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Elementary School-Aged Kids
Friend's daughter confided in me--do I tell my friend?
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Anonymous
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Over the past year I've become fairly close with a co-worker. We don't really hang out outside work because our lives are in very different places-- early 30s with young kids, she's in her 50s and her youngest is 16. We chat a lot at work, though, and she is very forthcoming about various issues with her family. A few months ago her 16-year-old daughter started babysitting for us. She's an adorable smart girl who clearly has a great future. I usually drive her home and we chat about school, boys, whatever. I give her little advice on random stuff like colleges, proms, etc. I can tell she really likes me and listens to what I say, but it's a little weird bc the reason my advice seems so good is probably because I know all of this stuff about her and her family. Last night she sat for us and when I drove her home she burst into tears and told me she is pregnant and planning to have an abortion on Friday. She didn't ask me for anything, although I offered her any kind of help or support she might need. Her friend is taking her for the abortion. I think she needed an adult to tell her it was going to be ok. The thing is, I know for an absolute fact that if my friend knew about this, she would be 100% supportive of her daughter and the decision to abort, and that if she finds out later it will break her heart not to have been there for her daughter. Knowing this family, it probably will come out eventually. If my friend finds out I knew she will probably never forgive me for not telling her. But I can't betray this girl's trust, right?? I did tell her that I think she should tell her mom. She agrees that her mom would be supportive and that it would be a great comfort to have her mom know, but I think she is just so ashamed. Her parents have always communicated openly about safe sex, self esteem, etc., but she just did something stupid. I am so sad for her to be going through this. |
Anonymous
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It sounds to me like she wants you to tell the mom. And even if she doesn't, she might gain the support she needs and what do you lose?
I would ONLY tell if you are 100% sure though that your friend will react the way you think. You do not want this poor kid to be abused/thrown out, etc. |
Anonymous
| Based on your last paragraph and the fact that you are sure the mom would be supportive, I think that you should tell her. You can also call the girl and let her know that you are planning to tell the mom, and reaffirm that you really want to support her, and that you think her mom will as well. |
Anonymous
I disagree - if the OP thinks the girl WANTS her to tell, she should ask the girl directly (i.e. - "it sounds like you are scared to tell your mom - would you like me to tell her for you? I really think she will be understanding and you will have the support you need at this challenging time. I know you are feeling ashamed, but you do not need to be ashamed about this. What do you think?"). If you tell the mom without the girl's consent, you will lose her trust. If the mom finds out later AND finds out that you knew, she may be upset, but I would hope she would feel grateful that her daughter had an adult she could trust. If it was me, I would not tell, but OP ultimately you have to decide what feels right for YOU. Good luck! |
Anonymous
| The little girl is young and pregnant. Why would you not tell her parents? Your loyalty should not be to a 16 year olds feelings. She did not make a mature decision and it is for you, knowing the facts, to be an actual adult and tell her parents. It really shouldn't be that hard for you to know what to do. |
Anonymous
| If this were your child, how would you want the other adult handling it? |
Anonymous
Are we really not telling the parents to save a 16 year olds trust? Op, find a new friend that isn't 16 and tell this little girls parents. |
Anonymous
| I would tell the girl that as her mom's friend, you feel like you are obligated to tell her. Maybe offer to talk to her mom together? Even if she knew that her mom would be supportive and she wanted to tell her, she is probably scared sh**less and just can't get up the nerve to bring it up. |
Anonymous
Easy. The mom must know. Can you imagine your DC getting as much as a bump on the head -- you'd want to me informed. |
Anonymous
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You are her employer and her mother is your friend. She has no reason to expect some circle of trust between you and her. If she's too young to realize that, well I guess that leads you to the same answer, doesn't it.
BTW does anyone have some sense of deja vu, like we read this post before? |
Anonymous
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Absolutely tell her! And tell her to not let the daughter know you told her. Moms have their way to find things out and teens learn that soon enough.
It's a serious matter and I bet you'd want to know if it was your DD. |
Anonymous
| This post seems almost too silly to be real. Who would be confused about what to do in the situation OP describes? Maybe OP was looking to spark an abortion debate? |
Anonymous
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She might die if something goes wrong. Do tell her mother. HOw would you feel if it happen and
yhou did not tell? |
Anonymous
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I'm so glad everyone thinks the answer is so clear, but I don't.
I think I would tell her you think she should tell her mom. I think you could go through all the reasons why - the emotional support before, during and after, for one thing - and see where it goes. If she still refuses to tell, then I think you have some more thinking to do. I do think, as an adult, you can try to nudge her in the right direction rather than going immediately to her mother. Give her a chance to find her own way to the right path. 16 is hardly a baby - it's old enough to get married in some states. I had a friend in college who had an abortion, and it was very hard for her. The girl may not know it now, but her need for support may grow, not go away. |
Anonymous
Guess I'm the odd one out - I don't think OP should tell without the girl's permission. 16 is old enough to get an abortion in certain states/DC (apparently in the one the OP resides in), obtain birth control without parental consent, and have private health records even at the pediatrician's office (I grew up in this area and went to a very well known, highly respected pediatrician's office who kept separate locked records for teens - separate from their "regular" health records in case parents wanted to review their charts). As someone with a background in public health - I look at this situation from a public health perspective and see the importance of confidentiality - is it REQUIRED in this situation? NO, but I think a teen having a trusted adult they can confide in is extremely important - if the OP wants to tell the mom, I think a conversation with the daughter about WHY the OP feels the need to tell is fundamental otherwise she loses an adult who can potentially help her and the girl could become even more isolated. Maybe my response is skewed because I'm the mother of a son, but if this were my child, I would WANT my child to tell me, and HOPE that I had a close enough relationship with my child that they WOULD tell me, but be thankful that they had an adult they trusted enough to confide in. |