How did divorce/affairs etc. work out for you or people you know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My impression of my friend's inlaws: the FIL who had an affair and married the woman seems very happy, she's happy, etc. They've been married 9 years.

The MIL who got dumped still seems unhappy.

This is the usual pattern, in my experience. Sometimes the "MIL" moves on, after a while, but still seems bitter. I wonder if this is going to change with the current generation at all. It seems that even in the generation that is now in its 60's, there were still a lot of wives who had their whole identity wrapped up in being "Mrs. Whoever." I know a couple who seem to have been completely unhinged by the divorce, and so far, can't seem to get it back together.

I'm in my late 40s, wealthy neighborhood. A huge number of moms haven't worked since 30 and are completely tied up in being "Mrs". I don't think there HS some huge pendulum swing about to happen.

[Anonymous]

My mom has been happily married to my Dad for 40 years. She is divorced from her first husband after marrying way too young and having a child with him. She has no regrets about the divorce and it definitely worked out for the best (he cheated with one of her close friends). But the divorce is the single most difficult thing she ever went through, even after all this time and all of life's normal losses and hardships. Divorcing with a small child and no money brought her close to the breaking point, and I know her to be extremely strong, balanced, and mentally healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well I cant say exactly how thing end up cause I married my 1st girlfriend my divorce from an abusive woman who made our lives hell ( Used my oldest daughter). In the mean time we've had two other girls and now we are on the rocks. Shes accusing me of cheating and with no proof just a feeling. I've attemoted to show her everything google locate, credit card statements, bank statements, emails, phone, etc. and shes not having it. I dont know if this is her midlife crisis or what It sucks though cause I love her dearly and never saw myself with another woman the way I do with her.

Could be she is cheating on you. Happened to me. I would look into it

[Anonymous]

I divorced at 52, and am the better for it. I could not see spending the rest of my life trying to make a sorry marriage better, or staying married for "social" reasons. I ended it so have always been seen as the "bad guy" by my kids and my previous social set, but it was the most liberating thing I could have done! There was a sizable discrepancy in income that made the decision easier too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My bank account took a hit, and I only see DD on weekends (ex was basically a SAHM and I agreed that the stability of staying in the house was best for DD), but it's worth it to be away from my ex's severe mental illness.

And I am having regular sex with a woman who is 10 years younger, 25 pounds lighter, and is just nice to me, which doesn't hurt the situation.

It is "best" for the kid to be in the primary custody of someone with a severe mental illness? That makes no sense at all.

[Anonymous]

I married at 30ish. Divorced about 7 years later. We have one child. The proximate cause of the divorce was his affair (but there were other issues, too).

He is still with his affair partner some 10+ years later. He never married her. She wanted a child and they never had one. (I think this was mostly ex-H saying "no".) They don't seem very happy. He checks up on her fairly regularly-- he seems to think she could be cheating. He developed an addiction to pain pills. The child I have with him basically hates him. (Years ago he was ready to ditch her if I would give him another chance. I passed. I wouldn't be surprised if he cheated on her and in his mind would justify it: "GF knew I was a cheater when she cheated with me on my now ex-W.")

Me? I am doing fine. Our kid (I have sole custody) is happy, healthy and successful. I have had relationships but have not found someone I would remarry. At 50+, I suspect I will not remarry but who knows? I am financially secure and pretty happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I divorced at 52, and am the better for it. I could not see spending the rest of my life trying to make a sorry marriage better, or staying married for "social" reasons. I ended it so have always been seen as the "bad guy" by my kids and my previous social set, but it was the most liberating thing I could have done! There was a sizable discrepancy in income that made the decision easier too.

Are you my XDH? You're "liberated" from your kids and your Ex, your kids and former friends think you're a jerk for reasons you're not disclosing here, and apparently you aren't paying your XDW a lot of child support so you get to keep more of your income for you to spend on yourseld, like new cars and wining and dining new women. (Well in my case we had similar earnings but his happy increase in income was the result of refusing to pay child support until I filed, even though teen DC chose to stay with me 100% of the time.) You sound like a real prize, I hope I don't bump into you on some online dating site (even my XDH tells people I'm "hot", but don't even try).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's like a huge load is off, and I'm so much happier. I wouldn't have been able to stay with him if not for the kids, and we probably would have divorced after both were in college anyway.


FWIW, the separation and soon-to-be finalized divorce were DH's idea--after 20 years DH decided he wanted to ditch the mortgage, date other women (no AP, just OKCupid), use his cash for a sports car instead of the kids' college tuition, and generally just be a bachelor again. I begged him to wait one year until our last child went to college, bukt he's always been selfish and self-centered and this decision was no different. While I was sorry for our son (who was given a choice and chose to live with me for 90% of the past year before starting college last week), I have to say it's secretly a huge relief not to be dealing with DH's all-round personality problems. DH has ADD combined with laziness and a sense of entitlement the size of a house. While I think two mature people could have held it together for just one more year, for DS' sake and to give DSa stable final year in high school, that's not DH's MO.

Secretly, although I don't tell the kids, the separation and soon-to-be-finalized divorce are a huge relief.

I'm sure they are but it is still sad in a way when things end.

I wrote the top post a while back. It is sad, in a way. I think what I was mourning, though, was the end of the "ideal"'of marriage, not being able to live up to my own vows to try hard to work things out (he left), and disillusionment with the guy I thought I married 20 years ago. These ideals and the reality weren't matching up, however. When I focus on reality, it's much better. I tried therapy because I thought I should, and the therapist said I was her most well-adjusted client, so I stopped after a few months.

[Anonymous]

Everyone I know who married a former affair partner has problems with jealously and suspicion of cheating.

My first husband and I divorced after four years of marriage, one child. My standard of living took a big hit but I was so glad to be free of him. I've now been married to the same man for 30 years. His standard of living was greatly improved by our marriage but he generally doesn't hold up his end of the bargain. I stay married because getting divorced would upset my social life and standard of living. I'm not impressed with the state of 50 plus women who've divorced. Their exes almost always remarry a younger woman while the wives are left single, hanging out with other divorced women or desperate, dating men of lower social standing. The men often dump them after meeting someone younger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My bank account took a hit, and I only see DD on weekends (ex was basically a SAHM and I agreed that the stability of staying in the house was best for DD), but it's worth it to be away from my ex's severe mental illness.

And I am having regular sex with a woman who is 10 years younger, 25 pounds lighter, and is just nice to me, which doesn't hurt the situation.

You left your daughter to deal with her mentally ill mother alone.

Classic man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My impression of my friend's inlaws: the FIL who had an affair and married the woman seems very happy, she's happy, etc. They've been married 9 years.

The MIL who got dumped still seems unhappy.

This is the usual pattern, in my experience. Sometimes the "MIL" moves on, after a while, but still seems bitter. I wonder if this is going to change with the current generation at all. It seems that even in the generation that is now in its 60's, there were still a lot of wives who had their whole identity wrapped up in being "Mrs. Whoever." I know a couple who seem to have been completely unhinged by the divorce, and so far, can't seem to get it back together.

This is what I've observed. I know several older women who were consumed by bitterness -- "unhinged" is a good word to describe it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Getting divorced was the best thing I've ever done. It brought me a new life and lots of happiness.

People say it's difficult, and parts of it are indeed difficult. But if you're in a bad marriage, the most difficult thing is the year BEFORE the divorce. Once the decision to divorce is made, things usually get better. And better.

I agree with this. My affair partner and I are now married, and are very happy.
I didn't regret my divorce for a second.

Did you have kids with your ex? Did your affair partner? How long have you guys been together?

Just curious - I have never known anyone who had an affair who stayed together. First H had an affair but it was clearly with someone he wasn't intending to marry (we did divorce, but not really because of that). Ultimately first h was not the marrying type and never remarried. I was though and did. I don't know that we are "very happy" but I'll settle for mildly happy. First divorce taught me to have other outlets aside from marriage to fulfill needs. DH is much happier I don't expect him to be my everything.

I do. The parents are happy. The kids are so messed up. It is really sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My bank account took a hit, and I only see DD on weekends (ex was basically a SAHM and I agreed that the stability of staying in the house was best for DD), but it's worth it to be away from my ex's severe mental illness.

And I am having regular sex with a woman who is 10 years younger, 25 pounds lighter, and is just nice to me, which doesn't hurt the situation.

You left your daughter to deal with her mentally ill mother alone.

Classic man.

Why are men so awful? I swear. They cause 99% of the world's problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm closer to 50. I have had an affair with my "love of my life" from age 21 for the past 7 years. He left his wife and kids for me. I came down with cancer and stayed with my husband for health care reasons. I have 4 children. I am now a month away from getting divorced and my affair partner for 7 years just broke it off with me. I am in the process of selling my house, uprooting my children, I carry the letter "A" around my neck (figuratively) in this neighborhood, for what? My affair partner told me that his kids would not accept me (he disclosed me to his wife-who in turn told the kids) and he needed to choose them over me.

I still have a couple of years of cancer treatment to go through, I will have no house soon and have 4 kids. He said he needed them to feel as if they were a priority.

I still love him. I can't go back to my husband-we have both moved on emotionally-Any suggestions? Has anyone had to deal with this? I am broken hearted

Buck up. I'm sorry about your health issues, I'm sorry about your AP breaking it off with you. I am divorced and I love my second partner, however I do regret my second family and blending the kids. Knowing what I know now, I would never do it again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone I know who married a former affair partner has problems with jealously and suspicion of cheating.

My first husband and I divorced after four years of marriage, one child. My standard of living took a big hit but I was so glad to be free of him. I've now been married to the same man for 30 years. His standard of living was greatly improved by our marriage but he generally doesn't hold up his end of the bargain. I stay married because getting divorced would upset my social life and standard of living. I'm not impressed with the state of 50 plus women who've divorced. Their exes almost always remarry a younger woman while the wives are left single, hanging out with other divorced women or desperate, dating men of lower social standing. The men often dump them after meeting someone younger.

I do know of people who married their AP and are happy. Or, at least still together. Not that I know of people who divorced to marry an AP. And both are still with said ex-ap.

I personally ... if I got together for real with my AP would have to do counseling first. I mean, how COULD he trust me (and vice versa) to only want to be with him? Actually, he might be easier as he seems to be only capable of having sex with one woman at a time, so if he stopped having sex with me I'd know. But would he be suspicious of me all the time? very possibly.