How does your spouse go to couples counseling when he works 70 hours per week?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Off topic - to the PP who is a mom working 60-70 hours a week: Kudos to you! It's admirable to see someone work so hard at something they love and I agree, there are lots of reasons that sets a good example. I'm so tired of the couple extremely judgmental posters on this board who never miss an opportunity to tell parents that they are "sad" , their lives are "sad" and their kids must be miserable because they have a parent (or two) who finds their work fulfilling and/or work in a field that doesn't offer a 9-5 M-F schedule. Doctors, lawyers, military members, government officials, police officers, truck drivers, college professors, business owners and so many more aren't entitled to have children according to their narrowly held beliefs on how available everyone else should be to their kids.

Signed, a 15 year SAHM who is job hunting

NP here. No, I don't say kudos to anyone working 70 hours a week -- especially the ones who see it as "proving" something or being a model to their kids. Why? Because they then set the standard as working those horribly unreasonable hours. What do you think has happened in this country? We work more hours than people in other first world countries and we aren't as happy.

It's because of this martyrdom about working long hours. Doctors, lawyers, et cetera, in other countries don't necessarily keep the same hours. It becomes a "this is what I have to do to compete." And then everyone has to do it in order to find success. And we all suffer.

A person -- man or woman -- should be able to have a successful career and model being a good professional to their kids without working 70 hours a week. But it has become ingrained in our thinking that this is what you have to do .

And beyond that, we are now overscheduling kids -- activities, homework. They have no free time or down time. No wonder no one has time to work out.

The best example to model to children is a well-rounded, balanced and full life. And I don't think working 70 hours a week, every week, is a good example of that. It's one thing if it is every now and again. But every week. It seems ridiculous to me. And it does affect other people, because it then sets the norm. "Well, Larla works 70 hours a week and has a family, so you should be able to, too." It's absurd.

I hate what has happened to our society.

And furthermore, I hate the suggestion that you either work 70 hours a week or you are a failure as a career woman, might as well just quit working at all. (I don't think men should be working 70 hours a week either.)

10:03 here - I agree that working so much is not good for people or society. Where is the time to participate in the community and just enjoy life? Unless you are lucky and have a job that is your calling and is not really work to you, the crazy demands of working so much just aren't healthy. I feel like my years at the law firm are kind of lost years that passed me by and that is not good. When you work that much, you lose touch with friends and family and, for me, it was very lonely. Totally off topic I know!

[Anonymous]

Working 70 hours a week is an addiction. I'm a FT worker, but no way would I have started a family if either of us was working 70hrs a week.

Something tells me the 70hr people are not exactly blue collar people simply trying to survive. These are educated highly paid professionals who have chosen to start a family that take a backseat to their profession. Sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you would put as many hours into your marriage as you do your job you would be better off. I never get it, why people work so much and let the important things in life crumble.

When was the last time you heard the dying guy say, I wish I had worked more??????????????

I haven't ever talked to anyone on their death bed, but I have heard many people, young and old, speak of their regret in not living up to their potential. The best way I know to do that is to work hard and achieve. I absolutely make time for my husband and kids (i'm the 70-hour a week PP who went to counseling in the mornings with my husband), but my career is important to me. And it's important for my kids to see professional achievement by their MOM. Times have changed, but the glass ceiling hasn't crumbled yet.

I have never met a kid who said "thanks mom for working those 70 hour weeks. It made you a great example for me". I have heard LOTS of kids say "my parents weren't around for me". If you want to work, fine. If you need to work, fine. But don't pretend that you worki a 70 hour job for the sake of setting a good example for your children.

But their kids sure loved living in a nice neighborhood and having the money for family vacations. Or would they have rather lived in a beat up area with crappy schools?

Those are bizarre-o choices. My kids live in a nice, small house in a great neighborhood. We travel every year. I work 40 hours a week and DH works about 45. No one, or at least no one reasonable, is arguing that parents shouldn't work, or even that they shouldn't work full-time. I think it is fair to imagine my life plus 30 MORE hours each week working and see that it would be really hard on me and my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you would put as many hours into your marriage as you do your job you would be better off. I never get it, why people work so much and let the important things in life crumble.

When was the last time you heard the dying guy say, I wish I had worked more??????????????

I haven't ever talked to anyone on their death bed, but I have heard many people, young and old, speak of their regret in not living up to their potential. The best way I know to do that is to work hard and achieve. I absolutely make time for my husband and kids (i'm the 70-hour a week PP who went to counseling in the mornings with my husband), but my career is important to me. And it's important for my kids to see professional achievement by their MOM. Times have changed, but the glass ceiling hasn't crumbled yet.

I have never met a kid who said "thanks mom for working those 70 hour weeks. It made you a great example for me". I have heard LOTS of kids say "my parents weren't around for me". If you want to work, fine. If you need to work, fine. But don't pretend that you worki a 70 hour job for the sake of setting a good example for your children.

But their kids sure loved living in a nice neighborhood and having the money for family vacations. Or would they have rather lived in a beat up area with crappy schools?

Those are bizarre-o choices. My kids live in a nice, small house in a great neighborhood. We travel every year. I work 40 hours a week and DH works about 45. No one, or at least no one reasonable, is arguing that parents shouldn't work, or even that they shouldn't work full-time. I think it is fair to imagine my life plus 30 MORE hours each week working and see that it would be really hard on me and my kids.

I cannot even fathom tacking 30 more hours onto my job! My kids sports schedule alone would not allow for it. Plus there are things they want to do in the late afternoon/evenings. How would that even happen? Plus dinner? And exercise? Forget about it!

[Anonymous]

OP, why is it your responsibility to figure out how he can manage getting to counseling? If he wants to work on your marriage, he will find a way.

[Anonymous]

Plain and simple, it is unhealthy to work 70 hrs a week. For everyone involved.

[Anonymous]

You know, maybe this points to a problem in our society. The choice shouldn't be "work normal hours and live in a beat up area with crappy schools" or "work so many hours you don't have down time with your family but be able to give your kids an education." Am I the only one who finds this absurd?

It is absurd, but it is also not an either/or. Many, many people work normal hours and have a decent life. We do. If you value having a three million dollar house over time with your family, then perhaps you make that choice, but most of the people I know who work 70 hours a week certainly have more than one choice. They choose to work that much because they make the calculus that the pay off is worth it (or they in fact prefer it, because its a form of avoidance of family, which is not to be underestimated).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You know, maybe this points to a problem in our society. The choice shouldn't be "work normal hours and live in a beat up area with crappy schools" or "work so many hours you don't have down time with your family but be able to give your kids an education." Am I the only one who finds this absurd?

It is absurd, but it is also not an either/or. Many, many people work normal hours and have a decent life. We do. If you value having a three million dollar house over time with your family, then perhaps you make that choice, but most of the people I know who work 70 hours a week certainly have more than one choice. They choose to work that much because they make the calculus that the pay off is worth it (or they in fact prefer it, because its a form of avoidance of family, which is not to be underestimated).

I know a lot of unhappy attorneys who feel they HAVE to work at this pace because the firm demands it. I know they would rather spend more time with family, but they're paranoid about losing their jobs and not being able to pay off their loans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I haven't ever talked to anyone on their death bed, but I have heard many people, young and old, speak of their regret in not living up to their potential.

So living up to your potential is working 70 hours a week???



You're out of your fucking mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But their kids sure loved living in a nice neighborhood and having the money for family vacations. Or would they have rather lived in a beat up area with crappy schools?

Newsflash, grandma: Kids don't know any better between good schools and crappy schools. They just know "school."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you would put as many hours into your marriage as you do your job you would be better off. I never get it, why people work so much and let the important things in life crumble.

When was the last time you heard the dying guy say, I wish I had worked more??????????????

I haven't ever talked to anyone on their death bed, but I have heard many people, young and old, speak of their regret in not living up to their potential. The best way I know to do that is to work hard and achieve. I absolutely make time for my husband and kids (i'm the 70-hour a week PP who went to counseling in the mornings with my husband), but my career is important to me. And it's important for my kids to see professional achievement by their MOM. Times have changed, but the glass ceiling hasn't crumbled yet.

I have never met a kid who said "thanks mom for working those 70 hour weeks. It made you a great example for me". I have heard LOTS of kids say "my parents weren't around for me". If you want to work, fine. If you need to work, fine. But don't pretend that you worki a 70 hour job for the sake of setting a good example for your children.

That's because we live in a culture where people like to blame parents (especially mothers) for every short coming in their life.

A colleague of mine was recently complaining that his wife is terrible at keeping the kids' schedules organized, that evenings are always a chaotic mess, etc. But then said, "but it's not her fault, it's how she was raised." Seriously? Because her mom wasn't organized, it's impossible for her to be? I, as a grown person, am incapable, or at the very least handicapped, from leading my life differently than my parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Off topic - to the PP who is a mom working 60-70 hours a week: Kudos to you! It's admirable to see someone work so hard at something they love and I agree, there are lots of reasons that sets a good example. I'm so tired of the couple extremely judgmental posters on this board who never miss an opportunity to tell parents that they are "sad" , their lives are "sad" and their kids must be miserable because they have a parent (or two) who finds their work fulfilling and/or work in a field that doesn't offer a 9-5 M-F schedule. Doctors, lawyers, military members, government officials, police officers, truck drivers, college professors, business owners and so many more aren't entitled to have children according to their narrowly held beliefs on how available everyone else should be to their kids.

Signed, a 15 year SAHM who is job hunting

Kudos for working 60-70hrs a week? Please. Anyone working those hours with children has their priorities completely flipped. Do the math on that one. You are NOT parenting your child. It's neglect.

[Anonymous]

For the record, a lot of people work 70 hour weeks and live in crappy neighborhoods...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the record, a lot of people work 70 hour weeks and live in crappy neighborhoods...

True, but that's not the dcum demographic.

[Anonymous]

Success is when you have choices- the ability to work if you want/need to doing something that's for the most part fulfilling AND the ability to have a reasonably flexible schedule, to make it to a fair amount of the kids games, recitals, etc, or squeeze in an hour of whatever _____ fill in the blank, in this case counseling. Something is off here- either it's a very long commute, wrong job or crazy boss, or your DH isn't WILLING to adjust to make it to weekly counseling.... Something will give soon, and it may be your marriage