accepting your workaholic husband - bberry addiction?

[Anonymous]

"21:11 is also right. Most of these wives sure love the perks of being with a high-powered man. But the moment being a high-powered man means he has to drop something at home, out comes the whining. "

Sooo true. They love to brag and complain.

[Anonymous]

You make six figures working 30 hours a week? Hmmm really?

If he makes so much quit your job, spend his money, and stop complaining.

Do you know how many people would put up with the BB usage to not worry about money? Ugh typical spoiled mommy. You chose to marry him knowing he would probably have a high powered demanding career now deal with it.

[Anonymous]

OP here -- yup i work 30 hours a week and make six figures. As do many other attorneys who left top law firms for more family-friendly jobs at govt or smaller firms. It's really not unusual around here at all.
To the PP who asked -- when I met DH we were 20 years old. I didn't know then that things would turn out like this. I did see things going in this direction a few years back.....we talked about him leaving....still occasionally talked about it up until probably a year ago. Now it is most likely too late.

I definitely see how many people would think this was an ok trade-off -- the money making up for the lack of availability. All i can say to that is 1) different strokes for different folks; and 2) I think it is hard to say you would take this arrangement until you have done it. It can be really isolating, and no amount of money can change that.

Despite having seen many, many ugly DCUM threads, I have to say I was surprised to see people be so hard on me. I guess I should know better. I was looking for some advice, and I did get some, so for that I am grateful. I needed to be honest to get useful advice -- and the fact that we have a high HHI is of course extremely relevant to the issue at hand -- so I came out and said that. I would never say something like that in real life, of course. I knew it would make some people act harshly towards me, as it did.
Anyway, thanks to those who tried to help. I think I will avoid checking back in, as all this has done is make me feel much worse

[Anonymous]

OP - let us know when you divorce this jackass. You and your kids deserve much better.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP- ok I read your post and I'm sorry. My previous post was not very sympathetic towards your situation and I know you were just venting! We all need to sometimes.

I think its just because it came across as complaining and it seems other then the Blackberry you have a good stable income and life so I think it makes people a little jealous (yes) and they cannot understand the complaints if you have money. But we all have complaints and Im sure its very frustrating dealing with this issue.

Just think though, its annoying but if you and your family are happy and healthy thats the real things that matter. Sorry again and hang in there!

[Anonymous]

OP, just ignore the "you're a spoiled whiny SAH trophy wife" and "if you were really important you'd need to be connected to your BB by IV too" posts. Those posters are just trying to push your buttons. Your posts make clear that you are not irrationally asking your doctor husband to let his patients die rather than interrupt dinner. You very justifiably want your husband to be mentally present with his family for brief periods of time. I don't have any actual advice for you, just sympathy, because this sounds like a frustrating and lonely way to live.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would start really, really small. Like no blackberry for the first 10 minutes of dinner, while the kids tell him about their day, and no blackberry while he reads each kid one bedtime story--and he's allowed to pick a short one--and no blackberry for a 10 minutes conversation with you each night after kids are in bed. That seems unbelievably small, but it's obvious that he's really, really addicted. Let him know that he is welcome to excuse himself to answer an email as soon as the timer dings. I would also let him know that this time (a total of around 30 non-consecutive minutes each day) is a deal-breaker. Tell him what you've told us: " I appreciate that you work hard and that we all benefit from that, and I don't mind the long hours, and even a reasonable amount of work/life issues, but I need you to make me and our children a priority for at least this amount each day. Something has to change because you literally couldn't pay me enough to stay in this relationship as it is."

[Anonymous]

OP, does he understand why this is upsetting to you? Is he able to focus on you long enough to have a conversation about it? You mentioned you'd tried counseling--did he use the blackberry in the counselor's office, and did the counselor have anything to say about it?

It does sound to me like an addiction. I'm surprised at all the argument about whether his job necessitates this. It's pretty clear that it doesn't (no job does).

If it were me, I think I would do some reading about addiction to better understand it, and learn some tips. I too would probably start REALLY small--like, he waits a minute after a message comes in before looking at the blackberry. Or he turns it off for 1-2 minutes at a time.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I hope you're still on because I'm just reading this and I'm blown away but the number of people who think this is acceptable and you're just whiny. He has an addiction plain and simple and it is definitely not okay. You need to try to sit him down (without that stupid BB) and outline was is acceptable to you. There are very few jobs that require that kind of checking in and you deserve some time too. I've gotten angry and bitter over the years at the fact that we can't go on a stupid one week vacation without some sort of work interference. Back in the day - before smart phones and laptops - it really was possible to disengage. I refuse to believe (despite all evidence to the contrary) that it is still not possible.