Friend's daughter confided in me--do I tell my friend?

[Anonymous]

My friend had an abortion when she was 17. Still today, at 40 she still has nightmares about it and her mom was the one who suggested it. Let them figure it out together.

[Anonymous]

Telling her mother would be a huge betrayal of the girl's trust in you.

She chose to tell you and it should be her choice to tell her mom. Like a PP said, you can speak with the girl and tell her that you think she should tell her mother. But I think it would be wrong of you to tell her mother yourself.

[Anonymous]

I have a daughter. If my daughter felt she could not tell me, I would thank my lucky stars if there was an adult she felt comfortable enough to tell. If a 16 year old told me about her plans and I felt as the OP does that the mother would be supportive, I would encourage the girl to tell her mom. I would make arrangements to be present when she told the mom if the girl thought it would help. Under no circumstances would I tell the mom without the girl's permission

[Anonymous]

OP, if you knew my DD was going to have an abortion and did not tell me, our friendship would be over. 16 is a CHILD. An abortion is a very big deal, and if she weeping about it to her employer, this girl is not feeling too ok with it. What if she is being pressured into it by the father? What if she is not going to a safe provider? What if, if her parents supported her, she would want to keep the baby? Since Mom is supportive of any choice, telling is not going to reduce this girl's options. And if any of the scenarios above are in play, mom's involvement could save this girl from a bad outcome or a lifetime of regret. Telling one of your mom's friends about your upcoming abortion is an unmistakable cry for help. Be a grown-up, because she obviously is not one. Tell her mother!

[Anonymous]

Op you have no right to tell and you know it. It is not your business to tell. The girl has a right to privacy and if she wants her mom's support she'll ask for it herself.

[Anonymous]

In Maryland, abortions do not require parental consent, but do require parental notification. If in Maryland, you need to inform the child that Maryland requires that at least one of her parents or guardians be notified before such a procedure and that your friendship with her mother dictates that you tell her mother before her mother finds out from the clinic. The mother would undoubtedly prefer to be informed by either her daughter or friend rather than by the clinic.

In Virginia, abortions require parental consent, and like the scenario above, you as the friend, should tell the daughter the state requirements and that you need to inform her mother.

Although the District has no restrictions like the other two jurisdictions, I think you still need to tell the mother. You should inform the daughter that her mother deserves to know and that either the daughter tells her mother, or you would tell her mother before the appointment. That way, you aren't telling the mother behind the daughter's back. The daughter is a minor and should not make this type of decision without her mother knowing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend had an abortion when she was 17. Still today, at 40 she still has nightmares about it and her mom was the one who suggested it. Let them figure it out together.

Says the pro-lifer. Are you hoping the mother will convince the daughter not to have an abortion?

[Anonymous]

I was the first poster, who said I thought it soudned like the girl wanted OP to tell her mom. I agree OP should ask the girl first.

[Anonymous]

This girl gave up her right to privacy by confiding in you. Inform her that you have no choice but to tell her mother by a certain deadline if she does not. The girl will hate you now but later on will understand why you did this and probably be grateful to you. Accepting the consequences of our choices is a lesson that cannot be taught too early.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend had an abortion when she was 17. Still today, at 40 she still has nightmares about it and her mom was the one who suggested it. Let them figure it out together.

Says the pro-lifer. Are you hoping the mother will convince the daughter not to have an abortion?

Are you suggesting that a woman couldn't possibly feel long-term anxiety or remorse about an abortion she had as a teenager? If so, I think you have your head completely buried up your insensitive, uncaring, politically-motivated, ass.

[Anonymous]

The thing is, I know for an absolute fact that if my friend knew about this, she would be 100% supportive of her daughter and the decision to abort, and that if she finds out later it will break her heart not to have been there for her daughter. Knowing this family, it probably will come out eventually. If my friend finds out I knew she will probably never forgive me for not telling her. But I can't betray this girl's trust, right??

OP, you don't know this. You believe it based on your work interactions with the mother, but none of us ever really know what goes on behind closed doors in a family. The reality may be very, very different than the picture that has been painted for you. Maybe not, but you have no way of knowing. . I agree with a couple of PPs - encourage the girl to tell her mother, and tell her you'll even be there with her when she does. You could even ask her why she feels like she can't tell her mother.

And I agree entirely with this (and I have a daughter too):

I have a daughter. If my daughter felt she could not tell me, I would thank my lucky stars if there was an adult she felt comfortable enough to tell. If a 16 year old told me about her plans and I felt as the OP does that the mother would be supportive, I would encourage the girl to tell her mom. I would make arrangements to be present when she told the mom if the girl thought it would help. Under no circumstances would I tell the mom without the girl's permission

[Anonymous]

Tell the mom. If my DD was pregnant I'd want to keep the baby. I realize that not everyone feels like I do but surely pro-choice people don't mean to deny the choice of life. Maybe if Mom knows, she'll offer an alternative to abortion. Shouldn't the girl know all of her options?

[Anonymous]

Tell the mom. If my DD was pregnant I'd want to keep the baby. I realize that not everyone feels like I do but surely pro-choice people don't mean to deny the choice of life. Maybe if Mom knows, she'll offer an alternative to abortion. Shouldn't the girl know all of her options?

[Anonymous]

OP, I understand your predicament, but I am firmly in the camp of ignore this child's "trust" in you and tell her mother, immediately. If the child is angry at you, well, then you may have lost a sitter, but she will get over it eventually and when she grows up she will understand why you did it. Her mother NEEDS to know that her daughter is in this predicament and is about to make a very adult choice without proper guidance. I'm not anti-abortion, but she is still a child and IMO her parents need to be involved in this decision.

[Anonymous]

All of you people advocating betraying the trust of this girl on the grounds that she is a teenager must not remember what it was like to BE a teenager. It sounds to me like the girl wanted to tell some trusted adult. Are you guys seriously suggesting that she betray that trust? Don't you think that could possibly lead to more poor decision making and further lying to her parents? As a teenager, I had the mom that my friends confided things in that they were scared to tell their parents. She encouraged them to tell their parents if she thought that the parents needed to know, even when she was unsure what the parents' reaction would be. She also made several phone calls when the kids asked for her help in facilitating the situation. Based on my experience, OP, if I were the confided-in adult in this situation, I would ask the girl if she wanted to tell her mom and I would volunteer to sit down with her and her mom, if that would make her more comfortable.