accepting your workaholic husband - bberry addiction?

[Anonymous]

To 21:19 -- I work a typical 10 hour day. Which means that I can turn off the bb between leaving the office and after dinner. And, after checking post dinner, for 90 minutes while I attend to my family. If you think being unavailable for a total of three non-consecutive hours each night is crazy, well, I feel sorry for your family.

Also, when an emergency happens, someone from my staff would telephone me. If the only way someone tried to contact me in an emergency was by email, that person would be looking for a new job.

[Anonymous]

Just because you are unimportant, it doesn't mean everyone is. It does bug me, however, when SAHM's live the good life because of their DH's high-powered job, and then spend all their time whining about how hard he works. If you're willing to move to a condo and take the kids out of private school and sell the house on the Outer Banks, then by all means, have that discussion with him. But most people who make that kind of money have enough pressure on them. They don't need you making them feel like a failure because they can't be a superstar at work and at home. Keep it up and he'll find someone who does appreciate him.


OP here -- I am not a "SAHM" living the good life and I am not "bored." As I wrote in my original post, I have a job where I make six figures. Of course we have a comfortable life but I am contributing to that too -- both by my salary, even though it is much less, but also by the fact that I run the household and take care of the children when I am not at work. I work 30 hours a week and do 100% of the childcare duties when I am not working. But that is not what I am complaining about -- I understand that I took that on when I went part-time, and I chose that and like it. I just DON'T like that DH is never, ever, engaged with us. Not during the few dinners we have together, not during the few school events he attends, not at 10 pm, not ever. He would NEVER let a message wait, as a PP suggested. I have asked for 7 pm-8pm with no blackberry. He said no. We have "date night" -- he leaves the bberry on the table at the restaurant and looks at it as messages come in, and types responses. Frequently.
And yes, of course I have a blackberry from my office too, but I don't check it at home except once or twice.

I like a PPs suggestion of having a set time, and as I said, i did try it, but maybe I will try again. Maybe even start with a half hour.
Thanks to those who commiserated and/or had suggestions.
I'm glad to know I am not alone.

[Anonymous]

OMG. That used to be my husband (luckily he lost that job and has recovered). The worst part would be that I would be mid-sentence, and his blackberry would vibrate and he'd have to check it. It is totally disrespectful. How canyou ignore someone for an e-mail. I don't get it. It's a freaking e-mail. It does not have to be checked immediately! He claimed he couldn't turn off the vibrate and he couldn't ignore. I really don't think our marriage would have made it if he had continued with that job.

If I were you, I'd highly suggest having some blackberry free time. I don't mean hours and hours on end. I mean 30 minutes. Like no b-berry during meals. Or no b-berry during kid's book time. Not sure what his job is - clearly if he is a doctor on call - the rules shouldn't apply. But I cannot imagine any job - where the person has to be constantly on. I do know plenty of people who would like to think they are that important. If he doesn't agree to that, I would consider hiding it - or taking the battery out - or something drastic enough to make him realize how dependent he was (and if that doesn't change him, I'd call in the therapist)>

And I am not a SAHM. I work and have a blackberry which I do check at night, after my son has gone to bed, and I not in a conversation with my husband.

[Anonymous]

OP here -- I am not a "SAHM" living the good life and I am not "bored." As I wrote in my original post, I have a job where I make six figures. Of course we have a comfortable life but I am contributing to that too -- both by my salary, even though it is much less, but also by the fact that I run the household and take care of the children when I am not at work. I work 30 hours a week and do 100% of the childcare duties when I am not working. But that is not what I am complaining about -- I understand that I took that on when I went part-time, and I chose that and like it. I just DON'T like that DH is never, ever, engaged with us. Not during the few dinners we have together, not during the few school events he attends, not at 10 pm, not ever. He would NEVER let a message wait, as a PP suggested. I have asked for 7 pm-8pm with no blackberry. He said no. We have "date night" -- he leaves the bberry on the table at the restaurant and looks at it as messages come in, and types responses. Frequently.
And yes, of course I have a blackberry from my office too, but I don't check it at home except once or twice.

I like a PPs suggestion of having a set time, and as I said, i did try it, but maybe I will try again. Maybe even start with a half hour.
Thanks to those who commiserated and/or had suggestions.
I'm glad to know I am not alone.

Let me tell you a story. I dated a man who was a night owl, I'm a morning person. I asked him three or four times not to call me after a certain time. He continued to call late. I started ignoring his calls. When we did finally connect, he expressed regret that he didn't get around to calling me earlier and said he'd try harder. But he never did, and we broke up (for other reasons of course). My point is that if your DH really and truly wanted to engage, he would, just like my former boyfriend would have if he'd really valued our relationship.

[Anonymous]

8:12 is right. Hubby probably needs to reply within 30-45 minutes in the evenings and maybe a couple of hours on the weekends. On the other hand, constantly being on it is an excuse to not engage with his family. If this means a couple hours carved as "Blackberry-free time" so be it.

21:11 is also right. Most of these wives sure love the perks of being with a high-powered man. But the moment being a high-powered man means he has to drop something at home, out comes the whining.

22:04 is also right -- in a REAL emergency, someone from a group of say 4-5 co-workers can call this person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just because you are unimportant, it doesn't mean everyone is.

REALLY important people aren't leashed to a blackberry. Their minions are.

[Anonymous]

I say no sex until he learns some limits on the BB. He's addicted. No one needs to be on it that much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just because you are unimportant, it doesn't mean everyone is.

REALLY important people aren't leashed to a blackberry. Their minions are.

This is not true, unless the really important person is over 65 (and even then, it's not true in all cases). Most VIPs I know would rather their minions reach them by blackberry than by phone. The trick is that very few people have their email address.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just because you are unimportant, it doesn't mean everyone is.

REALLY important people aren't leashed to a blackberry. Their minions are.

This is not true, unless the really important person is over 65 (and even then, it's not true in all cases). Most VIPs I know would rather their minions reach them by blackberry than by phone. The trick is that very few people have their email address.

They have BB's, but they don't have to stay glued to them at all times in case they are beckoned. They do the beckoning. I'm not talking about some workaday law firm partner who thinks she's important but has to bow and scrape to clients. I'm talking about CEOs, heads of State, Cabinet Secretaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just because you are unimportant, it doesn't mean everyone is.

REALLY important people aren't leashed to a blackberry. Their minions are.

This is not true, unless the really important person is over 65 (and even then, it's not true in all cases). Most VIPs I know would rather their minions reach them by blackberry than by phone. The trick is that very few people have their email address.

They have BB's, but they don't have to stay glued to them at all times in case they are beckoned. They do the beckoning. I'm not talking about some workaday law firm partner who thinks she's important but has to bow and scrape to clients. I'm talking about CEOs, heads of State, Cabinet Secretaries.

So am I. I work for one. Who I contact on blackberry. As I did the last one I worked for. As I said, only a handful of people have the email address for the blackberry. When it goes off, the VIP knows it is one of the handful of people who have the address. We do not abuse the privilege, so they do know that if they get an email at 11:00 p.m., it is important, and they check it. I have found this to be universally true of all VIPs I know under the age of 65 or 70.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

So am I. I work for one. Who I contact on blackberry. As I did the last one I worked for. As I said, only a handful of people have the email address for the blackberry. When it goes off, the VIP knows it is one of the handful of people who have the address. We do not abuse the privilege, so they do know that if they get an email at 11:00 p.m., it is important, and they check it. I have found this to be universally true of all VIPs I know under the age of 65 or 70.

Sad how these people rely on their jobs for their feeling of self-worth.
Ultimately you get the job, the spouse, and the life you deserve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most people do not have jobs that require them to be on the BB as much as they are. People think they are that important and that the things being sent to it are that critical. But they are not. People are addicted to the constant new stream of messages coming into it.

He may say that he needs to be on it 24/7, but that's a lie. It's sad how addictive smart phones have become.

There are some people who are just addicted, but there are lots of people in this town who do need to be constantly looking at their blackberry. They may not BE President or a Cabinet Officer or a Senator, but all of those people have people who work for them who are expected to be on call pretty much 24/7. Congress is often in session and/or negotiating at all hours, so anyone who is in a connected business (lawyers/lobbyists) also need to be aware if what's going on and reachable at any time. Clients of big law firms pay big bucks and, in return, expect to be able to reach their lawyer at any time.

Just because you are unimportant, it doesn't mean everyone is. It does bug me, however, when SAHM's live the good life because of their DH's high-powered job, and then spend all their time whining about how hard he works. If you're willing to move to a condo and take the kids out of private school and sell the house on the Outer Banks, then by all means, have that discussion with him. But most people who make that kind of money have enough pressure on them. They don't need you making them feel like a failure because they can't be a superstar at work and at home. Keep it up and he'll find someone who does appreciate him.

BS - As a partner at a large law firm I can tell you I was able to avoid reading every email as soon as it came into my phone. It is pretty simple to be unplugged for an hour EVERY evening you are home to tend to family matters. Just as it is very easy to only check emails three times a day during the weekend or days-off instead of every time a message arrives. Now that I am in government, the same rules apply. When something is happening that would require an immediate response from me, I'm at the office.

This is my routine. Before I leave for home, I check. After dinner, I check. Before I turn in for the night, I check. Most messages can wait until the morning. If the client is asking a question that would take more than a minute to answer via an email from my phone, then they either need me to call (rare) or it can wait until the morning when I can be at my desk to provide a full answer.

So you used to be a partner at a large law firm? I rest my case. Sounds like you have a very run of the mill 9-5 government job now. Good for you. So does the Secretary of the agency you work for have that luxury? Or his Chief of Staff? When the Deepwater Horizon blew, did everyone at the Department of Interior say "it can wait until morning?"

Sure, people have crisis times at work when they may need to be in constant contact, but that seems quite different from what OP is talking about. I have a friend who drives everyone crazy at work with his inability to focus on client matters for any period of time because he is always, always, checking his email. He is a very good lawyer but has always had difficulties focusing. Having instant access to his email has made it so much worse. He's been counseled by more senior partners, but truly seems addicted to the email. All of which is to say that OP's husband may be similar.

Separately, why do people keep saying OP should not take issue with this behavior because her husband makes more money than she does? She was very straightforward in acknowledging that her husband makes a lot of money, and that it's related to his working a lot. Why do people assume that she collectively made a decision with him that the money is worth what it is doing to his (and by extension her and their kids') lives? If my husband announced that he was going to work more and never be available, and that I have not basis to complain because he'll make more money, I'd be pissed. It's not a decision that can be made unilaterally. And if a couple does make a decision collectively that turns out to be really, really bad for their family, one of the adults likely needs to be the person to initiate change. I just don't understand what OP has done wrong.

Also, I've served in a Chief of Staff role (same authorities but different title in an international organization), and worked for many years at a top tier law firm. Same for husband, though he's had more senior positions. Neither of us has ever, ever, been tied to our blackberries the way OP describes. Sure, we've had crisis times, but that's not every day, and, if it's really a crisis, people just give us a call.

[Anonymous]

Most people do not have jobs that require them to be on the BB as much as they are. People think they are that important and that the things being sent to it are that critical. But they are not. People are addicted to the constant new stream of messages coming into it.

He may say that he needs to be on it 24/7, but that's a lie. It's sad how addictive smart phones have become.
[Report Post]

This is so freaking true. Seriously. I work in national security - and I am terribly important. But I don't even have a black berry. And I make well into the six figures.

Your husband is on his BB because he prefers it over interacting with his family. It is that simple.

Even POTUS can put down his BB for dinner with his family each night, and your husband ain't POTUS.

To the PP who thinks you really need to be on your bb that often, you are silly and full of yourself. Yes people need to be reachable during an emergency. But legislation was passed before smart phone existed. People made money and lobbied for their bills on the hill before the internet was even around. Stop kidding yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Most people do not have jobs that require them to be on the BB as much as they are. People think they are that important and that the things being sent to it are that critical. But they are not. People are addicted to the constant new stream of messages coming into it.

He may say that he needs to be on it 24/7, but that's a lie. It's sad how addictive smart phones have become.
[Report Post]

This is so freaking true. Seriously. I work in national security - and I am terribly important. But I don't even have a black berry. And I make well into the six figures.

Your husband is on his BB because he prefers it over interacting with his family. It is that simple.

Even POTUS can put down his BB for dinner with his family each night, and your husband ain't POTUS.

To the PP who thinks you really need to be on your bb that often, you are silly and full of yourself. Yes people need to be reachable
during an emergency. But legislation was passed before smart phone existed. People made money and lobbied for their bills on the hill
before the internet was even around. Stop kidding yourself.

Comgress passed Legislation when people rode horses to work. I guess we really don't need modern transportation.

You obviously haven't been in that line of work anytime lately.

The person who had my job before the smartphone era stayed in the office until 9:00 or 10:00 almost every night. I can go home and have dinner with my family. If the price is checking my blackberry when it goes off (about twice an hour), that's ok with me. If I didn't check it, I wouldn't have my job very long. That's not silly to me.

[Anonymous]

Comgress passed Legislation when people rode horses to work. I guess we really don't need modern transportation.

You obviously haven't been in that line of work anytime lately.

The person who had my job before the smartphone era stayed in the office until 9:00 or 10:00 almost every night. I can go home and have dinner with my family. If the price is checking my blackberry when it goes off (about twice an hour), that's ok with me. If I didn't check it, I wouldn't have my job very long. That's not silly to me.

No one is saying you don't have to check your blackberry occasionally. But being glued to it like OP's DH? That is unnecessary. I doubt you'd be fired if it took you more than 5 minutes to respond to every single e-mail that lands in your inbox after hours.

I have been in national security for over 10 years - thus the high salary and responsibility level. And no - most of us don't have black berries.

Your argument about long hours does nothing to persuade me. The person who held my job before me worked 60+ hours per week. On a good night, she'd go home at 9 PM. For the life of me I can't figure out what she did all day. I leave at 5PM most days. I work over time maybe once a month. And I do way more than she ever did in terms of production. I shadowed her for a week when I replaced her, and best I can tell she was just in over her head. It would take her 30-40 minutes to craft a 3 sentence response e-mail to someone. She'd agonize over the word choice and her cc list for hours. I can fire off the same thing in 30 seconds.

So . . . just because someone works long hours doesn't mean they are important or doing valuable work. Might just mean they are incredibly inefficient and in over their head.