Is it appropriate for a group of people to speak a foreign language in front of a non speaker?

[Anonymous]

I would venture to say that they aren't doing it intentionally to be rude, but just out of convenience. Sometimes it is easier to express certain feelings in other languages -- particularly if there is certain idioms. And then once they've started, well there it is.

The way to deal, is when you are interested, ask "what are you guys talking about?" to everyone. They'll explain and start talking where you can join.
And after a few times, they'll just do more english normally, because they'll figure you want to participate in the conversation.

Really, it can be a vicious cycle, if you just let it go... once you show you are disinterested, they have less motivation to switch to english -- because they are comfortable with the other language, and nobody who is interested needs english anyway, right?

[Anonymous]

Yes it is absolutely rude. I bet if the situation was reversed they would feel the same way you would. I am bilingual and would never speak mostly English or my native language in a conversation with people whod didn't understand.

I suggest you reiterate your dislike of being left out to your husband.

[Anonymous]

It is rude. If you have already made your unhappiness about this clear to your DH, then you should bring a book or i phone or something and ignore them while they ignore you. If they say anything, I would reply, "clearly my participation in this conversation is not necessary or welcome". Hopefully they will get the point.

[Anonymous]

OP, do tell, are you going to learn your husband's language and/or try to teach your child when older?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree it is rude, but it is soooo annoying when someone I don't even care about that much is present and I cannot speak my native tongue... I mean, DH probably cares but just follows his parents' lead.

Wow. What an attitude. This is why manners are supposed to be used when you are with strangers, too, you know.

You must be a real joy to encounter in public.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is rude. If you have already made your unhappiness about this clear to your DH, then you should bring a book or i phone or something and ignore them while they ignore you. If they say anything, I would reply, "clearly my participation in this conversation is not necessary or welcome". Hopefully they will get the point.

Really? That's what you'd say to your in-laws? That's awful. Yes, it's rude of them but that doesn't mean you have to be even ruder back. They're FAMILY.

[Anonymous]

How often are you around your ILs?

I wouldn't waste my precious time putting myself in that situation very often. DH should be working to include you in the conversation, and he's not. I would make it very clear: Either include me, or I won't be joining you next time.

DH may enjoy speaking the other language with his parents, but he should do it when he sees his parents alone. If that means you are around them less, oh well.

[Anonymous]

If her inlaws didn't speak English, it wouldn't be an option and they would have to speak in their native tongue. However, inlaws and DH are fluent in English. For whatever reason, OP does not speak their language. Therefore, they are making an intentional choice to speak in a language which all members of the dinner party do not understand when there is a language available which is shared by everyone at that table.

It may not be mean-spirited, but it is intentional.

I agree. I'm multi-lingual. I don't speak the language of my DH's family but I do understand a good bit. My DH's family are ALL fluent in English and have university degrees from the US (much like OP's ILs). DH and I actually went to counseling about this issue because it was okay for me to be deliberately excluded (yes, it was intentional) and made to feel uncomfortable but it wasn't okay for him to make them uncomfortable by bringing up their rudeness. I'd been all over the world, in countries where I didn't speak the language, yet I was never made to feel as uncomfortable as I was by DH's family. I finally told him (with the counselor in the room) that I wouldn't be going to any more of his family events. I was done. I had no interest in learning to speak the language of people who were intentionally excluding me. I didn't need his family and I have family and friends of my own that do enjoy my company.

This went on for a couple of years. When I found out I was pregnant, DH's family changed their tune. I guess they realized that if our kids were to know anything about their side of the family, their culture and their language that it would happen through me and not DH since DH is not good at maintaining ties. We've reach a level of detente and our kids are in a language immersion program learning to speak the language of DH's family and have good relations with the kids in their families. I'm cordial and civil but it was tough getting to this place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and his parents do the same. He has family members who barely speak English. It doesn't bother me at all. I'm sure it would seem strange to them to speak in English to each other. If you and your parents all knew French as a second language wouldn't you still speak English? It is what you are comfortable with.

DH translates all the time though. (FWIW, it is boring conversation anyway!)

Haha, so true! My in-laws and DH always speak in their native language when we are out to dinner and while it used to really bother me, now I am grateful not to participate in there asinine conversations.

[Anonymous]

* their.

Also, I am not bitter, I really like my in-laws, but once my DH translated the conversations, I was like "wtf, how lame!"

[Anonymous]

When my extended family is around, we tend to speak our native language. My DH is American, over the years he has become more knowledgeable of our language. Yes, it's boring for him to sit there and listen or participate in our conversations. He took some courses to expand his foreign language skills. I speak to my kids in my language and they understand it. On Sundays we try to have conversations in my language so that everyone can get better with the language.