I know not every parent believes in "Physically Disciplining" your child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Where do you live, if you don't mind my asking?

I ask this because I live in DC and travel a lot, and the only time I see widespread behavior of the type you're talking about, it's in "Real America" among the "Heartland Voters" who embody "Real American Values".

[dedicateddad]

I live in Bethesda and this was at Walter Johnson high school and at the CVS in Wildwood shopping center on Old Georgetown Rd. I see this behavior on nearly a daily basis but I grew up in a military family and am very focused on respect....I have a feeling if I was less focused then I wouldn't notice it as much.

[Anonymous]

dedicateddad wrote:I see these kids on a daily basis. Today there was a girl in the CVS with her mother when I went in. She called her mom a shithead or something like that in front of 20 people...in the same store there was this girl probably abut 11-12 dressed so whorish I couldn't believe it....right next to her mother who looked like a perfectly normal person. The little girl started yelling at her mom because she wouldn't buy her the Juicy perfume and was making a huge scene. She actually threw herself down on the ground (which I thought kids outgrew by 11-12 more like 5 or 6) and her shorts were so short I could have seen whatever I wanted to if I wasn't a good person. I went to my nephews high school football game and there was a whole group of kids picking on a smaller group of kids in front of us and being real assholes and saying wildly inappropriate things evern though there were really young kids nearby. Then there was a group of kids spray painting on the wall behind the shopping center. The important message they felt everyone needed to read....."CUNT"

Well, I do live in a neighborhood with kids like this, even if others don't. Kids that litter indiscriminately, kids that scream curse words loudly and constantly, kids that threaten and hurt other kids and even adults. But, you know what, I bet you money that these kids are beaten at home. Now, I don't know if they act that way BECAUSE they are beaten but I've certainly seen quite a few get smacked hard in public. Whether or not these kids get hit does not determine their behavior. Your family, OP, gave you a lot more than just some wacks. That other "something" is what these kids are missing. I'm not talking touchy feely stuff either. Stability, standards, expectations. The question really isn't physically discipline. It's everything else.

[dedicateddad]

I agree that it wasn't just the fact that they hit me that I learned how to act but I know that was what I responded to most regularly. If I caught a bad one and got the belt I never did it again. If I got caught and talked to about it, I was just more careful about not getting caught next time....and I think that behavior is worse because I knew it was wrong, chose to do it anyway and even premeditated ways to avoid getting caught...double rebellion. The rest of the wonderful life I was given helped shape me as well but I can only imagine how much worse it could have been if it weren't for that good old fashioned healthy fear of repercussions.

[Anonymous]

I can only imagine how much worse it could have been if it weren't for that good old fashioned healthy fear of repercussions.

Who says the children of parents who aren't physical don't have and fear repercussions. I agree with PP: whenever I see a kid that's completely out of control in DC, the "mother" is usually screaming obscenities at them, or yanking their sibling around, or being physically abusive.

I guess you could flip the question on its head and ask, why are kids that are punished physically now turning out to be little monsters? Because I'd bet you dollars to doughnuts that the little monsters you're describing get regular doses of physical punishment at home.

[dedicateddad]

What exactly are these little snots supposed to FEAR? Not playing their Xbox? Taking away their phones? Sure I guess those are repercussions technically but come on...

[Anonymous]

If your kid is motivated by fear, you're doing it wrong. Just sayin'. I'm always confused by parents who "demand respect" from their kids, and back it up by force of violence.

You earn respect; it's not given to you, and you don't beat it into someone. Not even your kid. Hell, as a Marine I'd think you'd get that.

[dedicateddad]

I have the respect of my children...and they were physically disciplined when they stepped out of line. They are 14 now and I don't think I've had an occasion to raise a hand to them in well over a year. They have more freedoms than many of their contemporaries because they have earned my trust with their positive behavior. I showed them structure, I showed them the value of never doing less than your best, and I taught them that sometimes if you do the wrong thing there are consequences for their actions. I was brought up similarly and love my family. They didn't abuse me and I was never hit when I didn't deserve it. In fact when I think back on my upbringing it seems like I was almost forcing my father to whoop my ass. But now I see the fruits of that in my own kids. Respectful, strong, intelligent and their intentions are good.

[dedicateddad]

I have a hard time believing taking away their toys or making them sit on the stairs and have a time out would have taught them much of anything...I sure hope that my kids take these lessons I'm teaching them into the future and they whoop their kids asses too!

[Anonymous]

If you served in the military, you've misunderstood the lessons of discipline. Think of the person you respected the most in your service. Did you obey that person because you were afraid they were going to hit you? Or because you wanted to earn and keep their respect. Being a parent is about being worthy of respect. You earn that. Beatings are a cheap facsimile of the process of earning respect.

[Anonymous]

dedicateddad wrote:They are 14 now and I don't think I've had an occasion to raise a hand to them in well over a year. They have more freedoms than many of their contemporaries because they have earned my trust with their positive behavior. I showed them structure, I showed them the value of never doing less than your best, and I taught them that sometimes if you do the wrong thing there are consequences for their actions.

Two thoughts: First, there's a very good chance you've just taught them to hide their transgressions more effectively. Second, if you're teaching them there are *physical* consequences for their actions, you're not teaching them much. Much better to let them experience the logical consequences of their actions. Down the road, why not cheat on your wife (or embezzle company money)? It's not like someone's going to beat you up for it.

[dedicateddad]

Who the fuck are you to tell me I didn't learn my lessons in service? I obeyed that person because I knew that if I didn't that the punishment would be much worse than the desired behavior. Whether that was physical punishment like being smacked in the head or physical punishment like running for 1000000000 hours straight. I didn't want the punishment and it became a badge of honor for me (figuratively) to know that my performance and behavior was satisfying my officers and I was doing a good job for the Corps. Suck my dick.

[dedicateddad]

Anonymous wrote:

dedicateddad wrote:They are 14 now and I don't think I've had an occasion to raise a hand to them in well over a year. They have more freedoms than many of their contemporaries because they have earned my trust with their positive behavior. I showed them structure, I showed them the value of never doing less than your best, and I taught them that sometimes if you do the wrong thing there are consequences for their actions.

Two thoughts: First, there's a very good chance you've just taught them to hide their transgressions more effectively. Second, if you're teaching them there are *physical* consequences for their actions, you're not teaching them much. Much better to let them experience the logical consequences of their actions. Down the road, why not cheat on your wife (or embezzle company money)? It's not like someone's going to beat you up for it.

There are not physical consequences for their actions generally because they are good kids who know right from wrong. Those lessons will carry them through life. But knowing in the back of your head and hearing that little voice that says "Wait a minute...this is wrong. If I get caught doing this somebody is going to fuck me up..." is a good thing. I'm still glad I hear that voice in my head now as an adult and a father. Seriously...nobody is going upside my head anymore and haven't in a looong time but the voice is still there and stops me in my tracks every time.

[Anonymous]

My mom evoked that "look" the stare of death on us if we were bad, and that was all we needed. But I did get smacked across my mouth when I was a teen for being a brat. Never did that again.

I love my mom and have no issues with how I was parented. My dad also smacked us on the butt. It was how it was and we learned our lessons.

[dedicateddad]

Thank you for sharing 19:10. I have really been taking some maulings on here from these people!! It's good to see a couple other people who aren't mad that they got punished when they were bad and can see how effective a small dose of controlled violence can be to shaping a youngster into something better than they are!