I am a legally married gay mother of 2. Ask me anything
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NotSoAnonymous
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Q:How do gay female couples generally handle having children? Do they usually adopt or use a sperm donor?
How does engagement and marriage work? By that I mean, I knew a gay couple who was engaged/living in a state that did not have marriage equality. Do some couples choose to have a ceremony only? Do they wait until gay marriage is legalized by the state? Do they get married in a state that allows it, and is the marriage recognized in other states? A: We used an ID consent donor. I would say sperm donation is the most common route as there are many roadblocks to adoption including unfair laws and also money. Two couples I know adopted- one internationally and one with multiple kids from an open adoption. Engagement works like with everyone else. Fall in love with "the one" and pop the question. We married in DC in a legal civil ceremony but have friends who were married in their faith communities without a civil contract. Though my marriage is recognized by 8 states and DC, it is not in Virgina nor by the Feds. This means that while my straight colleague went and had the exact same marriage with the exact same license- his opposite sex spouse is eligible for survivor benefits from his pension, his family is covered under his insurance, his kids are recognized as his dependents. His wife and kids are eligible to collect social security death benefits. Etc etc. I obviously believe this is unfair. |
Anonymous
| Do you worry about living in a state that is sometimes hostile to your rights? Ever consider moving for that reason, or are the practical things like school more important? |
NotSoAnonymous
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Q: What well intentioned acts or statements do straight people do/say that irritate you? I ask because I realize I would like to be able to tell my gay friends and colleagues that I'm all for marriage equality, don't view them as deviant or harmful, and think that they should be treated just like everyone else. In a nutshell, "I support you and who you are even though there is a vocal crowd out there that may believe differently." What I DON'T want to do is be offensive in my clumsy effort to show support.
A: I am not easily offended especially by well intended people. I think the above quote is nice. I would not be offended at all by it. It also helps if you see that someone is upset or hurt by another's comments to speak up. "Jane, I am sorry you had to walk by that hateful protestor." |
Anonymous
+1 (isn't no 2nd parent adoption a deal breaker? Particularly since DC and MD are so close.) |
NotSoAnonymous
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Q: How do you want people to introduce you? Like if I was introducing you to my husband. "Honey, this is Mary and her wife Jane." "This is Mary and her spouse Jane."
I wouldn't know what to say. A: "This is Mary and her wife Jane. I went to school with Mary blah blah". Partner is ok if you are unsure of marital status, but if I am married and you know it say wife. I do understand that it sticks in your throat for a second, but I am grateful that you get over it. Also, please don't say she is my friend. That's belittling. (FWIW I had to have this conversation with my own mother years ago, so I do understand. ) |
Anonymous
| No questions, but thanks for the offer, OP. |
Anonymous
| Would you tell my child that your child has two mothers? I am way too practical, and my kids know what an egg, sperm, and zygote are. They know that NO ONE has two bio parents of the same gender, like they know that NO CHILD comes from the cabbage patch or stork. Just don't want anyone to tell them that and egg plus and egg equals a zygote. |
NotSoAnonymous
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Q: Do you worry about living in a state that is sometimes hostile to your rights? Ever consider moving for that reason, or are the practical things like school more important?
A: Absolutely, which is why I believe it should be dealt with on the federal level. We did and have considered moving, but like many of our peers, are underwater in our home. Not badly, but enough to lose our 20k downpayment. We can't afford to move, do like our neighborhood, commute, friends etc. I don't feel like I should have to move to get equal rights in this country. Because our families are so accepting, and the legal groundwork we have laid - including extensive and expensive documentation of our intent to have and raise our family together- living wills, consent forms, guardianship forms, etc - I feel pretty ok most days. As the government in VA has started to overreach the more I feel scared. I do not think the state could make a case against my parenthood but I am no lawyer. The only thing that will give me that is second parent adoption. The biggest threat to my kids and my relationship would be divorce- so I have incentive to be a great wife and mom. |
NotSoAnonymous
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Q: I'm shy and tend to be somewhat quiet around people I don't know well. If we met, I wonder if you'd think I was uncomfortable with your choices vs. just being me.
A: My wife is pretty shy. I think I can discern shy from discomfort. |
Anonymous
| How did you and DW decide that DW would be the carrier? Do you worry that DW might get preferential treatment as to custody if you guys divorce? I think this happened to a couple in Vermont. |
Anonymous
| OP, I didn't intend it to be this this way, but a couple of my close friends I met once my kids were in school. I recall it being difficult when they were toddlers to make friendships with people. Other friends I have I worked with 20 years ago. But with two parents working and kids activities, unfortunately, I don't have a lot of time for a lot of friends, let alone myself. I think that's why it's easier to meet them through your kids, because you can catch up when kids are playing or schedule family outings together. But, again, this is a working town. |
NotSoAnonymous
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Q: Would you tell my child that your child has two mothers? I am way too practical, and my kids know what an egg, sperm, and zygote are. They know that NO ONE has two bio parents of the same gender, like they know that NO CHILD comes from the cabbage patch or stork. Just don't want anyone to tell them that and egg plus and egg equals a zygote.
A: Yes, I would because my child *does* have two mothers. If they pressed for biology I would tell them that we went to a special doctor to get help, and that our family is possible due to the kindness of a man who donated the sperm that helped create Bobby and Billy. That is not to say that I think 3 year olds need scientific data. In my experience one I say Bobby has 2 mommies the kid says "ok, how about hippos? Or I like trucks"or some other non sequitur. If you as a parent are around I will answer the yes they have 2 moms part and look to you for guidance for the second. I am not going into the birds and bees if you're not ready for that. |
Anonymous
OP, I have a young child and my husband and I would totally want to be friends with you if we knew you in real life because you seem nice! |
o you ever sense that people are trying to befriend you because they want the opportunity to expose their children to a family with children completely unlike their own? Do you sense people avoid your family for the same reason? Do you consider alternative family an offensive description?
Anonymous
Do you really want to be friends with OP because she seems nice? Or because she seems nice and is also gay and you want to diversify your circle of friends? |
NotSoAnonymous
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Q:How did you and DW decide that DW would be the carrier? Do you worry that DW might get preferential treatment as to custody if you guys divorce? I think this happened to a couple in Vermont.
A: It was very important for her to carry. If I was at all able to give that gift to her I wanted to. It would have been easier if I carried as we ran into infertility on her end, but again, it was almost primal, her wish to do this. We struggled for 2 years worth of expensive fertility treatments (which would have been covered under her insurance had we been married since it was a medical issue not just a no sperm issue). I do worry about what would happen should we divorce. I have no legal rights to my kids. The Vermont case breaks my heart. I can't imagine losing my kids. I think it would kill me. On that cheery note I think enough of my wife that even if we did divorce she sees me as their parent and we would do custody as such. Or I would get the meanest lawyer I could find 
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