Food and family houseguests

[Anonymous]

Really depends on your culture and family schedule. We're American. If our guests want what I'm making, they can join in, otherwise they are on their own. I give them a key to the car and tell them where the grocery store is and give them a list of nearby restaurants. Similarly, when we go to someone else's house, we join in on their routines with no complaining. In addition, when we're visiting someone, we always take everyone out to a restaurant or offer to buy and cook dinner one night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here, thanks. This is all in the works and DH throws off any attempted convo on the topic.
Ultimately I think he wants to impress his parents, and feels guilty he no longer lives a driving distance away from them or can't see them more.
Anyhow:
*We don't have kids yet.
*When we visit, it's one week, and a mix of spending time with them, good friends and city stuff, often we must "work from home" too. Boils down to 4 days of breakfasts and dinners, on them. We take them out to dinner.
* We fly during high season, as that's when we have off, holidays or summertime. They fly random days when they find low prices, and prefer to stay several weeks.
* On avg we each visit each other once or twice a year. When they visit we are working; unf they don't take vacations where they stay in hotels, so we can't like meet at disneyland or Yellowstone or the beach for a week.

I just wish there was a more fun way to have visits, that didn't leave me feeling so lopsided or odd. It's in real contrast to other family or friend houseguests we have on both sides, and how we act as houseguests anywhere.

OP, if they only stayed for a week (or ten days, so you got both weekends), would you feel better about really "hosting" them? A week once a year is one thing, several weeks is another. I don't think I'd be comfortable with anyone in my house for that long. I would want to put the brakes on the weeks-long visits BEFORE having kids...think about your ILs expecting to spend a month of your maternity leave at your house while you do everything for them. That's the kind of situation you're setting yourself up for. You've got to get DH to talk about this and start thinking about what's reasonable--because the thing is, even if they want to stay for several weeks, that doesn't mean it's the best situation for you and DH--heck, even for them, if these visits make you resent them. If you could have a better relationship with them if the visits were shorter, that's better for the long term for everyone.

[Anonymous]

We have a large mixed family dynamic and, while it took a while, have a system that seems to work pretty well. Every time someone comes with their child (most of whom are very particular), I send them a text that reads something like this: "I'm making chicken parm, mac & cheese and broccoli. If she won't eat that, please feel to bring anything you like." I also tell them what I keep in the fridge in case they want to bring something of their own. I don't know if they consider me rude, but there is no tension between me & DS, which is most important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hear you OP. My parents live in Oregon and visit us once a year. They usually stay for 4-6 days total. Before they arrive they send me a detailed shopping list, usually full of things that DH and I don't ever eat. They don't like to eat out a whole lot, either, but we don't cook, so that gets annoying, since I only cook really simple things. When we do eat out they expect us to pick up the check every time. In addition, they don't want to do sightseeing or really leave the house all that much. On the other hand, they often seem bored and complain that they are not having a good time. They never rent a car when they visit. They do not cook, clean, or help out with any household chores. In addition, they criticize my housekeeping constantly and say they don't like our guest room. They also complain about how much my husband has to work during their visits (I take vacation time for their visits). Overall, their visits leave me feeling very stressed.

And you put up with this shit because?

I am the PP who wrote the above. Well, I guess I put up with it because it's what my parents expect and I only see them once a year. I guess I don't really know how it could be done differently. We live in the suburbs and they won't rent a car, so they can't go anywhere on their own. Additionally, they expect us to buy their specialty groceries and buy all the food. I don't really know what it's like for other people when their families come to visit, so I don't really know other ways that visits can work. My parents just expect all their visits to be this way. It doesn't help that they are very particular in their housekeeping needs, and nothing I do is ever good enough, so I hear a ton of complaints. They also refuse to stay in a hotel. So what can I do? I find their visits very stressful, and it's never a good visit, even though it's just once a year.

Stop hosting, next year meet at the beach. Rent 2 condos next to each other and everyone is on their own for breakfast a lunch, go out for dinner. You don't have to keep hosting your parents for this yearly visit if it's stressful for you.

Interesting experiment, though could be costly. No one necessarily wants to start a family and at the same time start paying for other people's lodging, food and travel expenses. Some grandparents NEVER acknowledge (or realize) how different things are with two working parents, high cost area, overpriced childcare, etc. and just think of themselves. Me me me me. I travel these dates. I eat this stuff. I won't be driving. I don't pay for dinners out, you can though. I don't pay for hotels to go to weddings or The eastern shores, you can though. At some point it's manipulative!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hear you OP. My parents live in Oregon and visit us once a year. They usually stay for 4-6 days total. Before they arrive they send me a detailed shopping list, usually full of things that DH and I don't ever eat. They don't like to eat out a whole lot, either, but we don't cook, so that gets annoying, since I only cook really simple things. When we do eat out they expect us to pick up the check every time. In addition, they don't want to do sightseeing or really leave the house all that much. On the other hand, they often seem bored and complain that they are not having a good time. They never rent a car when they visit. They do not cook, clean, or help out with any household chores. In addition, they criticize my housekeeping constantly and say they don't like our guest room. They also complain about how much my husband has to work during their visits (I take vacation time for their visits). Overall, their visits leave me feeling very stressed.

And you put up with this shit because?

I am the PP who wrote the above. Well, I guess I put up with it because it's what my parents expect and I only see them once a year. I guess I don't really know how it could be done differently. We live in the suburbs and they won't rent a car, so they can't go anywhere on their own. Additionally, they expect us to buy their specialty groceries and buy all the food. I don't really know what it's like for other people when their families come to visit, so I don't really know other ways that visits can work. My parents just expect all their visits to be this way. It doesn't help that they are very particular in their housekeeping needs, and nothing I do is ever good enough, so I hear a ton of complaints. They also refuse to stay in a hotel. So what can I do? I find their visits very stressful, and it's never a good visit, even though it's just once a year.

Stop hosting, next year meet at the beach. Rent 2 condos next to each other and everyone is on their own for breakfast a lunch, go out for dinner. You don't have to keep hosting your parents for this yearly visit if it's stressful for you.

Interesting experiment, though could be costly. No one necessarily wants to start a family and at the same time start paying for other people's lodging, food and travel expenses. Some grandparents NEVER acknowledge (or realize) how different things are with two working parents, high cost area, overpriced childcare, etc. and just think of themselves. Me me me me. I travel these dates. I eat this stuff. I won't be driving. I don't pay for dinners out, you can though. I don't pay for hotels to go to weddings or The eastern shores, you can though. At some point it's manipulative!

I'm the beach poster, EVERY family pays for their own condo & foods. So no one is "hosting" but everyone is vacationing together. We started this after many years of my mooch SIL demanding fancy dinners at our home and special foods for her 3 kids. It was just too much for us to deal with. So now we all meet at the beach for a week in May.

[Anonymous]

If they are your houseguests then you feed them and you do not ask for money.

[Anonymous]

When I'm a houseguest I eat WHAT and WHEN my host does.
I treat my hosts to dinner(s) out commensurate with how long we're staying.
I bring a present (even for family" even if every year).
And I do not overstay my welcome. In fact I don't pressure my host to stay a long time whatsoever, and I would never snack or eat everything in sight at their home. And btw, one you stay over a week you're moving into roommate territory. Not "treat me. " houseguest territory.
And always ask first, before eating thing you see, using appliances, etc. nothing like a broken laundry machine courtesy of your houseguest who underpacked!

Finally, if you come from a different place or "culture", let's talk about each other's preferences and come up with something reasonable. $200 trips to the grocery store twice a week for your free and cheap vacation gets old fast. Very fast.

[Anonymous]

I had to nip this in the bud in our house. My ILs complained bitterly the first time...I was always the one having to prep everything for the visits, get all the special food, etc. I just stopped. I keep our regular stuff on hand, give them the keys, and they can now get whatever they want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One side of the family lives far away, visits for 1-4 weeks/visit, don't rent car, expects us to buy all their food/groceries, mainly site sees with us on weekends, hangs out in the house 24/7, and hates eating out. Are also very particular about having to have foods like fresh bread, cheeses, honey, berries, tea leaves and other perishables.

Any advice on how to get them to not be such homebodies, give us some privacy some days, and pitch in for food costs? Easily for two thirds the meals we are at work, and the current "system" is starting to grate on me.
Money is not really an issue for them, they just don't like to spend it or even OFFER to pay for things (but will silently and thanklessly watch you pay).

Yikes, you are so stingy! In my culture, it is a taboo to do that to house guests. My family often visits twice a year for 6-8 weeks and I usually foot the whole bill (food, day trips and out of state trips, gifts). They reciprocate when we get to visit them as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One side of the family lives far away, visits for 1-4 weeks/visit, don't rent car, expects us to buy all their food/groceries, mainly site sees with us on weekends, hangs out in the house 24/7, and hates eating out. Are also very particular about having to have foods like fresh bread, cheeses, honey, berries, tea leaves and other perishables.

Any advice on how to get them to not be such homebodies, give us some privacy some days, and pitch in for food costs? Easily for two thirds the meals we are at work, and the current "system" is starting to grate on me.
Money is not really an issue for them, they just don't like to spend it or even OFFER to pay for things (but will silently and thanklessly watch you pay).

Yikes, you are so stingy! In my culture, it is a taboo to do that to house guests. My family often visits twice a year for 6-8 weeks and I usually foot the whole bill (food, day trips and out of state trips, gifts). They reciprocate when we get to visit them as well.

Good for you, that is indeed specific to your culture. Your extended family lives in your house with you for up to 4 months a year! And you entertain and feed them nonstop. Hopefully you and your family are respectful of others' cultures and traditions, if/when you ever associate with them.
P.S. The "my way or the highway" approach you seem to exhibit doesn't go very far in any language.

[Anonymous]

i can't fathom not stocking the fridge with things that people who are visiting like. are there other reasons you dont want them coming? seems like more than a food issue. do they stay in the house because the way they see it - they are visiting you? not dc.

[Anonymous]

I have a big family and since I have 2 spare bedrooms traveling family usually ends up staying with me. Most of my family is very considerate. I had one brazen relative send me this long list of groceries (mostly organic food very $$) she would need for her family of 5 that was planning to stay for a week. She said no where in the email that she would reinburse me. It left me speechless that she expected me to pay for her groceries for the week.

I replied that I work 60+ hours a week and did not have time. I told her that I would be more than happy to give them directions to the grocery store. She replied that her mom usually does this. I replied I am not your mother. Needless to say when they came it was a bit frosty but I was working most of their trip so I only had to put up with them on the weekend. They ended up eating out most of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One side of the family lives far away, visits for 1-4 weeks/visit, don't rent car, expects us to buy all their food/groceries, mainly site sees with us on weekends, hangs out in the house 24/7, and hates eating out. Are also very particular about having to have foods like fresh bread, cheeses, honey, berries, tea leaves and other perishables.

Any advice on how to get them to not be such homebodies, give us some privacy some days, and pitch in for food costs? Easily for two thirds the meals we are at work, and the current "system" is starting to grate on me.
Money is not really an issue for them, they just don't like to spend it or even OFFER to pay for things (but will silently and thanklessly watch you pay).

Yikes, you are so stingy! In my culture, it is a taboo to do that to house guests. My family often visits twice a year for 6-8 weeks and I usually foot the whole bill (food, day trips and out of state trips, gifts). They reciprocate when we get to visit them as well.

What third world culture is that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i can't fathom not stocking the fridge with things that people who are visiting like. are there other reasons you dont want them coming? seems like more than a food issue. do they stay in the house because the way they see it - they are visiting you? not dc.

In my case, I'm not the OP, but my ILs have an ever-changing list of needs and wants for their visits. From the mundane to the patently absurd. I couldn't keep up. My H wasn't dealing with it since I run the house errands, they would then arrive and pout and be obnoxious about the fact that I had bought the Kashi cereal they asked for on their last visit to have waiting for them, but they don't eat that anymore, now they want XYZ cereal. They are petulant about it. They complain about what I cook because they want something else, even though I put my weekly menu up on the fridge and never hear that they don't want it until we sit down to eat. So I'm just done. I have all sorts of normal foods, bread, lunch meat, cheese, cereal, drinks, fruit, vegetables, etc., stocked and if they want some super special flax seed pie they are on their own.

Also, if they break one more thing at my house while they visit, I may scream. So far in their visits they have broken 2 coffee makers, including a Keurig, a digital thermometer, ruined a set of towels, pulled a wall mounted tv off the wall, jammed a dvd player, cracked a tile, and broke a window. I think that's it, but I may be forgetting something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i can't fathom not stocking the fridge with things that people who are visiting like. are there other reasons you dont want them coming? seems like more than a food issue. do they stay in the house because the way they see it - they are visiting you? not dc.

Sounds like no one is in the house but them most of time, eating away!

I think it's best to be straightforward when having houseguests or traveling with family or another family. No side should feel taken advantage of. And do yes, there are indeed friends and family out there that only travel when they can get free room and board. They are often called moochers! Oh, and when you take them out to dinner the frugal people suddenly turn into the type to order two apps, large entree, wine and dessert, on you.