I am a Selfish Horrible Person

[Anonymous]

Clearly you are not a selfish. horrible person. You took someone into your home who needed help.

A couple of comments. Have you tried to make that person a part of the routine with your own kids? Does the relative feel like he/she has a stake in the family? Are you subconsciously making them feel like they are not a part of your "family"

We took in a troubled niece some time ago. Our kids were younger - 8 and 3. Well our niece was fully integrated into the structure of the family. She was treated like everybody else. She fought it at first, but then she came around. But you have to embrance that teen as your child too. See...I know you do not mean it to sound like this but it does. It sounds like you took this person in and gave them the love and attention you would give your own. Now that you have your own, that person is pushed to the side and becomes the intruder. You need to do waht you can to bring them back into the fold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds stupid, but every time you think or feel something negative, force yourself to think something positive about them. It sounds absurd but someone gave me this advice once about someone I detested but was forced to deal with, and it worked. I actually started liking them -- a lot. It works.

OP again, are you sure this works? I am a bit of a skeptic. Another HUGE problem is that this person has performed so far below my expectations, scholasticly and generally. Yes, I know my children will grow up one day and also disappoint me, but MY child sneaking a beer or a ten out my wallet will be MY child.

Not the PP, but this makes sense. Similar to the idea that if you feel sad and *force* yourself to smile, that it can actually work to make you happier. Generally we think of happy thought triggering the physical manifestation, but the reverse can trigger some of the same biomechanical feedback loops.

[Anonymous]

OP again,

Thanks for your comments! A little more background, the teen took advantage of their parents and any prioir issues were completely self-propagated. There is no sob story. In fact teen lied for a very long time to "cover-up" what was going on befopre they moved in with us. I thought that by taking in the teen, the teen would have a normal high school career, excel in sports and clubs and go to a great four year university. Although teen ended-up generally a nice person and sibling to the kids, they are a mediocre student and unmotivated. Tried clubs and sports and the teen would cut practice, etc. Normal teenage stuff (so I hear, becasue I am a high motivated, sucessful type A).

The teen is now of age, but does not have the requiste skills to make it on their own. I am tired and I have given up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again,

Thanks for your comments! A little more background, the teen took advantage of their parents and any prioir issues were completely self-propagated. There is no sob story. In fact teen lied for a very long time to "cover-up" what was going on befopre they moved in with us. I thought that by taking in the teen, the teen would have a normal high school career, excel in sports and clubs and go to a great four year university. Although teen ended-up generally a nice person and sibling to the kids, they are a mediocre student and unmotivated. Tried clubs and sports and the teen would cut practice, etc. Normal teenage stuff (so I hear, becasue I am a high motivated, sucessful type A).

The teen is now of age, but does not have the requiste skills to make it on their own. I am tired and I have given up.

So you thought you could save this kid, and when it didn't go as planned you decide not to like him/her? You know, some teens don't like sports... Does the teen have any talents or interests that are important to HIM? Like say... drawing, writing etc? What on earth made you think that you could "rescue" this kid? I feel bad for the teen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
So you thought you could save this kid, and when it didn't go as planned you decide not to like him/her? You know, some teens don't like sports... Does the teen have any talents or interests that are important to HIM? Like say... drawing, writing etc? What on earth made you think that you could "rescue" this kid? I feel bad for the teen.

OP again,
The teen asked to play sports and be on the teams and then got kicked off and decided to "pretend" that they were going to practice and instead "hang-out." The teen can leave at anytime, but is too lazy to walk out the door. The teem has a horrible history of lying, cheating and stealing to me and everyone else. I do not trust the teen and watching the teen make bad decisions makes me irate.

I have never posted anything personal on this site, this is quite therapeutic! and less expensive!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds stupid, but every time you think or feel something negative, force yourself to think something positive about them. It sounds absurd but someone gave me this advice once about someone I detested but was forced to deal with, and it worked. I actually started liking them -- a lot. It works.

OP again, are you sure this works? I am a bit of a skeptic. Another HUGE problem is that this person has performed so far below my expectations, scholasticly and generally. Yes, I know my children will grow up one day and also disappoint me, but MY child sneaking a beer or a ten out my wallet will be MY child.

I was too, but it worked for me and it worked for the person who recommended it to me. What do you have to lose? Try it for 2 weeks then report back and let us know if it worked for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm not trying to be a bitch here, but you need to pull your head out of your ass. If you are truly going to "parent" this child...you need to parent. Meaning, you need to see this child as your own and take responsibility for him or her. You're not doing them any favors and I'm sure the teenager can tell you don't really care about them. That's pretty horrible. If you don't care, then you need to reevaluate WHY you have this person in your home. If you do care about them, act that way.

Well said, and so true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
So you thought you could save this kid, and when it didn't go as planned you decide not to like him/her? You know, some teens don't like sports... Does the teen have any talents or interests that are important to HIM? Like say... drawing, writing etc? What on earth made you think that you could "rescue" this kid? I feel bad for the teen.

OP again,
The teen asked to play sports and be on the teams and then got kicked off and decided to "pretend" that they were going to practice and instead "hang-out." The teen can leave at anytime, but is too lazy to walk out the door. The teem has a horrible history of lying, cheating and stealing to me and everyone else. I do not trust the teen and watching the teen make bad decisions makes me irate.

I have never posted anything personal on this site, this is quite therapeutic! and less expensive!

Is it a possibility that the teen may be suffering from depression or bipolar disorder? There is always a reason for this kind of behavior. Does the teen have ADHD? It really sounds like there are some psychological issues.

[Anonymous]

This teen sounds scared with no family and no direction. Don't give up.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you don't get some help -- real help -- to develop strategies to cope constructively with the situation, you WILL become what you fear: a selfish, horrible person. And you won't respect yourself, either. Do it now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm not trying to be a bitch here, but you need to pull your head out of your ass. If you are truly going to "parent" this child...you need to parent. Meaning, you need to see this child as your own and take responsibility for him or her. You're not doing them any favors and I'm sure the teenager can tell you don't really care about them. That's pretty horrible. If you don't care, then you need to reevaluate WHY you have this person in your home. If you do care about them, act that way.

Well said, and so true.

OP again,
First of all this teen is 18 now, and beyond traditional parenting. And I agree with the first part, everyone always tells me what a great job I am doing ... and I do not feel that way because I resent this person. I resent them not taking care of things that I purchase for them or my family. I resent chores not being finished on time. I do feel badly that I do not want to be alone with this person or bring them on family outings...and I am going to try positive thinking as someone suggested.

This did not come on immediately, it was over time. The teen lied to me, stole from me, disregarded my rules in my house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
So you thought you could save this kid, and when it didn't go as planned you decide not to like him/her? You know, some teens don't like sports... Does the teen have any talents or interests that are important to HIM? Like say... drawing, writing etc? What on earth made you think that you could "rescue" this kid? I feel bad for the teen.

OP again,
The teen asked to play sports and be on the teams and then got kicked off and decided to "pretend" that they were going to practice and instead "hang-out." The teen can leave at anytime, but is too lazy to walk out the door. The teem has a horrible history of lying, cheating and stealing to me and everyone else. I do not trust the teen and watching the teen make bad decisions makes me irate.

I have never posted anything personal on this site, this is quite therapeutic! and less expensive!

If this teen was one of your biological children, what would you do in this situation? That's what you should do with this teen. I know what I'd do. I'd lay down some rules. I'd insist that the teen graduate and make plans. At a minmum, I'd insist he or she enroll in a community college and get acceptable grades and also get a job. If not, then I'd tell the kid to move out. Sometimes kids need tough love. There's nothing like a big dose of responsibility to help motivate a person, even a teenager.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

If this teen was one of your biological children, what would you do in this situation? That's what you should do with this teen. I know what I'd do. I'd lay down some rules. I'd insist that the teen graduate and make plans. At a minmum, I'd insist he or she enroll in a community college and get acceptable grades and also get a job. If not, then I'd tell the kid to move out. Sometimes kids need tough love. There's nothing like a big dose of responsibility to help motivate a person, even a teenager.

OP again,

I did all of this. I had the supplemental course syllabuses ready, the 5 and 10 year plans (with options), and we are by far 20x stricter than other "parents". Without a whip and constant supervision, teen will not preform. There may be something true with that ADHD comment, but DH would never support medicating teen.

I know if it was one of my kids, I would fight to the death for their success. I am tried, I am worn out and frankly, don't care anymore. I should not give-up, but I have, and sometime ago. Reference to the subject line. Now all I want not to feel hyper-anxiety and loathing when I am around this person. I am still tying that positive though exercise, but the faults are so numerous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

If this teen was one of your biological children, what would you do in this situation? That's what you should do with this teen. I know what I'd do. I'd lay down some rules. I'd insist that the teen graduate and make plans. At a minmum, I'd insist he or she enroll in a community college and get acceptable grades and also get a job. If not, then I'd tell the kid to move out. Sometimes kids need tough love. There's nothing like a big dose of responsibility to help motivate a person, even a teenager.

OP again,

I did all of this. I had the supplemental course syllabuses ready, the 5 and 10 year plans (with options), and we are by far 20x stricter than other "parents". Without a whip and constant supervision, teen will not preform. There may be something true with that ADHD comment, but DH would never support medicating teen.

I know if it was one of my kids, I would fight to the death for their success. I am tried, I am worn out and frankly, don't care anymore. I should not give-up, but I have, and sometime ago. Reference to the subject line. Now all I want not to feel hyper-anxiety and loathing when I am around this person. I am still tying that positive though exercise, but the faults are so numerous.

When I was in high school my parents made the expectation clear: when I graduated (and i was not even 18), I could stick around if I got a job and paid rent. If not, then I was out the door. I could go to college or I could work. No silly assumption that I HAD to go to a 4-year school - I think that is BS and I will encourage my kids not to waste our money on education if they don't want to or haven't figured out what they want to do yet. So what if they manage a restaurant or work in a mechanics' shop? If they are happy, I am too.

Lying and stealing and avoiding chores is normal teen behavior. They are testing boundaries and I fully expect my kids to do the same. You really need to read up on some parenting techniques if you haven't already. It is NOT all the teen's fault. It's lack of parenting. Some kids NEED constant motivation. It's hard work. And not all kids are interested in going to a 4-year-school and excelling in sports. Put yourself in their shoes - they didn't perform well enough for their parents, so you took them in thinking that the change of environment would help them perform, but they didn't, and now you're disappointed in them as well. This is the time to show them how to be a good person - and you do it by example. A modification of priorities is in order - be a good person above all else. Don't just do things to please others your entire life. Praise people on things they do well (as PPs have said - does this teen have any talents?).

Also, speak to them like and try to treat them as an adult. Because even though they are not completely mature, they need to have the opportunity to make their own decisions and deal with consequences. I'd let the beer thing go because dear god, one beer is not the end of the world, they are 18 and most kids are in college and drinking at that age. But they should pay for a 6-pack every now and then. If they steal from your wallet, they lose their car for the weekend. Simple things like that - sticking to your consequences are the hard part, but it's GOOD parenting to do so.

On the other hand, if no one's pregnant or having baby daddy issues or in jail, then that is one huge parenting success!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


On the other hand, if no one's pregnant or having baby daddy issues or in jail, then that is one huge parenting success!

I agree and commend you for the work you have done. Clearly, you have done something right if this teen is not on drugs, pregnant/father or in jail.