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Elementary School-Aged Kids
I am a Selfish Horrible Person
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Anonymous
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Anonymous
| Former teen liar, grotesque underachiever, and all around teen nogoodnik here. [Insert requisite brag about how I turned out to be a shining star.] OP, I agree with the person who said your teenager is probably very depressed. Can you get him into therapy? |
Anonymous
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OP again,
PP thanks for your insightful post. On a side note, although not that important, I wasn't mad about the beer. It was the lying and "gaslighting" (which I saw today on a different tread) when I asked teen about taking the beer. You are probably right that I lack parenting skills, but please remember that I could not biologically have this child and only started parenting a couple years ago. After writing a couple of these posts, I think that I am discovering that I really do not trust teen and in turn, I am looking for teen to make mistakes. This is then forcing me down the road to dislike and resent teen. |
Anonymous
I agree. I can't being to imagine what it would feel like for my own parent(s) to abandon me (putting myself in your teenager's shoes) and how as a teenager I would have been SO unemotionally equipped to deal with that. I don't think you are a "selfish horrible person"...but I do think that you need to re-evaluate your family sitution. Bravo for acknowledging the problem- but the real issue is WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT? You have a chance to change this stranded teenagers life- will it be a positive impact? Or will you too let this child down? Do whatever you have to do to make this situation better...it does start with you (and your spouse). Is the right answer a family counselor? family meeting? simply a change in mentality on your part? Only you know. Parenting is a process and when you start with infants and work forward, there is a much more gracious learning curve...but you were thrown into a situation that skipped many "parenting challenges/steps" so cut yourself some slack and then educate yourself about how a teenager is developmentally SO different than a toddler. Also, I would like to say that I too have a certain "picture" of my life and if those expectations were drastically changed, I would be pretty upset. You aren't a bad person for feeling this way, but you are an irresponsible caregiver if you don't do anything to change it. You can do this!! You can make a positive change for you and your family. |
Anonymous
| 18 is really young. They still need guidance. When you say they are too lazy to walk out the door, how are they supposed to know how to even walk out the door? To what? Maybe you can help them figure out their next steps. When i was that age I didn't know what a goal was. Ask them what they would like to accomplish and then lay out some steps to help them get there. Even if it's only "buy my own car" it's a way of helping them learn how to get from Point A to Point B on their own (even while still in your house). They can get a job, save X amount of money per month for Y amount of months, etc. Accomplishing a goal is empowering. I wish I had has someone map out some simple goals for me when I was an adolescent. |
Anonymous
| 18 is really young. They still need guidance. When you say they are too lazy to walk out the door, how are they supposed to know how to even walk out the door? To what? Maybe you can help them figure out their next steps. When i was that age I didn't know what a goal was. Ask them what they would like to accomplish and then lay out some steps to help them get there. Even if it's only "buy my own car" it's a way of helping them learn how to get from Point A to Point B on their own (even while still in your house). They can get a job, save X amount of money per month for Y amount of months, etc. Accomplishing a goal is empowering. I wish I had had someone map out some simple goals for me when I was an adolescent. |
Anonymous
| Not sure why that posted twice. |
Anonymous
OP again, This made me smile  Teen is not depressed, I have never witnessed someone with so little stress; ADHD fits.
Another poster wrote about teen being abandoned. Teen was lying cheating and stealing before they came to live with us. Parents of teen also lie cheat and steal, and they could not give teen proper guidance. Teen, on the verge of being kicked out for gaslighting offenses (I do like that word), had to write an apology letter to plead their case. In this letter, teen admitted living with us had prevented the inevitable path of pregnancy, drugs and jail. Another poster mentioned responsibility with money. Tried the car thing, tried the allowance thing, and teen still spends every penny as soon as it is available. Anyone have thoughtful insight ? |
Anonymous
| I so dread my children becoming teenagers. |
Anonymous
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In addition to training yourself to look for teen's positive traits and behaviors (good advice, BTW), you might also want to consciously work on feeling empathy for teen.
What this means is being curious about why teen is doing what he/she is doing. Of course, the behavior is bad. And of course, it needs to stop. But as a parent I really try to understand what my child is thinking/feeling when she behaves poorly. It helps me see her as a person -- not just as the sum total of her bad behavior. You know what I mean? FWIW, empathy is not a substitute for teaching and discipline, of course. But being curious about what DC thinks/feels keeps me from getting stuck in a negative place and informs my choices about how to teach/discipline effectively. It also helps me interact with her in a loving and supportive way -- not merely in a judgmental/negative way -- which gets far better results over time and makes me feel like a better/nicer person, too. 
I know you're in a tough situation. All the best to you and to the teen in your life. |
Anonymous
Will Teen express himself/herself in any way? Writing? Music? Art? Journal? Teen wouldn't need to share it with you. But it might help to find some outlet for Teen's thoughts and feelings. |
Anonymous
OP again, I wish!! No interests, no hobbies, no dreams. I really have never seen anything like it. Personally, it would so much easier for me to see teen passionate about something. Interests don't appear to move beyond expensive dinners with friends and TV. Writing, I am LOL...writing is the worse punishment we can inflict. |
Anonymous
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Whose money is he spending? Yours? Why? He is old enough now to earn at least his own pocket money, and I would give him 6 weeks to find a job and then turn the $ spigot off.
He sounds like a kid who wants to be liked for himself. But long ago he was branded a liar, cheater and thief by those who were supposed to love him. If people he knows to be lame (his own parents) think he's not worth loving, why would he think he is lovable or worth being loved in your home? At this rate, he is going to be what he thinks everyone expects him to be: a loser, plus all those other labels. Please give that kid another chance. Have you ever asked him what he wants, now that he's 18? What he truly wants. Do you know him? Actually know him? Can you name the things that interest him or does he keep all of that hidden from you? My suggestion is that you try to have another conversation with him, on a day when everything is at peace and going well. Ask him specific questions, and do not settle for evasive answers. Keep gently pressing, asking in 5 different ways if necessary. Ask as a person who is genuinely interested, not like you have an agenda (to boot him out). "What do you want to do with your life? Now that you are 18, do you see a way for me and DH to play a role in your life, to support you? What kinds of support would be helpful to you as you pursue your own future? How can we help you accomplish your dreams? What would you say are the 3 most important things in your life right now, and how do you think that will change over the next year, now that you are 18?" The goal is to get him to open up about who he thinks he is, and what kind of life he envisions for himself. Maybe if you can persuade him that you will (1) accept him for whoever he is (2) aren't going to abandon him, he will open up a bit. It sounds like he already appreciates you (on some level). Try relating to him more as a person, not as a liar, cheater and thief, and maybe he will surprise you. Who on earth would want to drag that baggage around? Oh, and now that he is 18, try asking him - not your DH - if he thinks he should be evaluated and consider meds. (He might actually appreciate being consulted like an adult, now that he is one.) And, you are not a horrible person. |
Anonymous
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It seems like you have tried a lot of things already...what about starting with something really simple. For example, you stated that Teen seems to have no passions/hobbies/interests other than eating expensive dinners with friends. What about 1) telling Teen that he/she is so bold to try so many new foods and restaurants. Then, ask Teen to cook a new meal for your family each week (make sure to emphasize that you want your biological children to learn from Teen and you want your biological children to know have the same appreciation for food/fine dining. Let Teen have some free reign- he/she can cook breakfast, lunch, dinner or dessert and let Teen take responsiblity to buy the ingredients beforehand. Tell Teen that you will always help with the cleanup (you can do the dishes while Teen is cooking and bonus: you get some one on one time with Teen). Or, you can use that time to play with your other kids and let Teen feel independent. Tell Teen that she can invite friends over for the meal, if you want.
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Anonymous
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OP again,
When I got home today, the family room and kitchen were both clean including dishes and Teen is now watching kids. This positive mental imagery is working! |