in NW DC, are friendships all all about quantity over quality?

[Anonymous]

what does it take to make a GOOD friend in this town?

We moved to upper NW DC 3 years ago with a soon-to-be preschooler and a baby. We knew no-one. Initially I worked full time but have been home for just over two years. I am quite social and have really tried hard to make close friends (neighbors, mom groups, preschools, etc, etc) and after 3 years have a very wide social circle. However, outside of one person, I just can't seem to get anyone to commit to a close friendship. I have women lament to me all the time (spontaneously) "I wish I had a close friend" but then when the rubber hits the road, they are just all about having the broadest social circle possible and keeping 10 dozen relatively superficial friendships afloat. I get so, so tired of the "how do you know her? I know her too!" conversations and the feeling that everyone knows everyone (myself included) but no one is a really good friend.
Anyone else have this experience? I've never experienced this anywhere else I've lived.

[Anonymous]

OP, I hear you. Have lived in DC for 10+ years & am so over the surface relationships people seem fulfilled with. I had a moment last year where I pulled away from those friendships which were merely being kept afloat with superficial niceties. I have always been perplexed by how people in this town give so little up and keep people at arms' length. Truly one of the amazing and sad things about this this part of town.

[Anonymous]

DO you see how expensive it is to live in DC? People are always on the go, the top of the top live in NW DC and they didn't get there by being Mayberry social (except the trust funders). There is a lot of stress trying to keep up living in a multi-million dollar home, kids at STA/NCS, club fees at Burning Tree, beach house in Maine etc. and it permeates through the whole family. Wives are stressed to stay fit and trim for their bi-monthly love making session (or whenever else they make appointments to see their husbands) and kids are stressed trying to make it in to HYP. You want a slower more friendly pace move to NOVA, send your kid to public and then state college. Jesus, stop complaining already.

[Anonymous]

Well, 21:43 took this thread in an unexpected direction. OP, I have been lamenting the lack of a close friend for about six months or so. One day it just dawned on me that I really have not had a close friend for a while. Good friends but not necessarily close ones. I don't know about the quantity v quality dynamic - that is probably the case with some, but not all, women. Sometimes I think I am the one holding back, not necessarily the other way around.

[Anonymous]

different perspective here. I also live in NW. I have made a bunch of friends in the neighborhood and you might call the friendships superficial - we are friends because our kids are the same age. we met at the park, music class, etc. I like them all, would help them in a pinch, expect they would do the same, etc. We try to be inclusive of any moms with kids our age, which makes the circle grow. But my 'true' friends are the ones that have been with me for a while, ones with whom I developed a close friendship either before kids (back in the days when I could really engage with a peer without being interrupted every 5 mins) or at work (for the same reason). I am fortunate that I have a couple of those people relatively locally, and the others I keep in touch with by phone, but frankly I just dont have the time or emotional room for more close friends - I have enough of those, I'm just looking for moms I like enough to do playdates with.

[Anonymous]

Ditto here. I'm a friendly outgoing person and I have on kinda close friend who lives in Bethesda. Many old friends from younger days in DC but everyone is busy with their lives. We check in w/ each other about once a month.
Frankly, this is why I keep going to therapy so that I can have a completely "real" conversation once a week. Sad but true.

[Anonymous]

*one*

[Anonymous]

While I would not say it quite the same way, I think 21:43 nails the essence of the problem.

-- signed, 15 yr resident of upper NW

[Anonymous]

22:04 - you got it. Sorry OP, I know what you mean entirely. Friendships seem to be some sort of score keeping here. It really sucks. We have met some disgustingly (no exagerration) competitive parents who we want no where near our kids (again no exagerration), unfortunately. Their kids are too much like them, on top of it.

I know it is just a matter of time before the maybe its you or grammar police or then leave or some other miserable SOB in denial poster shows up. I just wanted to tell you you are not alone, OP.

It's really difficult when you are home with your LOs just trying to get through the days sometimes. It would be nice to have a normal person to talk to instead of someone who is so overmedicated (sorry "oblivious", wink wink) they don't notice their LO teething on the poisonous ant trap, for example. Holy sh*t!

PP, good for you for talking to your therapist. Whatever works.

When we go to our home states, we adore seeing our old friends and catching up. Its just so different here, and not for the better. Is it too much to ask to hang out with people who are truly accomplished but not full of themselves, shallow or competitive? I really don't need to spend any more time with someone who claims not to care about labels or whatever, yet so obviously does. They will never be happy, why don't they face it?

[Anonymous]

I've had a totally different experience. Since my DC started preschool 4 years ago, I have made very good, close friends, with whom I talk at least once a week and get together with frequently. We rely on each other in lots of ways, volunteer for school stuff together, spend holidays together, etc. And our children aren't Even in school together anymore. I think I've gotten lucky I guess, but I've also put a lot of time and effort into these friendships and I expect them to be lifelong.

[Anonymous]

OP - your post could have been written by me. I have lived in this area for ten years now and I still feel exactly the same way. However, I have been attributing my lack of close friendships with some personal intimacy problem I had - so on one level, this thread makes me feel better because it is clearly more of a widespread problem in DC generally. And 21:43, your post cracked me up - hilarious - laugh out funny!

[Anonymous]

22:41 where do you live? DC, VA or MD?

[Anonymous]

22:41 here. I live in NWDC. And I am a WOHM, as are my friends, so I don't have a lot of time either.

[Anonymous]

I also have been here a long time. I agree with so much of what's been written. This arms-length acquaintanceship is oddly fascinating to me. Before DC, I had always been someone who made friends easily and who often developed deep friendships. Not in NWDC! I realized that I was ready, willing and able to "show up" for DC friends and help them, be a trustworthy confidante, be fun/funny, etc. and you know what: nada! Lots of blow-offs, insincere chit-chat, probing questions to determine status, wealth, "power friends" etc.
The more I've seen, the more I think there are many, many NWDC women who are just really unhappy and stressed. I particularly notice this after returning from an trip and seeing it all a-new. My theory is that many DC women married the "safe" guy and are living the "safe" and "good" life -- but not necessarily the passion filled life of fulfillment that might make a person happy, engaging and open to people and friendship. I guess the lesson is: keep on being a nice, fun person and keep looking for a needle in a haystack. These posts show others are looking too.

[Anonymous]

I too live in NWDC (Kent) and I wonder how many of you I know.