Friend's daughter confided in me--do I tell my friend?

[Anonymous]

Yes, if I found out that you were talking to my child about abortion and didn't tell me not only would our friendship be over, but I would probably spend the rest of my life plotting out my revenge.

YOU are an adult. Act like one.

If you need to make friends with a 16 year old girl, there is seriously something wrong with you. Act like a parent, not a child.

[Anonymous]

I would offer to speak to the girl's mother WITH with the girl. I don't think I could go behind the girl's back and just tell her mom...this girl's trust in people could be shattered forever. This is an extremely delicate situation, and to me, paramount is the well-being of the teenager, not how the mom might feel later on.

Also, how does she know she's pregnant? Has she been to a doctor? What if she's like 4 or 5 months along or something and can't even have an abortion? Where is she gonna get the money for it? If she doesn't even have the answers to these questions, than that's even more reason to try to tell the mom with her. But if she's just missed her period and discovered she's pregnant, know's the laws and how much it is and where to go, it sounds like she just wanted to "unload" on an adult to get it off her chest and isn't looking for someone to save her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, if I found out that you were talking to my child about abortion and didn't tell me not only would our friendship be over, but I would probably spend the rest of my life plotting out my revenge.

YOU are an adult. Act like one.

If you need to make friends with a 16 year old girl, there is seriously something wrong with you. Act like a parent, not a child.

I don't understand why you think that she's "making friends with a 16 year old girl" just because the girl confided something in her. You're not friends with your doctor or your priest, but you confide in them. Children are not friends with their teachers, but they confide in them. I don't see this as any different.

In any case, 16 is a lot more adult than child, and I think it is disrespectful and patronizing to remove the girl from the situation and make decisions for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell the mom. If my DD was pregnant I'd want to keep the baby. I realize that not everyone feels like I do but surely pro-choice people don't mean to deny the choice of life. Maybe if Mom knows, she'll offer an alternative to abortion. Shouldn't the girl know all of her options?

If your DD was pregnant, it wouldn't be your baby to choose to keep. I can understand wanting to have the opportunity to offer to support my daughter and let her know that we'd support her in keeping the baby if that was her choice, but it wouldn't be my decision to make for her. I like the advice of the PP who suggested talking to the girl and encouraging her to tell her mother and offering to be there while she tells her...as hard as this might be, OP, I think it's really great that she feels comfortable enough to have confided in you and I would try to use that trust to encourage her to tell her mother herself.

[Anonymous]

I would offer to speak to the girl's mother WITH with the girl. I don't think I could go behind the girl's back and just tell her mom...this girl's trust in people could be shattered forever.

I think this is terrific advice. You should say that you really feel that her mom needs to know, and offer to tell the mom together.

[Anonymous]

Totally agree with talking to the girl's parents with her. Let her tell them, but you can't just say "tell your parents." I can only imagine how terrifying it would be to be 16 and get the words out. Having a supportive person there would help her feel that she was not alone.

[Anonymous]

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I disagree - if the OP thinks the girl WANTS her to tell, she should ask the girl directly (i.e. - "it sounds like you are scared to tell your mom - would you like me to tell her for you? I really think she will be understanding and you will have the support you need at this challenging time. I know you are feeling ashamed, but you do not need to be ashamed about this. What do you think?").

If you tell the mom without the girl's consent, you will lose her trust. If the mom finds out later AND finds out that you knew, she may be upset, but I would hope she would feel grateful that her daughter had an adult she could trust.

If it was me, I would not tell, but OP ultimately you have to decide what feels right for YOU. Good luck!

Agree 100%.

[Anonymous]

OP I think she told you because she needed an adult to confide in. I do not think this answer is an easy decision. I think you should get in touch with the girl again and tell her that you truly believe (if you do) that her mother will support her and be there for her with her decision. It sounds like the girl wants the abortion and its not a matter of changing her mind, her mother should not be there to confuse her but to support *her* decision.

Can you offer to sit with the girl when she tells her mom? I think that would maybe help her feel better about the situation.

Its hard to say bc we do not know your friend and how she would react to you knowing before her or being there when the daughter tells.

I would reach back our to the girl before you discuss it with her mom.

[Anonymous]

I would tell the girl, "You have to tell your mom. If you don't tell her, I will. You ahve until x day to do it."

[Anonymous]

I was 18 when I had an abortion. My friend went with me and I did not tell my parents. I started hemorraging very badly and ended up in the hospital. My parents obviously found out then. I don't know what they would have done if I had told them beforehand-I was scared and ashamed. I am pro-choice but knowing what I know can happen, I would not want that responsibility of knowing that something could go wrong and still keeping it a secret. You have no idea of what her medical condition is, of where she is going, and what could happen. I agree with offering to go with her to tell her parents, but tell her parents you should.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks very much for all of the perspective. (And no, I wasn't trying to spark an abortion debate at all-- I really think this girl's parents would be OK with her decision. I asked her if she could sit for an hour tonight but I am really going to take her to coffee and talk to her about telling her mom. I think more than anything she is embarrassed about having had sex at all. She's a great student and has never given her parents any trouble, and I think she's afraid to ruin their image of her as their perfect little girl. The parents are fairly liberal but they're still parents, and the guy who is the father isn't even her boyfriend.

But at the end of the day I think this girl would be better served by having her mom involved. I will offer to be there with her, help her tell, or tell the mom myself, but I will insist that the mom find out. I have a feeling just the fact that the kid told me first is going to hurt the mom's feelings (she's like that), but in the end that's not the most important thing. Ack, I am so dreading this! I really want to not screw up the situation any further.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This post seems almost too silly to be real. Who would be confused about what to do in the situation OP describes? Maybe OP was looking to spark an abortion debate?

Guess I'm the odd one out - I don't think OP should tell without the girl's permission. 16 is old enough to get an abortion in certain states/DC (apparently in the one the OP resides in), obtain birth control without parental consent, and have private health records even at the pediatrician's office (I grew up in this area and went to a very well known, highly respected pediatrician's office who kept separate locked records for teens - separate from their "regular" health records in case parents wanted to review their charts). As someone with a background in public health - I look at this situation from a public health perspective and see the importance of confidentiality - is it REQUIRED in this situation? NO, but I think a teen having a trusted adult they can confide in is extremely important - if the OP wants to tell the mom, I think a conversation with the daughter about WHY the OP feels the need to tell is fundamental otherwise she loses an adult who can potentially help her and the girl could become even more isolated.

Maybe my response is skewed because I'm the mother of a son, but if this were my child, I would WANT my child to tell me, and HOPE that I had a close enough relationship with my child that they WOULD tell me, but be thankful that they had an adult they trusted enough to confide in.

PP you're not the odd one out- I completely agree with you and I have two daughters. OP- offer the teen to talk to her mom for her/ with her/ break the ice/ be there to be supportive but do not force her to tell if she chooses not to do so.

[Anonymous]

I was in this situation as the girl at age 16. I told one of my mom's friends and she did tell my mom. I was LIVID. I hated her and never spoke to her again. I told the friend just to get it off of my chest. I did not want my mom to know and it caused more problems for me than I needed.

OP, ASK the girl if she'd like you to tell her mother. Please do not break this girl's trust and tell the mother. The girl can legally have an abortion without telling her mother, the mother SHOULD know, but it is up to the girl to tell the mother. By law the mother does not have to know, please respect what this girl wants.

[Anonymous]

I too was in this situation -- just a bit older than 16. My family friend kept her word and I am eternally greatful. If someday the daughter wants to tell her mother, that is her choice. (I have never told my mom... basically because I do not want to disappoint her) It's something I think about often, but that is my own doing-- not my family friends. She didn't have to tell you at all. She wanted an adult opinion and friendship and that is what you provide for her. I bet eventually her mother finds out anyway, and if she is mad at your for not telling so be it.

[Anonymous]

I had an abortion as an adult, and I will tell you there is a certain amount of recovery from such a medical procedure. It scares me to think this girl could be going through an abortion on her own with no family there, and then they would not know of her medical condition afterwards. I agree that the girl talked to you partly because she wanted her mom to know, but she was afraid to tell her. I think you have a responsibility to tell her mother. And for gosh sakes, where is she going to get this done? It would be great if her mom could vet out the place and make sure it is ok.