I am a legally married gay mother of 2. Ask me anything

[Anonymous]

My question: Does it just make your blood boil to read things like the "closet LGBT" thread? I thought that it was one of the most depressing things that I had EVER read.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Would you be upset if I told my child that that is not really the case? That is back to the zygote thing. BTW, I am open minded enough that my kids at three knew what a zygote was, complete with microscope images. They know all about the human genome and more than most of their friends, so they already know that two women can not have a child. To me it is like calling your father's second wife a mother, just not factual.

NP here - No offense, but you're nitpicking the biology here because you don't accept that gay parents constitute a family, and want to pass that message along to your kids without SEEMING like a homophobe. You know full well that when discussing a family with a 5 yo, the important thing is the familial relationship, not the ins and outs of the biological ancestry. The terms "mother" and "father" aren't used to identify the biological parents, they're used to identify the role in the family structure. A female parent is known as a mother, the child has two female parents, therefore, the child has two mothers. If you're telling them that isn't true, you're the one who's confusing them.

Do you also tell them that the heterosexual couple who adopted a kid in their class aren't really the kid's parents? It's exactly the same principle.

On another note, I wonder if your slavish devotion to science holds when your kids are taught about evolution? After all, that is the scientific explanation for the beginning of human life. Do you let it go at that?

Now that you bring it up. We spend a ton of time at museums and talk about evolution, natural selection, and so on. No Adam and Eve, never was, sorry. The first time I heard about Heather and two mommies, I said, may as well tell them about the stork, just dumb. FWIW, two of my gay friends have kids, and those kids have a mother and father regardless of marriage. In this case, no anonymous donors, just decided to have kids with people they liked. My kids have an adopted cousin, and they KNOW that he has a bio mom somewhere in CA, and he was legally adopted by his parents.

So you’re saying your child rejects the cousin's adopted parents and refuses to acknowledge them as the kid's mom and dad since it's physically impossible for a zygote to have two moms and two dads? And the "real" mom and dad are out there, and obviously not the people raising him. So the people raising the cousin are just... random people? Is your family dumbfounded that the two people raising the cousin refer to themselves as the mom and dad. What a joke, right? I can’t believe they could be so ridiculous to try to pull the wool over your kids eyes that way!

FWIW, every gay couple I know in MD+DC the other mom has legally adopted the child so there are two legal moms (one the bio) and there is also a bio dad out there, whether a donor or an involved dad.

No, no rejection. They just understand that if their aunt has heart disease, it is unlikely thattheir son will have this problem. The issue I have is that the children end up confused. We went through a generation of lies about reproduction, so why start over. Of course kids will eventually get it, but why not explain from the get go.

WRT the comment about embryo transfer, unless there is a really good reason for such a thing, I find it silly. I had IVF, and to this date, I worry about potential chromosomal abnormalities that could surface later as a result of the technique. The oldes IVF child is still too young to know.

So, in this scenario, if your kid asked about their classmate with two mommies, after you got done explaining that their classmate in fact does not have two mommies, how would you explain the second woman living with their classmate?

[Anonymous]

This is the best thread I have read on DCUM in a long time. Thank you OP for being so rational and honest.

[Anonymous]

Have you, or any lesbian you know, encountered hostile sexual harassment or threats from machismo men who do not accept you for who you are? I read about this happening in DC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the best thread I have read on DCUM in a long time. Thank you OP for being so rational and honest.

+1. I am also using OP's incredible sane-ness and honesty as an example so that I do not chime in on this thread, which is making my blood boil. I am not a gay mother of two. I am a straight mother of two (legally married, just like OP), and I have a number of lesbian friends with kids that came about in all sorts of ways. OP asked people like me not to speak for her, so I won't, but I hope she can feel the support and that I am trying to be "with" her.

If I knew how to give OP a standing ovation over the internet for starting and maintaining this thread, I would.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
No, no rejection. They just understand that if their aunt has heart disease, it is unlikely thattheir son will have this problem. The issue I have is that the children end up confused. We went through a generation of lies about reproduction, so why start over. Of course kids will eventually get it, but why not explain from the get go.

WRT the comment about embryo transfer, unless there is a really good reason for such a thing, I find it silly. I had IVF, and to this date, I worry about potential chromosomal abnormalities that could surface later as a result of the technique. The oldes IVF child is still too young to know.

Face facts. You are a callous and insensitive person. You can justify it all you want, but you don't approve of anyone who hasn't born children naturally and are going out of your way to teach your children to be clinically insensitive to those people. While you may be able to teach your children biology, you clearly will not be able to teach your children courtesy, compassion and manners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Would you be upset if I told my child that that is not really the case? That is back to the zygote thing. BTW, I am open minded enough that my kids at three knew what a zygote was, complete with microscope images. They know all about the human genome and more than most of their friends, so they already know that two women can not have a child. To me it is like calling your father's second wife a mother, just not factual.

NP here - No offense, but you're nitpicking the biology here because you don't accept that gay parents constitute a family, and want to pass that message along to your kids without SEEMING like a homophobe. You know full well that when discussing a family with a 5 yo, the important thing is the familial relationship, not the ins and outs of the biological ancestry. The terms "mother" and "father" aren't used to identify the biological parents, they're used to identify the role in the family structure. A female parent is known as a mother, the child has two female parents, therefore, the child has two mothers. If you're telling them that isn't true, you're the one who's confusing them.

Do you also tell them that the heterosexual couple who adopted a kid in their class aren't really the kid's parents? It's exactly the same principle.

On another note, I wonder if your slavish devotion to science holds when your kids are taught about evolution? After all, that is the scientific explanation for the beginning of human life. Do you let it go at that?

Now that you bring it up. We spend a ton of time at museums and talk about evolution, natural selection, and so on. No Adam and Eve, never was, sorry. The first time I heard about Heather and two mommies, I said, may as well tell them about the stork, just dumb. FWIW, two of my gay friends have kids, and those kids have a mother and father regardless of marriage. In this case, no anonymous donors, just decided to have kids with people they liked. My kids have an adopted cousin, and they KNOW that he has a bio mom somewhere in CA, and he was legally adopted by his parents.

So you’re saying your child rejects the cousin's adopted parents and refuses to acknowledge them as the kid's mom and dad since it's physically impossible for a zygote to have two moms and two dads? And the "real" mom and dad are out there, and obviously not the people raising him. So the people raising the cousin are just... random people? Is your family dumbfounded that the two people raising the cousin refer to themselves as the mom and dad. What a joke, right? I can’t believe they could be so ridiculous to try to pull the wool over your kids eyes that way!

FWIW, every gay couple I know in MD+DC the other mom has legally adopted the child so there are two legal moms (one the bio) and there is also a bio dad out there, whether a donor or an involved dad.

No, no rejection. They just understand that if their aunt has heart disease, it is unlikely thattheir son will have this problem. The issue I have is that the children end up confused. We went through a generation of lies about reproduction, so why start over. Of course kids will eventually get it, but why not explain from the get go.

WRT the comment about embryo transfer, unless there is a really good reason for such a thing, I find it silly. I had IVF, and to this date, I worry about potential chromosomal abnormalities that could surface later as a result of the technique. The oldes IVF child is still too young to know.

So, in this scenario, if your kid asked about their classmate with two mommies, after you got done explaining that their classmate in fact does not have two mommies, how would you explain the second woman living with their classmate?

I would say the mother's wife, who adopted them.

[NotSoAnonymous]

Q:My question: Does it just make your blood boil to read things like the "closet LGBT" thread? I thought that it was one of the most depressing things that I had EVER read.

A: It absolutely does make my blood boil, but then it makes me sad and depressed. Honest dialogue is a good way to combat ignorance, which is why I am here. I think it is harder to hate us if you know us. Which isn't to say I don't sometimes feel like clonking someone upside the head, but I am only human.

[NotSoAnonymous]

Q:Have you, or any lesbian you know, encountered hostile sexual harassment or threats from machismo men who do not accept you for who you are? I read about this happening in DC.

A: I have on numerous occasions, beggining in high school when I was assaulted physically for turning down a boy's unwanted attentions. He called me a dyke in that attack, marking the first time that happened. I have been harassed a number of times since then, but not in a long while, and only once in DC, and that's been 10 years or so.

I am also someone who "passes." I don't, in my appearance, challenge anyone's notions of masculinity or femininity. There have been brutal gay bashings in DC, and a number of murders of trans women of color.

[NotSoAnonymous]

"I would say the mother's wife, who adopted them.

Which would make her their.....

Go ahead PP, you can say it. Just sound it out. Muuu thrrrr

[Anonymous]

NotSoAnonymous wrote:"I would say the mother's wife, who adopted them.

Which would make her their.....

Go ahead PP, you can say it. Just sound it out. Muuu thrrrr

Step muuuu thrrrr

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

NotSoAnonymous wrote:"I would say the mother's wife, who adopted them.

Which would make her their.....

Go ahead PP, you can say it. Just sound it out. Muuu thrrrr

Step muuuu thrrrr

An adoptive parent is a parent (no longer a step).

[Anonymous]

What are your favorite LGBT blogs and websites? I'm so sad that Dykes to Watch Out For has stopped!
Signed,
Married lesbian MOTHER to-be (counting down the days until wife gives birth!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Would you be upset if I told my child that that is not really the case? That is back to the zygote thing. BTW, I am open minded enough that my kids at three knew what a zygote was, complete with microscope images. They know all about the human genome and more than most of their friends, so they already know that two women can not have a child. To me it is like calling your father's second wife a mother, just not factual.

NP here - No offense, but you're nitpicking the biology here because you don't accept that gay parents constitute a family, and want to pass that message along to your kids without SEEMING like a homophobe. You know full well that when discussing a family with a 5 yo, the important thing is the familial relationship, not the ins and outs of the biological ancestry. The terms "mother" and "father" aren't used to identify the biological parents, they're used to identify the role in the family structure. A female parent is known as a mother, the child has two female parents, therefore, the child has two mothers. If you're telling them that isn't true, you're the one who's confusing them.

Do you also tell them that the heterosexual couple who adopted a kid in their class aren't really the kid's parents? It's exactly the same principle.

On another note, I wonder if your slavish devotion to science holds when your kids are taught about evolution? After all, that is the scientific explanation for the beginning of human life. Do you let it go at that?

Now that you bring it up. We spend a ton of time at museums and talk about evolution, natural selection, and so on. No Adam and Eve, never was, sorry. The first time I heard about Heather and two mommies, I said, may as well tell them about the stork, just dumb. FWIW, two of my gay friends have kids, and those kids have a mother and father regardless of marriage. In this case, no anonymous donors, just decided to have kids with people they liked. My kids have an adopted cousin, and they KNOW that he has a bio mom somewhere in CA, and he was legally adopted by his parents.

So you’re saying your child rejects the cousin's adopted parents and refuses to acknowledge them as the kid's mom and dad since it's physically impossible for a zygote to have two moms and two dads? And the "real" mom and dad are out there, and obviously not the people raising him. So the people raising the cousin are just... random people? Is your family dumbfounded that the two people raising the cousin refer to themselves as the mom and dad. What a joke, right? I can’t believe they could be so ridiculous to try to pull the wool over your kids eyes that way!

FWIW, every gay couple I know in MD+DC the other mom has legally adopted the child so there are two legal moms (one the bio) and there is also a bio dad out there, whether a donor or an involved dad.

No, no rejection. They just understand that if their aunt has heart disease, it is unlikely thattheir son will have this problem. The issue I have is that the children end up confused. We went through a generation of lies about reproduction, so why start over. Of course kids will eventually get it, but why not explain from the get go.

WRT the comment about embryo transfer, unless there is a really good reason for such a thing, I find it silly. I had IVF, and to this date, I worry about potential chromosomal abnormalities that could surface later as a result of the technique. The oldes IVF child is still too young to know.

So, in this scenario, if your kid asked about their classmate with two mommies, after you got done explaining that their classmate in fact does not have two mommies, how would you explain the second woman living with their classmate?

I would say the mother's wife, who adopted them.

Yeah, ok. I was hoping this wasn't the case, but -- bigot.

[Anonymous]

Compare:

My kids have an adopted cousin, and they KNOW that he has a bio mom somewhere in CA, and he was legally adopted by his parents.

With:

I would say the mother's wife, who adopted them.

and

Step muuuu thrrrr

So - how do you refer to your niece/nephew's parents? Step parents? Or mother and father? Can you see the double standard now?