in NW DC, are friendships all all about quantity over quality?

[Anonymous]

I don't have quite the same complaint, but I definitely see what you're talking about. I have several close friends here; I met most of them through work. I thought/hoped that with the little one getting older, I would start to meet other parents. But the NWDC private pre-school crowd is BRUTAL. I have hosted and attended playdates and birthday parties, had a lovely time with the other parents, and two days later, gotten the vague "do I know you" smile at drop-off on Monday morning. I really feel like there's some kind of one-upping. OP mentions quantity over quality; I get more of a high-school vibe-- like they think their value is based on how many people they can snub.

Having a small but wonderful crowd of work friends really takes the sting out of it all. If I didn't have them and the attendant assurance that it's not me, if I tried to rely on fellow parents for my social outlet, I would probably become seriously depressed.

[Anonymous]

I have found that you need to find a way to see each other frequently. Volunteer together, or go to the gym together, or if your kids are friends do family activities together, and invite that couple first to every party or outing where you can include someone else. Otherwise life moves so fast and we are all so busy that you can only keep up in a superficial way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DO you see how expensive it is to live in DC? People are always on the go, the top of the top live in NW DC and they didn't get there by being Mayberry social (except the trust funders). There is a lot of stress trying to keep up living in a multi-million dollar home, kids at STA/NCS, club fees at Burning Tree, beach house in Maine etc. and it permeates through the whole family. Wives are stressed to stay fit and trim for their bi-monthly love making session (or whenever else they make appointments to see their husbands) and kids are stressed trying to make it in to HYP. You want a slower more friendly pace move to NOVA, send your kid to public and then state college. Jesus, stop complaining already.

I/We have most of the (material) things you listed above - in some way, shape or form. But, it doesn't automatically guarantee instant friendships. I am very shy, I wait for people to befriend me and I have a hard time getting close to new people. Some may see me as a snob, or aloof.......but I am just a little bit of a wallflower. Don't judge until you really know someone. This comment (above) stems from jealousy not an accurate description of people in NW DC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:different perspective here. I also live in NW. I have made a bunch of friends in the neighborhood and you might call the friendships superficial - we are friends because our kids are the same age. we met at the park, music class, etc. I like them all, would help them in a pinch, expect they would do the same, etc. We try to be inclusive of any moms with kids our age, which makes the circle grow. But my 'true' friends are the ones that have been with me for a while, ones with whom I developed a close friendship either before kids (back in the days when I could really engage with a peer without being interrupted every 5 mins) or at work (for the same reason). I am fortunate that I have a couple of those people relatively locally, and the others I keep in touch with by phone, but frankly I just dont have the time or emotional room for more close friends - I have enough of those, I'm just looking for moms I like enough to do playdates with.

This is me as well. I have 3 or 4 close friends and don't have the time or inclination to make more. I am very sociable however and enjoy the more casual friendships that I have.

[Anonymous]

Count me as another Kent resident who has made only superficial friends during our 5 years in DC. My husband hasn't made even superficial friends.

Part of the problem is that we are just so busy with work and kids activities that we don't have time for adult stuff. Or maybe it is that we are too tired to make time.

Part of me thinks that our time in DC may only be temporary, and makes me less inclined to invest in relationships. Having to move because of the middle school problem is a real possibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:different perspective here. I also live in NW. I have made a bunch of friends in the neighborhood and you might call the friendships superficial - we are friends because our kids are the same age. we met at the park, music class, etc. I like them all, would help them in a pinch, expect they would do the same, etc. We try to be inclusive of any moms with kids our age, which makes the circle grow. But my 'true' friends are the ones that have been with me for a while, ones with whom I developed a close friendship either before kids (back in the days when I could really engage with a peer without being interrupted every 5 mins) or at work (for the same reason). I am fortunate that I have a couple of those people relatively locally, and the others I keep in touch with by phone, but frankly I just dont have the time or emotional room for more close friends - I have enough of those, I'm just looking for moms I like enough to do playdates with.

This is me as well. I have 3 or 4 close friends and don't have the time or inclination to make more. I am very sociable however and enjoy the more casual friendships that I have.

are your close friends local in NW DC? have you met them since you had kids? I'm just curious about this all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Count me as another Kent resident who has made only superficial friends during our 5 years in DC. My husband hasn't made even superficial friends.

Part of the problem is that we are just so busy with work and kids activities that we don't have time for adult stuff. Or maybe it is that we are too tired to make time.

Part of me thinks that our time in DC may only be temporary, and makes me less inclined to invest in relationships. Having to move because of the middle school problem is a real possibility.

Are you really going to do public? Even in the burbs?

[Anonymous]

I have the same problem, exacerbated by lack of time. It's very sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Count me as another Kent resident who has made only superficial friends during our 5 years in DC. My husband hasn't made even superficial friends.

Part of the problem is that we are just so busy with work and kids activities that we don't have time for adult stuff. Or maybe it is that we are too tired to make time.

Part of me thinks that our time in DC may only be temporary, and makes me less inclined to invest in relationships. Having to move because of the middle school problem is a real possibility.

Are you really going to do public? Even in the burbs?

I think this post begins to encapsulate the problem we're talking about. The first PP in the post is being honest and open...and then the next PP slams her with judgement and disdain ("Are you really going to do public? Even in the burbs?"). This is such a big part of what so many PP's have described in one form or another -- the feeling that you can't open up, discuss real issues and expect kindness, interest, etc. in return. Here we have the virtual reality example...being judged, sized up, categorized, belittled, marginalized! Well, I think the first PP sounds like a decent, nice person and I think the next PP sounds like a judgmental, bitter, competitive twit. Who knows maybe well see her later today in a tennis skirt or workout gear, parking her big black SUV at Starbucks on Mac and pretending she doesn't really quite remember where she knows us from -- such is life in Kent! Just smile and wave ladies, smile and wave...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:different perspective here. I also live in NW. I have made a bunch of friends in the neighborhood and you might call the friendships superficial - we are friends because our kids are the same age. we met at the park, music class, etc. I like them all, would help them in a pinch, expect they would do the same, etc. We try to be inclusive of any moms with kids our age, which makes the circle grow. But my 'true' friends are the ones that have been with me for a while, ones with whom I developed a close friendship either before kids (back in the days when I could really engage with a peer without being interrupted every 5 mins) or at work (for the same reason). I am fortunate that I have a couple of those people relatively locally, and the others I keep in touch with by phone, but frankly I just dont have the time or emotional room for more close friends - I have enough of those, I'm just looking for moms I like enough to do playdates with.

This is me as well. I have 3 or 4 close friends and don't have the time or inclination to make more. I am very sociable however and enjoy the more casual friendships that I have.

are your close friends local in NW DC? have you met them since you had kids? I'm just curious about this all.

Yes they are local, but I met them before having kids. I have a good friend from college that moved here recently. I have another good friend that I met in lawschool and now our families are friends, I have another friend who is the wife of a lawschool friend. Our families are also very close and we vacation together. Finally, I have a close friend that I met through work. We no longer work together but are still very close. I also have a number of casual friendships that involve getting together as couples. Oh and I have a two "mom" friends that I met through PACE three years ago. We see each other every month or so for a playdate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:different perspective here. I also live in NW. I have made a bunch of friends in the neighborhood and you might call the friendships superficial - we are friends because our kids are the same age. we met at the park, music class, etc. I like them all, would help them in a pinch, expect they would do the same, etc. We try to be inclusive of any moms with kids our age, which makes the circle grow. But my 'true' friends are the ones that have been with me for a while, ones with whom I developed a close friendship either before kids (back in the days when I could really engage with a peer without being interrupted every 5 mins) or at work (for the same reason). I am fortunate that I have a couple of those people relatively locally, and the others I keep in touch with by phone, but frankly I just dont have the time or emotional room for more close friends - I have enough of those, I'm just looking for moms I like enough to do playdates with.

This is me as well. I have 3 or 4 close friends and don't have the time or inclination to make more. I am very sociable however and enjoy the more casual friendships that I have.

are your close friends local in NW DC? have you met them since you had kids? I'm just curious about this all.

Yes they are local, but I met them before having kids. I have a good friend from college that moved here recently. I have another good friend that I met in lawschool and now our families are friends, I have another friend who is the wife of a lawschool friend. Our families are also very close and we vacation together. Finally, I have a close friend that I met through work. We no longer work together but are still very close. I also have a number of casual friendships that involve getting together as couples. Oh and I have a two "mom" friends that I met through PACE three years ago. We see each other every month or so for a playdate.

thx! I have these sorts of very close friends (most are not local, one now is) as well and I also have the PACE friends that I see monthly but the difficulty I'm having is forging new friendships within the upper NW DC SAHM culture. I find that it's just all about amassing as many acquaintances as possible. I get it that many women (those who have been in DC for years or at least pre-kids) have enough established close friendships that they are fine with keeping mom friendships very superficial. However, across the board I find that a very common lament is "i wish I had a deeper friendship or a close friend". But trying to work at getting closer to other moms is so freaking hard in this environment. It's incredibly frustrating for those of us who operate best in a "have a small but close social circle" paradigm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:different perspective here. I also live in NW. I have made a bunch of friends in the neighborhood and you might call the friendships superficial - we are friends because our kids are the same age. we met at the park, music class, etc. I like them all, would help them in a pinch, expect they would do the same, etc. We try to be inclusive of any moms with kids our age, which makes the circle grow. But my 'true' friends are the ones that have been with me for a while, ones with whom I developed a close friendship either before kids (back in the days when I could really engage with a peer without being interrupted every 5 mins) or at work (for the same reason). I am fortunate that I have a couple of those people relatively locally, and the others I keep in touch with by phone, but frankly I just dont have the time or emotional room for more close friends - I have enough of those, I'm just looking for moms I like enough to do playdates with.

This is me as well. I have 3 or 4 close friends and don't have the time or inclination to make more. I am very sociable however and enjoy the more casual friendships that I have.

are your close friends local in NW DC? have you met them since you had kids? I'm just curious about this all.

Yes they are local, but I met them before having kids. I have a good friend from college that moved here recently. I have another good friend that I met in lawschool and now our families are friends, I have another friend who is the wife of a lawschool friend. Our families are also very close and we vacation together. Finally, I have a close friend that I met through work. We no longer work together but are still very close. I also have a number of casual friendships that involve getting together as couples. Oh and I have a two "mom" friends that I met through PACE three years ago. We see each other every month or so for a playdate.

thx! I have these sorts of very close friends (most are not local, one now is) as well and I also have the PACE friends that I see monthly but the difficulty I'm having is forging new friendships within the upper NW DC SAHM culture. I find that it's just all about amassing as many acquaintances as possible. I get it that many women (those who have been in DC for years or at least pre-kids) have enough established close friendships that they are fine with keeping mom friendships very superficial. However, across the board I find that a very common lament is "i wish I had a deeper friendship or a close friend". But trying to work at getting closer to other moms is so freaking hard in this environment. It's incredibly frustrating for those of us who operate best in a "have a small but close social circle" paradigm.

I guess I have never really felt lacking in friends b/c I WOHM so I barely have time to see the above plus my husband. But I can see how the SAHM culture can be difficult. On rare days when I am with my DD at the playground during the week, the moms seem very standoffish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:different perspective here. I also live in NW. I have made a bunch of friends in the neighborhood and you might call the friendships superficial - we are friends because our kids are the same age. we met at the park, music class, etc. I like them all, would help them in a pinch, expect they would do the same, etc. We try to be inclusive of any moms with kids our age, which makes the circle grow. But my 'true' friends are the ones that have been with me for a while, ones with whom I developed a close friendship either before kids (back in the days when I could really engage with a peer without being interrupted every 5 mins) or at work (for the same reason). I am fortunate that I have a couple of those people relatively locally, and the others I keep in touch with by phone, but frankly I just dont have the time or emotional room for more close friends - I have enough of those, I'm just looking for moms I like enough to do playdates with.

This is me as well. I have 3 or 4 close friends and don't have the time or inclination to make more. I am very sociable however and enjoy the more casual friendships that I have.

are your close friends local in NW DC? have you met them since you had kids? I'm just curious about this all.

Yes they are local, but I met them before having kids. I have a good friend from college that moved here recently. I have another good friend that I met in lawschool and now our families are friends, I have another friend who is the wife of a lawschool friend. Our families are also very close and we vacation together. Finally, I have a close friend that I met through work. We no longer work together but are still very close. I also have a number of casual friendships that involve getting together as couples. Oh and I have a two "mom" friends that I met through PACE three years ago. We see each other every month or so for a playdate.

I think you're my doppelganger! (I'm the original pp, you must be the 'me as well'). But yes - I have one good friend from college here (in NW DC), and a good friend from grade school just moved nearby; I also have a handful of law school friends here, and I went to law school with DS so those are "our" friends and therefore special in their own way. I also have a couple good friends at work that I met when I started here 5 years ago (before kids, if that matters). My 2 BFFs are from college and my 1st job out of college. Both live in California, and I talk to them as often as I can - they both have kids too so we relate on that level. I haven't really added any 'close' friends since having kids - I guess I just dont have the time. Between keeping in touch with the oldest and bestest, working, and spending time with DH (my true BFF) and kids, there just isn't any room to add more.

But I gather that the PP who is asking is a SAHM. I can imagine that if I SAH, my greatest wish would be to live near my BFFs. But honestly, it took a lifetime to gather this very small collection of true friends, and I would never expect to just wander out to the local park and pick up a couple more. That said, I have not experienced the shallow who-you-know culture at all, just a bunch of nice (and sometimes not so nice) moms who I find varying levels of interest and personal connection with but we all share something in common and so happily pass some hours together. I wish you better luck in your search.

[Anonymous]

I am fortunate that I have a couple of those people relatively locally, and the others I keep in touch with by phone, but frankly I just dont have the time or emotional room for more close friends - I have enough of those, I'm just looking for moms I like enough to do playdates with.


This is me as well. I have 3 or 4 close friends and don't have the time or inclination to make more. I am very sociable however and enjoy the more casual friendships that I have.

1. Do you live in upper NWDC? Merely curious, that's all.

2. Why? I am fascinated in a sincere, non-judging way about the stance in bold text above. I had a 'casual, chat at pickup' friend tell me the exact same thing to my face, without irony or guile: she doesn't want another friend. She's BTDT, and her dance card is complete. Nope. No more friends, she's just not inclined.

3. Regarding the "time" element ... would you guys say that whatever it is you are doing with your *discretionary* time (tennis, church, sitting on the soccer sidelines, Block Island, needlepoint ...) is measurably more fulfilling to you than another social relationship? I personally always notice that when a girlfriend says she has "no time" to XYZ, what she's actually saying is "well, I do have the time to XYZ, however I've decided to allot all that time to do ABC instead." Which is fine -- I just wonder if you PPs are actually saying that (rather than you get home from work at 10 pm and go straight to bed, and then do errands all weekend).

[Anonymous]

pp here - meant I went to law school with DH, hee hee.