I am a Selfish Horrible Person

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm not sure if I read this correctly, but did you say the teen can't be depressed because he has no stress? Stress isn't always the cause of depression. He could feel like a failure, like no one cares about him etc etc. The fact that he has absolutely no interests or hobbies indicates depression. Is there anyone who he feels close to that you can have talk to him? Because of your relationship with him, I'd be cautious to be the one to talk.

[Anonymous]

Op,

You do sound as if you have given up. I agree with the PP, about the possibility of depression. Have you talked to his doctor about the nature of depression? Depression is often anger turned inwards, creating self-defeating, self-destructive behaviors. Given that his parents had so much trouble with the teen, I wouldn't be surprised if there is some kind of emotional baggage the teen needs help overcoming.

You can hate the behavior but love the person. Sounds as if your hatred has colored your vision, and you don't see the person. You can set tons of boundaries and do all the right things. Sometimes, it's better to sit down and listen to what the teen thinks is going on.

[Anonymous]

OP again,

I understand how reading this forum, you may think teen is depressed. The complete lack of interest could then be explained! You will have to trust me on this one, Teen is not depressed. Think Big Labowski who decides to keep the pee stained carpet.

[Anonymous]

Op[/i], I get that your frustrated but it seems that the only opinion that you want to hear is how awesome you are and how that teen is a miserable human being. Sorry, but I agree with the PP who says it seems your hatred for his behavior have clouded your opinions of the person. All signs of his behavior point to some sort of psychological disorder, whether it is depression,bi polar or something else. While he does sound likea PITA, I feel bad that your obvious disgust for him is preventing you from even seeing that there may be a real and serious issue he is dealing with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don't the teen stay with their parents?

OP again, the teen was headed down the teeanage wasteland cliche and the parents would not/could not help change this direction.

Honestly, it doesn't sound like you've been able to succeed at this either. No child or teen will thrive where they do not feel loved.

[Anonymous]

PP again, I just want to add one thing. I went through a very difficult phase when I was a teenager. Lied a lot about big and small things, stole money and drank, although not nearly to the degree of your relative. However, this was also my way of dealing with depression, severe body image disorders and a mentally and physically abusive bf. I couldn't talk about what I was dealing with emotionally, and this is why I acted out. Sorry for the tangent, just makes me sad how you are so quick to dismiss any psychological issue and simply label him a bad kid. Oh and one other thing, my parents also had very high expectations of myself and my brother. When I felt I couldn't meet them, I simply gave up. Thankfully my parents were loving and nuturing and by the time I was seventeen. I was on the right track

[Anonymous]

OP,
What if you and your husband died? This could be your children. Teens are tough when they're your own. FIND LOVE. Please. You found it when the teen was younger, right? Maybe you've disappointed the teen, too, maybe you're performing below the teen's expectations. Shore up, buck up, grow up!

[Anonymous]

OP,

Wishing lots of courage and good luck!
Since you have not parented your own children as teens, of course you will find it difficult to parent another teen.

Just remember he is not an adult (and therefore not entirely responsible for his misdeeds) and needs someone's unconditional love and support. You took on the job and must see it through.

This was perhaps written in other posts, but I wanted to add that PEP probably organizes teen parenting classes which I am sure could be useful for you. Also therapy for this teen would be very helpful.

[Anonymous]

OP, you did a wonderful thing for the teen. Thank god for you. You may have changed this person's life and the children he/she may someday have. I have not read ALL the posts on this thread but tried to pick out yours and here are my thoughts.

Now, I think Ann Landers would tell you, you have to make a plan to get that teen out of your house. They have to be either a FT student or work FT. They have to pay rent. You have to set a deadline and follow through. You are not doing teen any favors by prolonging dependence on you and nurturing (understandable) resentment. Teach the kid the basics of budgeting, checkbooks, banking, bill paying. Then send them out on their own to make thier mistakes and accept the consequences.

Most important thing - BIRTH CONTROL. No matter what it costs (if no insurance) or you will end up with that baby on your doorstep too.

[Anonymous]

OP, be sure to say something positive about the stuff you notice that is good, like the cleaning and watching the kids. Catch them in the act and stay positive. It does help...

good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP again,

I know if it was one of my kids, I would fight to the death for their success. I am tried, I am worn out and frankly, don't care anymore. I should not give-up, but I have, and sometime ago. Reference to the subject line. Now all I want not to feel hyper-anxiety and loathing when I am around this person. I am still tying that positive though exercise, but the faults are so numerous.

OP maybe you need to change your definition of success. You mentioned in your earlier post that the teen was a mediocre student and you were disappointed that s/he never excelled in sports and is not able to go to a great university. This path is not for everyone. Have tried just talking with the teen to learn his/her interests and hopes for the future? This is easier said than done because a normal teen's first reaction to that question will be I don't know. They do know but they are embarrassed and afraid to share their own fears or hopes. They often have exagerrated feelings of failure and self loathing even though they act like they do not care. If they sense you would see something they are interested in as beneath you they will hide it.

[Anonymous]

OP again,

I have had some time to think about everything. It is more of a love/PITA relationship. One thing that I have not disclosed before, is that my DH has off and on been the "official dad" to Teen since Teen was a mere little one. They have a very close relationship for all of those out there that feel Teen is "unloved". After thinking everything over, I also feel that I am projecting some of my arguments with DH over Teen to Teen. I am a day in to seeing "good things about Teen" and working with that projection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You mentioned in your earlier post that the teen was a mediocre student and you were disappointed that s/he never excelled in sports and is not able to go to a great university. This path is not for everyone.

OP again, maybe so, but I accomplished a lot ... and my little ones are still toddlers... I need some time to accept this mediocre spirit, and in the mean time hope genetics trump.

[Anonymous]

Hang in there OP - you are doing a good thing. On the days you just.cant.handle.it - let DH know and cede control to him.

No one is perfect and this is a lot to take on.

[Anonymous]

Op again - update

Tried the whole looking at the good in teen. Started to work, I think - then teen got caught stealing money from me, again. This time was different. It wasn't the usual, I accuse Teen, and Teen denies. Teen was caught red-handed in front of DH. Teen also admits to additional stealing that has been going on the entire time Teen has lived with us. Teen showed no signs of remorse for stealing although Teen did get upset about being caught.

Faced with certain grounding and loss of any privleges, Teen left. No mention, no discussion, just packed up their clothes and left to go hang out with friends. Teen did leave a snarky note say how sorry they were about being such a dissapointment. Completely, unsincere with undertones that this was pretty much DH's and my fault.

DH is upset, and understandably so, and for the first time in two years - last night I intentionally left my purse on the kitchen counter.

I am dissappointed that Teen would give up their entire future for Beach week, and dissappointed in myself somewhat that I could have figured out a way to motivate Teen. However, for all of you out there willing to jump on me that I drove Teen away, please be aware that Teen was given an option. Quit stealing or leave, I guess Teen thinks there are greener pastures to be had.