Friend's daughter confided in me--do I tell my friend?

[Anonymous]

OP, no one has suggested that you could also tell your friend that her daughter seems very troubled and you are concerned about her and suggest that she talk to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, if I found out that you were talking to my child about abortion and didn't tell me not only would our friendship be over, but I would probably spend the rest of my life plotting out my revenge.

YOU are an adult. Act like one.

If you need to make friends with a 16 year old girl, there is seriously something wrong with you. Act like a parent, not a child.

How is spending the rest of your life plotting your revenge ACTING LIKE AN ADULT?

[Anonymous]

Why not offer to be with her when she tells her Mom? She felt comfortable enough with you to tell you to begin with, it sounds like she feels like she should tell her Mom. If she doesn't want to tell her then just set up a time when the three of you can be together and you can tell the Mom (with her permission of course) while she is with you. Maybe she's just scared to do it alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks very much for all of the perspective. (And no, I wasn't trying to spark an abortion debate at all-- I really think this girl's parents would be OK with her decision. I asked her if she could sit for an hour tonight but I am really going to take her to coffee and talk to her about telling her mom. I think more than anything she is embarrassed about having had sex at all. She's a great student and has never given her parents any trouble, and I think she's afraid to ruin their image of her as their perfect little girl. The parents are fairly liberal but they're still parents, and the guy who is the father isn't even her boyfriend.

But at the end of the day I think this girl would be better served by having her mom involved. I will offer to be there with her, help her tell, or tell the mom myself, but I will insist that the mom find out. I have a feeling just the fact that the kid told me first is going to hurt the mom's feelings (she's like that), but in the end that's not the most important thing. Ack, I am so dreading this! I really want to not screw up the situation any further.

OP you sound very balanced. I have a DD [older teen]. The babysitter sounds like a nice girl who is in a terrible situation. The worst people to confide in will be friends [peers] since one would confide in another and it would leech out digitally via texts, facebook chats, and maybe even twitter. Better she talks to you and her mom than any peers. Since the boy isn't a long term Mr Nice Guy boyfriend I assume he doesn't know.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think it is a good idea to take her out for coffee and talk to her more about it at length. I would also make sure when you talk to her, you ask her directly if she wants YOU to tell her mom, if she wants to tell her mom herself but also wants you there, or if she doesn't want her mother to know at all. If it is the latter, then you have some more thinking to do in terms of whether you should go ahead and tell her mother.

Like some other pps, I was 17 when I had an abortion. I told a "grown-up" who was very close to me, and she sound exactly like you-younger 30s, young kids, etc. I wanted an "adult" to know, to give advice, and to kind of give their blessing, but I did NOT want that grown-up to be my mother. I was terrified she would hate me, disapprove of my choice, be disappointed in me, etc. My friend kept my counsel, and was there for me.

Looking back now as a mother of young girls, I wish wish wish that this older friend had urged me to tell my mother. I regret every day that I did not tell her at the time. Her reaction when I did tell her was so the opposite of what I had thought, and she was so upset...but at the thought of me going through that ordeal without her.

There is no easy answer to this situation, and those pps who are telling you to just go ahead and tell the mom immediately w/o the girl's consent are in the wrong, IMO. Talk to her, see what she thinks, and then go forward.

One last thing-your phrase about the mother having hurt feelings that her daughter told you instead of her...that gives me pause. Are you SURE she will be as supportive as you think?

Bottom line: if the girl acts at all like she wants her mother to know, I would find a way to let her mother know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell the mom. If my DD was pregnant I'd want to keep the baby. I realize that not everyone feels like I do but surely pro-choice people don't mean to deny the choice of life. Maybe if Mom knows, she'll offer an alternative to abortion. Shouldn't the girl know all of her options?

It isn't your baby, if your daughter is having it. You don't have to be pregnant, or have your life disrupted.....this may well be why the original kid doesn't tell her mom.

Also, you don't know what goes on behind closed door.....

[Anonymous]

I'm not reading the rest before I post. Do not betray this girl's confidence. She has her reasons for not telling her mother. At least not yet. She's old enough to make this decision for herself.

[Anonymous]

I already posted but OP it sounds like you have a good idea of what to do and goodluck.

Can you come back and keep us posted on how it went?

If I were the girl I would be glad to know I had you to confide in.

[Anonymous]

OP, I posted earlier and said, I would tell the girl to tell her mom or I would tell her mom. FYI I am rabidly feminist and pro choice.

I was in a similar situation as a teen. My best friend got pregnant and wanted an abortion. She wanted ME to take her for the abortion. I convinced her not to tell HER parents (who were complete screw ups) but to confide in MY parents who put her in touch with various resources so that she knew what all her options were.


16 is too young to make such a huge decision without the help of a trusted adult. What if this girl is making a mistake but doesn't know about the ways her parents might be willing to help her and support her? Because she's embarassed? That's not a good enough reason. The girls is still a child and she's got a serious problem on her hands, not to mention a serious medical procedure in her future. Her parents should be told. Whatever the law says. And if the price an adult woman has to pay for doing the right thing is the loss of the girl's friendship.... I would pay that price.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I posted earlier and said, I would tell the girl to tell her mom or I would tell her mom. FYI I am rabidly feminist and pro choice.

I was in a similar situation as a teen. My best friend got pregnant and wanted an abortion. She wanted ME to take her for the abortion. I convinced her not to tell HER parents (who were complete screw ups) but to confide in MY parents who put her in touch with various resources so that she knew what all her options were.

16 is too young to make such a huge decision without the help of a trusted adult. What if this girl is making a mistake but doesn't know about the ways her parents might be willing to help her and support her? Because she's embarassed? That's not a good enough reason. The girls is still a child and she's got a serious problem on her hands, not to mention a serious medical procedure in her future. Her parents should be told. Whatever the law says. And if the price an adult woman has to pay for doing the right thing is the loss of the girl's friendship.... I would pay that price.

I'm really confused. In a similar situation, you told your best friend to confide in a "trusted adult" who was not her parents. Isn't that EXACTLY who OP is in this situation? Your parents didn't tell your friend's parents, I gather (or at least you didn't say they did) - but OP absolutely HAS to tell the girl's parents? How do you get there?

The girl reached out to a trusted adult (OP), who is going to talk to her about the issue, and encourage her to tell her parents. It's completely premature to suggest that the girl's parents have to be told (especially in light of the story you related).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I think she told you because she needed an adult to confide in. I do not think this answer is an easy decision. I think you should get in touch with the girl again and tell her that you truly believe (if you do) that her mother will support her and be there for her with her decision. It sounds like the girl wants the abortion and its not a matter of changing her mind, her mother should not be there to confuse her but to support *her* decision.

Can you offer to sit with the girl when she tells her mom? I think that would maybe help her feel better about the situation.

Its hard to say bc we do not know your friend and how she would react to you knowing before her or being there when the daughter tells.

I would reach back our to the girl before you discuss it with her mom.

Exactly this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I posted earlier and said, I would tell the girl to tell her mom or I would tell her mom. FYI I am rabidly feminist and pro choice.

I was in a similar situation as a teen. My best friend got pregnant and wanted an abortion. She wanted ME to take her for the abortion. I convinced her not to tell HER parents (who were complete screw ups) but to confide in MY parents who put her in touch with various resources so that she knew what all her options were.

16 is too young to make such a huge decision without the help of a trusted adult. What if this girl is making a mistake but doesn't know about the ways her parents might be willing to help her and support her? Because she's embarassed? That's not a good enough reason. The girls is still a child and she's got a serious problem on her hands, not to mention a serious medical procedure in her future. Her parents should be told. Whatever the law says. And if the price an adult woman has to pay for doing the right thing is the loss of the girl's friendship.... I would pay that price.

I'm really confused. In a similar situation, you told your best friend to confide in a "trusted adult" who was not her parents. Isn't that EXACTLY who OP is in this situation? Your parents didn't tell your friend's parents, I gather (or at least you didn't say they did) - but OP absolutely HAS to tell the girl's parents? How do you get there?

The girl reached out to a trusted adult (OP), who is going to talk to her about the issue, and encourage her to tell her parents. It's completely premature to suggest that the girl's parents have to be told (especially in light of the story you related).

HER parents already knew. They didn't care. They were fine with the idea of ME driving her to get an abortion in new york since our state didn't do them anymore at that point. I was the one who decided other adults needed to be brought into the situation.

My point is: TELL. Tell, tell, tell. Always tell the truth. If you have any doubts about whether telling is the right thing to do or not, tell. That's what I learned then, it's how I live now, and I'm sticking to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I posted earlier and said, I would tell the girl to tell her mom or I would tell her mom. FYI I am rabidly feminist and pro choice.

I was in a similar situation as a teen. My best friend got pregnant and wanted an abortion. She wanted ME to take her for the abortion. I convinced her not to tell HER parents (who were complete screw ups) but to confide in MY parents who put her in touch with various resources so that she knew what all her options were.

16 is too young to make such a huge decision without the help of a trusted adult. What if this girl is making a mistake but doesn't know about the ways her parents might be willing to help her and support her? Because she's embarassed? That's not a good enough reason. The girls is still a child and she's got a serious problem on her hands, not to mention a serious medical procedure in her future. Her parents should be told. Whatever the law says. And if the price an adult woman has to pay for doing the right thing is the loss of the girl's friendship.... I would pay that price.

I'm really confused. In a similar situation, you told your best friend to confide in a "trusted adult" who was not her parents. Isn't that EXACTLY who OP is in this situation? Your parents didn't tell your friend's parents, I gather (or at least you didn't say they did) - but OP absolutely HAS to tell the girl's parents? How do you get there?

The girl reached out to a trusted adult (OP), who is going to talk to her about the issue, and encourage her to tell her parents. It's completely premature to suggest that the girl's parents have to be told (especially in light of the story you related).

HER parents already knew. They didn't care. They were fine with the idea of ME driving her to get an abortion in new york since our state didn't do them anymore at that point. I was the one who decided other adults needed to be brought into the situation.

My point is: TELL. Tell, tell, tell. Always tell the truth. If you have any doubts about whether telling is the right thing to do or not, tell. That's what I learned then, it's how I live now, and I'm sticking to it.

but you said, "I convinced her not to tell HER parents (who were complete screw ups) but to confide in MY parents who put her in touch with various resources so that she knew what all her options were." I'm still confused.