I am a legally married gay mother of 2. Ask me anything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, speaking of crockpots, is there anything you can do with chicken other than cook it to shredd-Ed-ness? I'm new to this slow cooker thing...

Get lost.

[Anonymous]

NotSoAnonymous wrote:Q: Would you tell my child that your child has two mothers? I am way too practical, and my kids know what an egg, sperm, and zygote are. They know that NO ONE has two bio parents of the same gender, like they know that NO CHILD comes from the cabbage patch or stork. Just don't want anyone to tell them that and egg plus and egg equals a zygote.

A: Yes, I would because my child *does* have two mothers. If they pressed for biology I would tell them that we went to a special doctor to get help, and that our family is possible due to the kindness of a man who donated the sperm that helped create Bobby and Billy.

That is not to say that I think 3 year olds need scientific data. In my experience one I say Bobby has 2 mommies the kid says "ok, how about hippos? Or I like trucks"or some other non sequitur.

If you as a parent are around I will answer the yes they have 2 moms part and look to you for guidance for the second. I am not going into the birds and bees if you're not ready for that.

Would you be upset if I told my child that that is not really the case? That is back to the zygote thing. BTW, I am open minded enough that my kids at three knew what a zygote was, complete with microscope images. They know all about the human genome and more than most of their friends, so they already know that two women can not have a child. To me it is like calling your father's second wife a mother, just not factual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Would you be upset if I told my child that that is not really the case? That is back to the zygote thing. BTW, I am open minded enough that my kids at three knew what a zygote was, complete with microscope images. They know all about the human genome and more than most of their friends, so they already know that two women can not have a child. To me it is like calling your father's second wife a mother, just not factual.

NP here. Tell me, why is a legal, step or adoptive mother any less a mother? Yes, a child cannot have 2 biological mothers, but there is a lot more to having a child than just bearing the child. If you are stuck on only defining motherhood based on biological mothers, then you have a very limited perspective. That attitude is very offensive to a lot of parents out there who have spent years raising their families. You're welcome to your opinion and what you tell your own child, but don't be surprised when you offend many parents and hear some not so kind retorts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

NotSoAnonymous wrote:Q: Would you tell my child that your child has two mothers? I am way too practical, and my kids know what an egg, sperm, and zygote are. They know that NO ONE has two bio parents of the same gender, like they know that NO CHILD comes from the cabbage patch or stork. Just don't want anyone to tell them that and egg plus and egg equals a zygote.

A: Yes, I would because my child *does* have two mothers. If they pressed for biology I would tell them that we went to a special doctor to get help, and that our family is possible due to the kindness of a man who donated the sperm that helped create Bobby and Billy.

That is not to say that I think 3 year olds need scientific data. In my experience one I say Bobby has 2 mommies the kid says "ok, how about hippos? Or I like trucks"or some other non sequitur.

If you as a parent are around I will answer the yes they have 2 moms part and look to you for guidance for the second. I am not going into the birds and bees if you're not ready for that.

Would you be upset if I told my child that that is not really the case? That is back to the zygote thing. BTW, I am open minded enough that my kids at three knew what a zygote was, complete with microscope images. They know all about the human genome and more than most of their friends, so they already know that two women can not have a child. To me it is like calling your father's second wife a mother, just not factual.

Do you go out of your way to make sure your children know all the facts in all cases of adoption? I can't imagine telling my 5 year old daughter that he best friend from school isn't really X's daughter. Just seems cruel and totally unnecessary for young kids who have no internal compass to prevent them from telling other kids on the playground.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Would you be upset if I told my child that that is not really the case? That is back to the zygote thing. BTW, I am open minded enough that my kids at three knew what a zygote was, complete with microscope images. They know all about the human genome and more than most of their friends, so they already know that two women can not have a child. To me it is like calling your father's second wife a mother, just not factual.

NP here. Tell me, why is a legal, step or adoptive mother any less a mother? Yes, a child cannot have 2 biological mothers, but there is a lot more to having a child than just bearing the child. If you are stuck on only defining motherhood based on biological mothers, then you have a very limited perspective. That attitude is very offensive to a lot of parents out there who have spent years raising their families. You're welcome to your opinion and what you tell your own child, but don't be surprised when you offend many parents and hear some not so kind retorts.

No, it is not that. My kindergartener was arguing with me that two women could have a baby. She knew about egg and sperm, so she thught that I missed something when I did not tell her about egg and egg. I told her the truth, two women do not have a baby. They might refer to the women as mothers, but each child has one mather and one father at conception, and for life wrt DNA. Why confuse them?

[NotSoAnonymous]

Pp- is there something in my previous post that didn't sit well or was unclear? I said "A: Yes, I would because my child *does* have two mothers. If they pressed for biology I would tell them that we went to a special doctor to get help, and that our family is possible due to the kindness of a man who donated the sperm that helped create Bobby and Billy."


So- Linda and Betty are Billy's moms. They went to a special doctor... Etc. I could really blow your mind and say that I know women who have harvested eggs from one partner and implanted in the other. Mostly though, I don't pry into people's biological relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Would you be upset if I told my child that that is not really the case? That is back to the zygote thing. BTW, I am open minded enough that my kids at three knew what a zygote was, complete with microscope images. They know all about the human genome and more than most of their friends, so they already know that two women can not have a child. To me it is like calling your father's second wife a mother, just not factual.

NP here. Tell me, why is a legal, step or adoptive mother any less a mother? Yes, a child cannot have 2 biological mothers, but there is a lot more to having a child than just bearing the child. If you are stuck on only defining motherhood based on biological mothers, then you have a very limited perspective. That attitude is very offensive to a lot of parents out there who have spent years raising their families. You're welcome to your opinion and what you tell your own child, but don't be surprised when you offend many parents and hear some not so kind retorts.

No, it is not that. My kindergartener was arguing with me that two women could have a baby. She knew about egg and sperm, so she thught that I missed something when I did not tell her about egg and egg. I told her the truth, two women do not have a baby. They might refer to the women as mothers, but each child has one mather and one father at conception, and for life wrt DNA. Why confuse them?

Then I think OP's answer was quite good.

"A: Yes, I would because my child *does* have two mothers. If they pressed for biology I would tell them that we went to a special doctor to get help, and that our family is possible due to the kindness of a man who donated the sperm that helped create Bobby and Billy."

That explains the biology, but make sure that you explain that both mothers are the parents or mothers of the children. These mothers deserve the same respect and acknowledgement as a full time step-mother, adoptive mother, or legal mother (a child conceived by donor egg, but where the mother is still listed on the birth certificate as the mother at birth). While you feel that you are only being honest to the children and trying not to confuse them, do you really want to teach your child something as offensive as "Betty is really not Johnny's mother, Alice is."? While you teach your child the biology, also teach your child respect. That will serve her just as much in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Would you be upset if I told my child that that is not really the case? That is back to the zygote thing. BTW, I am open minded enough that my kids at three knew what a zygote was, complete with microscope images. They know all about the human genome and more than most of their friends, so they already know that two women can not have a child. To me it is like calling your father's second wife a mother, just not factual.

NP here - No offense, but you're nitpicking the biology here because you don't accept that gay parents constitute a family, and want to pass that message along to your kids without SEEMING like a homophobe. You know full well that when discussing a family with a 5 yo, the important thing is the familial relationship, not the ins and outs of the biological ancestry. The terms "mother" and "father" aren't used to identify the biological parents, they're used to identify the role in the family structure. A female parent is known as a mother, the child has two female parents, therefore, the child has two mothers. If you're telling them that isn't true, you're the one who's confusing them.

Do you also tell them that the heterosexual couple who adopted a kid in their class aren't really the kid's parents? It's exactly the same principle.

On another note, I wonder if your slavish devotion to science holds when your kids are taught about evolution? After all, that is the scientific explanation for the beginning of human life. Do you let it go at that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Would you be upset if I told my child that that is not really the case? That is back to the zygote thing. BTW, I am open minded enough that my kids at three knew what a zygote was, complete with microscope images. They know all about the human genome and more than most of their friends, so they already know that two women can not have a child. To me it is like calling your father's second wife a mother, just not factual.

NP here - No offense, but you're nitpicking the biology here because you don't accept that gay parents constitute a family, and want to pass that message along to your kids without SEEMING like a homophobe. You know full well that when discussing a family with a 5 yo, the important thing is the familial relationship, not the ins and outs of the biological ancestry. The terms "mother" and "father" aren't used to identify the biological parents, they're used to identify the role in the family structure. A female parent is known as a mother, the child has two female parents, therefore, the child has two mothers. If you're telling them that isn't true, you're the one who's confusing them.

Do you also tell them that the heterosexual couple who adopted a kid in their class aren't really the kid's parents? It's exactly the same principle.

On another note, I wonder if your slavish devotion to science holds when your kids are taught about evolution? After all, that is the scientific explanation for the beginning of human life. Do you let it go at that?

Now that you bring it up. We spend a ton of time at museums and talk about evolution, natural selection, and so on. No Adam and Eve, never was, sorry. The first time I heard about Heather and two mommies, I said, may as well tell them about the stork, just dumb. FWIW, two of my gay friends have kids, and those kids have a mother and father regardless of marriage. In this case, no anonymous donors, just decided to have kids with people they liked. My kids have an adopted cousin, and they KNOW that he has a bio mom somewhere in CA, and he was legally adopted by his parents.

[Anonymous]

NotSoAnonymous wrote:Pp- is there something in my previous post that didn't sit well or was unclear? I said "A: Yes, I would because my child *does* have two mothers. If they pressed for biology I would tell them that we went to a special doctor to get help, and that our family is possible due to the kindness of a man who donated the sperm that helped create Bobby and Billy."


So- Linda and Betty are Billy's moms. They went to a special doctor... Etc. I could really blow your mind and say that I know women who have harvested eggs from one partner and implanted in the other. Mostly though, I don't pry into people's biological relationships.

To date, there are no special doctors that can make two women conceive a zygote. Sorry for the technicalities, but my kids don't believe in Santa either; and gasp OMG, I told them that there is probably no heaven or hell, so live for the moment.

[NotSoAnonymous]

Q:To date, there are no special doctors that can make two women conceive a zygote. Sorry for the technicalities, but my kids don't believe in Santa either; and gasp OMG, I told them that there is probably no heaven or hell, so live for the moment.


A: You are being deliberately obtuse, and obviously we have different standards by which we raise our children. I am a scientist- my kids will understand how they came to be- hell, I have a photo of each of them when they were just 5 cells. They also will not question that I am their mother. I don't need to debate it with you- it is a title I might not have been given due to DNA, but one I am proud to earn every day as I raise these amazing people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Would you be upset if I told my child that that is not really the case? That is back to the zygote thing. BTW, I am open minded enough that my kids at three knew what a zygote was, complete with microscope images. They know all about the human genome and more than most of their friends, so they already know that two women can not have a child. To me it is like calling your father's second wife a mother, just not factual.

NP here - No offense, but you're nitpicking the biology here because you don't accept that gay parents constitute a family, and want to pass that message along to your kids without SEEMING like a homophobe. You know full well that when discussing a family with a 5 yo, the important thing is the familial relationship, not the ins and outs of the biological ancestry. The terms "mother" and "father" aren't used to identify the biological parents, they're used to identify the role in the family structure. A female parent is known as a mother, the child has two female parents, therefore, the child has two mothers. If you're telling them that isn't true, you're the one who's confusing them.

Do you also tell them that the heterosexual couple who adopted a kid in their class aren't really the kid's parents? It's exactly the same principle.

On another note, I wonder if your slavish devotion to science holds when your kids are taught about evolution? After all, that is the scientific explanation for the beginning of human life. Do you let it go at that?

Now that you bring it up. We spend a ton of time at museums and talk about evolution, natural selection, and so on. No Adam and Eve, never was, sorry. The first time I heard about Heather and two mommies, I said, may as well tell them about the stork, just dumb. FWIW, two of my gay friends have kids, and those kids have a mother and father regardless of marriage. In this case, no anonymous donors, just decided to have kids with people they liked. My kids have an adopted cousin, and they KNOW that he has a bio mom somewhere in CA, and he was legally adopted by his parents.

There is a huge difference between what you are saying about your cousin (that he has a bio mom in addition to his parents) and what you are saying to OP (that her kids don't have two mommies). In the first scenario, you discuss the biological realities of your cousin's birth while simultaneously recognizing the legitimacy of his adoptive parents as "parents." In the second, you are completely dismissive of OP status as a parent. Looks like you're using science to hide your bigotry.

[Anonymous]

NotSoAnonymous wrote:Q:To date, there are no special doctors that can make two women conceive a zygote. Sorry for the technicalities, but my kids don't believe in Santa either; and gasp OMG, I told them that there is probably no heaven or hell, so live for the moment.


A: You are being deliberately obtuse, and obviously we have different standards by which we raise our children. I am a scientist- my kids will understand how they came to be- hell, I have a photo of each of them when they were just 5 cells. They also will not question that I am their mother. I don't need to debate it with you- it is a title I might not have been given due to DNA, but one I am proud to earn every day as I raise these amazing people.

Amen to this.

NP here. I am an adoptive mother, a mother by birth, and an adoptee. My daughter and I have each had 3 mothers- our biological mothers, our foster mothers, and the mom who raised me/and is raising my daughter. I totally agree with you.

Sorry that someone is insistent on making a fool out of herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Would you be upset if I told my child that that is not really the case? That is back to the zygote thing. BTW, I am open minded enough that my kids at three knew what a zygote was, complete with microscope images. They know all about the human genome and more than most of their friends, so they already know that two women can not have a child. To me it is like calling your father's second wife a mother, just not factual.

NP here - No offense, but you're nitpicking the biology here because you don't accept that gay parents constitute a family, and want to pass that message along to your kids without SEEMING like a homophobe. You know full well that when discussing a family with a 5 yo, the important thing is the familial relationship, not the ins and outs of the biological ancestry. The terms "mother" and "father" aren't used to identify the biological parents, they're used to identify the role in the family structure. A female parent is known as a mother, the child has two female parents, therefore, the child has two mothers. If you're telling them that isn't true, you're the one who's confusing them.

Do you also tell them that the heterosexual couple who adopted a kid in their class aren't really the kid's parents? It's exactly the same principle.

On another note, I wonder if your slavish devotion to science holds when your kids are taught about evolution? After all, that is the scientific explanation for the beginning of human life. Do you let it go at that?

Now that you bring it up. We spend a ton of time at museums and talk about evolution, natural selection, and so on. No Adam and Eve, never was, sorry. The first time I heard about Heather and two mommies, I said, may as well tell them about the stork, just dumb. FWIW, two of my gay friends have kids, and those kids have a mother and father regardless of marriage. In this case, no anonymous donors, just decided to have kids with people they liked. My kids have an adopted cousin, and they KNOW that he has a bio mom somewhere in CA, and he was legally adopted by his parents.

So you’re saying your child rejects the cousin's adopted parents and refuses to acknowledge them as the kid's mom and dad since it's physically impossible for a zygote to have two moms and two dads? And the "real" mom and dad are out there, and obviously not the people raising him. So the people raising the cousin are just... random people? Is your family dumbfounded that the two people raising the cousin refer to themselves as the mom and dad. What a joke, right? I can’t believe they could be so ridiculous to try to pull the wool over your kids eyes that way!

FWIW, every gay couple I know in MD+DC the other mom has legally adopted the child so there are two legal moms (one the bio) and there is also a bio dad out there, whether a donor or an involved dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Would you be upset if I told my child that that is not really the case? That is back to the zygote thing. BTW, I am open minded enough that my kids at three knew what a zygote was, complete with microscope images. They know all about the human genome and more than most of their friends, so they already know that two women can not have a child. To me it is like calling your father's second wife a mother, just not factual.

NP here - No offense, but you're nitpicking the biology here because you don't accept that gay parents constitute a family, and want to pass that message along to your kids without SEEMING like a homophobe. You know full well that when discussing a family with a 5 yo, the important thing is the familial relationship, not the ins and outs of the biological ancestry. The terms "mother" and "father" aren't used to identify the biological parents, they're used to identify the role in the family structure. A female parent is known as a mother, the child has two female parents, therefore, the child has two mothers. If you're telling them that isn't true, you're the one who's confusing them.

Do you also tell them that the heterosexual couple who adopted a kid in their class aren't really the kid's parents? It's exactly the same principle.

On another note, I wonder if your slavish devotion to science holds when your kids are taught about evolution? After all, that is the scientific explanation for the beginning of human life. Do you let it go at that?

Now that you bring it up. We spend a ton of time at museums and talk about evolution, natural selection, and so on. No Adam and Eve, never was, sorry. The first time I heard about Heather and two mommies, I said, may as well tell them about the stork, just dumb. FWIW, two of my gay friends have kids, and those kids have a mother and father regardless of marriage. In this case, no anonymous donors, just decided to have kids with people they liked. My kids have an adopted cousin, and they KNOW that he has a bio mom somewhere in CA, and he was legally adopted by his parents.

So you’re saying your child rejects the cousin's adopted parents and refuses to acknowledge them as the kid's mom and dad since it's physically impossible for a zygote to have two moms and two dads? And the "real" mom and dad are out there, and obviously not the people raising him. So the people raising the cousin are just... random people? Is your family dumbfounded that the two people raising the cousin refer to themselves as the mom and dad. What a joke, right? I can’t believe they could be so ridiculous to try to pull the wool over your kids eyes that way!

FWIW, every gay couple I know in MD+DC the other mom has legally adopted the child so there are two legal moms (one the bio) and there is also a bio dad out there, whether a donor or an involved dad.

No, no rejection. They just understand that if their aunt has heart disease, it is unlikely thattheir son will have this problem. The issue I have is that the children end up confused. We went through a generation of lies about reproduction, so why start over. Of course kids will eventually get it, but why not explain from the get go.

WRT the comment about embryo transfer, unless there is a really good reason for such a thing, I find it silly. I had IVF, and to this date, I worry about potential chromosomal abnormalities that could surface later as a result of the technique. The oldes IVF child is still too young to know.