how much to give as present for bar mitzvah?

[Anonymous]

I came to this post for some guidance on this topic and am more confused that ever.

Should we give $54 or $108? More? We are not wealthy by any stretch and are a bit financially strained at the moment. I'm just trying to determine what's "appropriate."

Adding additional information that was raised in previous posts:
--I would say we are close, non-Jewish (Muslim) friends of the family.
--My youngest daughter will be in the ceremony and my husband will be assisting with set up for the reception.
--The father is barely pulling off this event bc mom was diagnosed with an illness half-way into planning and has since had to stop working.

This question is a bit stressful, as over-thinking it is detracting from our excitement to witness this rite of passage event for this wonderful boy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Multiple of $18 ... which multiple depends on how close you are to the family!

How about a classmate?

We give $36 to DC's classmates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I came to this post for some guidance on this topic and am more confused that ever.

Should we give $54 or $108? More? We are not wealthy by any stretch and are a bit financially strained at the moment. I'm just trying to determine what's "appropriate."

Adding additional information that was raised in previous posts:
--I would say we are close, non-Jewish (Muslim) friends of the family.
--My youngest daughter will be in the ceremony and my husband will be assisting with set up for the reception.
--The father is barely pulling off this event bc mom was diagnosed with an illness half-way into planning and has since had to stop working.

This question is a bit stressful, as over-thinking it is detracting from our excitement to witness this rite of passage event for this wonderful boy.

First, so sorry about your friend. My mom was sick during my brother's bar mitzvah 30+ years ago and it put things in perspective. Since you are close friends with this family, they know your circumstances and will appreciate whatever you give. Really. My twins are being b'nai mitzvah'd in 2015 and we really want people's presence rather than their presents. If they choose to give something, that is their choice but they certainly do not need to give a certain amount and some of the amounts suggested in this thread are obnoxious. My children have enough and they know it. Since you are so close with the boy and the family, perhaps you could give a personal gift (that does not have to be expensive). I am curious what your daughter is doing during the ceremony, though (and I am not being snarky). Please don't overthink and enjoy celebrating with this family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I came to this post for some guidance on this topic and am more confused that ever.

Should we give $54 or $108? More? We are not wealthy by any stretch and are a bit financially strained at the moment. I'm just trying to determine what's "appropriate."

Adding additional information that was raised in previous posts:
--I would say we are close, non-Jewish (Muslim) friends of the family.
--My youngest daughter will be in the ceremony and my husband will be assisting with set up for the reception.
--The father is barely pulling off this event bc mom was diagnosed with an illness half-way into planning and has since had to stop working.

This question is a bit stressful, as over-thinking it is detracting from our excitement to witness this rite of passage event for this wonderful boy.

Since your family is assisting with the setup and the ceremony, given your financial situation I would do $36 or $54 if you could do so comfortably. In your friend's shoes I would think that $108 was incredibly, unexpectedly generous of you. That's closer to the realm of what distant family or friends close enough to be almost family would give. Honestly since they're your friends they probably really appreciate that you're there to celebrate with them and help them, and whatever monetary gift you give will be above and beyond. Don't overthink it. Just pick a multiple of 18 that works with your current budget and then concentrate on being happy for the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:it is wrong to give so little, at least 36 but 50 or 54 is more appropriate from a school friend all adults should give at least 100, trust me your meal is way more than that. If you cant afford to send your kid to so many, then be a little more choosey, but don't be cheap. poor ta eeeeêerawerrfwtgwerg

[Anonymous]

don't give them anything. that could work too

[Anonymous]

Wow I totally disagree that money is "what's given." Money is nice but so is a nice gift. Nobody cares either way. A lot of people give jewelry to girls and a lot of people give money in multiples of $18. Nobody is judging and the kid will be happy either way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I came to this post for some guidance on this topic and am more confused that ever.

Should we give $54 or $108? More? We are not wealthy by any stretch and are a bit financially strained at the moment. I'm just trying to determine what's "appropriate."

Adding additional information that was raised in previous posts:
--I would say we are close, non-Jewish (Muslim) friends of the family.
--My youngest daughter will be in the ceremony and my husband will be assisting with set up for the reception.
--The father is barely pulling off this event bc mom was diagnosed with an illness half-way into planning and has since had to stop working.

This question is a bit stressful, as over-thinking it is detracting from our excitement to witness this rite of passage event for this wonderful boy.

Don't give $108. You could give $54 or you could give a nice gift that seems good for the boy (particularly something that seems forward-looking like he will use it as he grows up). People give gifts their first nice jewelry and you could give something similar for a boy, or a book, or really anything. Do not worry.

[Anonymous]

In my experience (as a Bat Mitzvah) school friends never bring money, they bring gifts. Family friends and relatives give a mix of gifts and money. And while multiples of $18 are traditional, nobody will think twice if you give $50 or $75.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:it is wrong to give so little, at least 36 but 50 or 54 is more appropriate from a school friend all adults should give at least 100, trust me your meal is way more than that. If you cant afford to send your kid to so many, then be a little more choosey, but don't be cheap. poor taste

So you charge an entrance fee? Is that what the money is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are nonJews commenting on what is appropriate? It is very important to treat a bar or bat mitzvah for what it is, a transition into full responsibility for carrying out all the mitzvot required of us. A bar or bat mitzvah shows Torah learning and shared his or her insights. You don't show appreciation for that with an iTunes card. The party is NOT a birthday party and in no way should resemble such. It is a major life cycle event of utmost importance. No child studies and learns for a birthday party No child has to prepare a dvar torah for a birthday party. A birthday gift is insulting. Yes, bonds and shekel savings are great gifts. Investing in their adulthood or Judaic gifts or gifts that reflect their tie to Israel ...

For those in communities where they have one every weekend, I would suggest a community pool. Our grade representative collects $100 from each parent in 6th grade and again in 7th (6th for the girls age 12 & 7th for the boys age 13). This way, we don't have constant obligations and the child receives one nice gift from her school friends.

I am astonished at the notion that a gift, any gift, but especially one given from the heart and with the best of intentions could be viewed as "insulting."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Really, 18? For such a major event? I always give like its a wedding.

Multiple of 18 means that you could also give $180 or $90. Yes, it is a major event and I am used to giving generously because of my own preference in matters of gift giving. I would be embarrassed to give less because to me it would signify that 1) I do not care about the event and the person, 2) I cannot afford to give more and 3) I am cheap.

However, give what you are comfortable giving and what you can afford.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Multiple of $18 ... which multiple depends on how close you are to the family!

How about a classmate?

We give $36 to DC's classmates.

This is appropriate.

[Anonymous]

We always give $50-100 depends on how close my child is to the kid celebrating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are nonJews commenting on what is appropriate? It is very important to treat a bar or bat mitzvah for what it is, a transition into full responsibility for carrying out all the mitzvot required of us. A bar or bat mitzvah shows Torah learning and shared his or her insights. You don't show appreciation for that with an iTunes card. The party is NOT a birthday party and in no way should resemble such. It is a major life cycle event of utmost importance. No child studies and learns for a birthday party No child has to prepare a dvar torah for a birthday party. A birthday gift is insulting. Yes, bonds and shekel savings are great gifts. Investing in their adulthood or Judaic gifts or gifts that reflect their tie to Israel ...

For those in communities where they have one every weekend, I would suggest a community pool. Our grade representative collects $100 from each parent in 6th grade and again in 7th (6th for the girls age 12 & 7th for the boys age 13). This way, we don't have constant obligations and the child receives one nice gift from her school friends.

I am astonished at the notion that a gift, any gift, but especially one given from the heart and with the best of intentions could be viewed as "insulting."

[phone]

I second that, to the person who wrote that it is so ignorant to give a gift- you are quick to belittle a "birthday gift" which is essentially what it is but by the same token spending obscene amounts of money with candy bars, and celeb look alikes is aligning with religious seriousness of this " life changing event"? PLEASE!!!!!!