I don't enjoy being a parent. Does this ever get fun?

[Anonymous]

NP here.
Every other week date night. From what you write, your wife will resist. Time to be crystal clear about your needs and the effect the current setup has on your marriage and your well-being.
One morning or afternoon on weekend for you time. You don't have to sit alone at Starbucks. Join a meetup group. Revisit a sport or activity that you used to love. Or try a new one. You'll meet acquaintances through that, maybe make friends. You have to have a life outside of your kids to be a good parent.

[Anonymous]

Wow, OP you need to have a frank talk with your wife. The fact that she won't leave them with anyone is totally unreasonable. Especially if it sounds like her parents are in town?! I'd give almost anything to have grandparents in town to watch my kids. To put it in perspective, DH and I both work full time and we have a regular babysitter every other Saturday. I also go out to dinner with my girlfriends probably once a month, plus a monthly book club. DH has less regularly scheduled outings with friends but maybe once a month or so goes out with friends from work on his own. That is totally normal. I'd completely burn out if I did nothing for myself/with my friends. What time do the kids go to bed? Seems like one/both of you aren't abandoning the kids if they are in bed when you go out? Maybe show DW this thread so she'll understand that most other couples/individuals go out with friends? Good luck, what you're describing sounds miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here.
Every other week date night. From what you write, your wife will resist. Time to be crystal clear about your needs and the effect the current setup has on your marriage and your well-being.
One morning or afternoon on weekend for you time. You don't have to sit alone at Starbucks. Join a meetup group. Revisit a sport or activity that you used to love. Or try a new one. You'll meet acquaintances through that, maybe make friends. You have to have a life outside of your kids to be a good parent.

Ditto. OP - You seem like a Beta. Stop being a doormat/pushover. No one can abuse you without your permission.

Your wife sounds like a real bitch. Was she like this before you were married? Are you in a sexless marriage?

[Anonymous]

I agree. It sucks. It does get easier as they get older. Your wife sounds like a nightmare though, she needs to get over the babysitter reluctance thing. Do you have any family she would trust with the kids?

Maybe you should suggest a beer with some old friends or colleagues from work one evening. Leave her to deal with the kids every now and then, and offer to do the same for her. Being able to get out occasionally and let off steam is important.

[Anonymous]

What is going on with the kids that they are constantly screaming, tantrums, needing diaper changes THAT often that it becomes a chore?


Do you have any structured activities for them (maybe sign them up for a class with the county?). Can you run off some energy at an indoor play area or playground? Set up an obstacle course in the basement?

Mom to 4 under age 6 so I can commisserate on the un-thankful task of being a parent and how choatic things can get. You need a change b/c obvious, whatever you are or aren't doing, isn't working.

[Anonymous]

Just to play the devil's advocate about your wife - I have a 9 month old and haven't quite worked out how to hire a babysitter (we do have a full time nanny during the week, but hear me out). We both work during the week, so on the weekends, we like to spend time with our DD. She goes to bed at 7 PM, so we are perfectly able to go out any Friday or Saturday night we would like and leave a babysitter with the monitor without missing anytime with the baby- however, I am apparently a paranoid freak and am deathly afraid of leaving her with someone I barely know and haven't spent anytime with. . .however, I don't really want to bring in a babysitter during the weekends to train him/her because I really want to be with my daughter. Maybe your wife has an issue like mine? I need turn off the news and get off the internet because I now am afraid to hire a random babysitter off of the internet without a full background check and reference checks because of the terrible stories I see on the internet!!! Not normal, but such as it is - we have grandparents nearby and they do a lot of babysitting for us, but I really would prefer to find a regular sitter

[Anonymous]

I'm confused. What happened to all of your friends? Were you the first in your social group to have kids?

But also it's clear the stress level in your house is extremely high. Kids feed on the emotions around them so it's very likely their behavior is caused in part by this. My kids are about the same age gap apart and it's nothing like what you describe. We don't go out much either but we make time for each other after the kids are in bed, we work as a team, and we make sure we've got plans every weekend so we're not at home climbing the walls. You need to have a serious talk with your wife....

[Anonymous]

Take the older one with you skiing next Saturday at Whitetail. Put her/him in a lesson. Stop for breakfast before. Ski by yourself during their lesson. Have hot chocolate afterwards together and drive home, don't push it. Make your wife deal with the other one and focus on having a good time.

I work full time at a fairly demanding job with some travel, so I understand where your wife is coming from but she's got to realize that leaving the kids for a night is not her unilateral decision to make.

Do something fun with the older one next weekend. Let us know how it goes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you trade mornings/afternoons off for "me" time? ie, each one of you gets a 3 hour break on a saturday or a sunday. just going to starbucks to sit by yourself for a bit can be a big help.

OP here. I could try this, but honestly I don't really want to go sit by myself at Starbucks. I'd rather have lunch with my wife, or - if I had any friends left - do something with one of them. But it's an idea....worth proposing. The tough thing is my wife interprets anything "Let's leave the kids with a babysitter" (or with each other) as somehow the same as "Fuck the kids! Abandon them! Tell them you don't love them!"... So wanting a life outside diapers = You are a shitty dad/mom... Thus, any mention of such activities is met with some resistance.
Even dropping the kids off at her parents (who would LOVE it) is generally a great way to start a fight. Proposing an overnight is probably on par to suggesting we drop the kids at an orphanage in her head.

Trade off poster here again. What about signing up for a weekend morning soccer/swim/music class/nature class? Musikids comes to mind, and I think that Glen Echo has morning classes. That way one parent takes both kids (assuming the 8 month old is generally easy and will hang out in an ergo), and you trade off every other week who takes the kids. I actually love it when I am in the house by myself, as it happens so rarely, I can putz around in my pajamas, surf the web, etc. Even if you took the 3 year old by yourself to a morning soccer class, that would give you a break as you can just hang out for an hour while the kids are playing soccker and maybe even meet other parents.

[Anonymous]

Try to do date nights at home after the kids are in bed. We don't do babysitters either so we only get real dates maybe once a year when family is in town.

Too many crazies, pedos, and satan worshippers around. They present themselves very well so nope, the babysitter thing won't change for me. Maybe your wife feels the same, or maybe she has her own reasons.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like there are other things are work here and maybe you'd both benefit from therapy.

Can you try to plan a date at home with your wife for after the kids are asleep? Have some wine and play a board game? Have the grandparents come over and after the kids are asleep, you and your wife go out for dinner?

Did you have friends before you had kids? What happened to them? We get together with friends all the time without getting a sitter. Meet at a playground, the older kids run around, the babies chill in stroller and we catch up with friends. We have childless friends over all the time on weekends, it's an extra set of hands playing with the baby while we all have a beer.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like you are amplifying your problems with your attitude and some of your statements are just provocative enough that this thread is making my spider senses go off. I'll still bite, because if this is real you really sound like you need a hand.

So here goes. Kids are hard, yes. And you are at ground zero right now, from the sound of it. But you seem to have a tremendous amount of resentment built up for your wife, and your perspective sounds like something is off with you, not just your situation. I mean, two kids, and it is really "zero-reward?" That says something is seriously wrong and it cannot just be the fact that you have kids. Where are your friends? Why don't you take your children with you to lunch with friends? Why can't you invite a friend over? Yes, if your wife really won't hire a babysitter, ever (especially if competent, caring family is in town), that's an issue that you must work out with her and she has to compromise some. But you also have room to compromise here. I would not have wanted to leave an 8 month old overnight, either. That's very normal for some people, though others will feel quite differently. Both feelings are valid.

Anyway, you sound really upset, so i don't want to pile on, but yes, parenting is HARD. However, you sound like you are making it harder still with a negative attitude. I think you need to break the cycle. There are two people in your house. When you're ready to pop, say "I am going to go for a bike ride. I'll be gone for an hour." and go. Blow off steam. If you really can't work that out, then your issue is not parenting, it's yourself and possibly your relationship.

[Anonymous]

My guess is that your wife is also stressed, and feels guilty about not spending enough time with the kids, so she is getting stuck in a "what is best for the kids is being with them very minute I can phase." Plus, personally I find the whole idea of getting a sitter to be stressful. So I suggest, if you don't have one, you do the work to find a good qualified sitter, and then plan an outing.

Then, sit down with your wife and explain that you two going out without the kids is actually GOOD FOR THE KIDS. Kids can pick up on stress. Kids can tell when their parents are unhappy. Its good for them when you get a break.

Start small - with a small outing with your wife - maybe time it so the kids will only be up for an hour - so you aren't missing out much. And then work your way up.

But, you do need to talk to your wife. I know I put a lot of value on spending time with my son, but I'd want my husband to tell me if he was going nuts. Of course, I'd also appreciate it if he would help find a sitter when we do go out.

[Anonymous]

Find a babysitting service. Call them tomorrow and schedule babysitters for when you need or want them. Get a break ASAP. There is no reason for you to be a prisoner to what might not be such a hell if you could escape on occasion. Tell your wife in advance if you want, but do it. Invite her to go out with you, and if she refuses it can't be blamed on childcare- it's her issue. Let her deal with the kids if she wants; you need a break.

[Anonymous]

You sound very depressed OP, so you may want to consider professional help. If you are clinically depressed, this won't help, but if you are just having a pity party instead please try to be a little appreciative of your family. Maybe instead of focusing on what you don't have you should think long and hard about what you do have.