I don't enjoy being a parent. Does this ever get fun?

[Anonymous]

Dude you need some couples therapy. We have a great life and we have 2 kids-- ages 2 and 5. We take turns going out separately with friends, usually a couple times/month at least. We get a sitter every weekend to have time out together. We take turns sleeping in on the weekends. We go on ski trips with the kids-- the older one goes to ski school and the younger ones goes to the resort day care.

This is not impossible. Your wife needs to get over this guilt things and you need to figure out a way to be a couple and individuals, not just parents.

[Anonymous]

What about meeting up with afriend during lunch while at work? Or meet with your wife during the work week? It gets easier when the oldest is four and in preschool. It sounds like you need a serious talk with your wife. Figure out why your oldest is always upset. Is her sleep schedule ok? Drop in on them during the workweek to see that they are being treated well. My kids weren't always upset at those ages, but it was hard with the diapers and thevfeedings.

[Anonymous]

2208 here. We also take tuns sleeping in on the weekends and watch the kids wile the other goes out. These are very important.

[Anonymous]

I would also consider having another couple who has kids for brunch or meeting up somewhere. Start building some friendships. It's definitely hard to maintain friendships once you have kids.

[Anonymous]

This really makes me sad to read -sad for you and your children. I think you sound depressed more than anything. I would go to your doctor as soon as possible and ask for some help. no matter what you believe in regarding psychotropic meds; I think it is essential for you! Your kids are most likely having behavioral problems because of how tense the household is! kids behavior is a reflection of the environment. I am not trying to be snarky but just trying to advise you to get some help! Start slow by making some changes. Go for a 30 minute walk on the weekends, with no goal in mind but simply to clear your head. good luck to you and remember a happy parent results in a happy child!

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound like a major downer, and believe me, your kids will feel this too if they don't already (and they will also pick up on your negative life philosophy).

What kind of relationship did you have with your own parents?

I just don't identify at all with what you're saying, and I have 2 kids and work. I find the whole experience completely joyful. Yes, they also drive me crazy and I've wanted to scream my f'ing head off at them at various times, but that doesn't change the fact that I think having kids is pretty much the most rewarding and incredible thing anyone gets to do this in this world.

I suggest you get your head checked, your priorities checked, and your expectations about real life checked. You're a dad now, so step up. Yeah, no time for a f'ing coffee reading the NYT at Starbucks anymore.

The people saying you're a beta - yeah, you're a beta about LIFE, not about your wife. Be a real man, be a real dad, and appreciate what you have instead of wallowing in the fact that you can't ski (poor baby!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try to do date nights at home after the kids are in bed. We don't do babysitters either so we only get real dates maybe once a year when family is in town.

Too many crazies, pedos, and satan worshippers around. They present themselves very well so nope, the babysitter thing won't change for me. Maybe your wife feels the same, or maybe she has her own reasons.

Sorry, but you sound like one of the crazies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like you are amplifying your problems with your attitude and some of your statements are just provocative enough that this thread is making my spider senses go off. I'll still bite, because if this is real you really sound like you need a hand.

So here goes. Kids are hard, yes. And you are at ground zero right now, from the sound of it. But you seem to have a tremendous amount of resentment built up for your wife, and your perspective sounds like something is off with you, not just your situation. I mean, two kids, and it is really "zero-reward?" That says something is seriously wrong and it cannot just be the fact that you have kids. Where are your friends? Why don't you take your children with you to lunch with friends? Why can't you invite a friend over? Yes, if your wife really won't hire a babysitter, ever (especially if competent, caring family is in town), that's an issue that you must work out with her and she has to compromise some. But you also have room to compromise here. I would not have wanted to leave an 8 month old overnight, either. That's very normal for some people, though others will feel quite differently. Both feelings are valid.

Anyway, you sound really upset, so i don't want to pile on, but yes, parenting is HARD. However, you sound like you are making it harder still with a negative attitude. I think you need to break the cycle. There are two people in your house. When you're ready to pop, say "I am going to go for a bike ride. I'll be gone for an hour." and go. Blow off steam. If you really can't work that out, then your issue is not parenting, it's yourself and possibly your relationship.

Are you a therapist? All of this is spot on.

[Anonymous]

I know how you feel man. My wife had some childhood trauma and won't leave ours with anyone including family. It doesn't matter how much you love your kids, they are conducive to a high stress environment. You need a break, and I agree with you...going out alone SUCKS!

My wife can sit home with our baby all day and it's just fine for her. I feel like I'm losing my mind!!! She always suggests I go out and have a good time to relieve stress, but she doesn't understand that she's a part of that. The whole point of getting married was to have a companion. I don't want to go watch a movie alone all the time. I feel like a loser at a concert by myself. One or two times is fine, but for three years!?

I have one buddy that I could hang out with, but as a straight man I don't really wanna go to dinner and a movie with another guy. If I went out with one of my female friends all hell would break loose.

I don't think your attitude is the problem. I think you're just at your wit's end. I don't have a solution other than to just bite the bullet one day and have an all-out war with your wife about it. I kinda made a little progress with mine by telling her one day that she was losing my interest as a romantic partner. Telling your wife that you're starting to see her with the same affection as a coworker can go one of two ways. In my case it got me one date...then back to business as usual. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Sigh. Just realized I haven't had dinner with a friend - not that i have any left - in over 2 years. Ugh

Look, I sympathize up to a point, but you sound like a martyr. You can't have lunches with your friends during the week? Meet them for a beer on weekends after kids are asleep? Meet them as a family together? Make new friends with kids?

I have a 4 month old, moved to a new state 6 months ago, and was still able to make new friends and meet people to hang out with. You just have to make an effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try to do date nights at home after the kids are in bed. We don't do babysitters either so we only get real dates maybe once a year when family is in town.

Too many crazies, pedos, and satan worshippers around. They present themselves very well so nope, the babysitter thing won't change for me. Maybe your wife feels the same, or maybe she has her own reasons.

Sorry, but you sound like one of the crazies.

If that makes you feel better about leaving your kids with someone you know very little about then ok. Do what works for you and I will do the same.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry. I have totally been here.

As my kids get older, parenting is getting much more enjoyable. Honestly. I actually look forward to weekends now. I used to dread them. Work was like a vacation everyday, and my job is no vacation...

A big help is a weekly date night. We do this after our kids have gone to bed, so there is no guilt there. Just two hours where a high-school girl comes and does homework or watches TV at our house while we go out to a late dinner. Costs us $20 plus the cost of dinner, worth every penny. Having the kids already be in bed makes it super easy.

Antidepressants also helped me a ton. Worth talking to your doctor about. Might sound extreme, I know, but your post sound very much like I felt prior to meds (and when my kids were younger).

Hang in there. It gets easier. Truly. I never thought it would, but it does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just to play the devil's advocate about your wife - I have a 9 month old and haven't quite worked out how to hire a babysitter (we do have a full time nanny during the week, but hear me out). We both work during the week, so on the weekends, we like to spend time with our DD. She goes to bed at 7 PM, so we are perfectly able to go out any Friday or Saturday night we would like and leave a babysitter with the monitor without missing anytime with the baby- however, I am apparently a paranoid freak and am deathly afraid of leaving her with someone I barely know and haven't spent anytime with. . .however, I don't really want to bring in a babysitter during the weekends to train him/her because I really want to be with my daughter. Maybe your wife has an issue like mine? I need turn off the news and get off the internet because I now am afraid to hire a random babysitter off of the internet without a full background check and reference checks because of the terrible stories I see on the internet!!! Not normal, but such as it is - we have grandparents nearby and they do a lot of babysitting for us, but I really would prefer to find a regular sitter

I'm the above poster who does weekly date nights while kids are sleeping.

Do you know anyone who has teenagers you could use as babysitters? Chances are, if you know their parents and they know that you know their parents, they are not going to harm your child. Might they do something slightly less than perfect, sure, but the risk of them actually abusing your child is as close to nill as you are going to get if you know their family, and that's what really matters long-term with occassional babysitters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The tough thing is my wife interprets anything "Let's leave the kids with a babysitter" (or with each other) as somehow the same as "Fuck the kids! Abandon them! Tell them you don't love them!"... So wanting a life outside diapers = You are a shitty dad/mom... Thus, any mention of such activities is met with some resistance.
Even dropping the kids off at her parents (who would LOVE it) is generally a great way to start a fight. Proposing an overnight is probably on par to suggesting we drop the kids at an orphanage in her head.

Same poster from two above posts.

This is screaming "familiy counseling time!" to me, loudly. This divide is going to drive you apart over time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like you are amplifying your problems with your attitude and some of your statements are just provocative enough that this thread is making my spider senses go off. I'll still bite, because if this is real you really sound like you need a hand.

So here goes. Kids are hard, yes. And you are at ground zero right now, from the sound of it. But you seem to have a tremendous amount of resentment built up for your wife, and your perspective sounds like something is off with you, not just your situation. I mean, two kids, and it is really "zero-reward?" That says something is seriously wrong and it cannot just be the fact that you have kids. Where are your friends? Why don't you take your children with you to lunch with friends? Why can't you invite a friend over? Yes, if your wife really won't hire a babysitter, ever (especially if competent, caring family is in town), that's an issue that you must work out with her and she has to compromise some. But you also have room to compromise here. I would not have wanted to leave an 8 month old overnight, either. That's very normal for some people, though others will feel quite differently. Both feelings are valid.

Anyway, you sound really upset, so i don't want to pile on, but yes, parenting is HARD. However, you sound like you are making it harder still with a negative attitude. I think you need to break the cycle. There are two people in your house. When you're ready to pop, say "I am going to go for a bike ride. I'll be gone for an hour." and go. Blow off steam. If you really can't work that out, then your issue is not parenting, it's yourself and possibly your relationship.

Are you a therapist? All of this is spot on.

Lobbyist, actually--LOL!