Is it appropriate for a group of people to speak a foreign language in front of a non speaker?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course it's rude. I am a bitch, so if they started doing this around me I would whip out a book, right there in the restaurant, and begin reading. If asked what I was doing, I'd say "I am doing what I would do if I went to a restaurant alone, which I basically am since I'm being excluded."

I like this, but I wouldn't do that before talking to your DH about how this excludes you. Clearly this group is capable of moving the conversation into a common tongue.

That said, you really should learn to be at least somewhat conversant in your spouses native tongue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cannot imagine DH talking in English to his family for my benefit instead of the German they have spoken for 40 years.

I took four years of German lessons to be able to participate in conversations. I know enough know to carry a conversation in German with my in laws and to understand what DH tells our kids in German. I, on the other hand, am free to talk in Spanish with my family and friends without him getting offended, he also knows enough Spanish to get by. We are very understanding of each other's needs to use our native language with our loved ones.

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They miss speaking in their native tongue. Cut them some slack. You sound like a bitch.

In the situation OP describes, I strongly disagree. It's not like they are all watching tv or she's passing through the living room while they chat. They are sitting around a table in a restaurant and she is essentially being deliberately excluded from the conversation.

At a minimum, in situations like this, ask DH to speak in English even if his parents choose to speak their native language. DH's first wife is not American and English is not her first language. When they need to communicate about my stepchild, she speaks her native language and DH speaks English, even though they are each fluent in each other's language.

[Anonymous]

I disagree that the OP is being 'deliberately' excluded from the conversation. Is it rude? Yes. Is it intentional? I doubt it. It's just the natural way the family communicates.

[Anonymous]

If her inlaws didn't speak English, it wouldn't be an option and they would have to speak in their native tongue. However, inlaws and DH are fluent in English. For whatever reason, OP does not speak their language. Therefore, they are making an intentional choice to speak in a language which all members of the dinner party do not understand when there is a language available which is shared by everyone at that table.

It may not be mean-spirited, but it is intentional.

[Anonymous]

I noticed that most foreign born people on this thread are sympathetic towards OP, and try not to exclude anybody. Maybe they know how it is like to try to fit in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess the only way to combat this is to learn their language. That's what I did. If you can beat 'em, join 'em. Because you know they're not going to stop. Also, if your child learns this language someday, you'll probably want to be a part of it too.

+1
OP, you don't sound newly married - are you not interested in learning his language at all?
This doesn't sound like an issue that came up overnight. If I had married someone as attached to their culture and language as your DH clearly is, I would've, without a doubt, learned to converse in his language by now.

[Anonymous]

I agree it is rude, but it is soooo annoying when someone I don't even care about that much is present and I cannot speak my native tongue... I mean, DH probably cares but just follows his parents' lead.

[Anonymous]

I'm in this situation as well, although since DH's family's language is Spanish, it's not entirely "foreign," and I do understand a great deal of it. They speak Spanish around me pretty much at all times, but when we are out (and we do actually go out to eat together often) they will switch to English if they are specifically addressing me, or if it looks like I don't quite get what they're saying. But in the situation OP is talking about--being at a restaurant with DH and his parents--I think it is rude of them. It is perhaps more inconsiderate of her DH, however, not to ask his parents to speak English or to at least translate for her. She's at a table with three people and has no idea what anyone is saying. That does not sound enjoyable, and the other people excluding her know it.

In most other situations, I think everyone should speak the language in which they feel most comfortable, but I think this situation is different.

[Anonymous]

My DH comes from a northern European country where pretty much everyone over the age of 10 speaks English, except his father who learned late in life that he was dyslexic. When we are visiting his family and old friends in his home country or a 3rd country, they all speak their language. I don't speak a lick.

My DH used to get frustrated that I didn't participate in conversation or was more interactive with his family. In frustration, I told him then I would need simultaneous translation! I used to zone out sitting in the middle of a flurry of conversation. Now, I play Angry Birds on my iphone.

[Anonymous]

I am from non-english speaking country. Sometimes it happens that I will speak other language to a friend who's over for a visit and we're just sitting around chatting and my husband is around doing something on his own. The moment we notice that he shifts his attention to us, we switch to English. I translate to him in brief what we were talking about.

My advice to OP is to interrupt the conversation and ask them to translate. Sit next to your husband and have him translate to you everything other people say. They'll soon get tired of this and switch to English for simplicity. And yes, it is incredibly rude to not include you in conversations.

[Anonymous]

Profoundly rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am from non-english speaking country. Sometimes it happens that I will speak other language to a friend who's over for a visit and we're just sitting around chatting and my husband is around doing something on his own. The moment we notice that he shifts his attention to us, we switch to English. I translate to him in brief what we were talking about.

My advice to OP is to interrupt the conversation and ask them to translate. Sit next to your husband and have him translate to you everything other people say. They'll soon get tired of this and switch to English for simplicity. And yes, it is incredibly rude to not include you in conversations.

I agree with this. That's what happens in our family. When my mom visits we speak our native language. As soon as my husband walks into the room we switch to English. My extended family though (all educated with graduate degrees) continue to speak the native language - it upsets me to Nth degree. It seems like they're going out of their way to exclude my husband.

Sometimes when my sister continues to speak my language to me, I answer her in English and translate for my husband and she gets the point. It is very rude to not include you in the conversations. Sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

PP here: ....my husband bought Rosetta Stone and understands the basic. It's still hard to understand a normal flow of a conversation.

[Anonymous]

Op, just learn to speak your mans language