes in the closet, which is empty but for hangars to use and a hamper for them or putting their towels on the racks in the guest bathroom (which is only for them to use, we have our own private bath), they hung everything on the tv. It wasn't a big tv, I think 19 inches, and it just came off the wall with the weight of two bath towels and over 2 weeks worth of two people's clothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is a horrible thing to say or even think about your or your spouse's parents. They brought you up, fed for for 18+ years, paid for all your activities when you were young, and you complain about buying them tea, bread, berries, or cheese that they like and having to go sightseeing with them?

When my mom who lives in Russia visits us for 2-6 weeks, we make sure we have everything that she likes and more. We treat her to spa and fun activities. And my parents do the same when we visit, and never accept money from us.[u].

Good for you, hope your adult offspring know what is expected of them. Btw, OP's husband seems to pay all the time and bend over backwards when they are visiting during high season, or are getting visited in cheap season.
It's right there in her follow up post.

My husband used to be the same, until we had kids and he was truly forced to prioritize his time, energy and pocketbook. Before that, he ran around trying to please his parents and friends by rolling out the red carpet and slapping down our credit card for everything involving others. It was pathetic, and we both work our @sses off in stressful jobs (far from the jobs the in laws had). But once we had kids, childcare and had to run our household with an actual budget it was no more "good ol joe".

[Anonymous]

Stop hosting, next year meet at the beach. Rent 2 condos next to each other and everyone is on their own for breakfast a lunch, go out for dinner. You don't have to keep hosting your parents for this yearly visit if it's stressful for you.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

THIS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I stock the house with staples that my family will eat. I try to be considerate of known allergies and food dislikes when I do the shopping, but I won't go out of my way to purchase some odd food that my family will not eat. I used to do this and then family would show up and say that they no longer eat X cereal or Y yogurt and I'd be left with wasting food that we won't eat. So, I stock up on good food that meets their general dietary guidelines. I set aside time the first day they are in town to take houseguests to the supermarket or specialty store if they would like to purchase any specialty items that they will consume. Or they can eat the staples that I already bought.

My mother even knows the rule and we usually stop at the good Asian store between the airport and my house on the way home and she picks up whatever she'd like to cook for her and my father while they are visiting. She'll ask what I have, but she knows what she wants. And she pays. My MIL will usually wait until the 2nd or 3rd day for the shopping trip because she'll come home, look around what I have purchased to decide whether she likes it enough or wants something else. And she is not adverse to just borrowing the car and going to the grocery store on her own.

My hospitality will provide them with staples that they can eat, but not with a specialty meal plan.

I have to laugh, my inlaws never offer to pay for dinners out or groceries - and they easily eat more than us. Instead they deplete what we have, anywhere in the house, they find it and eat it. And if they really like it, they eat all of ours and then buy more to take back some with them in the suitcase! Our friends are much less self-centered houseguests, as are we.