I don't enjoy being a parent. Does this ever get fun?

[Anonymous]

It's a total shock to the system, eh? When my oldest was born I remember thinking " how long till I die?" Pathetic! But now my parenting muscles are in better shape and I can tolerate a lot more delayed gratification. Though its neveress work, it will get easier to handle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try to do date nights at home after the kids are in bed. We don't do babysitters either so we only get real dates maybe once a year when family is in town.

Too many crazies, pedos, and satan worshippers around. They present themselves very well so nope, the babysitter thing won't change for me. Maybe your wife feels the same, or maybe she has her own reasons.

Sorry, but you sound like one of the crazies.

If that makes you feel better about leaving your kids with someone you know very little about then ok. Do what works for you and I will do the same.

I will, thanks. But to assume that most people are "pedos" and satan worshippers (?) shows a level of paranoia that is not normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know how you feel man. My wife had some childhood trauma and won't leave ours with anyone including family. It doesn't matter how much you love your kids, they are conducive to a high stress environment. You need a break, and I agree with you...going out alone SUCKS!

My wife can sit home with our baby all day and it's just fine for her. I feel like I'm losing my mind!!! She always suggests I go out and have a good time to relieve stress, but she doesn't understand that she's a part of that. The whole point of getting married was to have a companion. I don't want to go watch a movie alone all the time. I feel like a loser at a concert by myself. One or two times is fine, but for three years!?

I have one buddy that I could hang out with, but as a straight man I don't really wanna go to dinner and a movie with another guy. If I went out with one of my female friends all hell would break loose.

I don't think your attitude is the problem. I think you're just at your wit's end. I don't have a solution other than to just bite the bullet one day and have an all-out war with your wife about it. I kinda made a little progress with mine by telling her one day that she was losing my interest as a romantic partner. Telling your wife that you're starting to see her with the same affection as a coworker can go one of two ways. In my case it got me one date...then back to business as usual. Good luck!

You should get over this. Women go out with their female friends all the time. If you need a friend and someone you like spending time with is offering, don't say no just because you are afraid strangers might think you are gay. Who cares what they think. And, most people can tell the difference between friends and a couple when they see your interactions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like you are amplifying your problems with your attitude and some of your statements are just provocative enough that this thread is making my spider senses go off. I'll still bite, because if this is real you really sound like you need a hand.

So here goes. Kids are hard, yes. And you are at ground zero right now, from the sound of it. But you seem to have a tremendous amount of resentment built up for your wife, and your perspective sounds like something is off with you, not just your situation. I mean, two kids, and it is really "zero-reward?" That says something is seriously wrong and it cannot just be the fact that you have kids. Where are your friends? Why don't you take your children with you to lunch with friends? Why can't you invite a friend over? Yes, if your wife really won't hire a babysitter, ever (especially if competent, caring family is in town), that's an issue that you must work out with her and she has to compromise some. But you also have room to compromise here. I would not have wanted to leave an 8 month old overnight, either. That's very normal for some people, though others will feel quite differently. Both feelings are valid.

Anyway, you sound really upset, so i don't want to pile on, but yes, parenting is HARD. However, you sound like you are making it harder still with a negative attitude. I think you need to break the cycle. There are two people in your house. When you're ready to pop, say "I am going to go for a bike ride. I'll be gone for an hour." and go. Blow off steam. If you really can't work that out, then your issue is not parenting, it's yourself and possibly your relationship.

Are you a therapist? All of this is spot on.

Lobbyist, actually--LOL!

I am a therapist and this is not good advice at all. It is shaming the person for perfectly valid feelings. Stick to lobbying.

[Anonymous]

One of the best things I read on DCUM is that by 8-9 months out you start feeling like your life should be back to "normal"...but it's not. I know this is your second, not your first, but I bet that's part of it. The first year of a child's life is long, and you're not really to a "new normal" yet.

You're kind of all over the place thinking about everything that's missing. Don't think big picture like that (yet). Just ask yourself: What's one thing that would be really nice next weekend? A movie? Sleeping in an extra hour? Nice take-out and a bottle of wine after the kids got to bed? Pick one nice thing to plan for yourself next weekend--and ask your wife if there's one thing she would like to do. If the nice thing for your wife involves the kids, don't worry about it. Just do one thing that makes each of you a little happier.

And how's your sleep, btw? Sleep deprivation makes everything worse. Does your wife work full time?

[Anonymous]

I have one buddy that I could hang out with, but as a straight man I don't really wanna go to dinner and a movie with another guy.

Ok, my husband feels this way too. So go do something more manly together. Go to a sporting event. Go play pool. Go bowling. Go to a casino occasionally. Join a community sports team. Whatever it is that you might find fun and non-embarassing, go do it.
Also, your idea of what is fun will change some. For me, when my 3 year old and I go get Thai food, it is somewhat fun. No, it isn't a wild night out, but we can finally make some modicum of conversation and we both like the food. I actually find tot soccer somewhat fun, because my son actually participates and enjoys it.
Also, we spend money on classes on the weekends (tot soccer, a general sports skills class). One of us goes with DS, the other gets a break. Ok, yeah, the break is at 2 in the afternoon, but I'd rather watch law and order or sleep for an hour than continue playing with plastic farm animals for another hour after already having done so all morning.

[Anonymous]

You need to find a way to take a break. If I didn't get out to see my friends every once in a while, I would go nuts. Can you trade off with your wife? One night you go out, and one night she goes out? Or force the babysitter issue? If you find a good one, kids like to spend some time with a babysitter. It's fun for them. Plus, they'll be happier if you are happier. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know how you feel man. My wife had some childhood trauma and won't leave ours with anyone including family. It doesn't matter how much you love your kids, they are conducive to a high stress environment. You need a break, and I agree with you...going out alone SUCKS!

My wife can sit home with our baby all day and it's just fine for her. I feel like I'm losing my mind!!! She always suggests I go out and have a good time to relieve stress, but she doesn't understand that she's a part of that. The whole point of getting married was to have a companion. I don't want to go watch a movie alone all the time. I feel like a loser at a concert by myself. One or two times is fine, but for three years!?

I have one buddy that I could hang out with, but as a straight man I don't really wanna go to dinner and a movie with another guy. If I went out with one of my female friends all hell would break loose.

I don't think your attitude is the problem. I think you're just at your wit's end. I don't have a solution other than to just bite the bullet one day and have an all-out war with your wife about it. I kinda made a little progress with mine by telling her one day that she was losing my interest as a romantic partner. Telling your wife that you're starting to see her with the same affection as a coworker can go one of two ways. In my case it got me one date...then back to business as usual. Good luck!

You should get over this. Women go out with their female friends all the time. If you need a friend and someone you like spending time with is offering, don't say no just because you are afraid strangers might think you are gay. Who cares what they think. And, most people can tell the difference between friends and a couple when they see your interactions.

I think you missed my point. I'm not trying to be funny, but if you go to the Sex and Relationship forums you'll see a ton of threads from women who complain that their husbands are no longer intimate and don't do anything romantic. Men feel the same way, we just express it differently. Dinner and a movie is a date and it's something I want to do with the opposite sex, namely my wife. I want to hold hands, put my arm around her and flirt. It's not something you do with your male buddy. That was my point. No one in their right mind would see me and my friend and think we were gay. Even if they did, so what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a total shock to the system, eh? When my oldest was born I remember thinking " how long till I die?" Pathetic!

I totally felt this way, too. And the guilt I had for feeling that made it worse.

I'm sure there are people who love all of parenting, but I was not one of them during the early days. Youngest is almost 3 and I no longer feel this way. It gets better and easier and much more enjoyable!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound like a major downer, and believe me, your kids will feel this too if they don't already (and they will also pick up on your negative life philosophy).

What kind of relationship did you have with your own parents?

I just don't identify at all with what you're saying, and I have 2 kids and work. I find the whole experience completely joyful. Yes, they also drive me crazy and I've wanted to scream my f'ing head off at them at various times, but that doesn't change the fact that I think having kids is pretty much the most rewarding and incredible thing anyone gets to do this in this world.

I suggest you get your head checked, your priorities checked, and your expectations about real life checked. You're a dad now, so step up. Yeah, no time for a f'ing coffee reading the NYT at Starbucks anymore.

The people saying you're a beta - yeah, you're a beta about LIFE, not about your wife. Be a real man, be a real dad, and appreciate what you have instead of wallowing in the fact that you can't ski (poor baby!).

So, when was the last date night you had with your husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try to do date nights at home after the kids are in bed. We don't do babysitters either so we only get real dates maybe once a year when family is in town.

Too many crazies, pedos, and satan worshippers around. They present themselves very well so nope, the babysitter thing won't change for me. Maybe your wife feels the same, or maybe she has her own reasons.

Sorry, but you sound like one of the crazies.

If that makes you feel better about leaving your kids with someone you know very little about then ok. Do what works for you and I will do the same.

I will, thanks. But to assume that most people are "pedos" and satan worshippers (?) shows a level of paranoia that is not normal.

Is that what I said? Or did I say that I do not leave my children with strangers and give the reason why. I don't care what is "normal" or not. There are a lot of things that are "normal" but still unacceptable to me. "Normal" is not what I base my decisions on, and if I am not comfortable leaving my non talking children with someone who I know nothing about, then that is just what it is. It is not going to change because it is "normal" to leave infants with strangers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - you need a break, regardless of what else is going on.

We all get stressed sometimes - but you should not dread every moment of parenting. Perhaps you are depressed? Or perhaps you don't truly feel this way all the time?

Yep -- parenting is hard, and the weekends are exhausting (ours are 1 and almost three). But, we do lots of fun things as a family, meet up with friends who have kids, and have time to spend together relaxing after the kids go to bed. We rarely get a sitter because of the expense, but occasionally one of us will stay with the kids while the other does something alone.

Something is out of whack at your house. With two of you, even though they're young, it shouldn't be this relentless. And if your wife won't hire a sitter, then she gets to be the sitter. You're miserable, and no help to her in the state you're in.

[Anonymous]

OP, I haven't read all the responses, so perhaps someone has already said something similar. For us, parenting got a lot less stressful and more fun as our kids approached ages 4 & 6. Before then, I could totally relate to what you're saying. Now, they're more independent (can get dressed on their own, get their own snack/drink, etc.). We can do activities that we all enjoy together and DH and I get more alone time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just don't enjoy parenting. Diapers. Screaming. Tempter tantrums. I have no friends in my life because all I do - all I ever fucking do - is parent. I literally have zero friends. I don't do any of the things I used to enjoy anymore. I don't go out. I don't ski. I can't go to a movie, or have brunch, or even go for a hike, or have a beer with a friend, or anything. I don't excercise - cause I'm up from 6am to 8pm either at work or with the kids, then I get to clean and spend my time crawling into bed, nervously hoping the kids don't get up. Day in. Day out. There's never a break, never a day off, never a moments rest. I'm cooking, cleaning, running errands, putting out fires, and dealing with all sorts of zero-reward crap. I feel like my life is basically an unrelenting excercise in just coping with stress. If its not one kid, its the other. The moments where something pleasant happens are gone in a microsecond; replaced by some other fucking todo. I go to work to escape my kids because I can't stand my weekends anymore. My weekend is Monday. I dread Saturday and Sunday. My wife won't hire a babysitter because she feels guilty, so I'm stuck at home every day of my life. I don't have the money for a cleaning lady or a nanny. Drop off kids, work, pick them up, deal with screaming and crying, repeat. again and again.

Life with two kids is just miserable. Maybe one day this will get easier. I hope.

Cry me a river OP, your ass should have thought about that before you had children

[Anonymous]

Tell your wife you need a "me" day. She will have to stay with the kids then.

Go do something you like, go ski, watch a movie at the theatre, eat at your favorite restaurant. Stay out the whole day.

I do that once every couple of months, I take a day off work and have a mom's day out, going to museums, catching a movie, having breakfast at my favorite place. It helps me feel like my old self and that does wonders for my stamina as a parent, to remember what it's like to be me, the person, as opposed to me the mom.