How does your spouse go to couples counseling when he works 70 hours per week?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He needs to prioritize. We do weekend counseling, but it's more because we work in different areas and my job (I don't work intense or long hours, I just can't commit to leaving early every week so weekends are just less stressful).

Honestly, he needs to carve out the time. Divorce is incredibly time consuming too, it's pay now or pay later.

+1

If he had cancer, he would find time to have it treated. The marriage has cancer. Get it treated.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't stay married to someone who lived at work. That is a robot, not a partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't stay married to someone who lived at work. That is a robot, not a partner.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you would put as many hours into your marriage as you do your job you would be better off. I never get it, why people work so much and let the important things in life crumble.

When was the last time you heard the dying guy say, I wish I had worked more??????????????

I haven't ever talked to anyone on their death bed, but I have heard many people, young and old, speak of their regret in not living up to their potential. The best way I know to do that is to work hard and achieve. I absolutely make time for my husband and kids (i'm the 70-hour a week PP who went to counseling in the mornings with my husband), but my career is important to me. And it's important for my kids to see professional achievement by their MOM. Times have changed, but the glass ceiling hasn't crumbled yet.

I have never met a kid who said "thanks mom for working those 70 hour weeks. It made you a great example for me". I have heard LOTS of kids say "my parents weren't around for me". If you want to work, fine. If you need to work, fine. But don't pretend that you worki a 70 hour job for the sake of setting a good example for your children.

I don't understand why you are all attacking this women. To each their own choice. Remember: is the kid loved? is the kid abused? if the answer is yes and no, keep the judgment for yourself

[Anonymous]

I agree 70 hours a week is insane. When you are spending more time at work than with your family it's very easy to become disconnected.

As far as timing we did counseling in the evenings. We had a hard time finding a weekend counselor. He is just going to have to make time, that's what we had to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I don't understand why you are all attacking this women. To each their own choice. Remember: is the kid loved? is the kid abused? if the answer is yes and no, keep the judgment for yourself

That is just your opinion.

My opinion is if you are spending 70 hours at work each week, that is a form of abuse to your child. When you have children, your career should come 2nd....or 3rd. Not 1st.

My daughter comes 1st always. If my job wanted me here for 50-70 hours a week, I'd find a new job FAST. There are enough jobs out here that will allow you to work 40 hours and still advance. The rest is just BS excuses for workaholics trying to justify how their priorities never change when they have a family.

A lot of parents (who actually were there for their kids and not at work) will tell you that children only grow up once. You don't want to look back when they are graduating college and think, damn.....I didn't see this kid truly grow up. I just went to work, made money, and came home when they were asleep.

My father was home by 5 most nights. He raised two kids on his own. He could have easily worked later, advanced more, and maybe made more money while paying the nanny to stay later. But family was important to him. So he invested wisely, worked hard, was a terrific father who was there for us, and was still able to retire comfortably.

Watching my father "work hard" is not what I look back and see. I see the father that loved us, spent time with us, took us to soccer, coached teams, etc. Those were the lessons that stuck with us and made us who we are today. Not that he "worked hard at work".

[Anonymous]

Use the money you would on counseling to take a very nice vacation.

If you have kids, don't take them. And on vacation don't talk about "problems"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I don't understand why you are all attacking this women. To each their own choice. Remember: is the kid loved? is the kid abused? if the answer is yes and no, keep the judgment for yourself

That is just your opinion.

My opinion is if you are spending 70 hours at work each week, that is a form of abuse to your child. When you have children, your career should come 2nd....or 3rd. Not 1st.

My daughter comes 1st always. If my job wanted me here for 50-70 hours a week, I'd find a new job FAST. There are enough jobs out here that will allow you to work 40 hours and still advance. The rest is just BS excuses for workaholics trying to justify how their priorities never change when they have a family.

A lot of parents (who actually were there for their kids and not at work) will tell you that children only grow up once. You don't want to look back when they are graduating college and think, damn.....I didn't see this kid truly grow up. I just went to work, made money, and came home when they were asleep.

My father was home by 5 most nights. He raised two kids on his own. He could have easily worked later, advanced more, and maybe made more money while paying the nanny to stay later. But family was important to him. So he invested wisely, worked hard, was a terrific father who was there for us, and was still able to retire comfortably.

Watching my father "work hard" is not what I look back and see. I see the father that loved us, spent time with us, took us to soccer, coached teams, etc. Those were the lessons that stuck with us and made us who we are today. Not that he "worked hard at work".

This doesn't work anymore.

Most middle age workers in my company got fired over last 5 years, and replaced with contracting firms, temp help, and guest workers. We are on call 24 by 7, and have no job security. Work force is changing over to a temp based work force and that means you work whenever someone wants you to work or you get replaced.

Tell me what industry will hire 40 year olds and 50 year olds, does NOT happen where I work. InfoSys, Tata, Cognizant and Accenture will never hire older workers.

Its totally up to you, and how you want to be treated. Its these desi companies, that sue you when you ditch them for a better rate. Well, I dont blame them too. Most desis have the mentality and screw and run, and we will do anything to get few extra dollars. So, I dont blame these desi companies being extra cautious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I don't understand why you are all attacking this women. To each their own choice. Remember: is the kid loved? is the kid abused? if the answer is yes and no, keep the judgment for yourself

That is just your opinion.

My opinion is if you are spending 70 hours at work each week, that is a form of abuse to your child. When you have children, your career should come 2nd....or 3rd. Not 1st.

My daughter comes 1st always. If my job wanted me here for 50-70 hours a week, I'd find a new job FAST. There are enough jobs out here that will allow you to work 40 hours and still advance. The rest is just BS excuses for workaholics trying to justify how their priorities never change when they have a family.

A lot of parents (who actually were there for their kids and not at work) will tell you that children only grow up once. You don't want to look back when they are graduating college and think, damn.....I didn't see this kid truly grow up. I just went to work, made money, and came home when they were asleep.

My father was home by 5 most nights. He raised two kids on his own. He could have easily worked later, advanced more, and maybe made more money while paying the nanny to stay later. But family was important to him. So he invested wisely, worked hard, was a terrific father who was there for us, and was still able to retire comfortably.

Watching my father "work hard" is not what I look back and see. I see the father that loved us, spent time with us, took us to soccer, coached teams, etc. Those were the lessons that stuck with us and made us who we are today. Not that he "worked hard at work".

This doesn't work anymore.

Most middle age workers in my company got fired over last 5 years, and replaced with contracting firms, temp help, and guest workers. We are on call 24 by 7, and have no job security. Work force is changing over to a temp based work force and that means you work whenever someone wants you to work or you get replaced.

Tell me what industry will hire 40 year olds and 50 year olds, does NOT happen where I work. InfoSys, Tata, Cognizant and Accenture will never hire older workers.

Its totally up to you, and how you want to be treated. Its these desi companies, that sue you when you ditch them for a better rate. Well, I dont blame them too. Most desis have the mentality and screw and run, and we will do anything to get few extra dollars. So, I dont blame these desi companies being extra cautious.

+1

[Anonymous]

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did a 7:30 pm appointment with my DH years ago, before we had kids. I was the person with long hours (associate at a big law firm) and even getting to that 7:30 appointment was hard because I used to leave the office no earlier than 8:30 or 9 at night. But it was very much worth it and really helped.

I don't know how many hours I worked back then, just how many I billed because that was all that mattered. I usually was in the office by 8:30 and, as I mentioned, out by 8:30/9:00 if there was not an emergency. I also worked around five hours/day each weekend day. I couldn't bill it all (pro bono work, admin stuff, professional and client development, etc.), but I know I was billing around 2500 hours/year. Some months when I was going to trial I basically never left the office except to get a change of clothes and maybe a couple of hours of sleep.

So you can go to counseling if you work that much, but it's not easy. Honestly, being in a relationship at all is not that easy when you work that much. I have since left the firm and feel so much more connected to everything - DH and the children I had since leaving the firm.

Good luck!

This is my worst nightmare. So you your kids maybe an hour on weekdays and half days on weekends ?
And to quote you "it was all very much worth it "

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did a 7:30 pm appointment with my DH years ago, before we had kids. I was the person with long hours (associate at a big law firm) and even getting to that 7:30 appointment was hard because I used to leave the office no earlier than 8:30 or 9 at night. But it was very much worth it and really helped.

I don't know how many hours I worked back then, just how many I billed because that was all that mattered. I usually was in the office by 8:30 and, as I mentioned, out by 8:30/9:00 if there was not an emergency. I also worked around five hours/day each weekend day. I couldn't bill it all (pro bono work, admin stuff, professional and client development, etc.), but I know I was billing around 2500 hours/year. Some months when I was going to trial I basically never left the office except to get a change of clothes and maybe a couple of hours of sleep.

So you can go to counseling if you work that much, but it's not easy. Honestly, being in a relationship at all is not that easy when you work that much. I have since left the firm and feel so much more connected to everything - DH and the children I had since leaving the firm.

Good luck!

This is my worst nightmare. So you your kids maybe an hour on weekdays and half days on weekends ?
And to quote you "it was all very much worth it "

Reading comprehension FAIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did a 7:30 pm appointment with my DH years ago, before we had kids. I was the person with long hours (associate at a big law firm) and even getting to that 7:30 appointment was hard because I used to leave the office no earlier than 8:30 or 9 at night. But it was very much worth it and really helped.

I don't know how many hours I worked back then, just how many I billed because that was all that mattered. I usually was in the office by 8:30 and, as I mentioned, out by 8:30/9:00 if there was not an emergency. I also worked around five hours/day each weekend day. I couldn't bill it all (pro bono work, admin stuff, professional and client development, etc.), but I know I was billing around 2500 hours/year. Some months when I was going to trial I basically never left the office except to get a change of clothes and maybe a couple of hours of sleep.

So you can go to counseling if you work that much, but it's not easy. Honestly, being in a relationship at all is not that easy when you work that much. I have since left the firm and feel so much more connected to everything - DH and the children I had since leaving the firm.

Good luck!

This is my worst nightmare. So you your kids maybe an hour on weekdays and half days on weekends ?
And to quote you "it was all very much worth it "

You misunderstood - the counseling was worth it. And I didn't have kids when I was at the firm, I had them after I left for a job with normal 9-5 hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did a 7:30 pm appointment with my DH years ago, before we had kids. I was the person with long hours (associate at a big law firm) and even getting to that 7:30 appointment was hard because I used to leave the office no earlier than 8:30 or 9 at night. But it was very much worth it and really helped.

I don't know how many hours I worked back then, just how many I billed because that was all that mattered. I usually was in the office by 8:30 and, as I mentioned, out by 8:30/9:00 if there was not an emergency. I also worked around five hours/day each weekend day. I couldn't bill it all (pro bono work, admin stuff, professional and client development, etc.), but I know I was billing around 2500 hours/year. Some months when I was going to trial I basically never left the office except to get a change of clothes and maybe a couple of hours of sleep.

So you can go to counseling if you work that much, but it's not easy. Honestly, being in a relationship at all is not that easy when you work that much. I have since left the firm and feel so much more connected to everything - DH and the children I had since leaving the firm.

Good luck!

This is my worst nightmare. So you your kids maybe an hour on weekdays and half days on weekends ?
And to quote you "it was all very much worth it "

You misunderstood - the counseling was worth it. And I didn't have kids when I was at the firm, I had them after I left for a job with normal 9-5 hours.

+1

[Anonymous]

The husband needs to set the right priorities. At 70 hours a week, the priority is not the family.