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Lack of Responsibilty in Husbands/Fathers
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Anonymous
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The MANCOLD comment has me laughing. My DH is such a baby when he gets sick!
But he is also very helpful. Both of his parents are very action-oriented people - they like to have projects to do all the time. My DH is like that, too - he can't stand having nothing to do (although he enjoys his leisure time after he has accomplished some task). I am a SAHM, and my DH was not like this after our first child was born. He acted as if everything should be perfect - no toys on the floor, etc. - at all times because I was there to clean up. But whenever I left him with the baby I would return to a house that looked as though a tsunami had hit. He would then claim to have a better understanding and his attitude would improve for a day or so. All that changed when I was put on strict bedrest for my second pregnancy. We had a nanny while he was at work, but he was the sole caregiver every evening and weekend for 3 months. That REALLY opened his eyes. Ever since (5 years now), he has been much less critical of messes and much more helpful about cleaning them up. Oh, and he is also a much better, more hands-on father. |
Anonymous
Outsourcing is great if you can afford it but realistically MOST people cannot afford it. And yes, the mancold... When I am sick DH tries to help but I can tell he gets annoyed. When he is sick the world stops and everyone must dote on him. I pulled a back muscle the other day and am having trouble picking up my 38 pound 15 month old. Everytime I remind him my back is healing he tells me his back hurts too. WTF? |
Anonymous
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When a person stops doing their share at home, however it came about, it is only one of two things:
a) depression/health related b) lack of respect for the spouse. So, I ask you OP, you didn't see the laziness before marriage, but maybe you saw disrespect in other areas? How did you two transition from "does his share" to "lazy"? It isn't just what DH got taught at home, but what DW got taught at home. I don't know enough about you, OP, to know what happened in your marriage, and I am sorry you are unhappy. I do think you need to do some soulsearching before blaming it all on him, though. |
Anonymous
| I have a friend - she and her husband both work - they have four kids. She does nothing and he does everything! He cooks the meals, helps with the homework, does work around the house, even grocery shops. She is very laid-back, low energy and he just does it. It cracks me up - how much she gets away with! He is a very nice guy. |
Anonymous
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PP here- student whose husband does the lion's share of the chores. I asked DH why he used to be so useless around the house before we were married. He said he was inclined to pitch in but according to his ex he could never do anything right. He eventually just stopped trying. I don't get the impression that that is the case in the stories I've read here but just thought I would put it out there. Must say I figured DH acted that way because he could get away with it.
I sometimes feel a little guilty because he does so much. |
Anonymous
Yes, I didn't hear that story line here but I have wondered if that was the case in some other threads I have read on DCUM. |
Anonymous
I could not agree more! I have a friend who's DH does NOTHING. Its terrible she is miserable. He treats her like an indentured servant. She has no self-esteem and does not stand up to him very well. |
Anonymous
OP here. This is a good perspective, however I do not enable, allow him to be lazy or bitch about the way he cleans. If he cleans, his way is fine with me. He is not disrespectful to me. Does not have a rude bone in his body. Just comes down to the fact that he works and has an income and I stay home. He feels this exonerates him from any and all household duties. I have not taught him this. As much as I would love to blame myself for his behavior and admit that I do something that allows him to not be helpful, this is not the case. I think we may have two very different standards of clean. Very annoying and tiring. |
Anonymous
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It has taken me a long time to find a balance with my DH. He is a wonderful helper, but kind of only in things he sees as needing to be done, which are OBVIOUSLY things that I do not think need to be done.
A lot of communicating has to take place, and most if it in the form of lists. I will make a list and say, pick 4 and have it done by Sunday night. And then I have to shut the hell up about it and encourage the hell outta him after. Is this annoying? Sometimes, but he DOES acknowledge that I am busting my ass and does random stuff, like "you have been working hard. do you want to go see your friend in San Fran who just had a baby?" Well, YES! So, how do men become like this? I sometimes think women nag, haggle, whine, use passive aggressiveness, become controlling, and generally REALLY bitchy and wonder why men run for the hills. I also think that men are just like this...do you remember college? How they would live? Ugh. My DH was raised being waited on hand and foot, so I am always a little surprised he steps up to the plate... |
Anonymous
| I totally admit that if I worked and my hubby stayed at home I would absolutely expect that he would do the cooking, laundry, picking up, errands etc. I know that I would do a lot of the kid stuff after I got home just by virtue of being gone and missing her all day, but there would be no way that I would be willingly doing chores that could have or should have been done by my spouse at home while our girl was in school. I can totally understand the mindset. It is a more workable position with older children as opposed to babies or toddlers. |
Anonymous
Well, my children are not in school. They are home with me all day. If I was home on my ass all day doing nothing with no children around, I too would feel compelled to clean and not ask for his help. He is still their father and my husband, and still responsible for the upkeep of the home with me. If I worked all day there is no way I would expect him to do 100% of the housework and watch the kids. Does your nanny also clean the entire house and cook? Does your dogwalker clean the bathrooms too? Does your housecleaner rake leaves and walk the dog? Does the person cleaning your gutters also take your kids to the park? Probably not. So why would the mom be responsible for 100% of these things with no help? That's just lazy and irresponsible of the working parent. |
Anonymous
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Hmmmm...my husband is gone this weekend and I notice that I'm not picking up and cleaning the kitchen automatically since he's gone (I'm a pp who shares housework with dh and who has lower standards than her dh). In some respect, I think I'm neater living with someone else because I know he'll be annoyed with me if I don't do my part. (Occasionally one of the great things about living alone is you can just leave the dishes in the sink all weekend if you want!)
So you would think that messy men who get married would be the same way as me (clean up more because they live with another person) but it seems that some people's belief about gender and housework may work in the opposite direction. |
Anonymous
Un/fortunately, I have to agree with PP. Comparing a parent who stays at home with the kids to a professional who is paid for one set of tasks is ridiculous. That's probably because I think one of the benefits of staying at home with kids is that the majority of chores/housekeeping can be attended to during the week, and then the family can spend time together without it on the weekend. Should the stay-at-home parent be tasked with 100% of the housekeep -- no, that's not sustainable. But there have been times where I have been the working and DH has not, I have expected him to pick up more of the housework. |
Anonymous
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There's a difference between housekeeping and picking someones underwear up off the floor.
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Anonymous
LMAO. You speak the truth on all front. |