in NW DC, are friendships all all about quantity over quality?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I live in NOVA and have the same problems. I have lots of friends I can call in a carpool pinch, but not in a real crisis. It really hit home when an acquaintance's husband died of a heart attack a while ago. She was telling me how all her good friends picked up the pieces and planned everything for the funeral, etc. I realized that I had no-one who would do this for me and all of our family lives far away. It made me very sad.

I'm sorry to hear this. If my Dh died unexpectedly, I'd just do it all myself, I wouldn't rely on people to help me. Maybe that's why I don't have more friends - I assume everyone can handle their own lives.

Ditto.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP 12:28-- I can see how contradictory my post comes across. I was trying to point out that perhaps people aren't necessarily snobby, it is just that they aren't available because they are busy. And that it is hard to meet people, so I was trying to commiserate.

Having lived in various places across the country and this area (various parts of NW, SE, NE, VA, etc), I reluctantly have to admit that I am not finding upper NW that friendly, so far. But, I think you cool,friendly, interesting upper NW parents are out there. I really do.

And, I am not looking for 2nd string type of friends, just people whom I'd feel comfortable randomly calling up/emailing to do something and not having to make plans 3 months out or through evite.

Are you OP? It is not clear because you use "my group of casual mom friends" and "OP" in the same sentence.

12:28 here. Nope, not OP - I'm one of the pps (including the early one last night saying 'a different perspective here') who says I am lucky to have a handful of close friends from my less crazy (pre-parent) times of life, a couple of whom live nearby (in NWDC), and that's where I want to spend my emotional energy, so I'm not looking to cultivate more 'close' friends. But I have a group of casual friends that I am happy to have, for playdates, playground chats, etc. In other words I'm mostly happy with my friend situation. I was trying to pinpoint from you what you think you're missing, and offer my perspective on where/how I've found casual these friends in NW DC. FWIW, I'm in 20015 and have found it incredibly friendly. I know others feel differently and while I totally believe them, I'm mystified at the different experience we all seem to have.

PS - not saying we're either cool or interesting - we're just friendly

[Anonymous]

OP here-
thank you all for your replies and keep them coming! i am finding reading this to be fascinating.

When I WOH with children (for about 3 years) I found that it took all I had to maintain existing friendships (mostly out of town) and family relationships. None of this was really an issue. It's been since I've been home and navigating the preschool/SAHM/park/etc. culture that I've found myself longing for deeper relationships and have had a difficult time. I think what I'm looking for (and have found in one or two people) is to build a very intentional and yes, somewhat exclusive friendship (not exclusive in the "mean" sense but in the "i'm ready to invest time in this relationship even if it means that by default I won'td have time to invest in others"). I'm willing to forego knowing (and having a play date or twp or 10 with) 9/10 of the moms in the preschool if it means i can have a much deeper relationship with one. I know this isn't everyone's social need or style but I keep searching (and have had success)--it's just hard because the predominant SAH culture I've encountered is all about knowing everyone and maintaining a very wide social circle.

I recognize that most deep friendships generally take time and aren't built over a year (or even 3). However, perhaps the deepest friendship I have in DC was a sort of spontaneous connection and we grew very close very quickly. I think mainly because we were both very intentional about making it work. So I hold out hope that this is possible again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP 12:28-- I can see how contradictory my post comes across. I was trying to point out that perhaps people aren't necessarily snobby, it is just that they aren't available because they are busy. And that it is hard to meet people, so I was trying to commiserate.

Having lived in various places across the country and this area (various parts of NW, SE, NE, VA, etc), I reluctantly have to admit that I am not finding upper NW that friendly, so far. But, I think you cool,friendly, interesting upper NW parents are out there. I really do.

And, I am not looking for 2nd string type of friends, just people whom I'd feel comfortable randomly calling up/emailing to do something and not having to make plans 3 months out or through evite.

Are you OP? It is not clear because you use "my group of casual mom friends" and "OP" in the same sentence.

12:28 here. Nope, not OP - I'm one of the pps (including the early one last night saying 'a different perspective here') who says I am lucky to have a handful of close friends from my less crazy (pre-parent) times of life, a couple of whom live nearby (in NWDC), and that's where I want to spend my emotional energy, so I'm not looking to cultivate more 'close' friends. But I have a group of casual friends that I am happy to have, for playdates, playground chats, etc. In other words I'm mostly happy with my friend situation. I was trying to pinpoint from you what you think you're missing, and offer my perspective on where/how I've found casual these friends in NW DC. FWIW, I'm in 20015 and have found it incredibly friendly. I know others feel differently and while I totally believe them, I'm mystified at the different experience we all seem to have.

PS - not saying we're either cool or interesting - we're just friendly

This is my experience too in 20015 and just to put another twist on it I am AA and have established a nice group of casual friends and have two friends that I have a "deeper" relationship with where we have shared serious feelings about marriage, religion, sex and money. There are only a very few people I could talk to about those things and feel comfortable and safe. Just using the example above about a sudden death and funeral planning - I know both friends would be there in a pinch if our family had a crisis. I think my expectations of close friendships has changed too - I don't feel like I have to invest an inordinate amount of time maintaining it. Once the bond is established it's there for good unless something negative happens to break it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP 12:28-- I can see how contradictory my post comes across. I was trying to point out that perhaps people aren't necessarily snobby, it is just that they aren't available because they are busy. And that it is hard to meet people, so I was trying to commiserate.

Having lived in various places across the country and this area (various parts of NW, SE, NE, VA, etc), I reluctantly have to admit that I am not finding upper NW that friendly, so far. But, I think you cool,friendly, interesting upper NW parents are out there. I really do.

And, I am not looking for 2nd string type of friends, just people whom I'd feel comfortable randomly calling up/emailing to do something and not having to make plans 3 months out or through evite.

Are you OP? It is not clear because you use "my group of casual mom friends" and "OP" in the same sentence.

12:28 here. Nope, not OP - I'm one of the pps (including the early one last night saying 'a different perspective here') who says I am lucky to have a handful of close friends from my less crazy (pre-parent) times of life, a couple of whom live nearby (in NWDC), and that's where I want to spend my emotional energy, so I'm not looking to cultivate more 'close' friends. But I have a group of casual friends that I am happy to have, for playdates, playground chats, etc. In other words I'm mostly happy with my friend situation. I was trying to pinpoint from you what you think you're missing, and offer my perspective on where/how I've found casual these friends in NW DC. FWIW, I'm in 20015 and have found it incredibly friendly. I know others feel differently and while I totally believe them, I'm mystified at the different experience we all seem to have.

PS - not saying we're either cool or interesting - we're just friendly

That makes sense. Thanks. FWIW, I am in 20016, so your post gives me hope. We just moved here. I would like to make friends, not necessarily to have as besties, but just to share in good times and to widen my daughter's social circle (she is 9 months old). If they turn into close friends, all the better...

[Anonymous]

DH died suddenly and a number of unsolicited "friends" pitched in. They did it for their own sakes as much as mine.

[Anonymous]

"I would like to make friends, not necessarily to have as besties, but just to share in good times and to widen my daughter's social circle (she is 9 months old). "

Tee hee.

[Anonymous]

I'd just like to say that the kind of people that live in 20016 are very different from the people in 20015. 15 has a more community feel, it's not as wealthy, and people seem to be less of tools.

[Anonymous]

Not exactly. I've lived in 20016 (AU Park) and 20015 (Friendship Hts-CCDC) and they're about exactly the same with respect to the OP's topic at hand. Palisades isn't all that different than Barnaby Woods, etc.

There is no Spring Valley in 20015, though, that's true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH died suddenly and a number of unsolicited "friends" pitched in. They did it for their own sakes as much as mine.

What does this mean? Are you suggesting it wasn't genuine. I'm just confused.

[Anonymous]

Many posts mentioning a lack of friends say that they did not grow up around here. I, too, moved here after I was grown and had a child, and have not made more than superficial friends in DC.

I don't think that this is a DC phenomena, though. I spent the previous 5 years in Chicago and didn't make any close friends there either. Other people stuck to their high school and college friends.

In contrast, I spent my 20's in NYC, with people from all over, and have lots of close friends from there.

So I think that NW DC has more later-life transplants than a typical city, and that is why more people than usual feel that way.

[Anonymous]

20:40 - agreed. Plus the Northeast is way more friendly, ask anyone who has spent considerable time there and here. I have a friend from NYC who jokes she can tell someone from this area (or the south? whatever) a mile away, as they give that stink eye look to people (who more often than not do not deserve it). Funny. But I digress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - your post could have been written by me. I have lived in this area for ten years now and I still feel exactly the same way. However, I have been attributing my lack of close friendships with some personal intimacy problem I had -

Me, too!

[Anonymous]

Someone should host a 'friendless in nw' get-together.

But everyone would probably be too embarrassed to admit they were lonely outside of an anonymous forum.