Depression - Is it a cop out?

[Anonymous]

I've been told this is one of the reasons family therapy can be helpful - you can find ways to support your loved one who is struggling with mental illness without enabling them in an inappropriate way that inadvertently exacerbates things OR sets inappropriate personal boundaries for yourself.

[Anonymous]

So someone has mental illness, does nothing about it, doesn't pull her/his weight around the house, and it's somehow the spouse's fault for not being understanding enough?

Are the PPs saying this sort of thing really saying someone married to or the parent/child of someone with mental illness has taken on a 100% lifetime commitment that he/she must never abandon, no matter what the sufferer of mental illness does/does not do?

[Anonymous]

OP, You are right but with a huge asterisk.

The first is that you need to get to therapy because it seems like you are recreating your family of origin. You basically ran out and married someone who tended towards serious depression even though it runs in your family and you are vulnerable to it. That's concerning. There is some codependency there I think. If you address that and set boundaries, whether you save your marriage or not, you'll be better off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the OP is depressed.

Also, I think depression can be a cop-out while still being true. Depressed people don't want to deal with stuff, so they use it as an excuse, which makes them more depressed, ...

It's a downward cycle.

I am one of the PP who said it can be a cop out. I was recently diagnosed with cancer and since beginning treatment I am exhausted. I have definitely had people badgering me about why I'm not at whatever, don't do whatever, and I have snapped and said it's because I have cancer. I do have to frequently remind myself I have to keep the rest of my life going even though I'm exhausted and uncomfortable. I know many others, including close family members, who play the "poor me" card and just do nothing. They let their affliction define them. It is a cop out for them.

You have a right to take care of yourself. If other people are disappointed in your for that, they are the ones with a problem. You know this, right?

I do understand this. There is a huge difference in taking care of myself though and wallowing in self pity, laying on the couch watching reruns all day. I still have children relying on me, a significant other relying on me, and eventually I would like to return to life, so I'd like to have something to return to. I allow myself about an hour a day to just be mad at the world and sulk, and then I get it together and get stuff done. It may not be done quite like it used to be, but I get it done. For now, that is okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm with you. I think depression, ADHD, and frequently even autism now are cop outs.

I battle this line of thinking constantly. But really it's only serving to cause me to get stuck and not seek out the proper treatment for my issues. If there was less stigma then maybe I'd stop automatically stop feeling like a failure and would go get some meds to feel better and be a better person. I expend a great amount of energy trying not to be sad or anxious or to stay focused.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So someone has mental illness, does nothing about it, doesn't pull her/his weight around the house, and it's somehow the spouse's fault for not being understanding enough?

Are the PPs saying this sort of thing really saying someone married to or the parent/child of someone with mental illness has taken on a 100% lifetime commitment that he/she must never abandon, no matter what the sufferer of mental illness does/does not do?

You are totally projecting because no one has said this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So someone has mental illness, does nothing about it, doesn't pull her/his weight around the house, and it's somehow the spouse's fault for not being understanding enough?

Are the PPs saying this sort of thing really saying someone married to or the parent/child of someone with mental illness has taken on a 100% lifetime commitment that he/she must never abandon, no matter what the sufferer of mental illness does/does not do?

You are totally projecting because no one has said this.

So why are people calling OP an asshole? He is basically saying those with mental illness are responsible for (1) ensuring they get better and (2) ensuring their mental illness is as small a burden as possible on their loved ones. Without both pillars -- the will of the MI sufferer and the ability of the MI sufferer's loved ones to support/understand/guide the MI sufferer -- the entire edifice comes crashing down.

Most people, when they come here, have tried for months, if not years, to work with their partner/parent/child. Yet a large section of people offer nothing but reproach and judgment of their own, insisting that the OP just needs to try something different, or shouldn't complain at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So someone has mental illness, does nothing about it, doesn't pull her/his weight around the house, and it's somehow the spouse's fault for not being understanding enough?

Are the PPs saying this sort of thing really saying someone married to or the parent/child of someone with mental illness has taken on a 100% lifetime commitment that he/she must never abandon, no matter what the sufferer of mental illness does/does not do?

You are totally projecting because no one has said this.

So why are people calling OP an asshole? He is basically saying those with mental illness are responsible for (1) ensuring they get better and (2) ensuring their mental illness is as small a burden as possible on their loved ones. Without both pillars -- the will of the MI sufferer and the ability of the MI sufferer's loved ones to support/understand/guide the MI sufferer -- the entire edifice comes crashing down.

Most people, when they come here, have tried for months, if not years, to work with their partner/parent/child. Yet a large section of people offer nothing but reproach and judgment of their own, insisting that the OP just needs to try something different, or shouldn't complain at all.

A small handful have used names. The large majority has tried to encourage OP to think about the impact of statements like yours in the bolded above. Yes, people are "responsible" for themselves but major depression can be utterly debilitating to someone's ability to do those things. So by all means, if a loved one's depression is negatively impacting your life and you've done everything you can do, a reasonable person would understand your desire to pull away from that. But saying depression is a "cop out" is more than protecting yourself - it implies a belief that the person with depression is either lying about their condition or willfully inflicting harm when they are not. People who have successfully battled mental illness and are now thinking straight are often amazed by the things that people tell them they have done in the past. They were utterly incapable of thinking straight or of understanding the impact of their actions. All I'm saying is, don't lose your sympathy or try to stigmatize the very real problem of mental illness by calling it a lie. It does nothing to help encourage people who really need help to go get it.

[Anonymous]

It should also be noted that mental illness is so sneaky and can pop up and trick you into a thought pattern that affects how your view yourself. You can be doing fine and then all of a sudden something changes.

If you believe that you are a worthless, lazy person then that is how you will act. And it can take a great deal of time and effort to climb out of that pattern to get to a point where you are motivated to get help. OP and other's attitude that their illness is only a cop-out, that enforces the thought pattern.

But, I do get that mental illness is exhausting for everyone. And it's not as obvious as a rash or a tumor.

[Anonymous]

Lordy op. nothing worse than a mentally ill person lacking the help they so o bijou sly need. If you suspect even a little bit, or anyone alludes that you may need help, by all means, get it. You are fooling no one, not even yourself. Really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So someone has mental illness, does nothing about it, doesn't pull her/his weight around the house, and it's somehow the spouse's fault for not being understanding enough?

Are the PPs saying this sort of thing really saying someone married to or the parent/child of someone with mental illness has taken on a 100% lifetime commitment that he/she must never abandon, no matter what the sufferer of mental illness does/does not do?

You are totally projecting because no one has said this.

So why are people calling OP an asshole? He is basically saying those with mental illness are responsible for (1) ensuring they get better and (2) ensuring their mental illness is as small a burden as possible on their loved ones. Without both pillars -- the will of the MI sufferer and the ability of the MI sufferer's loved ones to support/understand/guide the MI sufferer -- the entire edifice comes crashing down.

Most people, when they come here, have tried for months, if not years, to work with their partner/parent/child. Yet a large section of people offer nothing but reproach and judgment of their own, insisting that the OP just needs to try something different, or shouldn't complain at all.

1) He is male.
2) Many posters on here believe if a woman is depressed that is her husband's fault - if he did everything she wanted/needed him too, then she wouldn't be depressed so his failing to meet her needs and wants is what is making her depressed. His fault.
3) Many people don't understand mental illness and that it can be used as an excuse for bad behavior, especially in those who refuse to seek help.
4) Many think depression means you can't do anything but lie on the couch and watch TV for years and OPs expectation that she / they do anything more or anything about it is unfair.
5) He is male, hence worthy of name calling and hatred simply because of his sex.

[Anonymous]

Being depressed is not a cop out but doing nothing about it could be. I don't think I could stay married to some one who refused treatment, refused to get out of bed, refused to get some daily Vitamin D and exercise - there are a lot of things one can do to reduce the influence of depression on your life but if you refuse to do anything that will help, that's just infuriating for everyone who cares about you. Of course your depression will only worsen when you hoard up inside, refuse to eat for days, and watch TV for hours on end. Even if all you can muster is to crawl into a wheel chair, let a relative push you around the block for a few minutes so at least you can say you're getting fresh air every now and then.

I have a lot of ill relatives and there are those who actively manage it and there are those who wallow in it. I've struggled with it myself and I have some sympathy for OP's post - he's understandably angry at his relatives who could benefit from treatment and lifestyle changes but they choose not to. How is that not selfish?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For all the people telling OP he needs some sympathy, are you suffering from depression?

My mom is bi-polar. Am I supposed to give her carte Blanche for years of physical and emotional abuse because she was depressed? If your illness is impacting how other people live and grow up, maybe you need to fine tune your own empathy. I get that my mom was and is sick. But she acts like I am supposed to be Suzy Sunshine with her. She dismisses her behavior with, "that was the depression talking." I've been hearing that since I was three. When do I get the right to protect myself emotionally?

Behavior, intended of not, has consequences and can damage relationships and people.

Wow, my mother as well. I'm angry with her because in my opinion at some point the depressed person is responsible for not getting proper help and taking medication. My mother doesn't like medication but she doesn't seem to mind being a bitch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:autism is a cop-out? wtf?

Wow. There needs to be some research by the person that posted this post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:autism is a cop-out? wtf?

Wow. There needs to be some research by the person that posted this post.

autism is not a cop-out