Lack of Responsibilty in Husbands/Fathers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally admit that if I worked and my hubby stayed at home I would absolutely expect that he would do the cooking, laundry, picking up, errands etc. I know that I would do a lot of the kid stuff after I got home just by virtue of being gone and missing her all day, but there would be no way that I would be willingly doing chores that could have or should have been done by my spouse at home while our girl was in school. I can totally understand the mindset. It is a more workable position with older children as opposed to babies or toddlers.

Well, my children are not in school. They are home with me all day. If I was home on my ass all day doing nothing with no children around, I too would feel compelled to clean and not ask for his help. He is still their father and my husband, and still responsible for the upkeep of the home with me. If I worked all day there is no way I would expect him to do 100% of the housework and watch the kids.

Does your nanny also clean the entire house and cook? Does your dogwalker clean the bathrooms too? Does your housecleaner rake leaves and walk the dog? Does the person cleaning your gutters also take your kids to the park? Probably not. So why would the mom be responsible for 100% of these things with no help? That's just lazy and irresponsible of the working parent.

Un/fortunately, I have to agree with PP. Comparing a parent who stays at home with the kids to a professional who is paid for one set of tasks is ridiculous. That's probably because I think one of the benefits of staying at home with kids is that the majority of chores/housekeeping can be attended to during the week, and then the family can spend time together without it on the weekend. Should the stay-at-home parent be tasked with 100% of the housekeep -- no, that's not sustainable. But there have been times where I have been the working and DH has not, I have expected him to pick up more of the housework.

I disagree. I was a SAHM for 3 years taking care of our 3 children. It was NEVER harder to keep up with the housework when I was at home. The kids were around constanty to make a mess. It was near impossible to get anything done with a little one always tugging at my leg.

I really think some working moms have absolutly no clue what it's like to be home all day with young children 24x7, if they did, then they would not make silly comments. Now that I am working FT the chores are much easier because no one is every around to destroy the house and create dishes and spill things all over the place. The kids are out of the home the majority of their waking hours-big difference. E

Mabe if I'd of stayed home with only one child I could have been "Susie Homemaker", but not with 3 young tots. I'm glad my DH did not take the attitude of some of these other presumably female posters, he knew my job was hard and knew his work was not over at 6PM. He helped out so we BOTH could relax together and knew that these "chores" could not all be done during the day when my first priority was the children. Why should a husband have a 50hr work weeek and the wife have an 80hr work week?

[Anonymous]

PP, I do not want to start a SAHM war b/c it isn't about that, but I agree. I have working mom friends who come over the time and look around at my clutter and I can see their judgement. I want to scream, okay, but we LIVE in this house. My friends kids eat almost three meals a day OUT of the house, never play in the house, nothing. What is there to clean? Seriously...I could either clean all day or hang with the kids a little...I have to pick the kids. But the clutter seems to be a tidal wave that keeps coming. No commenting from anyone on organizing ideas please, that is NOT what this rant is about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, I do not want to start a SAHM war b/c it isn't about that, but I agree. I have working mom friends who come over the time and look around at my clutter and I can see their judgement. I want to scream, okay, but we LIVE in this house. My friends kids eat almost three meals a day OUT of the house, never play in the house, nothing. What is there to clean? Seriously...I could either clean all day or hang with the kids a little...I have to pick the kids. But the clutter seems to be a tidal wave that keeps coming. No commenting from anyone on organizing ideas please, that is NOT what this rant is about.

PP, sorry about your friends. I work outside my home and my house is a mess, too. I certainly would not judge you. I'd probably feel you were normal!

[Anonymous]

I am very sorry to hear that I am not the only one who has a brain damaged husband. Like some posters on this thread, I have thought of divorce, there are times where I cannot stand one more moment with this lazy, incompetent man. Let me ask you this, who would put away dirty dishes, give the kids a bath without washing out the tub after giving the dog a bath, put furniture outside for big trash pick-up but not call the county to pick up the trash, not wash/give a bath your child who has chicken-pox (I was out of town) and watch the chicken pox become worse and ooze yellow-brown gook and then send them into daycare (3 year old had a staph infection), let their wife cut the grass every time and only cut the grass once since the 3 years they have been living in the house, not change the filter on the furnace, not call the vet to take the flee infested dog in even though the poor dog is allergic to flees and now has bare spots (our last vet died, my husband knows where all the paper work is, I am still waiting for this info), can go grocery shopping and forget the list at home or take the list and does not adhere to it or you have to go grocery shopping again in 4 days because you are out of everything? Who would not wipe the counter down after the spilled something on it, or mop up the sticky floor, or clean out the fireplace that has not been cleaned for a month before starting a new fire (I am the only one who cleans out the fireplace, I let it go to see how long he would let it go, I couldn't take it anymore and had to clean it), have a broken/cracked window and not call the window company until I nagged him to death two months later (I wanted him to do this), change a light bulb that is out (I ed having to do it every time), and who in the hell would not pick up the broken glass that is on the floor from the lamp that the 3 year old broke, who in their right-mind would push it to the side?

I do blame my MIL for constantly enabling him, he can never do anything wrong, and I blame myself too. Because he knows that if he doesn't do it, then I will. The grass got as high as a foot before I could not take it anymore...What are you suppose to do, live in filth until everyone gets sick, or the county issues you a citation. SO I END UP DOING EVERYTHING AND BECAUSE OF THIS I RESENT MY HUSBAND, AND HIS MOTHER. I WOULD RATHER BE A SINGLE PARENT, THEN AT LEAST I KNOW WHAT I CAN COUNT ON...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am very sorry to hear that I am not the only one who has a brain damaged husband. Like some posters on this thread, I have thought of divorce, there are times where I cannot stand one more moment with this lazy, incompetent man. Let me ask you this, who would put away dirty dishes, give the kids a bath without washing out the tub after giving the dog a bath, put furniture outside for big trash pick-up but not call the county to pick up the trash, not wash/give a bath your child who has chicken-pox (I was out of town) and watch the chicken pox become worse and ooze yellow-brown gook and then send them into daycare (3 year old had a staph infection), let their wife cut the grass every time and only cut the grass once since the 3 years they have been living in the house, not change the filter on the furnace, not call the vet to take the flee infested dog in even though the poor dog is allergic to flees and now has bare spots (our last vet died, my husband knows where all the paper work is, I am still waiting for this info), can go grocery shopping and forget the list at home or take the list and does not adhere to it or you have to go grocery shopping again in 4 days because you are out of everything? Who would not wipe the counter down after the spilled something on it, or mop up the sticky floor, or clean out the fireplace that has not been cleaned for a month before starting a new fire (I am the only one who cleans out the fireplace, I let it go to see how long he would let it go, I couldn't take it anymore and had to clean it), have a broken/cracked window and not call the window company until I nagged him to death two months later (I wanted him to do this), change a light bulb that is out (I ed having to do it every time), and who in the hell would not pick up the broken glass that is on the floor from the lamp that the 3 year old broke, who in their right-mind would push it to the side?

I do blame my MIL for constantly enabling him, he can never do anything wrong, and I blame myself too. Because he knows that if he doesn't do it, then I will. The grass got as high as a foot before I could not take it anymore...What are you suppose to do, live in filth until everyone gets sick, or the county issues you a citation. SO I END UP DOING EVERYTHING AND BECAUSE OF THIS I RESENT MY HUSBAND, AND HIS MOTHER. I WOULD RATHER BE A SINGLE PARENT, THEN AT LEAST I KNOW WHAT I CAN COUNT ON...

Ok I realize you are at your wit's end and need to rant, but it doesn't sound like you're in your right mind either. Who would "nag someone to death" for TWO MONTHS to make a phone call instead of just doing it herself? Your need to make a point is the passive-aggressive game of a child. It sounds like you've gotten to a point where you're so resentful of your husband that you are looking for flaws and things to be angry over. I consider myself a relatively tidy person but from your description I would be nervous as hell and walking on eggshells (that I would immediately worry about cleaning up for fear of inciting your wrath) in your home.

I think it's a fair generalization that - oftentimes - men just don't notice and/or aren't bothered by these things as much as women are. Or as soon as women are.

If you're this hateful toward your husband then counseling is way overdue, if for no other reason than so your kids can stop witnessing this anger.

[Anonymous]

Poster 11:23 here.
I understand what you are saying, but if I didn't nag (I have tried everything else) then I would actually do EVERYTHING...and I nagged him to death about the broken window because he initially said that he would take care of it. I noticed you didn't say anything about the common sense issues that he ignores like picking up broken glass, washing out the tub, and cleaning a sick child. I suppose I should have also said that he has actually lied to me about giving meds to our child. I would ask, "oh, did you give Mike his medicine today"? and he would say "yes" and come to find out he didn't give any medicine. Instead of just saying, oh I forgot, he lies. You may say that he lies because he is afraid of my response, but I forget things too, I am not perfect. However, constantly making the same mistakes and lying, shows lack of interest, lack of responsibility, and not putting forth the effort and commitment that is needed in any relationship.

[Anonymous]

Get counseling now. venting is not going to solve your problems!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Poster 11:23 here.
I understand what you are saying, but if I didn't nag (I have tried everything else) then I would actually do EVERYTHING...and I nagged him to death about the broken window because he initially said that he would take care of it. I noticed you didn't say anything about the common sense issues that he ignores like picking up broken glass, washing out the tub, and cleaning a sick child. I suppose I should have also said that he has actually lied to me about giving meds to our child. I would ask, "oh, did you give Mike his medicine today"? and he would say "yes" and come to find out he didn't give any medicine. Instead of just saying, oh I forgot, he lies. You may say that he lies because he is afraid of my response, but I forget things too, I am not perfect. However, constantly making the same mistakes and lying, shows lack of interest, lack of responsibility, and not putting forth the effort and commitment that is needed in any relationship.

11:37 again. These are the big ticket issues that counseling could help. And if he won't go it might even help to go by yourself. Because it doesn't sound like anything is changing anytime soon.

As an aside - is it possible that he's as resentful and angry toward you as you are toward him? And that not doing anything, etc. is his own passive-aggressive way of trying to "get back at you"?