in NW DC, are friendships all all about quantity over quality?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

3. Regarding the "time" element ... would you guys say that whatever it is you are doing with your *discretionary* time (tennis, church, sitting on the soccer sidelines, Block Island, needlepoint ...) is measurably more fulfilling to you than another social relationship? I personally always notice that when a girlfriend says she has "no time" to XYZ, what she's actually saying is "well, I do have the time to XYZ, however I've decided to allot all that time to do ABC instead." Which is fine -- I just wonder if you PPs are actually saying that (rather than you get home from work at 10 pm and go straight to bed, and then do errands all weekend).

Yes, in a manner of speaking, although I think I would answer this slightly differently (not the pp you quoted but one of the others with a similar thread, and yes, I do live in NW DC). What I mean is that (notwithstanding the 20 minutes I have killed at work reading this thread ) I do not have enough time for the people in my life that I already love to bits. I wish I could spend more time talking to my BFFs who live far away, have more time during the day (at the office) to meet DH for lunch, have more time to plan get-togethers with my friends from college or grade school who live nearby. Adding another 'close' friend would take time that I would rather spend with people who have already withstood the test of time, not to mention that true friends are few and far between and take some time to audition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I am fortunate that I have a couple of those people relatively locally, and the others I keep in touch with by phone, but frankly I just dont have the time or emotional room for more close friends - I have enough of those, I'm just looking for moms I like enough to do playdates with.


This is me as well. I have 3 or 4 close friends and don't have the time or inclination to make more. I am very sociable however and enjoy the more casual friendships that I have.

1. Do you live in upper NWDC? Merely curious, that's all.

2. Why? I am fascinated in a sincere, non-judging way about the stance in bold text above. I had a 'casual, chat at pickup' friend tell me the exact same thing to my face, without irony or guile: she doesn't want another friend. She's BTDT, and her dance card is complete. Nope. No more friends, she's just not inclined.

3. Regarding the "time" element ... would you guys say that whatever it is you are doing with your *discretionary* time (tennis, church, sitting on the soccer sidelines, Block Island, needlepoint ...) is measurably more fulfilling to you than another social relationship? I personally always notice that when a girlfriend says she has "no time" to XYZ, what she's actually saying is "well, I do have the time to XYZ, however I've decided to allot all that time to do ABC instead." Which is fine -- I just wonder if you PPs are actually saying that (rather than you get home from work at 10 pm and go straight to bed, and then do errands all weekend).

I'm the second PP. Yes, I do live in NW, Barnaby Woods. I guess I shouldn't have said I wasn't inclined, its just not a priority. I have multiple close friends and couple friends in the area and two sets of family. I also hardly ever get to see my husband, so for me to make the effort for someone to become more than a casual friend, there would have to be an immediate connection, and honestly they would probably have to make the first move, i.e., call me to meet for coffee, a run, etc.. Oh, I also WOHM, so my free time is limited. I would love to find some moms in the neighborhood to have playdates with on weekday afternoons, but my weekends are pretty full with DH, kids, my close friends, my couple friends, both our families, and a workout when I can fit it in.

[Anonymous]

I would love to have more friends. I'd have people to go to lunch with, and occasionally out for drinks with. We could have my friend and her family over for dinner. We had a few of those relationships going but then the kids got older and into activities, and none of our "friends" has time or energy anymore for evening entertaining. They are happy if we do all the hosting, but I'm not into that type of one way friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would love to have more friends. I'd have people to go to lunch with, and occasionally out for drinks with. We could have my friend and her family over for dinner. We had a few of those relationships going but then the kids got older and into activities, and none of our "friends" has time or energy anymore for evening entertaining. They are happy if we do all the hosting, but I'm not into that type of one way friendship.

and see, I already have plenty of those and not enough time to see them - every time I try to schedule something with one of them we end up looking 3 months out!

Just a shot in the dark here, but I wonder if the NW DC connection is that 1) the moms up there tend to be on the older side, so have had time to build friendships locally before having kids, and 2) also tend to be well-educated, as in from elite colleges, which makes it more likely that they have old friends/classmates in town. Maybe this just describes me, but I am actually shocked at how many people are here from my college and grad school, and I am more likely to be drawn to people I have known for 15+ years than to the new folks.

[Anonymous]

I live in NOVA and have the same problems. I have lots of friends I can call in a carpool pinch, but not in a real crisis. It really hit home when an acquaintance's husband died of a heart attack a while ago. She was telling me how all her good friends picked up the pieces and planned everything for the funeral, etc. I realized that I had no-one who would do this for me and all of our family lives far away. It made me very sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I live in NOVA and have the same problems. I have lots of friends I can call in a carpool pinch, but not in a real crisis. It really hit home when an acquaintance's husband died of a heart attack a while ago. She was telling me how all her good friends picked up the pieces and planned everything for the funeral, etc. I realized that I had no-one who would do this for me and all of our family lives far away. It made me very sad.

you might be surprised at who would pitch in. there are lots of people I truly care about and would help in a pinch but I still dont have time to cultivate a friendship that runs as deep as my old friendships do. I've been pleasantly surprised at how many people have offered to be my midnight babysitter when I go into labor with #2. And I would do the same for them. Sometimes we all just need to look out for one another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I live in NOVA and have the same problems. I have lots of friends I can call in a carpool pinch, but not in a real crisis. It really hit home when an acquaintance's husband died of a heart attack a while ago. She was telling me how all her good friends picked up the pieces and planned everything for the funeral, etc. I realized that I had no-one who would do this for me and all of our family lives far away. It made me very sad.

I'm sorry to hear this. If my Dh died unexpectedly, I'd just do it all myself, I wouldn't rely on people to help me. Maybe that's why I don't have more friends - I assume everyone can handle their own lives.

[Anonymous]

I live in upper NW and would love to make some friends. I have lovely friends locally but it would be nice to have friends nearby to talk about the New Yorker, for last minute dinners, playdates, drinks, walks, runs, etc. I WOH so I have no idea when I am supposed to meet these people. Weekends are already mostly booked--either out of town plans, errands, and seeing friends and family. So I do agree with the PP about just not having the time to make/keep new friends. I have tried the playground... but am stumped.

[Anonymous]

As unbelievable as it may seem, there is at least one family in Kent who strongly prefers public school. But I am an economist who considers only a few private schools worth the money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I live in upper NW and would love to make some friends. I have lovely friends locally but it would be nice to have friends nearby to talk about the New Yorker, for last minute dinners, playdates, drinks, walks, runs, etc. I WOH so I have no idea when I am supposed to meet these people. Weekends are already mostly booked--either out of town plans, errands, and seeing friends and family. So I do agree with the PP about just not having the time to make/keep new friends. I have tried the playground... but am stumped.

This seems contradictory - and I say this truly in the spirit of finding this discussion fascinating, not trying to be bitchy. Your weekends are already mostly booked so you dont have time to make/keep new friends, so when would you find time to talk about the new yorker or have playdates or walks?

What exactly are you looking for? Is what you want a list of people you could call if you found yourself surprisingly without plans one saturday afternoon, or someone cancelled on you, or something? and you want those people to be 'friends,' but you dont have time to cultivate the friendship? If so, this is precisely my group of casual mom friends that I think OP is aggravated about. I might text a couple of them saying 'we're headed to the playground, any interest?' and see what comes of it. FWIW, I did find them on the playgrounds and the like, but someone has to be willing to 'make the first move.' For example, there's a woman in my neighborhood who has a kid my age, whom I know just from 'around' and really like, but it never went any further, because it's awkward to just ask some woman for her number! I finally just asked a mutual acquaintance for her email and invited her to our memorial day bbq. Now we have one another's email addresses, and if she likes me too hopefully she'll invite me to her kid's birthday party or whatever and we'll be off to the races.

[Anonymous]

Dear OP, I feel like I could have written your post. I too live in NW DC and have been here for almost ten years...and it is sad that I do not have the close "girlfriends" from my hometown. I was starting to wonder if in my thirties it is too late for me to make a deep friendship. Well, perhaps those of us who seek this should have a meet up for a girls coffee!

[Anonymous]

We sit home 3 Saturdays out of 4.

[Anonymous]

PP 12:28-- I can see how contradictory my post comes across. I was trying to point out that perhaps people aren't necessarily snobby, it is just that they aren't available because they are busy. And that it is hard to meet people, so I was trying to commiserate.

Having lived in various places across the country and this area (various parts of NW, SE, NE, VA, etc), I reluctantly have to admit that I am not finding upper NW that friendly, so far. But, I think you cool,friendly, interesting upper NW parents are out there. I really do.

And, I am not looking for 2nd string type of friends, just people whom I'd feel comfortable randomly calling up/emailing to do something and not having to make plans 3 months out or through evite.

Are you OP? It is not clear because you use "my group of casual mom friends" and "OP" in the same sentence.

[Anonymous]

Do men care about this shit?

[Anonymous]

"probing questions to determine status, wealth, "power friends" etc."


YES! YES! YES! So true. In other words, I don't look like I have money, but then after certain things come about, it's OOOOOHHHHHHHHH..........And they stumble over themselves trying to figure things out. It's pretty funny. At first it seems to screen people out, but even then, in time there still proves to be no down to earth people here. So sad. I don't care what bag you are carrying or how big your diamonds are or whatever.So I only screened out the people who LOOK constipated, apparently! How disappointing.

I don't want to sound like Lake Woe Be Gone, but it really does suck, no matter who you are. So plastic.

Can someone please tell me me why people are so GD nosy? It's really annoying. Why so rude? I am sincerely curious.