Is it appropriate for a group of people to speak a foreign language in front of a non speaker?
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Anonymous
| My dh constantly speaks a different language in front of me when my in laws are around. DH was born in the US and his parents were born in their home country but have lived here for the last 35-40 years. Both speak English fluently and have undergrad and grad degrees from US universities. Is it so much to ask that they speak English in my presence, like when we are all at a restaurant together? I literally sit at the table most of the time having NO idea what is being said and it just seems to be the epitome of rudeness to me. We have a baby who may or may not speak this other language one day, and I'm also worried about the precedent this sets for her about appropriate behavior, kindness, etc. For what it's worth, my dh has admitted that he thinks it's rude too in the past, but apparently that was not enough to get him to stop doing it, and now he is just tellig me to get over it. |
Anonymous
Yeah, it kind of is too much to ask, mostly because you really can't enforce it without seeming like a real jerk. The person you should be asking is your husband, but even if he speaks to them in English, they'll probably respond in their own language. It is rude, but it's a losing battle, unfortunately. It's just their second nature. Hopefully these restaurant gatherings are not too frequent. |
Anonymous
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I find this extremely rude. And i came here 6 years ago, from a non-English speaking country. My rule of thumb is, of there is ANYONE that doesn't speak my language, I won't speak it, period.
If they are all capable of speaking and u dee standing English, there is no reason for them to all be speaking the other language and singling you out. Just rude. |
Anonymous
| I guess the only way to combat this is to learn their language. That's what I did. If you can beat 'em, join 'em. Because you know they're not going to stop. Also, if your child learns this language someday, you'll probably want to be a part of it too. |
Anonymous
| 15:01 here: forgot to mention that I absolutely think its your DH's job to put a stop to it. Talk to him calmly and gently explain that you wish you could be a part of the conversation and that's not possible because of the language barrier. Say you wish he could make a point of speaking English with them so you can be included. |
Anonymous
I agree with you. I am also from another country and will not speak my language unless everyone understands if we are in a group. It's so rude to do this. Talk about making someone feel left out. |
Anonymous
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DH and his parents do the same. He has family members who barely speak English. It doesn't bother me at all. I'm sure it would seem strange to them to speak in English to each other. If you and your parents all knew French as a second language wouldn't you still speak English? It is what you are comfortable with.
DH translates all the time though. (FWIW, it is boring conversation anyway!) |
Anonymous
| OP here: I'm not talking about barely speak English. These people speak plenty of English- like I said they both have graduate degrees from US schools! Trust me, ability to speak English is not the issue. Is it more comfortable to speak their native language? Sure. |
Anonymous
| Yes it is rude. I have this problem at work also. I just leave the situation. Some day they may realize that they are being rude but I highly doubt it. I am so sorry you are facing this in your own home, I don't think I could handle that! |
Anonymous
| Of course it's rude. I am a bitch, so if they started doing this around me I would whip out a book, right there in the restaurant, and begin reading. If asked what I was doing, I'd say "I am doing what I would do if I went to a restaurant alone, which I basically am since I'm being excluded." |
Anonymous
| Of course it's not that they can't speak English. It's just that you naturally speak to people who also speak your native language in that language. It sucks, but that's just the way it is in a lot of families (mine included). |
Anonymous
| 15:27 said what I was going to say: bring a book, OP, when you go out to dinner! They may get a lot of pleasure or something emotionally-complicated from being able to talk to each other in their language (maybe it's a way of feeling connected to that part of their identity). That said, I don't speak my husband's language and sometimes think it's kind of rude when the in-laws are all talking in that language, but nobody is stopping me from learning it. I just tune out or look at a magazine or my phone or whatever. |
Anonymous
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I think it's incredibly rude, OP. But I also think it's a bone to pick with your husband and that he needs to enforce the English-only policy when you get together with his parents. They're being exclusionary. Either they want to include you or they don't. If they don't, you stay home - or go out for some "me" time - and your husband and in-laws can go out to dinner.
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Anonymous
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Yes, very rude. Admittedly I am monolingual (wish I wasn't, but I am), but I think that making your fellow dinner guests feel comfortable and welcome is common courtesy no matter the issue at hand. FWIW I equate this to work colleagues talking nothing but shop if there are folks outside that realm at the table. It is simply rude to exclude anyone from the conversation.
Now, if they're sitting around your living room just chatting while playing with the grandchild, no problem - I totally get that it's easy and familiar, comfortable, etc. And you'd be free to leave the room / do other things. But out to dinner it is rude. |
Anonymous
| Your husband and his parents are being very rude. |