Lack of Responsibilty in Husbands/Fathers

[Anonymous]

Has anyone's DH gone from being someone who cleaned the house, did the laundry, grocery shopped into someone who didn't?

I don't know if I buy the argument that it is difficult to predict how the husband will react after kids; I just think some behaviors are easier to tolerate before kids.

[Anonymous]

DINK - Dual income, no kids.

FWIW, my MIL's eyes opened wide when she visited and witnessed my DH helping with dinner, cleaning up the kitchen, etc. It didn't even cross my mind that he wouldn't pitch in. He's a willing participant, but did need a little encouragement in the beginning. I would also say that as our family has expanded, so has his help.

DH's mom never required her children to do anything around the house. (I think this attitude cuts across socio-economic boundaries.)

[Anonymous]

DINK = Double Income No Kids

[Anonymous]

OP here. Let me clarify ladies. DH was not like this before we married. His parent's also did a good job of raising him. He did not see this behavior at home. His mom would not tolerate it.

My question was more "So, where do men learn this or why do they end up like this after marrying and having kids? Do they learn it from their mothers and fathers and what can be done to make sure that our sons do not turn out lazy, tired and unwilling to help out their wives."

Woo Woo for you if your husbands are not like this. At times my guy is fine. He certainly would not have a wife right now if he was like this before we married. I am not that be of a dunce. My general question is what makes them like this after kids and marraige?

[Anonymous]

I think husbands do what or act how we allow them to act. I think that we need to change our thinking that husbands are "helping" us. A marriage is a partnership and parenting is a partnership. So I do not allow my husband to think he is helping me. It is just as much his job as it is my job to run the house and parent our children. Do we have established roles? Yes. But they are roles that we established. I happen to do the laundry, but he keeps the floors clean.

This mentality is also responsible for the term "working mom," which I hate. Why not "working dad?"

I also agree with earlier posters that one's upbringing has everything to do with it. My husband was raised to do for himself. He can cook and clean. My upbringing was different. My mom waited on my dad and I was determined not to be that kind of wife. My mother is shocked by how much my husband does in our home. She comments that I have such a wonderful husband because he can watch the kids. Excuse me, watch the kids? They are his kids as much as they are mine.

I could go on and on. Thank you for tolerating my feminist rant.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't know why some men turn out the way your husband did.

I'm realizing from reading these threads that I was lucky in marrying my husband. At the time I certainly didn't say to myself -- gee, he'll share the housework -- instead I was head over heels in love and housework was the furthest (farthest?) thing from my mind!

All I can say is that it helped that he is competent in some things and I am competent in others and that helps us divide up the tasks. He loves to cook and hates my cooking so I've abdicated all that to him and am content to clean up the kitchen. When he was single, he used to throw away his bank statement without opening it and I can't bear the idea of wasting money, so I pay the bills (but he does resent the amount of control I've taken over it).

I also have lower standards of cleanliness than he does (I hate to brush the dog and give her a bath) and believe me that helps a lot! Can you let some things go and let him deal with them, while resisting the urge to swoop in and take care of it yourself? It will be hard I know but if you can stay disciplined about it you may be happier in the long run.

This is tough, I know, and I wish I had good answers for you. Good luck with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think husbands do what or act how we allow them to act. I think that we need to change our thinking that husbands are "helping" us. A marriage is a partnership and parenting is a partnership. So I do not allow my husband to think he is helping me. It is just as much his job as it is my job to run the house and parent our children. Do we have established roles? Yes. But they are roles that we established. I happen to do the laundry, but he keeps the floors clean.

This mentality is also responsible for the term "working mom," which I hate. Why not "working dad?"

I also agree with earlier posters that one's upbringing has everything to do with it. My husband was raised to do for himself. He can cook and clean. My upbringing was different. My mom waited on my dad and I was determined not to be that kind of wife. My mother is shocked by how much my husband does in our home. She comments that I have such a wonderful husband because he can watch the kids. Excuse me, watch the kids? They are his kids as much as they are mine.

I could go on and on. Thank you for tolerating my feminist rant.

I didn't think feminist rant when I read this, I thought logical and sane rant. I absolutely agree with everything you've said, particularly about the concept of husbands "helping" us. Another thing that makes my skin crawl is when you hear that fathers are "babysitting" while their wives are out. For their own children.

[Anonymous]

My husband is almost perfect. I am a full time student in a very challenging program. Although he works full time, my husband does the vast majority of the household chores. He cooks, cleans, packs lunch every day, drops off and picks up the cleaning, does all of the grocery shopping. There is no way I could have made it through the past few years without his love and support.

But he was not always this way.

In his first marriage he was frankly disengaged and a crappy husband. He never lifted a finger around the house, he never went shopping, he had tons of free time to go to the gym, hang out with his buddies etc. while his ex did all the heavy lifting.

I'm not sure why he is different now but I'm thankful that he is. I can honestly say there is no way I would have married him if he still behaved the way he used to.

[Anonymous]

I don't know where they learn it, but I know what you mean. I have combatted the problem by engaging in covert training exercises. The worst part is keeping from laughing.

I also am very good about saying, "thank you" and praising my husband to others when he does something that warrants it -- like this weekend, the toilet broke in the middle of the night and we were having company over the next day and he was going to the game. I forgot to tell him that the toilet was broken. He realized it was broken and made sure it was fixed before he left for the game so I did not have to deal with a broken toilet and a playdate.

[Anonymous]

My husband has some faults. But this is not one of them. I dated men who I thought would be like this, but I never considered marrying any of them.

My husband cannot do enough for me and the kids. He makes me look like some of the husbands that have been described here.

Like I said, my husband has some faults. I think we all make our choices in this life and we reap what we sow.

[Anonymous]

OP -- I feel your pain. Same situation for me. I think one of the PPs is right when she said that the behaviors were probably there before kids, but I never noticed cause we had so much free time/less pressures, etc. Now, it is at the forefront. And it sucks.
About a month ago I was ready to split up. I just couldn't take it anymore. We both work full time but I do pretty much everything for the kids and house. I also do our finances, arrange babysitters, teacher birthdays, EVERYTHING.
I came to a decision that I never thought I would -- I am letting it go. At least some of it. I have been struggling with it since our oldest was born (3 years ago) and I can't do it anymore. I realized that my choices were to keep fighting for my "rights" and end up divorced, since he is NOT going to change, or to just give in. I tried everything -- lists of chores (he never did his, so we went for days with no groceries, since that was on his list), counseling, leaving him overnight with the kids (disaster!!), etc.
Wish I had some better news for you. But it feels good to vent anyway.

[Anonymous]

My DH is this way too. He did his laundry, grocery shopped, loaded the dishwasher, vacuumed, made the bed, cleaned the toilet - - with PRIDE as a single guy. Seriously Mr. Clean and organized. After we were married, it all changed. He doesn't do any of those things anymore. And he expects me to rise to his standards of OCD clean, which has been the source of MANY arguments.

To the OP's question, why do they turn out like this when they weren't before? I honestly believe my husband at some level resents me staying home with the kids and every single thing related to home care falls to me. He doesn't understand that I never get a day off, because in his mind, every day is a spa day if you're at home with the kids.

So my guess is resentment and feeling entitled to sitting back and letting you take care of him.

[Anonymous]

I FEEL THAT IN MY RELATIONSHIP I PUT MY KIDS FIRST ALWAYS...IF DH IS OUT OF TOWN .....INSTEAD OF GOING TO THE MOMS NIGHT OUT AND HAVE THE NANNY PUT THEM TO BED I WILL BAG ANY OTHER COMMITMENT (OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL OR WORK) SO THAT I CAN BE THERE FOR THEM...WHY IS IT THAT WHEN I AM OUT OF TOWN FOR WORK MY HUSBAND SEE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH GOING STRAIGHT FROM THE OFFICE TO HAPPY HOUR AND THEN DINNER AND ROLLING IN AT 11PM WHEN THE KIDS HAVE BEEN PUT TO BED BY THE NANNY AND NOT SEEN DAD ALL DAY.....IT JUST PISSES ME OFF TO NO END THAT MANY MEN FEEL THAT WHATEVER THEY WANT TO DO COMES FIRST AND KIDS AND FAMILY SECOND AND WONT GIVE A SECOND THOUGHT TO THE KIDS FEELINGS....

[Anonymous]

I think the last poster is on to something. I am in awe of how men, my husband included, are able to put themselves and their needs first. When I come home, I am often fixing dinner and walking the dog in my suit b/c my kid is hungry and the dog needs to pee. My husband changes his clothes, watches a few minutes of tv, and then tends to the dog and the kid. Same thing with any chores. I do chores before I lay around. My husband lays around before he does chores. He does do plenty, but not usually on my schedule and not always without me asking or pointing out what needs to be done -- when this happens I heap on the praise (see my previous post about broken toilet). The not on my schedule part drives me nuts. Everything gets done, but not on my timeframe. He and our daughter have a fantastic relationship and he is a full co-parent, not a helper. His strongest suit has always been child care. That makes up for a lot.

I also outsource a lot -- cleaning, yardwork, errands, etc. That helps immensely!!

[Anonymous]

outsourcing is key. even if you feel you can't afford it -- do it somehow and sacrifice something else. it's cheaper than a divorce!!
Right now, my husband has a MANCOLD. he has had it for two days. so on top of doing all the kid and house stuff, I have him to take care of. UGGGHHHHH. Maybe he'll stay in bed all day today. At least then he can't make more of a mess for me to clean.