Something I don't understand about criticism of big families

[Anonymous]

My mother is from a large family and she has tons of issues because of it. She always needs to be the center of attention because she obviously didn't have enough attention growing up (she's also a total drama queen because being dramatic is a way to draw attention to herself). She absolutely cannot stand to be alone and has a constant need to fill her house with people. You never know who will be there when you show up. She's materialistic and flaunts her possessions because she never had anything new or nice growing up. I could go on, but I won't. She also has some wonderful qualities. And she's the first to say that it's not right to have a large family because it is not physically possible to give every child enough individualized love and attention.

That being said, there is a BIG difference between a family with 3 kids and a family with 5. 3 is manageable, with 5, you're not spending time alone with all your kids. It's just impossible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The idea that childhood means no work and all play is cultural. Kids learn to be responsible by taking on responsibility. Babysitting younger siblings has been happening since the beginning of time and it is only modern day urban rich who now feel that is oppression. Still out on farms and in rural areas, kids help out.

I was one of 6 and yes I did lots of babysitting but it was never a bad thing. In our family being part of the family meant contributing whether you were child or adult. I really couldn't have been all that bad as various teens lived with us by choice when their own family situations were bad and yes they were expected to take on responsibilities as a family member, including helping with other kids.

Agree, I have read that kids that have real responsibilities have higher self esteem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am one of the bitter old hags who criticize big families. We have a great many of them in our area. And increasingly, I feel like having a big family in this day and age is a political act. They are the homeschooling, right-wing types who practice Natural Family Planning but can't seem to get it right. And more annoying that that, they are in my way. When we are at swimming lessons or dance, the moms are the ones sitting on their asses letting their kids throw the free newspapers on the ground or stick pencils in their eyes. They are the kids drowning in the swimming pool. One of them is always MIA. Hey wanna-be Mrs Duggars of the world, watch your children. I often wonder, I only have two kids why do I seem busier or more harried than Mrs. Duggar who is over there lounging b/c she's tired. She's pregnant again, of course. So her kids are out playing in traffic or the older ones have the little ones (maybe). The other day I saw one mom really berating her 7 (?) old for not watching the little ones. That just isn't right.

ITA. Some mom of a large brood is probably going to come on here and tell us all that the woman in your story is not stressed because she just has her act together or something whereas you are a disorganized, lazy mess. Nonsense. Most of the women like the one you observed do not take care of the family day-to-day. How can they, after all, they are always pregnant or breastfeeding an infant. Day-to-day care is done by someone else (if at all). The homeschooling is one of the more disturbing issues, and I believe that the OP has stated on other threads that she home schools. How does someone who is always pregnant or breastfeeding an infant also properly homeschool the older children? The OP of this thread is on this site posting so much that we know about her home births, her Catholic faith, her family blog, that she was the oldest of 10, her husband is in the military, and the gender of her kids. [b]How can someone who home schools multiple older kids and presumably runs a household of 10 people have so much time for the Internet?[b]

Yikes, I feel so stalked.

Fair question, though the same could be asked of the many professionals/dual income posters here. For me, I use DCUM as a diversion when exercising and breastfeeding. It gives me a window into a world very different from my Catholic homeschooling one, and I find the differing perspectives fascinating. And I have been dealing with a serious, long-term illness the past few months, so the distraction has been nice, though often guilty.

Since my older children have needed to take on more than their usual share of responsibility during my illness, my original question has been weighing heavily on my mind, but I am starting to get back to my normal self, and I think they rose to the occasion quite well. I am proud of their resourcefulness and concern, and I hope we are able to make up for lost ground soon.

Big families do often operate in different grooves, different rhythms. The chaos ebbs and flows, and what counts as organization for us might not look that way on the outside. But I think there are many opportunities for virtue in living such a life, and I am grateful for the stories shared here, because they help me reflect on what I can do better.

[Anonymous]

Don't get the baby machine mentality. Never will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't get the baby machine mentality. Never will.

I don't get the "I'm gonna wait until I'm 40+ and then cry about TTC. I'll then have to use the money from the great career I built to buy someone else's eggs or expensive IVF treatment. Then I'll get really sad, because I don't have enough time/resources for more than 1 child".

So, yeah..the confusion goes both ways.

News flash: If you're 40+, you're not infertile; your eggs are just too damn old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When someone criticizes large families, calls women "breeders", etc, it's almost always older Moms. They're bitter and pissed that they started their families late, so they think folks with 3+ children are just spitting out babies for the hell of it.

older mom with 2 young kids, married late in life

didn't plan either one - So I'm sure, with MY fertility record, I could have had a few more. The thought was NOT appealing to me.

People have children for selfish reasons. You wish to carry on a name, for example. How many men try so hard for that boy? My uncle did, and 5 girls later . . . Poor fool didn't understand this his Y was in hiding. You feel unfulfilled as a woman. Your professional life didn't turn out the way you planned. So you fill your time with making babies.

all for selfish reasons

Now, those who adopt SN kids are in a different category. But I'm fairly certain that these parents aren't adopting them in groups of 10.

So am I bitter? hell no! I love my 2. They're happy, receive individual attention, and participate in activities, and attend private school b/c we're financially stable.

Don't make assumptions, PP. You're the one who sounds bitter. Reread your post. If you come from a large family or have one yourself and were actually PLEASED with your situation, you wouldn't have posted what you did?

What happened? Didn't you cook a turkey large enough to feed a family of 10+?

And there's the snark! Knew you couldn't resist. Perhaps you should practice what you preach?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When someone criticizes large families, calls women "breeders", etc, it's almost always older Moms. They're bitter and pissed that they started their families late, so they think folks with 3+ children are just spitting out babies for the hell of it.

Why so defensive and bitter today, Michelle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When someone criticizes large families, calls women "breeders", etc, it's almost always older Moms. They're bitter and pissed that they started their families late, so they think folks with 3+ children are just spitting out babies for the hell of it.

I am one of those older women with ONLY two kids, and yes, I wish that I had 10 kids. Seriously, I would trade my MD for eight more kids. I NEVER criticize women with large families, as a matter of fact, I have told my patients who are on their 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th kids that I am proud of them.

Proud of them for what, exactly? Giving birth doesn't make you a hero.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I think a lot of people make these jokes because it's an easy laugh and they don't really mean anything by it. Most people don't have big families, therefore most people don't know people who have big families, and it's easy to make fun of the unfamiliar. I hear a lot of people make jokes about Michelle Duggar, and I think for most of those people if you had a serious conversation with them about big families they would either be neutral on the topic, think it was slightly weird, or admit that it was none of their business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am one of the bitter old hags who criticize big families. We have a great many of them in our area. And increasingly, I feel like having a big family in this day and age is a political act. They are the homeschooling, right-wing types who practice Natural Family Planning but can't seem to get it right. And more annoying that that, they are in my way. When we are at swimming lessons or dance, the moms are the ones sitting on their asses letting their kids throw the free newspapers on the ground or stick pencils in their eyes. They are the kids drowning in the swimming pool. One of them is always MIA. Hey wanna-be Mrs Duggars of the world, watch your children. I often wonder, I only have two kids why do I seem busier or more harried than Mrs. Duggar who is over there lounging b/c she's tired. She's pregnant again, of course. So her kids are out playing in traffic or the older ones have the little ones (maybe). The other day I saw one mom really berating her 7 (?) old for not watching the little ones. That just isn't right.

ITA. Some mom of a large brood is probably going to come on here and tell us all that the woman in your story is not stressed because she just has her act together or something whereas you are a disorganized, lazy mess. Nonsense. Most of the women like the one you observed do not take care of the family day-to-day. How can they, after all, they are always pregnant or breastfeeding an infant. Day-to-day care is done by someone else (if at all). The homeschooling is one of the more disturbing issues, and I believe that the OP has stated on other threads that she home schools. How does someone who is always pregnant or breastfeeding an infant also properly homeschool the older children? The OP of this thread is on this site posting so much that we know about her home births, her Catholic faith, her family blog, that she was the oldest of 10, her husband is in the military, and the gender of her kids. [b]How can someone who home schools multiple older kids and presumably runs a household of 10 people have so much time for the Internet?[b]

Yikes, I feel so stalked.

Fair question, though the same could be asked of the many professionals/dual income posters here. For me, I use DCUM as a diversion when exercising and breastfeeding. It gives me a window into a world very different from my Catholic homeschooling one, and I find the differing perspectives fascinating. And I have been dealing with a serious, long-term illness the past few months, so the distraction has been nice, though often guilty.

Since my older children have needed to take on more than their usual share of responsibility during my illness, my original question has been weighing heavily on my mind, but I am starting to get back to my normal self, and I think they rose to the occasion quite well. I am proud of their resourcefulness and concern, and I hope we are able to make up for lost ground soon.

Big families do often operate in different grooves, different rhythms. The chaos ebbs and flows, and what counts as organization for us might not look that way on the outside. But I think there are many opportunities for virtue in living such a life, and I am grateful for the stories shared here, because they help me reflect on what I can do better.

You sound lovely, PP, hope you get better soon!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Were you an older sibling in a large family, OP? Because my sister was and she had to help raise us. I feel bad that she couldn't have just been a kid like the rest of us.

This case sounds excessive. OP is talking about the responsibilities that come with being in a family.
Oldest kids ahve it harder even w/o the responsibilities of the younger ones, so you will always hear groans from them.

No, it wasn't an excessive case. But it was more than just changing a diaper or two, or any of the normal helping out that could be expected from an older sibling. I don't get the idea that when people criticize big families, they're talking about siblings who have to change the occasional diaper or heat up a bottle every one in a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When someone criticizes large families, calls women "breeders", etc, it's almost always older Moms. They're bitter and pissed that they started their families late, so they think folks with 3+ children are just spitting out babies for the hell of it.

older mom with 2 young kids, married late in life

didn't plan either one - So I'm sure, with MY fertility record, I could have had a few more. The thought was NOT appealing to me.

People have children for selfish reasons. You wish to carry on a name, for example. How many men try so hard for that boy? My uncle did, and 5 girls later . . . Poor fool didn't understand this his Y was in hiding. You feel unfulfilled as a woman. Your professional life didn't turn out the way you planned. So you fill your time with making babies.

all for selfish reasons

Now, those who adopt SN kids are in a different category. But I'm fairly certain that these parents aren't adopting them in groups of 10.

So am I bitter? hell no! I love my 2. They're happy, receive individual attention, and participate in activities, and attend private school b/c we're financially stable.

Don't make assumptions, PP. You're the one who sounds bitter. Reread your post. If you come from a large family or have one yourself and were actually PLEASED with your situation, you wouldn't have posted what you did?

What happened? Didn't you cook a turkey large enough to feed a family of 10+?

And there's the snark! Knew you couldn't resist. Perhaps you should practice what you preach?

I do. I am a mother of two. In the past, when friends asked me whether they should have 3 (or 4), I've always said no.

And if I'm snarky, so be it. But I am tired of people putting down "older" moms.

Now if you'll excuse me, poster, my husband and I will be putting our two young children to bed - 1 parent per kid . . . makes the evening so much more enjoyable!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When someone criticizes large families, calls women "breeders", etc, it's almost always older Moms. They're bitter and pissed that they started their families late, so they think folks with 3+ children are just spitting out babies for the hell of it.

older mom with 2 young kids, married late in life

didn't plan either one - So I'm sure, with MY fertility record, I could have had a few more. The thought was NOT appealing to me.

People have children for selfish reasons. You wish to carry on a name, for example. How many men try so hard for that boy? My uncle did, and 5 girls later . . . Poor fool didn't understand this his Y was in hiding. You feel unfulfilled as a woman. Your professional life didn't turn out the way you planned. So you fill your time with making babies.

all for selfish reasons

Now, those who adopt SN kids are in a different category. But I'm fairly certain that these parents aren't adopting them in groups of 10.

So am I bitter? hell no! I love my 2. They're happy, receive individual attention, and participate in activities, and attend private school b/c we're financially stable.

Don't make assumptions, PP. You're the one who sounds bitter. Reread your post. If you come from a large family or have one yourself and were actually PLEASED with your situation, you wouldn't have posted what you did?

What happened? Didn't you cook a turkey large enough to feed a family of 10+?

And there's the snark! Knew you couldn't resist. Perhaps you should practice what you preach?

I do. I am a mother of two. In the past, when friends asked me whether they should have 3 (or 4), I've always said no.

And if I'm snarky, so be it. But I am tired of people putting down "older" moms.

Now if you'll excuse me, poster, my husband and I will be putting our two young children to bed - 1 parent per kid . . . makes the evening so much more enjoyable!

I agree. Menopause can be a bitch; do whatever you can to not drain your energy!

[Anonymous]

I come from a large family. I am the oldest, I never remember having a childhood. I did all of the cooking, most of the cleaning. My parents were out partying, while I took care of the kids. When the boys were toddlers I remember I was 12, I couldn't find a babysitter, so I had to stay home from school to watch them. Sometimes when my brothers were infant/toddlers they had to sleep in my room if they were too fussy for my mother to sleep. This was NOT fair. I didn't decide to have them. I am one of the people who thinks you shouldn't have kids if you and your spouse can't take care of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When someone criticizes large families, calls women "breeders", etc, it's almost always older Moms. They're bitter and pissed that they started their families late, so they think folks with 3+ children are just spitting out babies for the hell of it.

I am one of those older women with ONLY two kids, and yes, I wish that I had 10 kids. Seriously, I would trade my MD for eight more kids. I NEVER criticize women with large families, as a matter of fact, I have told my patients who are on their 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th kids that I am proud of them.

Proud of them for what, exactly? Giving birth doesn't make you a hero.

ITA. This is a very strange phrase for an MD to use.